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Post by 8675309 on Aug 12, 2019 10:10:59 GMT
Update. Found out mine has been dating/trying to date others when hes dipped out. Found out by chance in a random conversation with someone about behavior of someone I dated. I dont know what happened between them but he acted the same way with her. Shes has a boyfriend now, seemingly in love. What ever they had was short lived, it happened on his last dip out.
I dont know why he bothers circling to me if hes dating others. LOL. I dont even try to understand, just wanted to update. Hes circling now.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 12, 2019 10:38:34 GMT
Attempted to break up after 3 months but then ramped up the relationship (introduced me to his best friend, family)....broke up with me after 10.5 months of dating.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 13, 2019 2:04:22 GMT
Update. Found out mine has been dating/trying to date others when hes dipped out. Found out by chance in a random conversation with someone about behavior of someone I dated. I dont know what happened between them but he acted the same way with her. Shes has a boyfriend now, seemingly in love. What ever they had was short lived, it happened on his last dip out. I dont know why he bothers circling to me if hes dating others. LOL. I dont even try to understand, just wanted to update. Hes circling now. Yes, mine also did this. Have you been in contact with him? |
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Post by caro on Aug 13, 2019 6:13:57 GMT
Update. Found out mine has been dating/trying to date others when hes dipped out. Found out by chance in a random conversation with someone about behavior of someone I dated. I dont know what happened between them but he acted the same way with her. Shes has a boyfriend now, seemingly in love. What ever they had was short lived, it happened on his last dip out. I dont know why he bothers circling to me if hes dating others. LOL. I dont even try to understand, just wanted to update. Hes circling now. Yes, mine also did this. Have you been in contact with him? I wonder if FAs typically circle with multiple people at a time, or if the people brought in when deactivating are all new/casual and less threats. It feels like circling with multiple people would just create more stress/pressure/deactivation because the people they circle with are the ones that they have gotten close to and care for etc. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2019 6:36:10 GMT
I haven’t done that with multiple people. For me, it’s about real closeness. I wouldn’t be triggered otherwise. I think that’s the difference between an FA and merely a player. The motivation. The action looks the same from the outside, but the stuff going on inside is different.
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 13, 2019 7:53:35 GMT
Yes, mine also did this. Have you been in contact with him? I wonder if FAs typically circle with multiple people at a time, or if the people brought in when deactivating are all new/casual and less threats. It feels like circling with multiple people would just create more stress/pressure/deactivation because the people they circle with are the ones that they have gotten close to and care for etc. Who knows with mine. haha. He is who he is and I just stay friendly with him. We have a mutual hobby so I will run into him sometimes. Hes been 'around' almost two years now. Update. Found out mine has been dating/trying to date others when hes dipped out. Found out by chance in a random conversation with someone about behavior of someone I dated. I dont know what happened between them but he acted the same way with her. Shes has a boyfriend now, seemingly in love. What ever they had was short lived, it happened on his last dip out. I dont know why he bothers circling to me if hes dating others. LOL. I dont even try to understand, just wanted to update. Hes circling now. Yes, mine also did this. Have you been in contact with him? I just reply like a friend. We are 'friends'. I dont contact him or try to hang out, etc. He does the reaching out. We just chat/share mutual hobby project pictures, work talk, etc. He is trying for sex though.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 22:00:08 GMT
I wonder if FAs typically circle with multiple people at a time, or if the people brought in when deactivating are all new/casual and less threats. It feels like circling with multiple people would just create more stress/pressure/deactivation because the people they circle with are the ones that they have gotten close to and care for etc. Who knows with mine. haha. He is who he is and I just stay friendly with him. We have a mutual hobby so I will run into him sometimes. Hes been 'around' almost two years now. Yes, mine also did this. Have you been in contact with him? I just reply like a friend. We are 'friends'. I dont contact him or try to hang out, etc. He does the reaching out. We just chat/share mutual hobby project pictures, work talk, etc. He is trying for sex though.
