jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jul 17, 2019 0:58:45 GMT
The possibility of making this work between a secure and a DA/FA (someone here says he's more likely FA) seems like a long, ardurous road. Possibly perilous to my self worth?!
I think I should bow out. I feel terrible because I know it's not his fault at all, and he's really lovely, but he doesn't actually want this and he could potentially get really ugly, angry, withholding sex? Dumping me out of the blue bc I'm too feelingsy? Hes too feelingsu?
Recently we went 10 days without seeing eachother and he left Monday morning, sent a sweet text and poof. Gone. For the first time in 5 months, no contact for well over 24 hours. I never initiate contact, and I have no intention to begin now.
This is exhausting. Like a roller coaster, breeze in my hair, anticipation one moment and then jerking and dropping off and I'm about to lose my lunch! This is not what I know of love!! I'm 42 years old! I want to be balanced; independent and interdependent. Living out these past years with a partner again.
I am truly very sad. I really quite genuinely adore this man but I am unsure if he knows anything about attachment or if hes willing to rework his wiring. He would have to do that entirely for himself by himself (just like how I got sober) Can be done, but hard work.
He really is trying to be more vulnerable, I see that. But his sharing makes him hide like a hermit! I can take a week or so, but this doesnt even feel connected anymore.
This breaks my heart, but I am afraid it will only get harder. I feel terrible. Realistic though. Feel like I'm abandoning him (too). I really dislike that sentiment. Not what I intend but more than likely how he will take it. Schew it. View it. Disassociate. Any number of not so healthy things. I spent many years disassociating, worked to hard to get pulled in undertoe.
Thank you for listening.
I am not doing anything rash, but this is the overwhelming path I believe I need to follow. Cut our losses. In time, (lije actual time) be friends.
Thots?
Jules
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 17, 2019 3:11:37 GMT
Welcome to the boards- just a few points: yes, if it feels like a roller coaster ride then he’s likely FA. When an avoidant is distancing and deactivating they are doing it for their own self-preservation and protection. They are not taking you into consideration or thinking about how their actions affect you. Same thing as when an anxious person is triggered and demonstrating protest behaviors. The anxious person is only concerned about restoring a lost connection and feeling soothed by their partner, so they may text and call excessively, try to make their partner jealous etc. The insecurely attached think of themselves first when dealing with those old wounds of abandonment, rejection or engulfment. Regarding his feelings of abandonment - unlikely. The anxious fear being left- the avoidant doesn’t expect someone to stick around and would be more surprised if someone persevered than left. Their narrative is either they are better off alone or they want to be with someone, but it just never seems to work- it’s what they come to expect. Leaving or being left. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 17, 2019 13:31:25 GMT
Hello jules. Nobody can tell you what to do - but it sounds as though your intuition is working to keep you safe here. It is heartbreaking and it is nobodies fault - but at the end of the day, if both parties can't be present, take responsibility for consistent communication and real honesty, the relationship will be damaging and inherently limited. For some people that's ok - so maybe the question to ask is whether this is really what you want down the line? Real honesty is important on both sides - often the avoidant partner gets the blame for not speaking the truth - but it takes two and it is not OK to carry on in a relationship pretending all is fine, when actually you need more. You sound as though you have a good handle on your truth even if it's not the easiest pill to swallow. That in itself is a blessing. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 17, 2019 15:28:47 GMT
As a secure nothing I did worked. Gave him space, always open, calm and caring. We even had an open talk about attachment. I swear I triggered him worse as he was used to AP types and not someone calm allowing him space. I let him go. He still circles though. He just circled again this past week after 3-4 months, he never goes longer than 3-4 months without reaching out. Sent some random ‘dramatic’ text in the wee hours of the night. Seemed he woke up in some panic and text. I replied when I woke up and then he never replied. That was days ago, I don’t even try to figure out what he wanted. Lol I just keep on with my life.
