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Post by ocarina on Jul 21, 2019 11:03:13 GMT
Just tell him like it is. And sometimes we have to cut out people, just reality. People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime to teach us lessons. You've learned them and on a path to healing. He 'severed his purpose' in your life and now time to move on. You can be friends from a far. Part of this is about him, hes not a trustworthy friend, he dips out on you. Its not like it wouldn't trigger a Secure either. This type of behavior is just triggering to people in general not just some attachment thing. Yes - part of the difficulty in letting go is that the good and bad are sporadically intermingled - it's totally incomprehensible that someone can actively ask to be in a relationship, declare undying love and then the next minute disappear.
Back last year he contacted me after very long absence and face to face told me he loved me (for the first time) that he'd been working on things, realised he'd been supressing his feelings and wanted to make a relationship work. He then almost instantly went abroad travelling (on a whim) and didn't communicate or come back for 6 weeks.
I gave up trying to understand a while back - it's a shame since we would make good friends/ travelling companions etc
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2019 12:25:18 GMT
Just tell him like it is. And sometimes we have to cut out people, just reality. People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime to teach us lessons. You've learned them and on a path to healing. He 'severed his purpose' in your life and now time to move on. You can be friends from a far. Part of this is about him, hes not a trustworthy friend, he dips out on you. Its not like it wouldn't trigger a Secure either. This type of behavior is just triggering to people in general not just some attachment thing. Yes - part of the difficulty in letting go is that the good and bad are sporadically intermingled - it's totally incomprehensible that someone can actively ask to be in a relationship, declare undying love and then the next minute disappear.
Back last year he contacted me after very long absence and face to face told me he loved me (for the first time) that he'd been working on things, realised he'd been supressing his feelings and wanted to make a relationship work. He then almost instantly went abroad travelling (on a whim) and didn't communicate or come back for 6 weeks.
I gave up trying to understand a while back - it's a shame since we would make good friends/ travelling companions etc
No, you wouldn't make good friends or companions- because what he said didn't match what he did. The reality of him is actually quite lame. You aren't letting go of something great, it didn't even have the potential for great except in a fantasy that he created with a grand bullshit proclamation. Sure, you've had good times. But what's the price tag? It's emotionally expensive to be involved with an inconsistent and insincere person. Not worth it, and as time passes you might just feel refreshed to have this relationship recede into the distance behind you. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 21, 2019 18:56:55 GMT
Yes you're absolutely right - what I learned was that neither friendship or relationship worked because of the inconsistency. There was a lot of surface stuff that was right - but a lot of deep down important things that weren't. I chose to ignore the latter and live in the fantasy world of the former but there was always some kind of deep unease - I guess that was my intuition.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2019 0:57:40 GMT
Yes you're absolutely right - what I learned was that neither friendship or relationship worked because of the inconsistency. There was a lot of surface stuff that was right - but a lot of deep down important things that weren't. I chose to ignore the latter and live in the fantasy world of the former but there was always some kind of deep unease - I guess that was my intuition. I have found that as I have worked through my own attachment trauma and become more emotionally available myself, my standards for consistency and emotional availability in a partner have naturally been raised. So in reality, becoming more secure to be able to maintain a relationship with an insecurely attached person is absolutely a flawed plan that will disintegrate as the situation unfolds, UNLESS the partner is also making strides in their own intentional process to heal and improve their emotional availability. The two paths diverge. It takes a certain level of ability in an insecure person to develop and maintain a relationship, even if they are with a secure person! There is functional insecurity and non-functional insecurity on the spectrum I think. An absence of six weeks without communication is absolutely non-functional. It's way too destabilizing. His unavailability was, at one point, tolerable because you had a certain level of your own, but it seems that as your level changed his became more intolerable. Your rationalization and self doubt diminished as you became more aware of your own feelings and needs, ( and this awareness is critical to emotional availability) . So, while partings like this are never joyful, the beautiful thing is that it's necessary because your heart really is to big for him to hold. You'll need to find a partner who can receive you and for now, that partner is you. It's not so bad, this isn't about running away. It's just about outgrowing restrictions. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 22, 2019 2:09:21 GMT
I have found that as I have worked through my own attachment trauma and become more emotionally available myself, my standards for consistency and emotional availability in a partner have naturally been raised. So in reality, becoming more secure to be able to maintain a relationship with an insecurely attached person is absolutely a flawed plan that will disintegrate as the situation unfolds, UNLESS the partner is also making strides in their own intentional process to heal and improve their emotional availability. The two paths diverge. Fully agree, my experience as well. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 22, 2019 21:05:47 GMT
Strangely enough despite the fact that I haven't seen him since posting here, I feel relieved to have it in the past, to have the wondering and second guessing behind me.
I can and will still be honest - but I will also protect myself from hurt by not trying to carry on a friendship.
I've noticed already that I can be more open to other people when I'm not carrying the weight of this relationship/ friendship with me. I think that somehow I felt I had to be something or act somehow in order to keep him happy and without that, life is lighter. Already.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2019 23:11:17 GMT
Sweet! When you're done, you're done! Good for you.  |
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