Post by jules on Jul 11, 2019 23:29:09 GMT
Hello all. I have been lurking for a couple days, what an informative group! Thank you for your experience and wisdom!
I test secure. I have a, umm I don't even know what to call him...friend, lover, non boyfriend boyfriend? Lol, who I believe to be DA. Unconfirmed. Have not broached the subject.
We met this fall and dated for 2-months. I ended it beacuse he was so non committal and we so infrequently saw eachother. (I now know why!!) He reached out to me 2.5 months later (5 months ago) Thus far we have organically allowed things to grow. Last week I said I felt like this is one of the healthiest things I've ever been involved in
We get along really well. Laugh like idiots together. We talk about so much and he has divulged that he had trouble making friends,(evident even now) he would self harm as a child/teen due to the lack friendship. He also recently shared a near drowning experience as a child that can complicate (?) attachment or change it altogether.
I sense something is off with his mother and he. His parents are still married. I have yet to meet them (or his child) He seems to have a closer relationship with his aunt. She comes up more.
I am somewhat complex as I am an alcoholic in recovery (he has never been exposed to my drunken mess, huge plus) He is a normal drinker.
So, I am familiar with attachment, I studied it some as it pertained to potentially being changed by childhood trauma (that of my child, not brought on by me) but I do not believe I have encountered an avoidant before. Certainly not romantically. The things I studied many years ago, were distant memories.
This man is a gentle giant. A real throw back. Very much a gentleman. What I adore most about him is how confident he appears to be himself. Not cocky, just the right amount of secure. He just owns himself and he is very upbeat, positive. I am attracted to this because it is a focus, key to my sobriety. We talk in depth about this kind of stuff regularly. From the beginning he sent flowers numerous times, so much so that I thought I was being love bombed by a narc. I no longer think that way. He can come across as socially awkward and at another time an outgoing, gregarious man. He's infectious.
And easy on the eyes.
I only recently stumbled upon attachment in relationships because this one is a roller coaster with regard to seeing each other and sometimes timing of communication.
The more I have read, the more I have come to realize that he needs time and space and I have been good about giving that to him. Its actually kinda healthy. And I'm busy. I work like an animal and I attend AA almost daily. My sobriety is the single most important thing in my life.
That said, I can feel the time away make me either anxious or wanting to detach. I am just unsure.
I have an overwhelming thought of I want to love him but I don't know how, correctly. I dont know if he wants me to.
I have to be honest. I think he has a porn addiction. And he is into some kinky stuff. Nothing I am uncomfortable with, I would never engage if I were uncomfortable. But it is definitely new to me. This man is obsessed with all things involving the bottom. Mine. His. Im unsure why...but I'm ok with it, but curious.
Sometimes he says really sweet things but it almost feels like he is convincing himself. Yesterday we were having a rather naughty text exchange and then he says: "Enjoying each other's company and embracing in a very personal and intimate way is priceless." It just struck me as odd, but very, very sweet none the less.
He is trying. I see it. I don't say anything. I actually let him talk himself through things, its become an inside joke actually "imma let you talk you thru this!" He is actually wuite chatty and I just let him go. It honestly just endearing to witness. He has the enthusiasm of a child frequently.
So I last saw him a week ago as he left my house after a sleep over. He was getting sick. We both have a cold. Prior to that I had suggested he think about introducing my child and I to his child and family. He tapped his head and said "noted" I think this suggestion coupled with illness caused him to need a longer break from engaging. After that suggestion we were at dinner and I had said that this was the healthiest thing ive been in in a while, to which he agreed. And then I sau that I now understand that he needs time and space to recharge and it is nothing personal to me, its just him. He agreed emphatically.
Do i get it, but since yesterday, I am missing him. I told him such today. He received it well.
I am concerned that I might get anxious over this long term. I cannot do that. Perhaps I am being hyper sensitive in light of all this learning I am doing?
I just want to love and understand this man. I would welcome any advice as to how. I found a quote that said "the greatest gift you can give someone is tge space to be themselves without the rest of you leaving"
I like this a lot. It's healthy.