We are ‘friends’ from afar as in no hard feelings because we have a mutual hobby and I’ll run into him sometimes. I don’t want him an anxious ball if he sees me so I’ve let him know it’s ok that I don’t hate him or no I’ll will. Who knows if it will help if he runs into me or not but still let him know all is well anyway. I don’t contact him, try to hang out, etc. I’ll only talk to him as a friend when he reaches out.
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jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jul 17, 2019 23:12:09 GMT
Thank you for responding.
He did text today..we chatted a bit. Nothing about this.
To be honest I have far too much hoing on otherwise in my life to address this or decide about this right now. I will say he was very supportive of my other goings on as usual and saud kind things in an effort to make me feel better. He really is kind. What scares me is all this info about meanness and pining for an ex. Potential known issues.
For today, I am living in this moment and focusing on the tasks at hand. This is wheb all this space feels very healthy to me. (Maybe I seay a tad avoidant myself) Nothing shocks me anymore!-lol
I reemployeed my therapist (I've been on a hiatus) but I need a tune up.
We shall see.
I appreciate the insight and time!! Thank you!
Jules
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 18, 2019 7:40:34 GMT
Hi jules Not everyone who is DA or FA is going to suddenly dump you out of the blue, never want a real relationship, act cruel and angry, get turned off by feelings or withhold sex! We are all different and have different levels of avoidance, and self-awareness and kindness for others. Has he done any of those things to you before? All I remember reading is that he just didn't appear to want commitment in the past. Am I remembering correctly? A relationship with an FA/DA doesn't HAVE to be extra arduous or "perilous to your self-worth," especially if you are in fact actually secure. A secure person is the best person to have a relationship with one of the insecure types and make it work. You sound a bit anxious, getting so freaked out just by thinking this guy might be avoidant and then leaping to conclusions about all the horrible things that must mean he will do to you. What does your boyfriend say? Are you in a committed relationship now? |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 18, 2019 12:09:33 GMT
Hi jules Not everyone who is DA or FA is going to suddenly dump you out of the blue, never want a real relationship, act cruel and angry, get turned off by feelings or withhold sex! We are all different and have different levels of avoidance, and self-awareness and kindness for others. Has he done any of those things to you before? All I remember reading is that he just didn't appear to want commitment in the past. Am I remembering correctly? A relationship with an FA/DA doesn't HAVE to be extra arduous or "perilous to your self-worth," especially if you are in fact actually secure. A secure person is the best person to have a relationship with one of the insecure types and make it work. You sound a bit anxious, getting so freaked out just by thinking this guy might be avoidant and then leaping to conclusions about all the horrible things that must mean he will do to you. What does your boyfriend say? Are you in a committed relationship now? - I don’t know if they are in a committed relationship, but he’s already showing hot and cold behavior and ghosting her. These behavioral patterns are likely to stay the same or even get worse if he’s afraid of being close and gets triggered. I’d get out before she gets her heart broken. 42- she knows what she wants. |
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jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jul 18, 2019 14:08:25 GMT
We are not in a commited thing. I mentioned a couple months ago and he scoffed at the idea. We are not defined. I backed off when I realized he wasn't screwing anyone (everyone) else. It made things clearer. So we very consciously let things grow slowly, organically. Healthy. We agree on this. We have talked a lot. In increments. I know its important to not overwhelm anyone. Of any attachment.
He has withdrawn due to it getting more emotionally intimate, on both our parts. He has not done anything terrible, but there is cause for notice on some things. Which is making me anxious intermittently, as stated previously. Why I examined this. I have been reading a boat load and to say the prognosis is bleak is an understatement. Not impossible, but arduous on all accounts. That said I do recognize that everyone us different (I believe I am neither a generalist nor judgemental period, I try at least! and attachment is mutable.
I was spooked a bit by the research. Which I don't find to be a terrible thing to be ooking out for myself. So I do believe that (and more) makes me secure. I do however have a heart, and I care deeply for him and I am taking it one day at a time. Smart, safe and healthy.
Thanks for the input. Much appreciated!!
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