Post by dash on Jul 11, 2019 21:06:05 GMT
Hey everyone! This is my 1st post. It's actually my 1st time on this site as I found it while googling things like "do avoidants return," "do avoidants love you," and "do avoidants ever recognize their hurtful behaviors."
Long story short, I am a woman in my 40's who was coming out late in life while married to a man. It was a brutal process, and still is to some degree. In my process, I met a woman in her mid-30's at a support group. She was struggling with coming out, single, catholic, and did not have much support. We supported one another and a friendship turned into more. She had red flags-she had a gf in college but left her to move back home to be near her parents, she had no social life, and she was severely depressed. She stated her issues all stemmed from living in the closet.
We had a 4 year rlx. She was very giving and kind to me and my kids. She actually smothered me in the beginning, and she was always the 1st one to text or call. She was actually pretty perfect which was a bit scary considering I was divorcing and falling in love with another.
One thing that was off the table was sex. She stated it had to do with religion and me being married, plus she had never had sex. So she said though bc as time went on, she did tell me about some sexual things she did with her college girlfriend. She said she blocked a lot of it out because she felt so guilty about it. We did have amazing chemistry and a lot of intimacy between us but sex itself did not happen.
We were inseparable for years. We talked about everything.
There was a big issue with her living two lives as she kept me a secret from her parents and adult siblings. My family knew about her. My older children new about our relationship. I have thousands of pictures of all of us together. There is not one picture of myself with her and her family because I was never introduced to them. They came before me. If they wanted to have dinner, my girlfriend had dinner with them and would see me later. This became an issue with us and my girlfriend resented me for bringing it up. She stated that she felt I was smothering her and could be controlling, which was far from the truth. Toward the end of our relationship, she had moved 1 hour away from me and we were only seeing each other one to two times a week. Then she stopped coming on Fridays because she said my kids got on her nerves. She had always been so lovely to them but she was starting to become very cruel and cold toward us. I told her it was time for us to move in together because we were starting to have conflict about not seeing each other. She became angry at me for asking if she would be home for dinner most nights once we lived together. She was a workaholic and even though work was over at 4, she would stay late often to keep herself busy and get recognition from others. She was so angry about me asking about dinner that she called me up the next morning and told me that she loved me, she wanted a life with me, but she couldn't promise me forever, so she ended it and has not contacted me in 14 months. I thought giving her space was the healthiest thing to do for both of us. I contacted her last month and asked if we could talk she replied back that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. Just like that-our wonderful rlx was over. It made no sense to me. Thankfully, I was working with a therapist when I had met her so I have had a lot of support from the beginning. However, it wasn't so clear that she had avoidant attachment issues until our last contact and I pieced it all together.(My therapist had mentioned attachment issues before, as well as BPD which we don't think is the case). I think the thing that bothers me the most, is that I really love her but I'm not sure she was the person I thought she was. That makes me really sad. I just wanted to reach out and say hey and I'm looking forward to reading the posts on here and finding support. Thank you for reading.
Long story short, I am a woman in my 40's who was coming out late in life while married to a man. It was a brutal process, and still is to some degree. In my process, I met a woman in her mid-30's at a support group. She was struggling with coming out, single, catholic, and did not have much support. We supported one another and a friendship turned into more. She had red flags-she had a gf in college but left her to move back home to be near her parents, she had no social life, and she was severely depressed. She stated her issues all stemmed from living in the closet.
We had a 4 year rlx. She was very giving and kind to me and my kids. She actually smothered me in the beginning, and she was always the 1st one to text or call. She was actually pretty perfect which was a bit scary considering I was divorcing and falling in love with another.
One thing that was off the table was sex. She stated it had to do with religion and me being married, plus she had never had sex. So she said though bc as time went on, she did tell me about some sexual things she did with her college girlfriend. She said she blocked a lot of it out because she felt so guilty about it. We did have amazing chemistry and a lot of intimacy between us but sex itself did not happen.
We were inseparable for years. We talked about everything.
There was a big issue with her living two lives as she kept me a secret from her parents and adult siblings. My family knew about her. My older children new about our relationship. I have thousands of pictures of all of us together. There is not one picture of myself with her and her family because I was never introduced to them. They came before me. If they wanted to have dinner, my girlfriend had dinner with them and would see me later. This became an issue with us and my girlfriend resented me for bringing it up. She stated that she felt I was smothering her and could be controlling, which was far from the truth. Toward the end of our relationship, she had moved 1 hour away from me and we were only seeing each other one to two times a week. Then she stopped coming on Fridays because she said my kids got on her nerves. She had always been so lovely to them but she was starting to become very cruel and cold toward us. I told her it was time for us to move in together because we were starting to have conflict about not seeing each other. She became angry at me for asking if she would be home for dinner most nights once we lived together. She was a workaholic and even though work was over at 4, she would stay late often to keep herself busy and get recognition from others. She was so angry about me asking about dinner that she called me up the next morning and told me that she loved me, she wanted a life with me, but she couldn't promise me forever, so she ended it and has not contacted me in 14 months. I thought giving her space was the healthiest thing to do for both of us. I contacted her last month and asked if we could talk she replied back that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. Just like that-our wonderful rlx was over. It made no sense to me. Thankfully, I was working with a therapist when I had met her so I have had a lot of support from the beginning. However, it wasn't so clear that she had avoidant attachment issues until our last contact and I pieced it all together.(My therapist had mentioned attachment issues before, as well as BPD which we don't think is the case). I think the thing that bothers me the most, is that I really love her but I'm not sure she was the person I thought she was. That makes me really sad. I just wanted to reach out and say hey and I'm looking forward to reading the posts on here and finding support. Thank you for reading.