sol
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by sol on Aug 14, 2019 22:20:50 GMT
Hi everyone. It’s my first time posting here.
I’m a woman in my 30s with mostly secure attachment type and just ended a 5 month relationship with a severely dismissive avoidant person 2 days ago. During those 5 month he really activated my AP and maybe even FA tendencies until I reached a point where I couldn’t put up with the constant all day anxiety anymore and broke it off. He asked if that meant no contact and I said yes, which I’m now conflicted about.
The problem is I really really fell for the guy. The unlikely intersection of our specific interests, views, and other qualities were so fulfilling for me that I believe I won’t find someone like that again. I’m coming to terms with the fact that our needs are very different and the possibility of us working out are slim to none, but it doesn’t make the break up hurt any less, or feeling guilty that I didn’t try hard enough or ended it prematurely. I still have mini panic attack whenever my phone buzzes thinking it might be him even though logically I know it won’t be. Everything reminds me of him and all I want to do is reach out to him to sooth my pain but of course I can’t because his avoidant responses will only make the pain worse and I’m the one that broke it off.
I guess my question is:
Is it worth trying to pursue a friendship with him in the future? I made an attempt to just be friends with him about 2 month in and my feelings kept pulling me back to him. Right now I’m going to take sometime to establish my own identity and independence but I can’t help feeling like I’m loosing such a valuable connection in my life if I were to never speak to him again.
If I reach out in the future, how likely is it that he’d be open to it? I think I may have hurt his ego or his feelings by requesting no contact, and he may be resentful of me based on his last message (“If you can’t handle coexisting in any from I don’t want to deal with it” when I asked if we could meet in person one last time)
If I do decide to reach out in the future, any tips from DAs here that can help me with what’s the most positive way to do so? How likely will he be to hold grudge about the breakup? (I assumed he’d be fine since he said he’s always been fine after a breakups)
Its still all quite fresh and raw, and I’m probably not doing myself any service by still thinking about him so much, but I don’t know where else to turn to. Dealing with feelings towards a DA is so unique that general advice from friends are often unhelpful.
I’m still anxious and grieving but getting better. Thanks for reading, and reading the other posts here have been helpful, I wish I had come here sooner.
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ted
New Member
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Post by ted on Aug 14, 2019 23:57:41 GMT
sol. asking many of the same questions. check my other post. DAs can probably help you here more than I can.
My take is a bit different, I am older, I stated on date #2 when she made a comment about reaching out to a guy she dated to be friends, that I would never do that. I was looking for an LTR and I believed up till she 180'd on me she was right there with me. I also left it a bit differently, for the last few weeks I tried to softly get her to open up, when I realized she was just back-peddling further and further I just told her I wanted more, her feelings obviously changed for me, and said the middle ground didn't work for me and wished her well. She responded saying sorry she had hurt me (no reason), a lame excuse as to why we weren't compatible and said I was even more than a man she ever wanted to love and cherish. We never had a single relationship problem in 6 months. Torture, no closure.
Went no contact right after that it's been a couple weeks when I discovered DA. She is textbook, she just threw away a great guy for absolutely no reason.
My opinion is do not try to be friends until you have healed and have no interest or hope in becoming more than friends. That's just death by 1000 cuts. If you are healed and ready I don't see a downside, but be outcome independent, anything can happen and will.
In my case we will never be friends, I wanted and LTR and I would always want the woman I had before she 180'd me. Furthermore, in the 6 months I learned a great deal about her and reflecting upon she is very very DA. Unless she gets help and I don't think she even recognizes it, no way the woman I started to fall in love with will return.
Time is your ally, meet me back here in a month and see if you feelings and perspective have changed I am sure mine will.
Peace.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2019 0:38:19 GMT
This DA will not trust you, and will trigger you just as much as a friend as he did when you were dating. The dynamic will always leave you unsettled and anxious and questioning whether you can win him to different behavior.
That's my prediction, it's really my best guess.
He will have low tolerance for drama while inciting it with his dismissive behavior. A DA can be a very good friend to his platonic friends- but once the romance line has been crossed it is very tough.
I say this having maintained a friendship with my partner (also avoidant) after a separation due to life issues- and we continue in relationship now. However, the situation is different enough to disregard.
When a DA maintains a friendship with an ex it will be solely in their terms- because that's just the way it is. I'm not saying it's nice and I'm not saying you should tolerate it but I am saying, from experience and because I'm a DA myself- that IS the way it is.
I could go into the whys to soften that but I don't need to for this post. It comes to a difference in instinctual drives that only really garner negative commentary from thwarted partners and DA'sthemselves who have at last come to a point of desiring more human attachment. The rest of the world is fine with us. Don't hold your breath waiting for an awakening. It's the toughest style to change because we have gone to sleep..
