Met a Somatic Therapist by happenstance
Jul 27, 2019 3:31:26 GMT
ocarina, alexandra, and 1 more like this
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2019 3:31:26 GMT
And we talked a long time. She is an instructor for a somatic technique and also teaches therapists how to work with attachment and rework it somehow. I can't remember what she said the name of that technique was.
Anyway, I had no idea we have a friend (acquaintance) in common, until my buddy showed up to meet her for lunch. It was crazy and kind of funny, we ended up talking for a long time. I have known this friend for 20 or so years, and we all started talking about attachment.
This lady (the somatic/attachment therapist) asked me questions and we talked about my life for a long time. I'm really grateful for the time she took with me, and she set me up with another coach who works with attachment so I can start having sessions with him via video call.
She said that my life is classic avoidant, textbook. We talked about things I have never even thought of as part of the avoidant adaptation.
Now I am questioning my whole life and I feel sad. I truly didn't realize that so much of what I say, think, and do is built around hiding, retreating, staying safe and by myself She emphasized my safety need rather than making me feel embarrassed or odd, which I appreciate. She was very empathetic and kind, and had a lot of compassion. She seemed to really get this, and she was very sympathetic to the pain I expressed about becoming more aware and realizing how my entire life has been shaped by this.
I realize that I have always felt I don't belong anywhere, and have drawn a blank and had to come up with explanations for myself in my own mind because I haven't had answers for why I don't do what I see so many other people do, together. I have always felt like the odd one out but it felt like a forced choice because it's just been the way I am and I've been unable to adjust it much. To me it feels like a pretty immutable aspect of myself. It's painful to think about. As I look at it, I seem to myself to be a strange person, an eccentric woman on the fringe of community, not a part of it.
I say that, but then immediately realize that that is just how I FEEL about it all. I do have a lot of people who really really like and love me and they show me that. I'm convinced lol. I am seen as quirky but not weird, I've been called cool, I've not been criticized or made fun of in any way- it's just my internal realization that I feel like I don't belong in the way that others seem to belong so naturally. My independent solitary nature has become somewhat of a burden to me, But maybe I will feel better when I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the deep analysis and sharing we did today.
She was very happy and admired the growth I have had over the last few years. I found connection in my career, and developed relationships from that which have become intimate and supportive. But I'm still so solitary, all of my down time is spent by myself. Every single one of my friends makes all these plans on the weekends they don't have their kids. I don't, and don't want to. I don't mean to make that sound bad or depressing- it's just really evident to me right now how I minimize contact. I don't feel lonely most of the time but I do feel sad when I look very deeply at it, as we did today. She said it seems as though I dissociated from my loneliness and I would agree to that. She also was happy about the relationship I described to her with my partner, agreed it's been healing and it's actually a pretty huge deal. I will talk about that more with the guy I will be working with.
I even chose a spiritual path that emphasizes solitude, and eschew any type of congregational gathering (which caused big issues in my religious family, actually). I remember attending a church youth group when I was a teenager, and when we broke into groups to hold hands on a circle and pray I went into what I now understand is a deep freeze state- I had to leave immediately. I felt sick and like I was going to pass out and actually felt way ashamed because I figured everyone would think I had something evil in me (knowing my family and the religious environment this is probably accurate). All of it was dismissive avoidant adaptation, operating way back then. Fast forward to my recent negative and very oppressive experience at the work conference.... I have avoided experiences like this my whole life and it makes so much sense now. I haven't questioned it but I had a strong sense of what I could and could not do and was unable to expand my comfort zone so I gave up long ago. Seeing this all though this lens, I just feel sad.
There is so much we pinpointed that has to do with taking cover physically and emotionally. My. Whole. Life. I feel a little lost. I feel forgotten and left out. I feel misunderstood, even by myself. I have to grieve. I don't feel like it's a low self esteem issue- it's a recognition of my pain.
One thing that came up, was the fact that I rocked myself to sleep for many years of my life, even as an adult. She said rocking is a positive thing, although I always felt embarrassed about it and stopped when someone told me it is a sign of mental illness. I am very uncomfortable to even write that here because it sounds just pathetic and awful to me. She said it was not in any way negative, and saw it as a healthy and positive way to nurture myself, a need that arose from the lack of nurture I received. She said that rocking is instinctive and positive and she sees it a lot when people experience relief and healing, it's an instinctive movement. She encouraged me to do that whenever I want and feel good about it, knowing that I love myself enough to soothe myself even though nobody else was able to. It was a very kind and compassionate take on my whole being. I don't feel any need or want to rock myself to sleep , not for a long time, but the point is she de-stigmatized so many of my coping skills and saw them as actually kind and wise and shaped by my unmet needs and my instinct to survive.
It feels really heavy right now. I am going to contact this other attachment guy and have a consultation with him. I think this whole process is going to be going even deeper than I've been with it and I am not sure what to expect. I have to let go of the past because there is nothing I can do about it. Apparently I mostly dissociate from it anyway. But it's weighing on me.
Here's something positive. My boyfriend came to see me at my home last night and we really enjoyed our time together. It was just beautiful. I'm so thankful for him. He's actually one of the very few people I have had in my home! It took me a long time to invite him over, another thing I didn't even think about or question until someone else did. It didn't seem like an option to me and wasn't natural. It's totally natural now and I love it but again- just another of my strong hiding traits. Even the kinds of spaces I create reflect my need to take cover. I detest open floor plans and high ceilings, and prefer small cozy spaces to curl up in and be quiet. This is not bad, it's just very intentional and I see how so much is shaped by my retreating nature.
People are introverted or extroverted for a number of reasons and they come in all different flavors. But I can see a distinct difference between a securely attached extroverted introvert, and me. Its not about introvert and extrovert, the way I am seeing it, but about secure vs insecure. So that's why it hurts- there isn't just preference behind it- there is fear.
