Post by loveoptimist on Aug 9, 2019 11:06:10 GMT
Hi all! I'm new here, but wanted to share my experience.
I'm a 33 yo recovering AP. Two years ago I was in a relationship with a secure man, and it was an unbelievable experience for me. It didn't end up working out because he has kids and lives in a city I didn't want to spent the next decade of my life in, but it showed me what it feels like to be in an unconditionally loving, normal experience. We actually had met online, discussing esoterics and other shared interests, and it wasn't until three months of mental and emotional connection that we finally met in person. I feel convinced today that if I had met him in the grocery store nothing would've ever transpired between us. Building up the mental and emotional first was what allowed me to rewire my brain and find myself in love with a secure partner.
Cut to the last six months. I have been seeing a 42 yo FA in one of the most intense relationships of my life. We are both nomads pursuing spiritual, alternative lifestyles, and met in India. I thought I'd met my soulmate, because unlike my ex with kids, this guy had the freedom to explore the sorts of alternative realities I was interested in. He seemed to have all the qualities I wanted when I met him, but I now realize I was just seeing the potential in him, and not his actual self. There's a difference between visiting ashrams and attending yoga retreats in Bali and tantric workshops in Sweden, and actually doing the inner work. As soon as we started to approach any sort of real intimacy, he pulled back. His true nature started to unfold, which was one of jadedness, confusion, purposelessness, and running away from having any real, meaningful encounters in his life. He is TERRIFIED of failure, and so can't commit to anything.
However, his fear of commitment didn't prevent him from inviting me to different countries around the world, and even on a family vacation. That was the real trigger, the beginning of the end of our relationship. He distanced so much once we were in Europe with his mother, I thought I was losing my mind. He even sat me down on the beach one night and said things to me no one had ever said, that not one of my friends would ever have said about me. It triggered me in a way I hadn't been trigger for years, causing me to have a panic attack.
But we stayed together, and I pushed on, because I could see that his problems with our relationship weren't about me. I knew they were rooted in deeper childhood issues, and I honestly believed that if I just created a safe enough space for him to open up he could breakthrough. After all, this was a guy who'd changed his name to Prana and had been vegetarian for 14 years (he's since stopped both of those.) It seemed like he was so close to being who I knew he could be, the potential I saw.
But the last month and a half started to become unbearable. He withdrew sex, he distanced himself with an addiction to cryptocurrency trading (basically gambling). He started to fall into a depression. I asked for a week apart in Portugal to try and save the relationship, and also to focus on my art and creative life. That's when I fell back into crazy AP tendencies. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was going through severe withdrawals. I knew what was happening, having done work in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and also having worked AA and OA. I reached out to my network, and found the support I needed. I discovered attachment theory and started reading all these books and listening to podcasts and reading this forum. I recognized all of the aspects of my insecure attachment style, which I had falsely believed to be in remission, and saw his fearful avoidance in living color. it was like having my mind blown. I even reached out to my mother and talked to her about it, in the most healing conversation she and I have ever had. For as painful as that week was, it was also completely necessary.
Then we rejoined. We had talked about doing reflection beforehand, that this week apart would be a time to do work our ourselves. Of course, while I was doing intense processing and healing and fighting all of my AP desires to flood him and reach to him for reassurance, he was smoking pot and numbing out and going into dissociation. I was so unimpressed, and yet I still was prepared to commit to the next three weeks and see if we could have a breakthrough. I was going to be completely authentic, telling him everything I'd learned about attachment theory in the most loving way possible.
Which was exactly what I did. And for a minute, it seemed to be going somewhere. He was becoming more and more vulnerable, softening, telling me about his childhood.But, as soon as he saw hope in my eyes, he would say something vicious to squash it. And he was still withholding sex, saying it would just complicate things and that he wasn't feeling it. He also said he wasn't "in love with me" even though he hadn't been this close to someone since his last relationship 5 years earlier (which played out very similar to ours). But I soldiered on, providing the safety for him to express himself, and trying to facilitate his heart opening. It felt like intense therapy, and I knew I wasn't his therapist, but at this point it seemed our relationship was ending anyway and I wanted him to stand a chance of breaking out of his vicious patterning through awareness after I'd left his life.
Then yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore. For the sixth morning in a row, I woke up miserable and in tears, asking how I'd gotten myself here. I talked to one of our mutual friends, who was very unimpressed with his behavior, and she told me it was time to take my power back. This whole relationship has been about him and his needs, and it was time to put my needs first.
So I did. Starting with having sex. And it was during that that I finally realized I was not going to change this man. That I needed nothing from him, and that I deserved so much more than he was capable of giving me. I felt no blame, just compassion for him and myself. And an absolute clarity came over me. I realized how much I actually loved myself, and how I was enough for me. That I had been holding myself back with him, hiding my light in order to not upset him. And then we sat there, naked, and I let the contents of my heart spill out, coming from total love and empathy. I released him, and in the process I released me. It was one of the best experiences I've ever had, one of the most empowering. Because the truth is, he can't meet me at my level, and if I'm going to soar in this life I need a partner who is ready for that journey with me.
I woke up this morning feeling light and strong and worthy. I don't feel like I need anything from him, and I booked my flight back home. I am grateful for this experience, because it helped me really face some of my dwindling self-worth issues and anxieties, but more than anything it showed me how courageous I actually am. How willing I am to fight for the things I believe in, and that no man can break me down or take away the love I feel for the world. One of my favorite movie quotes is at the end of the Ben Stiller film "Brad's status". I'm paraphrasing, but he looks at a beautiful friend of his son's on stage, and says "I could finally appreciate the world without having to possess it." That is how I now feel right now. I can look at him with love in my heart and zero anxiety, because I no longer fear his abandonment.
