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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 9, 2019 13:18:37 GMT
I posted this in avoidant board, but after last night I realized she wasn't as insecure as i thought and doesn't form attachments as much, which is confusing, so I'm putting this here. Maybe she's DA not FA :/
While with her, I basically, I mentioned how even though I wasn't upset at all when she ended things, which she'd expected, I had been upset because I felt like I was being "faded" on --- it came up in conversation. She was not happy about that, especially because I brought it up like 3-4 times in that conversation. Felt insulted, because in her mind she had been telling me that she was busy, and stuff and so my stance was ridiculous --- i had been describing the situation on here and to a close friend, who all agreed she wasn't into me, although i didn't fully listen. She had been saying that, but it really had felt like I was being "faded" on and like she wasn't interested -- we went from talking a lot to barely talking at all... And I knew stuff was happening but it just felt off. I just didn't expect to be told that i was "insulting" her. She talked a lot about how she needs to be trusted, and she needs people who aren't attached --- all fair things, but it just hurt to be told that way. Felt a little invalidating of how miserable I had been during that time. And we weren't in a relationship, so she didn't really owe me anything, but it still hurt.
So that conversation ended not great...and apparently I had already done that earlier in the week, without realizing it? Kept apologizing, apparently I annoyed her with that. I also asked her things I probably shouldn't have, and while she still answered I definitely put her on the spot and in an awkward position. So I do feel bad about that, and honestly got very sleep because I was thinking about it all night long. I'm in a very very weird position right now...now I'm worried that I will keep impulsively trying to get closure, or that this will have already jeopardized our chances at being friends.
That conversation never should have happened, tbh. I'm starting to reconsider everything, including how I handled her ending it (I was pretty happy with me reaction, but I spent several hours last night going over everything I said at the time and questioning it). She was super super busy during that time and stressed, and I feel bad because now I pissed her off. I talked about feeling shitty at a time when she had a lot going on in her own life. So obviously it wasn't fair to her. Also, apparently, being needy and anxious during that time was a huge huge turnoff to her ... (as someone who has been the FA, I have definitely felt that way before)...
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Post by newoutlook on Jul 9, 2019 14:37:31 GMT
You're triggered and freaking out. You probably make a bigger issue out of it than it really is. You can't do anything now but ruminating on it can make you do things you will regret. Overreacting, leaving the friendship just to stop feeling anxious, am I right?
If you want to be friends with her- she'll probably come around. Just give her space and stop freaking out. You were anxious, you didn't kill her child.
In the meantime, you might reconsider whether being just friends with her it's truly what you want with her. If you're partly avoidant yourself, you might be telling yourself it's fine (distance is safe and makes you want to pull her in), but you'll be hypersensitive and anxiously triggered each time she's distant. At least until you become secure yourself. It's not how friendship usually is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2019 14:51:49 GMT
Friendships don't involve all this. This would likely always be an emotional catastrophe. This is an attachment dilemma and friendship is not even close to being the real consideration here.
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 9, 2019 15:37:35 GMT
You're triggered and freaking out. You probably make a bigger issue out of it than it really is. You can't do anything now but ruminating on it can make you do things you will regret. Overreacting, leaving the friendship just to stop feeling anxious, am I right? If you want to be friends with her- she'll probably come around. Just give her space and stop freaking out. You were anxious, you didn't kill her child. In the meantime, you might reconsider whether being just friends with her it's truly what you want with her. If you're partly avoidant yourself, you might be telling yourself it's fine (distance is safe and makes you want to pull her in), but you'll be hypersensitive and anxiously triggered each time she's distant. At least until you become secure yourself. It's not how friendship usually is. That's fair. But on some level, I kind of feel upset that her response was to say "stop insulting me" --- I feel like there's ways to be defensive without invalidating someone's emotions. And i don't know whether its fair to feel that way about that conversation. I felt bad at first, and still do, but now Im confused in that way as well. I am definitely triggered though lol. What I really need is to find someone new to attach too, that always works. As for her, my plan is to distance myself somewhat. At least for a while. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 9, 2019 15:42:39 GMT
Friendships don't involve all this. This would likely always be an emotional catastrophe. This is an attachment dilemma and friendship is not even close to being the real consideration here. I mean yeah, I still have feelings. But its hard to let go with attachment stuff, and she's pretty deep in my college friend group so at the very least it makes sense to be friends. Even if not close friends. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 9, 2019 16:00:05 GMT