Ah, testing the waters for sex.... I like the chat and hobby part but it would be so much more palatable without angling for sex. You handle it well, I'd lose patience with it because it seems disrespectful and being objectified triggers me. (Hey I know I just disappeared and showed up and you wanted a relationship but wanna have a casual hookup? NOT) I'd end up cutting him off. Glad it doesn't get to you! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 13, 2019 23:41:18 GMT
Any thoughts about the cycle timing being shorter? Like 7 days. Or maybe one big cycle but with touchpoints every 4-5-7 days to not lose someone entirely? The latter is what feels like is happening in my situation, but just wanted to bounce the concept off everyone here especially mrob. Or maybe these are reconnection attempts. Like testing the water then pulling back again? It's not conscious. I don't think it's, frequent enough touchpoints to not lose someone entirely. He's not intentionally playing you and keeping you on the hook, purposefully being misleading. I think it's more like, that's how often he wants to reach out in order to get whatever need met. The last guy I tried to date was almost certainly FA, and was extremely happy with things at the beginning of the relationship. He'd see me once or twice a week, and sometimes wouldn't speak to me more often than that. It wasn't anything to do with angling to keep me interested. It just is the type of relationship and companionship he wanted at the time. I walked away from trying to make that work romantically, because that's not what I want long-term. But it was conflicting wants for a relationship, and him stubbornly refusing to meet me anywhere besides where he wanted, and hoping I'd come around and bail on my needs to meet his. I don't think it even had anything to do with feelings he had or didn't have for me, because he's got a disconnect on his side of things (ie words and actions don't match up, other indications as well) due to his attachment etc. issues, so I don't think he was consciously thinking about much of it at all. Understanding the general cycle is for you to keep from getting mixed up by inconsistent behavior. It's not that helpful to get into specifics like exact number of days and read into what that may mean. It's going too AP, looking for the magic formula to predict, control, and get the response you want. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 13, 2019 23:46:23 GMT
Ah, testing the waters for sex.... I like the chat and hobby part but it would be so much more palatable without angling for sex. You handle it well, I'd lose patience with it because it seems disrespectful and being objectified triggers me. (Hey I know I just disappeared and showed up and you wanted a relationship but wanna have a casual hookup? NOT) I'd end up cutting him off. Glad it doesn't get to you! I agree. I'm on the flip side of this... I wanted to stay friendly without sex, and he won't reach out and will barely respond if sex isn't on the table. He never said that outright, but once I observed that to be the case, I was extremely disappointed and felt a bit disrespected and used, so I gave up on reaching out and keeping any connection at all. |
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 13, 2019 23:47:20 GMT
@sherry I just know him enough now, I dont take it personally. We actually get along well outside his attachment issues.
Dont think I dont call him on it. haha. I tell him like it is, he knows I dont just give into sex so I dont why he tries anymore! LOL Specially if hes dating others. Dude keep having sex with them, you dont need it from me.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 14, 2019 0:07:16 GMT
@sherry I just know him enough now, I dont take it personally. We actually get along well outside his attachment issues. Dont think I dont call him on it. haha. I tell him like it is, he knows I dont just give into sex so I dont why he tries anymore! LOL Specially if hes dating others. Dude keep having sex with them, you dont need it from me. Idealizing what you can't have, from a distance! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2019 0:15:50 GMT
Yes, idealizing what you can't have. That's what keeps it hot lol. Nah, I just can't.  |
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 14, 2019 8:25:02 GMT
@sherry I just know him enough now, I dont take it personally. We actually get along well outside his attachment issues. Dont think I dont call him on it. haha. I tell him like it is, he knows I dont just give into sex so I dont why he tries anymore! LOL Specially if hes dating others. Dude keep having sex with them, you dont need it from me. Idealizing what you can't have, from a distance!
I guess so! LOL. Why he even bothers...
Me as a secure tying to date a bunch of people is 'stressful'! LOL I dont know how he does it with his issues...
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hola
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Post by hola on Aug 15, 2019 17:13:09 GMT
Hello all! Can you share some insight on your cycles. For you was it more situational or could you notice a general specific time, for example every 6 months or that you never make it past a year? the first time my ex FA broke up w/me, he circled back like 35 days later looking for me. Three months later, same thing, we had a discussion, he blew me off. 30 days later, he tried to contact me, I was cordial but I'm done so I just didn't respond anymore. Then 30 days later (as in yesterday) he's trying to contact again, this time more w/feeling, coming up w/good times we had. Again, I was cordial but left it at that. So w/my ex FA, it's seems to be around every 30 days he'll circle around. |
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