I'm a 33 yo recovering AP. Two years ago I was in a relationship with a secure man, and it was an unbelievable experience for me. It didn't end up working out because he has kids and lives in a city I didn't want to spent the next decade of my life in, but it showed me what it feels like to be in an unconditionally loving, normal experience. We actually had met online, discussing esoterics and other shared interests, and it wasn't until three months of mental and emotional connection that we finally met in person. I feel convinced today that if I had met him in the grocery store nothing would've ever transpired between us. Building up the mental and emotional first was what allowed me to rewire my brain and find myself in love with a secure partner.
Cut to the last six months. I have been seeing a 42 yo FA in one of the most intense relationships of my life. We are both nomads pursuing spiritual, alternative lifestyles, and met in India. I thought I'd met my soulmate, because unlike my ex with kids, this guy had the freedom to explore the sorts of alternative realities I was interested in. He seemed to have all the qualities I wanted when I met him, but I now realize I was just seeing the potential in him, and not his actual self. There's a difference between visiting ashrams and attending yoga retreats in Bali and tantric workshops in Sweden, and actually doing the inner work. As soon as we started to approach any sort of real intimacy, he pulled back. His true nature started to unfold, which was one of jadedness, confusion, purposelessness, and running away from having any real, meaningful encounters in his life. He is TERRIFIED of failure, and so can't commit to anything.
However, his fear of commitment didn't prevent him from inviting me to different countries around the world, and even on a family vacation. That was the real trigger, the beginning of the end of our relationship. He distanced so much once we were in Europe with his mother, I thought I was losing my mind. He even sat me down on the beach one night and said things to me no one had ever said, that not one of my friends would ever have said about me. It triggered me in a way I hadn't been trigger for years, causing me to have a panic attack.
But we stayed together, and I pushed on, because I could see that his problems with our relationship weren't about me. I knew they were rooted in deeper childhood issues, and I honestly believed that if I just created a safe enough space for him to open up he could breakthrough. After all, this was a guy who'd changed his name to Prana and had been vegetarian for 14 years (he's since stopped both of those.) It seemed like he was so close to being who I knew he could be, the potential I saw.
But the last month and a half started to become unbearable. He withdrew sex, he distanced himself with an addiction to cryptocurrency trading (basically gambling). He started to fall into a depression. I asked for a week apart in Portugal to try and save the relationship, and also to focus on my art and creative life. That's when I fell back into crazy AP tendencies. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was going through severe withdrawals. I knew what was happening, having done work in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and also having worked AA and OA. I reached out to my network, and found the support I needed. I discovered attachment theory and started reading all these books and listening to podcasts and reading this forum. I recognized all of the aspects of my insecure attachment style, which I had falsely believed to be in remission, and saw his fearful avoidance in living color. it was like having my mind blown. I even reached out to my mother and talked to her about it, in the most healing conversation she and I have ever had. For as painful as that week was, it was also completely necessary.
Then we rejoined. We had talked about doing reflection beforehand, that this week apart would be a time to do work our ourselves. Of course, while I was doing intense processing and healing and fighting all of my AP desires to flood him and reach to him for reassurance, he was smoking pot and numbing out and going into dissociation. I was so unimpressed, and yet I still was prepared to commit to the next three weeks and see if we could have a breakthrough. I was going to be completely authentic, telling him everything I'd learned about attachment theory in the most loving way possible.
Which was exactly what I did. And for a minute, it seemed to be going somewhere. He was becoming more and more vulnerable, softening, telling me about his childhood.But, as soon as he saw hope in my eyes, he would say something vicious to squash it. And he was still withholding sex, saying it would just complicate things and that he wasn't feeling it. He also said he wasn't "in love with me" even though he hadn't been this close to someone since his last relationship 5 years earlier (which played out very similar to ours). But I soldiered on, providing the safety for him to express himself, and trying to facilitate his heart opening. It felt like intense therapy, and I knew I wasn't his therapist, but at this point it seemed our relationship was ending anyway and I wanted him to stand a chance of breaking out of his vicious patterning through awareness after I'd left his life.
Then yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore. For the sixth morning in a row, I woke up miserable and in tears, asking how I'd gotten myself here. I talked to one of our mutual friends, who was very unimpressed with his behavior, and she told me it was time to take my power back. This whole relationship has been about him and his needs, and it was time to put my needs first.
So I did. Starting with having sex. And it was during that that I finally realized I was not going to change this man. That I needed nothing from him, and that I deserved so much more than he was capable of giving me. I felt no blame, just compassion for him and myself. And an absolute clarity came over me. I realized how much I actually loved myself, and how I was enough for me. That I had been holding myself back with him, hiding my light in order to not upset him. And then we sat there, naked, and I let the contents of my heart spill out, coming from total love and empathy. I released him, and in the process I released me. It was one of the best experiences I've ever had, one of the most empowering. Because the truth is, he can't meet me at my level, and if I'm going to soar in this life I need a partner who is ready for that journey with me.
I woke up this morning feeling light and strong and worthy. I don't feel like I need anything from him, and I booked my flight back home. I am grateful for this experience, because it helped me really face some of my dwindling self-worth issues and anxieties, but more than anything it showed me how courageous I actually am. How willing I am to fight for the things I believe in, and that no man can break me down or take away the love I feel for the world. One of my favorite movie quotes is at the end of the Ben Stiller film "Brad's status". I'm paraphrasing, but he looks at a beautiful friend of his son's on stage, and says "I could finally appreciate the world without having to possess it." That is how I now feel right now. I can look at him with love in my heart and zero anxiety, because I no longer fear his abandonment.