But on some level, I kind of feel upset that her response was to say "stop insulting me" --- I feel like there's ways to be defensive without invalidating someone's emotions. Yes, there are ways to communicate better and more maturely. However, she definitely has some insecure attachment issues of some sort that she's not working on, and you can't expect to get a fully healthy and well communicated response every time from someone also struggling with this stuff. Don't take it personally, validate your own emotions (you don't need her to do that), and just take her at her word and focus on what you want for yourself. Once you're ready to dig into your own issues, you'll learn to self-regulate better too so you won't need to attach to someone else and swap a person out in order to move on. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 9, 2019 16:12:27 GMT
But on some level, I kind of feel upset that her response was to say "stop insulting me" --- I feel like there's ways to be defensive without invalidating someone's emotions. Yes, there are ways to communicate better and more maturely. However, she definitely has some insecure attachment issues of some sort that she's not working on, and you can't expect to get a fully healthy and well communicated response every time from someone also struggling with this stuff. Don't take it personally, validate your own emotions (you don't need her to do that), and just take her at her word and focus on what you want for yourself. Once you're ready to dig into your own issues, you'll learn to self-regulate better too so you won't need to attach to someone else and swap a person out in order to move on. That's fair. That's part of what I decided - not to bring it up. Because she asked, and because I don't want to sabotage this friendship right away. I also could have said somethings better a week ago - I wasn't trying to be hurtful, and have since realized I was (she referenced them last night specifically). |
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hola
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Post by hola on Jul 9, 2019 21:26:16 GMT
You're triggered and freaking out. You probably make a bigger issue out of it than it really is. You can't do anything now but ruminating on it can make you do things you will regret. Overreacting, leaving the friendship just to stop feeling anxious, am I right? If you want to be friends with her- she'll probably come around. Just give her space and stop freaking out. You were anxious, you didn't kill her child. In the meantime, you might reconsider whether being just friends with her it's truly what you want with her. If you're partly avoidant yourself, you might be telling yourself it's fine (distance is safe and makes you want to pull her in), but you'll be hypersensitive and anxiously triggered each time she's distant. At least until you become secure yourself. It's not how friendship usually is. That's fair. But on some level, I kind of feel upset that her response was to say "stop insulting me" --- I feel like there's ways to be defensive without invalidating someone's emotions. And i don't know whether its fair to feel that way about that conversation. I felt bad at first, and still do, but now Im confused in that way as well. I am definitely triggered though lol. What I really need is to find someone new to attach too, that always works. As for her, my plan is to distance myself somewhat. At least for a while. Take a step back and look at her reaction as that's how they did things in her family. In her family there was no validating feelings. She just doesn't know any better. While you're "away", deal with the feelings within you....and look at why it triggered you. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 10, 2019 1:06:39 GMT
All this mention of fairness. Life isn’t fair!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2019 1:39:21 GMT
Look, you gave a lot of weight to your feeling of being faded on. You became attached, she didn't. You got into emotional thinking that influenced expectations you developed for the kind of relating and rapport you would have. Your expectations didn't match the reality of your relationship.
I can see why she felt insulted- the implication is that she was somehow disrespecting you, fading, being less than honest.
She was direct. She wasn't attached. She was busy. You've brought up a number of emotional conversations to her and even put her on the spot. This is all due to your anxious attachment to her.
I get why she is offended. You seem to be placing a heck of a lot of importance on your feelings and perceptions (which are disproportionate to the relationship and are due to your attachment ) instead of respecting the limitations and boundaries she has set.
I myself have vowed to have no casual sex relationships ever again in my life because of the attachment difficulty that arises from them. If you can't be casual, that's your issue. If you get attached when you have casual sex, that's your issue. If you expect a casual sex partner to take care of feelings that arise from your attachment, still your issue. You are responsible for your emotional involvement with sex.
I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. I'm saying, casual sex doesn't carry an obligation to soothe attachment in another person. A healthy, mutual relationship serves that purpose.
I've been on both ends of this, and I take responsibility for myself and potential partners to not engage in this kind of MESS. It's a mess. It's two people making a mess.
I'd say, learn what you can, and don't kid yourself about casual sex if you want a relationship. If you know you are anxious then don't have casual sex. If you know someone is avoidant and you are anxious don't have casual sex. If you get attached having casual sex, feel the burn you inflicted on yourself with your own choices and don't talk about fair one way or the other- just change your behavior and change your expectations.
