Post by elizincali on Aug 10, 2019 14:07:22 GMT
Hello,
some months back, i posted a thread about my « friend » on the DA board but i’m now pretty sure he’s more FA. in any case, it’s been a year of cycling in and out of a relationship that has left me frustrated and confused.
Hes 53, never married, longest relationship 1-1.5 yrs, never cohabitated.
He has a history of childhood physical and possibly other abuse about which he has shared little but it was traumatic upbringing.
I fall on the secure side and or i mask AP well when it triggers me.
The biggest struggle has been intimacy and sex. After the first couple times, it dwindled to once a month and now hasn’t happened since April. I have given him opportunités to convert to a platonic friendship he has asked me to do the same at times (always just before he deactivated and disappears for several weeks — ever time cycling back).
anyways, it’s a trigger for him and i am at a loss. i am gentl i don’t push but i have made it clear that i need intimacy if we are going to spend so much time together. i have never pushed to define us. i respect his DA FA ways — tells me he can’t do this (sex( right now
a few nights ago was the final straw. i asked him (during a great night at his place. dinner music laughter — why he stopped kissing me. all he could say was: i don’t know. but i can’t do « this » right now.
yet he circles and cycles and gets more anxious when i pull away so that i can move on.
there’s incredible chémistry and we care so much for each other. i get him. he’s a lot like my father. i dont « need » from him and that’s why we work. i feel his love and now that i recognize the distancing behaviors and let them play out bc he comes around i feel more secure.
but intimacy is a deal breaker. it’s not a physical problem btw. he has only ever had casual sex in the past few years. tells me he has never respected anyone he is this close with. there’s s lot tied in there but it certainly was a pattern that the closer we became emotionally the less he ever touched me.
i don’t want to let him go — thé circling is hard on me every time — but i am craving lphysical love and being his friend and support person is hard when i want more.
we have been no contact twice recently. i might need to go there for myself but i don’t want to abandon him either.
any pointers? anyone experience this with FA? anything i can do to help bring out these feelings in him?
some months back, i posted a thread about my « friend » on the DA board but i’m now pretty sure he’s more FA. in any case, it’s been a year of cycling in and out of a relationship that has left me frustrated and confused.
Hes 53, never married, longest relationship 1-1.5 yrs, never cohabitated.
He has a history of childhood physical and possibly other abuse about which he has shared little but it was traumatic upbringing.
I fall on the secure side and or i mask AP well when it triggers me.
The biggest struggle has been intimacy and sex. After the first couple times, it dwindled to once a month and now hasn’t happened since April. I have given him opportunités to convert to a platonic friendship he has asked me to do the same at times (always just before he deactivated and disappears for several weeks — ever time cycling back).
anyways, it’s a trigger for him and i am at a loss. i am gentl i don’t push but i have made it clear that i need intimacy if we are going to spend so much time together. i have never pushed to define us. i respect his DA FA ways — tells me he can’t do this (sex( right now
a few nights ago was the final straw. i asked him (during a great night at his place. dinner music laughter — why he stopped kissing me. all he could say was: i don’t know. but i can’t do « this » right now.
yet he circles and cycles and gets more anxious when i pull away so that i can move on.
there’s incredible chémistry and we care so much for each other. i get him. he’s a lot like my father. i dont « need » from him and that’s why we work. i feel his love and now that i recognize the distancing behaviors and let them play out bc he comes around i feel more secure.
but intimacy is a deal breaker. it’s not a physical problem btw. he has only ever had casual sex in the past few years. tells me he has never respected anyone he is this close with. there’s s lot tied in there but it certainly was a pattern that the closer we became emotionally the less he ever touched me.
i don’t want to let him go — thé circling is hard on me every time — but i am craving lphysical love and being his friend and support person is hard when i want more.
we have been no contact twice recently. i might need to go there for myself but i don’t want to abandon him either.
any pointers? anyone experience this with FA? anything i can do to help bring out these feelings in him?