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Post by ocarina on Aug 16, 2019 10:39:56 GMT
Sometimes I think that the way we frame behaviours actually impedes healing and prevents change.
The definition of an attachment disorder already makes a person somehow faulty and requires will power, work etc to reach a goal of the magical "secure". It kept me feeling somehow defective and within that, brought with it a sense of shame, of being wrong, of having to work towards something.
I have been playing around with the realisation that these behaviours are not me- they are learned neurological responses which were once functional but no longer serve me in my desire to live a rich fulfilling life. Seeing them as kind of psychological junk - ie urges and learnt patterns which have stemmed from an old way of reacting to the world which I no longer need, has been immensely helpful in getting me unstuck - in beginning to notice from a wiser and more peaceful place, my patterns as just well entrenched pathways from the past - which if I learn to notice but not act upon, gradually lose their power.
It doesn't require any analysing, avoiding, getting caught up in, defining, overthinking. Just the simple noticing of what is no longer helpful and allowing it to be at a distance until it fades rather than letting it control my life.
I've always felt somehow defective - now that feeling is lifted.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 16, 2019 10:49:13 GMT
I think this might depend where in your journey you are.
For me, I felt like discovering my attachment issues and feeling a bit of sympathy and sadness for child me had helped. It made me give myself less of a hard time for some of my behaviours.
Maybe when I've been through more therapy and moved further along my journey I feel a bit more like you do..
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2019 11:24:07 GMT
i feel like we should accept that our attachment styles are less than stellar, but we are not just our attachment styles and should not continue to repeat that identity nor use that to differentiate ourselves from each other. We all have insecurities that manifest in different ways, and being curious and accepting of the myriad of ways, not just your own, helped alot in accepting my own the way you've described it ocarina. simply that I noticed unhelpful behaviors in myself and others, and deciding to move away from it/them. through seeing that these insecurities are commonalities, not differences, between people, i was alot more able to be compassionate towards myself as we as others, because we're not defective and cannot be repaired, we are just in the process of consciously improving ourselves towards a better version. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 16, 2019 12:03:50 GMT
I do think that the initial step is recognising that you're in this place for a reason - ie looking and accepting what's happened in the past. But from this point, not attaching to the past and defining yourself by it - but instead allowing it to be there with compassion, but being open to the fact that you have control over all of this - and that there's no striving for perfection here - we are all in this together.
This recognition gave me freedom to choose how to behave rather than being driven incessantly by past conditioning and getting stuck in a rut.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 16, 2019 19:10:02 GMT
I totally agree. Also, the way this forum views attachment styles is NOT the way that--in my experience--therapists view attachment styles.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 16, 2019 20:20:20 GMT
Acknowledging and accepting the past is one thing, but time and time again on here we see people who have done this to the nth degree and the past defines them and holds them hostage.
For me the ability to recognize my avoidant voices and behaviors and to compassionately learn to shrug them off - not to believe them even though they seem ‘real’ has resulted in far more rapid growth than years of dwelling on my attachment style and test of others - the reason behind it and all that Jazz.
I understand this may not work for everyone but for me it was quite simple- my avoidance was learned behaviors - patterns of neuronal firings that we’re protective in their time but had become well worn pathways through repeated use. Distance and recognizing them as such has helped me so much more than all the analyzing in the world ever did. If a thought or action is not in line with my actions now I recognize it as an old pattern and make a choice not to follow it on its way
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2019 0:41:28 GMT
I am begining to view mine as urges...I have an urge check or an urge to contact or an urge to create a story.....sometimes I will allow myself to follow through with the urge, but the urge does not define me or my worth.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 23, 2019 21:22:11 GMT
I am begining to view mine as urges...I have an urge check or an urge to contact or an urge to create a story.....sometimes I will allow myself to follow through with the urge, but the urge does not define me or my worth. And just because the urge is strong doesn't mean it's real or in your best interest - and it doesn't mean you HAVE to follow through if it's not in line with your values, with where you'd like your life to be going.
Importantly it doesn't mean you're defective for having urges in the first place - they are adaptive habits, often stemming from past needs - but the ability to notice them and choose not to act upon them in the present will mean that with time, they become less potent.
Good on you tnr9 I know you're going through things at the moment and there must be a whirlwind of things in your head - noticing this kind of thing is really helpful - much of it is what I see as "psychological smog" and real as it may seem - it doesn't pay to get caught up in it.
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