I am all about all facets of health these days.
Thoughts?
Thank you!
I test secure. I have a, umm I don't even know what to call him...friend, lover, non boyfriend boyfriend? Lol, who I believe to be DA. Unconfirmed. Have not broached the subject.
We met this fall and dated for 2-months. I ended it beacuse he was so non committal and we so infrequently saw eachother. (I now know why!!) He reached out to me 2.5 months later (5 months ago) Thus far we have organically allowed things to grow. Last week I said I felt like this is one of the healthiest things I've ever been involved in
We get along really well. Laugh like idiots together. We talk about so much and he has divulged that he had trouble making friends,(evident even now) he would self harm as a child/teen due to the lack friendship. He also recently shared a near drowning experience as a child that can complicate (?) attachment or change it altogether.
I sense something is off with his mother and he. His parents are still married. I have yet to meet them (or his child) He seems to have a closer relationship with his aunt. She comes up more.
I am somewhat complex as I am an alcoholic in recovery (he has never been exposed to my drunken mess, huge plus) He is a normal drinker.
So, I am familiar with attachment, I studied it some as it pertained to potentially being changed by childhood trauma (that of my child, not brought on by me) but I do not believe I have encountered an avoidant before. Certainly not romantically. The things I studied many years ago, were distant memories.
This man is a gentle giant. A real throw back. Very much a gentleman. What I adore most about him is how confident he appears to be himself. Not cocky, just the right amount of secure. He just owns himself and he is very upbeat, positive. I am attracted to this because it is a focus, key to my sobriety. We talk in depth about this kind of stuff regularly. From the beginning he sent flowers numerous times, so much so that I thought I was being love bombed by a narc. I no longer think that way. He can come across as socially awkward and at another time an outgoing, gregarious man. He's infectious.
And easy on the eyes.
I only recently stumbled upon attachment in relationships because this one is a roller coaster with regard to seeing each other and sometimes timing of communication.
The more I have read, the more I have come to realize that he needs time and space and I have been good about giving that to him. Its actually kinda healthy. And I'm busy. I work like an animal and I attend AA almost daily. My sobriety is the single most important thing in my life.
That said, I can feel the time away make me either anxious or wanting to detach. I am just unsure.
I have an overwhelming thought of I want to love him but I don't know how, correctly. I dont know if he wants me to.
I have to be honest. I think he has a porn addiction. And he is into some kinky stuff. Nothing I am uncomfortable with, I would never engage if I were uncomfortable. But it is definitely new to me. This man is obsessed with all things involving the bottom. Mine. His. Im unsure why...but I'm ok with it, but curious.
Sometimes he says really sweet things but it almost feels like he is convincing himself. Yesterday we were having a rather naughty text exchange and then he says: "Enjoying each other's company and embracing in a very personal and intimate way is priceless." It just struck me as odd, but very, very sweet none the less.
He is trying. I see it. I don't say anything. I actually let him talk himself through things, its become an inside joke actually "imma let you talk you thru this!" He is actually wuite chatty and I just let him go. It honestly just endearing to witness. He has the enthusiasm of a child frequently.
So I last saw him a week ago as he left my house after a sleep over. He was getting sick. We both have a cold. Prior to that I had suggested he think about introducing my child and I to his child and family. He tapped his head and said "noted" I think this suggestion coupled with illness caused him to need a longer break from engaging. After that suggestion we were at dinner and I had said that this was the healthiest thing ive been in in a while, to which he agreed. And then I sau that I now understand that he needs time and space to recharge and it is nothing personal to me, its just him. He agreed emphatically.
Do i get it, but since yesterday, I am missing him. I told him such today. He received it well.
I am concerned that I might get anxious over this long term. I cannot do that. Perhaps I am being hyper sensitive in light of all this learning I am doing?
I just want to love and understand this man. I would welcome any advice as to how. I found a quote that said "the greatest gift you can give someone is tge space to be themselves without the rest of you leaving"
I like this a lot. It's healthy.
I am all about all facets of health these days.
Thoughts?
Thank you!