Ugh.
Anyway, I had no idea we have a friend (acquaintance) in common, until my buddy showed up to meet her for lunch. It was crazy and kind of funny, we ended up talking for a long time. I have known this friend for 20 or so years, and we all started talking about attachment.
This lady (the somatic/attachment therapist) asked me questions and we talked about my life for a long time. I'm really grateful for the time she took with me, and she set me up with another coach who works with attachment so I can start having sessions with him via video call.
She said that my life is classic avoidant, textbook. We talked about things I have never even thought of as part of the avoidant adaptation.
Now I am questioning my whole life and I feel sad. I truly didn't realize that so much of what I say, think, and do is built around hiding, retreating, staying safe and by myself She emphasized my safety need rather than making me feel embarrassed or odd, which I appreciate. She was very empathetic and kind, and had a lot of compassion. She seemed to really get this, and she was very sympathetic to the pain I expressed about becoming more aware and realizing how my entire life has been shaped by this.
I realize that I have always felt I don't belong anywhere, and have drawn a blank and had to come up with explanations for myself in my own mind because I haven't had answers for why I don't do what I see so many other people do, together. I have always felt like the odd one out but it felt like a forced choice because it's just been the way I am and I've been unable to adjust it much. To me it feels like a pretty immutable aspect of myself. It's painful to think about. As I look at it, I seem to myself to be a strange person, an eccentric woman on the fringe of community, not a part of it.
I say that, but then immediately realize that that is just how I FEEL about it all. I do have a lot of people who really really like and love me and they show me that. I'm convinced lol. I am seen as quirky but not weird, I've been called cool, I've not been criticized or made fun of in any way- it's just my internal realization that I feel like I don't belong in the way that others seem to belong so naturally. My independent solitary nature has become somewhat of a burden to me, But maybe I will feel better when I don't feel so overwhelmed by all the deep analysis and sharing we did today.
She was very happy and admired the growth I have had over the last few years. I found connection in my career, and developed relationships from that which have become intimate and supportive. But I'm still so solitary, all of my down time is spent by myself. Every single one of my friends makes all these plans on the weekends they don't have their kids. I don't, and don't want to. I don't mean to make that sound bad or depressing- it's just really evident to me right now how I minimize contact. I don't feel lonely most of the time but I do feel sad when I look very deeply at it, as we did today. She said it seems as though I dissociated from my loneliness and I would agree to that. She also was happy about the relationship I described to her with my partner, agreed it's been healing and it's actually a pretty huge deal. I will talk about that more with the guy I will be working with.
I even chose a spiritual path that emphasizes solitude, and eschew any type of congregational gathering (which caused big issues in my religious family, actually). I remember attending a church youth group when I was a teenager, and when we broke into groups to hold hands on a circle and pray I went into what I now understand is a deep freeze state- I had to leave immediately. I felt sick and like I was going to pass out and actually felt way ashamed because I figured everyone would think I had something evil in me (knowing my family and the religious environment this is probably accurate). All of it was dismissive avoidant adaptation, operating way back then. Fast forward to my recent negative and very oppressive experience at the work conference.... I have avoided experiences like this my whole life and it makes so much sense now. I haven't questioned it but I had a strong sense of what I could and could not do and was unable to expand my comfort zone so I gave up long ago. Seeing this all though this lens, I just feel sad.
There is so much we pinpointed that has to do with taking cover physically and emotionally. My. Whole. Life. I feel a little lost. I feel forgotten and left out. I feel misunderstood, even by myself. I have to grieve. I don't feel like it's a low self esteem issue- it's a recognition of my pain.
One thing that came up, was the fact that I rocked myself to sleep for many years of my life, even as an adult. She said rocking is a positive thing, although I always felt embarrassed about it and stopped when someone told me it is a sign of mental illness. I am very uncomfortable to even write that here because it sounds just pathetic and awful to me. She said it was not in any way negative, and saw it as a healthy and positive way to nurture myself, a need that arose from the lack of nurture I received. She said that rocking is instinctive and positive and she sees it a lot when people experience relief and healing, it's an instinctive movement. She encouraged me to do that whenever I want and feel good about it, knowing that I love myself enough to soothe myself even though nobody else was able to. It was a very kind and compassionate take on my whole being. I don't feel any need or want to rock myself to sleep , not for a long time, but the point is she de-stigmatized so many of my coping skills and saw them as actually kind and wise and shaped by my unmet needs and my instinct to survive.
It feels really heavy right now. I am going to contact this other attachment guy and have a consultation with him. I think this whole process is going to be going even deeper than I've been with it and I am not sure what to expect. I have to let go of the past because there is nothing I can do about it. Apparently I mostly dissociate from it anyway. But it's weighing on me.
Here's something positive. My boyfriend came to see me at my home last night and we really enjoyed our time together. It was just beautiful. I'm so thankful for him. He's actually one of the very few people I have had in my home! It took me a long time to invite him over, another thing I didn't even think about or question until someone else did. It didn't seem like an option to me and wasn't natural. It's totally natural now and I love it but again- just another of my strong hiding traits. Even the kinds of spaces I create reflect my need to take cover. I detest open floor plans and high ceilings, and prefer small cozy spaces to curl up in and be quiet. This is not bad, it's just very intentional and I see how so much is shaped by my retreating nature.
People are introverted or extroverted for a number of reasons and they come in all different flavors. But I can see a distinct difference between a securely attached extroverted introvert, and me. Its not about introvert and extrovert, the way I am seeing it, but about secure vs insecure. So that's why it hurts- there isn't just preference behind it- there is fear.
Ugh.
