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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 30, 2019 3:13:08 GMT
Hello all!
Can you share some insight on your cycles. For you was it more situational or could you notice a general specific time, for example every 6 months or that you never make it past a year?
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Post by serenity on Jul 30, 2019 5:56:36 GMT
Heya Kisstheviolets  This is a great question, I hope you get some decent replies. I just wanted to add, that perhaps it might help to mentioned that he deactivated when you were pregnant, resulting in the loss of your child? I have a feeling that the additional guilt/repressed feelings about that would influence the cycle?. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 6:55:19 GMT
Said I love you - break up.
Agreed to move in together- break up.
Discussed kids - break up.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 30, 2019 7:09:26 GMT
Said I love you - break up. Oh, me too! Eventually followed by, took a vacation together - break up. The cycle sometimes restarted when things didn't work out with other people we each were dating. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 8:15:12 GMT
Thankfully he broke the cycle by being with someone else. I've yet to see if he'll come back if things don't work out with her but I'm hoping with time I'll be strong enough to say no if he does.
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 30, 2019 8:15:46 GMT
Also worth noting...always spring/early summer.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2019 11:01:50 GMT
I think it's fair to obvious to say - when things get close - that means run!
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 30, 2019 12:24:35 GMT
Mine cycles every 3-4 months. Takes him 3-4 weeks for him to vanish when he cycles.
I have no idea if hes dating someone in those months. I dont ask.
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 30, 2019 17:52:42 GMT
kisstheviolets I hope you aren't asking about this in order to try to predict when an ex will come back? I'm FA and for me and the people I've dated and others I know, it's not predictable like the seasons, but I can look back and see things that in retrospect MIGHT have been triggers for a bout of avoidance (in me that's often just thoughts/feelings, as I'm not the type to suddenly break up with someone or ghost them), which have included: - things that are symbols of things getting more "serious," so things like meeting one another's friends or family, spending a holiday together, talking about going on a trip together, talking about being exclusive, having unprotected sex, talking about moving in together, etc - relationship milestones: there seem to be common time-frames that people think they should be making some kind of major decision about their relationships or should feel a certain way by, such as 3 dates, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year - physical and mental health issues that may have little to do with the relationship, such as times of illness, injuries, depression, stress, grief, changing a medication, PMS, etc - holidays like birthdays, Christmas, etc - spending a lot of time with people outside of the relationship who are triggering, such as family (this usually triggers me anxious towards my romantic partner as opposed to avoidant though) - conflict is a huge one - controlling behavior or criticism from the other person - feeling like the other person has expectations of you that you can't or don't want to meet - sharing a lot of personal information or emotional vulnerability
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 30, 2019 18:20:36 GMT
Hi everyone! Thank you for answering! I hope everyone is having a great day. My question comes from something serenity said about the possibility of this man coming back to me. I honestly never thought about it because he has a new girlfriend and is very all in. Spending lots of time together, going on trips, all those things that took me a while to get him to do.
And I thought about his pattern and I realized it was almost like clockwork every 2-3 months and I got SCARED. I do not imagine I will be ready for such a thing. It made me wonder if anyone noticed patterns related to time. I know they are connected to getting close, but I swear it was like every three months he was back with his ex.
I am in no contact and off all social media, working hard to regain my power.❤️
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Post by serenity on Jul 30, 2019 23:46:43 GMT
Good morning Violets <3
I hope your day has been good so far too. I don't recall the amount of time that has passed since he deactivated; was it about 2-3 months ago now?
Regarding his cycling back, considering the circumstances he may feel he has burned his bridges somewhat, at least in the short term? I wouldn't be expecting him to initiate contact any time soon myself, but you never know I guess.
You'd think that at some point the fact that he abandoned his (rocking!) long term ex girlfriend when she became pregnant is going to sink in with the new woman. And she is a bar girl, probably has a lot of game and could find someone else easily when he starts deactivating on her. idk. I'd be more inclined to expect contact from him if she ditches him?.
What were his contact cycles during your relationship? Like did he get close for a few days, back away for a few days...that sort of thing?
