Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2019 5:23:37 GMT
@janedoe, don't respond. He stated very clearly that he needs space for himself and is trying to be deliberate about taking it. Respect his boundary. If he really is thinking about helping himself, he doesn't sound mad as much as like he doesn't feel you understand his process so he needs to focus on himself without you there.
I'm not sure why you're assuming this is BS on his part. He may not be communicating well, but it sounds like he is trying to do his best. Maybe you feel it's manipulative that he's trying to not totally close any doors on you and keep things at his comfort level not yours, but if IF he's really thinking about his own issues... being FA often involves starting from a defensive and ambivalent place and trying to protect yourself all the time. I've dated FAs in which this manifested as low EQ and being selfish and communicating vaguely. That doesn't mean they don't care about me, but it does mean it's the best they can do (at least until they do their healing work, which neither of the two I'm thinking of are doing). So we have friendships now that are close in some ways and very distant in others. You don't have to put up with it and can be done, or you are okay accepting whatever friendship he can give at face value. Don't get caught up in potential.
I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't respond, I wouldn't block him, I'd try to stop thinking about him and focus more on doing my own thing or on understanding my own attachment issues. I rarely tell people I need them to go away and give me a solid amount of space, but when I have said it I've meant it. If that space wasn't respected, it pushed me much further away. Once I got the space, even if it was months later, I reached out when I was ready. I used to be AP not FA, so my example may not help. Don't expect him to respond and act as you do if you're not also FA. But, I do think it's pretty universal to feel unsafe and put off when you get your stated boundaries trampled, especially if it was hard for you to communicate them.
I'm not sure why you're assuming this is BS on his part. He may not be communicating well, but it sounds like he is trying to do his best. Maybe you feel it's manipulative that he's trying to not totally close any doors on you and keep things at his comfort level not yours, but if IF he's really thinking about his own issues... being FA often involves starting from a defensive and ambivalent place and trying to protect yourself all the time. I've dated FAs in which this manifested as low EQ and being selfish and communicating vaguely. That doesn't mean they don't care about me, but it does mean it's the best they can do (at least until they do their healing work, which neither of the two I'm thinking of are doing). So we have friendships now that are close in some ways and very distant in others. You don't have to put up with it and can be done, or you are okay accepting whatever friendship he can give at face value. Don't get caught up in potential.
I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't respond, I wouldn't block him, I'd try to stop thinking about him and focus more on doing my own thing or on understanding my own attachment issues. I rarely tell people I need them to go away and give me a solid amount of space, but when I have said it I've meant it. If that space wasn't respected, it pushed me much further away. Once I got the space, even if it was months later, I reached out when I was ready. I used to be AP not FA, so my example may not help. Don't expect him to respond and act as you do if you're not also FA. But, I do think it's pretty universal to feel unsafe and put off when you get your stated boundaries trampled, especially if it was hard for you to communicate them.