Don't get this | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

jules
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Posts: 142

Don't get this Aug 9, 2019 23:43:30 GMT via mobile

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Post by jules on Aug 9, 2019 23:43:30 GMT

Today he intentionally attempted to make me jealous by saying someone was hitting on him, and its hard to explain but he tied it up with one of our personal jokes. Then he told me he gets hit on all the time, "we both do" when I said I did not understand why he was telling me this. All I focused on initially was the being hit on whereas he was trying to bring focus to the warm hearted inside joke and I missed the point I guess. Say whaaa

Some times I think he tells tall tales.

I feel like in this instance, he's trying to get me jealous. I point blank asked if he was needing attention. I didn't mention that I don't do jealous. I let my actions speak there for sure. If anyone starts seeking options, I opt out.

He said he did not need attention (certainly, in fact, lol) and apologized for sharing (in a very non snarky way, he plays odd but he always plays very verbally fair) I told him he need not be sorry, he can share anything good/bad/indiffdrent...life. Guess I missed the point. I think the point was hes desireable. Don't forget it Jules!! Perhaps I am wrong. Dunno.

I double texted (I never do that, but hey, yolo) a benign message a couple hours later and he has yet to respond. Which I am neither perturbed nor upset by. I could use the space from everyone to be honest. A lot going on, mostly good stuff, but a lot and I am ill suddenly, poor timing. C'est la vie!
I need rest and focus and time to myself to heal and take care of things.

I still don't understand why he was intentionally telling me he was hit on. I never really mention others interest in me. Any ideas?

Jules

alexandra
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Posts: 2,917

Don't get this Aug 10, 2019 0:35:11 GMT via mobile caro and serenity like this

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Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2019 0:35:11 GMT

jules, it's most likely either lacking EQ or it's an unconscious bid to create distance (if he's FA, there's a good chance he always has to feel one foot out to feel safe) and/or competition (if the need he's trying to feel is connection, not disconnection -- FAs swing back and forth between anxious and avoidant-type needs sometimes). Because it's probably not intentional, if you ask him why he's bringing it up, he may not know on the spot and won't know how to answer and maybe will just say it's a joke.

You already know he's FA and you decided to stay, so just don't sweat it. It's not really about you. It's probably just a defense mechanism.

serenity
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Posts: 771

Don't get this Aug 10, 2019 0:37:25 GMT hola, caro, and 1 more like this

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Post by serenity on Aug 10, 2019 0:37:25 GMT

Heya Jules

This is what they call ` Triangulating' ; letting you know they are desirable to others. Its often intended to get more devotion (not necessarily attention) from a primary love interest(you), and it can be unconscious. FA's can be such beautifully instinctual creatures, so triangulation may be part of his ingrained repertoire for getting his needs met.

Notice how you double texted? Do watch how you respond to triangulation.. you can subtly reward him for it, reinforcing the behaviour and making yourself more uncomfortable. That may be okay if it genuinely excites you, and its a fun little game between you. But if it only makes you anxious, then be careful not to reward him.

Since FA's love distance, even giving distance can be like rewarding him. So responding to this is complicated.

1.You can `not react' at all, which can help triangulation lose its power.
2. If the other person is persistently in your social group, you can befriend them and win their loyalty to your side. Also has the effect of making triangulation lose its power
3. You can give him a taste of his own medicine. (which if done subtely and tastefully, can increase their respect for you)

Last Edit: Aug 10, 2019 0:39:28 GMT by serenity

hannah99
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Posts: 196

Don't get this Aug 10, 2019 12:47:17 GMT via mobile alexandra likes this

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Post by hannah99 on Aug 10, 2019 12:47:17 GMT

Shamefully, I've made comments like this in previous relationships. Sometimes as a little joke which has been taken light heartedly e.g. 'I think a guy on the subway was eyeing me up this morning.' 'Well who can blame him!' At other times it would be crueller. 'A guy was hitting on me last night, it was hot. You're lucky I didn't cheat.'

In neither case did it have anything to do with how much I loved my partner. It was me needing validation, seeing if he cared enough to get upset.

My most recent ex calmly explained I was hurting him and I stopped. Could you do that?

jules
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Posts: 142

Don't get this Aug 10, 2019 13:25:21 GMT via mobile

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Post by jules on Aug 10, 2019 13:25:21 GMT

Thank you all. After I posted this, it dawned on me; this is the fearful side.

He texted back to respond after I had already went to bed (albeit very early).
I am ill and I know I wont see him until I am well again. How we both prefer it. I'll text him later. Got a bunch to do.
Thank you for the responses!

I did stick around! Glad I did. He is so interesting to me. His spirit is infectious.

Jules