Casual sex is the devil for insecurely attached people. I've been the DA in a clearly agreed upon casual sex situation that a covert anxious person went along with- and all hell broke loose when I didn't call, date, fall in love, text, and drop what i was doing to give them the attention they wanted outside of our agreed upon no strings casual encounter. Oh dear God the fallout, from casual sex agreed upon as NO RELATIONSHIP.
Never again. Not worth the hounding, anger, emotional fallout due to someone else's anxious attachment. NO. Just say NO. Don't do this to yourself, don't do it anyone.
This isn't her problem now. It's only yours. I'm sorry it hurts but insecure attachment does hurt and now that you're aware, you have to fix it yourself. She's not down for that.
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Post by mrob on Jul 10, 2019 7:46:44 GMT
If you can't be casual, that's your issue. If you get attached when you have casual sex, that's your issue. If you expect a casual sex partner to take care of feelings that arise from your attachment, still your issue. You are responsible for your emotional involvement with sex. Taken completely out of context, the quote of the century. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 10, 2019 14:01:28 GMT
All this mention of fairness. Life isn’t fair! I'm confused, thats not how I meant fair |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 10, 2019 14:05:58 GMT
Look, you gave a lot of weight to your feeling of being faded on. You became attached, she didn't. You got into emotional thinking that influenced expectations you developed for the kind of relating and rapport you would have. Your expectations didn't match the reality of your relationship. I can see why she felt insulted- the implication is that she was somehow disrespecting you, fading, being less than honest. She was direct. She wasn't attached. She was busy. You've brought up a number of emotional conversations to her and even put her on the spot. This is all due to your anxious attachment to her. I get why she is offended. You seem to be placing a heck of a lot of importance on your feelings and perceptions (which are disproportionate to the relationship and are due to your attachment ) instead of respecting the limitations and boundaries she has set. I myself have vowed to have no casual sex relationships ever again in my life because of the attachment difficulty that arises from them. If you can't be casual, that's your issue. If you get attached when you have casual sex, that's your issue. If you expect a casual sex partner to take care of feelings that arise from your attachment, still your issue. You are responsible for your emotional involvement with sex. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. I'm saying, casual sex doesn't carry an obligation to soothe attachment in another person. A healthy, mutual relationship serves that purpose. I've been on both ends of this, and I take responsibility for myself and potential partners to not engage in this kind of MESS. It's a mess. It's two people making a mess. I'd say, learn what you can, and don't kid yourself about casual sex if you want a relationship. If you know you are anxious then don't have casual sex. If you know someone is avoidant and you are anxious don't have casual sex. If you get attached having casual sex, feel the burn you inflicted on yourself with your own choices and don't talk about fair one way or the other- just change your behavior and change your expectations. Casual sex is the devil for insecurely attached people. I've been the DA in a clearly agreed upon casual sex situation that a covert anxious person went along with- and all hell broke loose when I didn't call, date, fall in love, text, and drop what i was doing to give them the attention they wanted outside of our agreed upon no strings casual encounter. Oh dear God the fallout, from casual sex agreed upon as NO RELATIONSHIP. Never again. Not worth the hounding, anger, emotional fallout due to someone else's anxious attachment. NO. Just say NO. Don't do this to yourself, don't do it anyone. This isn't her problem now. It's only yours. I'm sorry it hurts but insecure attachment does hurt and now that you're aware, you have to fix it yourself. She's not down for that. This wasn't casual sex though? It was more than no-strings attached lol But yeah, i agree with the first part of what you said. About why she was insulted. I also misrepresented what I was saying to her lol, and I wasn't even trying to accuse her anymore. I more brought it up in a matter-of-fact kind of way, at first, and was like I don't even care any more and realize it wasn't the case. And then also misrepresented what/how I had been feeling at the time. In a general abstract sense I did realize that it was anxiety. In that sense, i Understood that she was busy, that she had a lot going on, that she likely wasn't "fading" on me. After an unexpected anxiety attack, based on this whole issue, I really realized how bad it had gotten. That's when I began to change my diet (which actually helped quite a bit), got more serious about taking my antidepressants, and read "Attached". In a general abstract, I was pretty self aware and realized I had anxiety. In a visceral sense, however, the anxiety was very real in terms of how it made me feel. And it made me utterly miserable --- much of the time I was more concerned about my anxiety, and my own ability to handle things, than I was about her. I didn't do a great job explaining that earlier, and definitely not in my conversation with her. And even so, I recognize that I shouldn't have put the onus on her to have corrected that or "made me feel better" Also, we weren't fuck buddies because we merely pushed the "relationship" question back indefinitely. Rather than taking it off the table. |
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