Disappointing then, disappointing now, and disappointing in the future, no doubt.
Raise your standard for friendship, because if you are anxious you're swimming in the wrong puddle... you can find friendship that is more accommodating to your lifestyle and needs. Even friendships entail emotional needs and require consistency.
Deeply DA people are consistent to themselves. I am deeply DA and the friends I have are also dismissive and secure/toward avoidant- it's perfect and our bonds are strong but not foreign to us- we are culturally compatible. Anxious friends become anxious, and these aren't people I've even dated.
I think this is somewhat of a fantasy, possibly entertaining the want for what you can't have- don't we all.
I'm sorry I didn't have a more encouraging bit to say. The post romance friendship with a DA is - unsatisfactory to painful, for most.
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Post by bluefranky on Aug 15, 2019 0:55:39 GMT
"Don't hold your breath waiting for an awakening. It's the toughest style to change because we have gone to sleep..
Disappointing then, disappointing now, and disappointing in the future, no doubt".
Again, thank you!
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sol
New Member
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Post by sol on Aug 15, 2019 8:30:35 GMT
Thank you Ted, bluefranky, and
sherry for sharing.
It only been a few hours and I already have an update:
In an unfortunate turn of events his dog died today.
I prematurely broke my no contact and expressed my condolences and support as a friend. He thanked me and we did not extend the communication further.
I had a lengthy discussion with a close friend today about what's been happening and she pointed out to me that I've been reacting out of fear. I broke it off with him abruptly out of fear that he will keep hurting me and never get better, and I considered not expressing condolences about the death of his dog out of fear of being rejected or ignored. These actions are both valid and the right thing to do, but came from a closed off mentality. I'm still grieving for the loss of him and the relationship but I feel slightly better about it now. I left the relationship without any resentment and I'll continue to work on keeping my heart open with empathy and compassion towards him. I'll never be the one to change him and I won't be there to support him on his relationship journey, but I can still wish for his well being and believe in his capacity for growth. It hurts a lot right now but I know in time it will pass.
I've resumed the no contact and don't intend to reach out for friendship in the future. If he does reach out for some reason (unlikely) or if we run into each other I won't avoid the contact either. Sorry my decisions are a bit anticlimactic and without closure, but I feel it's a better representation of my beliefs and who I am than the person I have been the past few months.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 15, 2019 8:32:47 GMT
I tried with my da and he was very distrusting and suspicious of me. He said exes can't be friends and that's that.
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Post by mrob on Aug 15, 2019 11:31:51 GMT
and said the middle ground didn't work for me and wished her well. She responded saying sorry she had hurt me (no reason), a lame excuse as to why we weren't compatible and said I was even more than a man she ever wanted to love and cherish. We never had a single relationship problem in 6 months. Torture, no closure. That is the closure. You ended it, she responded. That’s it. Closed. |
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 15, 2019 11:32:55 GMT
sol, you sound way more healthy than I am at 4 weeks NC. keep it up.
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ted
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by ted on Aug 15, 2019 12:01:25 GMT
and said the middle ground didn't work for me and wished her well. She responded saying sorry she had hurt me (no reason), a lame excuse as to why we weren't compatible and said I was even more than a man she ever wanted to love and cherish. We never had a single relationship problem in 6 months. Torture, no closure. That is the closure. You ended it, she responded. That’s it. Closed. mrob, yep that is closure. I probably should have said "no understanding" instead of "no closure". Had I never stumbled upon DA, I'd still be racking my brain to understand this. I never knew or heard of anyone acting this way in a relationship. So I have closure and understanding. Now just trying to let the memory fade of an illusion that appeared all so real to me at one point. thanks. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 15, 2019 12:10:01 GMT
Do yourself a favour and have a read of Jeb’s “Bad Boyfriends” book. I think it’ll answer some of your questions, but do remember that it takes two to tango. You have a part in this dynamic as well.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2019 16:09:07 GMT
In my opinion, speaking from inside the mind of a dismissive, the work of Diane Poole Heller and Dr. Peter Levine addresses the issues of ALL attachment insecurity much more accurately, with compassion and the science of neurobiology to back it all up.