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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 31, 2019 3:26:31 GMT
Good morning Violets <3 I hope your day has been good so far too. I don't recall the amount of time that has passed since he deactivated; was it about 2-3 months ago now? Regarding his cycling back, considering the circumstances he may feel he has burned his bridges somewhat, at least in the short term? I wouldn't be expecting him to initiate contact any time soon myself, but you never know I guess. You'd think that at some point the fact that he abandoned his (rocking!) long term ex girlfriend when she became pregnant is going to sink in with the new woman. And she is a bar girl, probably has a lot of game and could find someone else easily when he starts deactivating on her. idk. I'd be more inclined to expect contact from him if she ditches him?. What were his contact cycles during your relationship? Like did he get close for a few days, back away for a few days...that sort of thing? Hi dear!!❤️❤️ I have wondered if he will eventually feel any shame or regret for how he handled things. I imagine I may never know. I would think he would, I don’t think he is a mad person, he is just so so so so broken. I actually think it may give him some grief as he has always wanted children as well. So I laid out very clear what my boundaries were. I gave him lots and lots of space and freedom. But I would have to say it seemed like every 3 or 4 months he just checked out. I later learned he would begin a sexual relationship with one of his ex girlfriends. The one before me he was totally smitten about at first and 6 months in he was secretly talking to other women in not so appropriate ways. She found out and promptly left. So I do think he has a pattern going on. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 31, 2019 12:19:13 GMT
The FA I dated for 8 1/2 months dumped me twice. First time,Valentine's Day, we had a nice romantic VDay night, then she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship the next day. At the time, we'd been hanging out and hooking up for about 3 1/2 months, and now I was starting to ask uncomfortable questions, "What are we doing? Are we girlfriends? Seems like we're heading that way, and I'd like that." She cycled back in like 3 days.
2nd and final dump was after Pride week, we'd just planned a vacation together and bought bikes together. I'd brought up her moving in with me, she'd said no. We got in one fight, and she was out. She hasn't cycled back, that was almost 2 months ago, and I doubt she will. She knows I would make it very uncomfortable, I really liked her and was happy with her, but I don't do roller coaster relationships.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 1, 2019 19:44:10 GMT
This is a really good list. I’ve also noticed my FA being extra sensitive to when he seems to think I’m being controlling (when I’m not) right before a distant break - even if small - or that my early stage expectations / banter aren’t received in the same light as things got more serious and he got more closer. Or opened up more. Are you willing to share any examples of when he thinks you're being controlling when you think you aren't? Sometimes I feel my boyfriend is being controlling when he thinks he isn't. And his definition of controlling (the things he says he avoids doing so that I "can't feel controlled") are sometimes things I don't even find controlling and actually WANT him to do, like directly express his wants/needs. |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 1, 2019 19:47:49 GMT
The FA I dated for 8 1/2 months dumped me twice. First time,Valentine's Day, we had a nice romantic VDay night, then she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship the next day. At the time, we'd been hanging out and hooking up for about 3 1/2 months, and now I was starting to ask uncomfortable questions, "What are we doing? Are we girlfriends? Seems like we're heading that way, and I'd like that." She cycled back in like 3 days. 2nd and final dump was after Pride week, we'd just planned a vacation together and bought bikes together. I'd brought up her moving in with me, she'd said no. We got in one fight, and she was out. She hasn't cycled back, that was almost 2 months ago, and I doubt she will. She knows I would make it very uncomfortable, I really liked her and was happy with her, but I don't do roller coaster relationships. Sorry you had to go through that  . Yeah, FAs don't necessarily continue acting hot/cold and cycling back, many of us have enough self-control to not keep putting someone through that. |
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This is a great question, I hope you get some decent replies. I just wanted to add, that perhaps it might help to mentioned that he deactivated when you were pregnant, resulting in the loss of your child? I have a feeling that the additional guilt/repressed feelings about that would influence the cycle?.
. Yeah, FAs don't necessarily continue acting hot/cold and cycling back, many of us have enough self-control to not keep putting someone through that.