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Aug 15, 2019 17:38:38 GMT
Hi everyone. It’s my first time posting here. I’m a woman in my 30s with mostly secure attachment type and just ended a 5 month relationship with a severely dismissive avoidant person 2 days ago. During those 5 month he really activated my AP and maybe even FA tendencies until I reached a point where I couldn’t put up with the constant all day anxiety anymore and broke it off. He asked if that meant no contact and I said yes, which I’m now conflicted about. The problem is I really really fell for the guy. The unlikely intersection of our specific interests, views, and other qualities were so fulfilling for me that I believe I won’t find someone like that again. I’m coming to terms with the fact that our needs are very different and the possibility of us working out are slim to none, but it doesn’t make the break up hurt any less, or feeling guilty that I didn’t try hard enough or ended it prematurely. I still have mini panic attack whenever my phone buzzes thinking it might be him even though logically I know it won’t be. Everything reminds me of him and all I want to do is reach out to him to sooth my pain but of course I can’t because his avoidant responses will only make the pain worse and I’m the one that broke it off. I guess my question is: Is it worth trying to pursue a friendship with him in the future? I made an attempt to just be friends with him about 2 month in and my feelings kept pulling me back to him. Right now I’m going to take sometime to establish my own identity and independence but I can’t help feeling like I’m loosing such a valuable connection in my life if I were to never speak to him again. If I reach out in the future, how likely is it that he’d be open to it? I think I may have hurt his ego or his feelings by requesting no contact, and he may be resentful of me based on his last message (“If you can’t handle coexisting in any from I don’t want to deal with it” when I asked if we could meet in person one last time) If I do decide to reach out in the future, any tips from DAs here that can help me with what’s the most positive way to do so? How likely will he be to hold grudge about the breakup? (I assumed he’d be fine since he said he’s always been fine after a breakups) Its still all quite fresh and raw, and I’m probably not doing myself any service by still thinking about him so much, but I don’t know where else to turn to. Dealing with feelings towards a DA is so unique that general advice from friends are often unhelpful. I’m still anxious and grieving but getting better. Thanks for reading, and reading the other posts here have been helpful, I wish I had come here sooner. As an FA, I've had relationships w/DA's or FA's and please trust me when I tell you, get out now and bunker down. Go through your pain and release it from your body. Get your GF's or people around you and hang onto them for support. People that DO love you and SHOW it. Love is always ALL around us and we sometimes refuse to see because of our own limited beliefs. If you think you're going though pain now, it'll only get worse if you continue that "friendship". It'll just continue to trigger old wounds for you. You need to understand they have issues that you'll never be able to heal. But at the same time, that does not mean they can come and treat you less than. You have to place that boundary for your own health and well being. You cannot learn how to love yourself and heal insecure attachments when you let other people treat you like old patterns. I repeat this to myself every....single....day Hope this helps |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 19, 2019 21:16:11 GMT
Thank you Ted, bluefranky, and sherry for sharing. It only been a few hours and I already have an update: In an unfortunate turn of events his dog died today. I prematurely broke my no contact and expressed my condolences and support as a friend. He thanked me and we did not extend the communication further. I had a lengthy discussion with a close friend today about what's been happening and she pointed out to me that I've been reacting out of fear. I broke it off with him abruptly out of fear that he will keep hurting me and never get better, and I considered not expressing condolences about the death of his dog out of fear of being rejected or ignored. These actions are both valid and the right thing to do, but came from a closed off mentality. I'm still grieving for the loss of him and the relationship but I feel slightly better about it now. I left the relationship without any resentment and I'll continue to work on keeping my heart open with empathy and compassion towards him. I'll never be the one to change him and I won't be there to support him on his relationship journey, but I can still wish for his well being and believe in his capacity for growth. It hurts a lot right now but I know in time it will pass. I've resumed the no contact and don't intend to reach out for friendship in the future. If he does reach out for some reason (unlikely) or if we run into each other I won't avoid the contact either. Sorry my decisions are a bit anticlimactic and without closure, but I feel it's a better representation of my beliefs and who I am than the person I have been the past few months. sol I know I'm late to this discussion, but I had to write because I was in an 8 mo relationship with an FA ( not knowing then he was FA or even what that meant) when I broke things off because he had been acting distant, cancelling on me and I just didn't want to stick around for that kind of push pull shit anymore. It broke my heart but my logical mind knew it was the right thing to do. Fast forward a few months later, one of his dogs died and he reached out to me to let me know, thanking me because I was always "so good" to his dogs. That reopened communication for us for a bit, but it was the same push pull shit. THEN six weeks later his other dog died and again he reached out to me for emotional support and I fell for it. Long story short, I eventually ended things once and for all when I realized we couldn't be in a relationship OR friends. I told him I was done and this wasn't healthy for me. By then I was done with his bullshit and I was so ready to move on. He tried to reach out to me a few times after that a few months later, I was short or didn't respond at all. THEN he was following me on social media ( I had deleted him from my IG account) and then I blocked him. He made up several fake accounts that I also blocked. It was so bizarre to me why he cared about my life when he could not give a shit when we were together. Anyway, just wanted to share because the dog dying reminded me so much of my situation. I hope you have come to some healing at this point! |
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