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Post by hannah99 on Aug 21, 2019 22:48:56 GMT
You're so helpful sherry. You say the stuff I need to hear but don't want to.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 22:52:39 GMT
You're so helpful sherry. You say the stuff I need to hear but don't want to. I'm glad!! These are just new habits. It won't be like magic, instant amazing... But you are really going to feel better and like yourself more when you start being kind and generous to yourself. |
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 21, 2019 23:00:31 GMT
I'll update on here if that's ok!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 23:42:56 GMT
I think these are all great things to do! I think these practices need to be underpinned by a fundamental question of "how do i want to be treated?" or "what kind of life do i want to have" or "what do i need to feel like i'm a woman/special", then pick behaviors accordingly to "treat" yourself. I wanted to be treated with comfort, pretty things, patience, and kindness. So I choose self-love practices with those intent in mind e.g., going shopping myself just to have fun looking at pretty things and having a coffee to rest, going for yin yoga more than other forms of yoga, getting a facial cos my face was a mess, cleaning and decorating my house just the way i like it, taking music lessons for fun. just need to decide for yourself what kind of treatment is the standard you will set for yourself, and then choose behaviors and people accordingly. you're an adult now, so you can make and pay for those choices yourself!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 0:15:21 GMT
I agree @shiningstar. I started doing these things for different reasons, a couple years ago. For me, it was about letting other people take care of and nurture me. The actual physical touch and caring manner that people in these service professions deliver, has been really good for me. It helps me feel integrated into the human family. So I get my hair cut and chat with my stylist, she makes me look cute and gives me highlights which I never had in my life, but it softens my look and I receive a lot of compliments. The people at my pedicure place are so kind and warm, so I feel taken care of there too. I like to get massage regularly for the TLC. I don't like shopping at all, in fact I hate it but Amazon helps me out there. But all of it has helped me feel more gentleness and kindness and connectedness.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 0:45:48 GMT
I agree @shiningstar . I started doing these things for different reasons, a couple years ago. For me, it was about letting other people take care of and nurture me. The actual physical touch and caring manner that people in these service professions deliver, has been really good for me. It helps me feel integrated into the human family. So I get my hair cut and chat with my stylist, she makes me look cute and gives me highlights which I never had in my life, but it softens my look and I receive a lot of compliments. The people at my pedicure place are so kind and warm, so I feel taken care of there too. I like to get massage regularly for the TLC. I don't like shopping at all, in fact I hate it but Amazon helps me out there. But all of it has helped me feel more gentleness and kindness and connectedness. that's interesting! I do these things because it allows me time to connect with myself - I pay to be quiet/alone while being pampered, so that I can enjoy that pampering without feeling like I need to be considerate to the other person or having to give back to other person. for example, i can ask my partner to massage me, but i find it really hard to just sit and receive it fully, because i would worry that he doesn't want to do it or is tired or bored. this highlights why it's really important to ask oneself what it is that you need and why you're engaging in those behaviors - they look the same but have different motivations, and it makes more sense (to me) to figure out what your motivation is to pick the right thing for you and then fully enjoy that experience and your need fulfilment. that, for me, is self-love. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 1:46:00 GMT
I agree @shiningstar . I started doing these things for different reasons, a couple years ago. For me, it was about letting other people take care of and nurture me. The actual physical touch and caring manner that people in these service professions deliver, has been really good for me. It helps me feel integrated into the human family. So I get my hair cut and chat with my stylist, she makes me look cute and gives me highlights which I never had in my life, but it softens my look and I receive a lot of compliments. The people at my pedicure place are so kind and warm, so I feel taken care of there too. I like to get massage regularly for the TLC. I don't like shopping at all, in fact I hate it but Amazon helps me out there. But all of it has helped me feel more gentleness and kindness and connectedness. that's interesting! I do these things because it allows me time to connect with myself - I pay to be quiet/alone while being pampered, so that I can enjoy that pampering without feeling like I need to be considerate to the other person or having to give back to other person. for example, i can ask my partner to massage me, but i find it really hard to just sit and receive it fully, because i would worry that he doesn't want to do it or is tired or bored. this highlights why it's really important to ask oneself what it is that you need and why you're engaging in those behaviors - they look the same but have different motivations, and it makes more sense (to me) to figure out what your motivation is to pick the right thing for you and then fully enjoy that experience and your need fulfilment. that, for me, is self-love. It is interesting, the different motivations. When I proposed it to Hannah, I did so seeing that she is neglecting herself, and not being kind and generous to herself. That's not an issue I identify with, nor is a feeling of low worth and unimportance. But it certainly seems like doing these things would be a good practice for turning the generosity. care, and altruistic intention inward. I think all insecure types need this but particularly AP. For me, my direction of integration is toward others. I take very good care of myself in terms of habits and wants and feeling worthy and satisfied by myself. My big growth area has been self love in the form of connecting with others in personal care things. Because it is personal- taking care of my body: My hair. My feet. I have really softened up by letting myself be a part of community , a pack animal if you will... letting people take care of me. So I choose to nurture myself by letting others be there for me. I'm very independent in every way so this creates a pleasant sense of being cared for and needing people. Plus like I said, I have chosen kind people that I have a nice rapport with so it doesn't feel like I am just getting a service. I'm getting human care: My ME time is all the other time in my life haha. Just on the other end of the spectrum I guess  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 4:10:11 GMT
exactly!! i find this exchange really insightful, that we do the same behaviors for different purposes, but fundamentally it's about being kind and generous to oneself that you previously might not have thought it important nor necessary. and to be honest, it might not be important nor necessary, but it is nice and enjoyable, and thus, is worthy of doing it just for kicks!
from an AP perspective, i think we neglect ourselves because we were never taught to come first - everyone else does. The most extreme form of it for me was to put someone else before my career e.g., not taking a job somewhere because of my mum, choosing a particular program that was not so good for me because i wanted to stay with my partner (who then left to do his program elsewhere) etc etc. if i went to make myself look good e.g., do my nails, it was because I would look good to other people (also to myself, but that's more secondary). it was always more of what does everyone else want, and not so much what I want.
i hope this conversation helps others take note of what they need to nourish and find ways to do so well!
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 22, 2019 9:17:06 GMT
@shiningstar I LOVE yin yoga!
I was a carer for my mother while she struggled with mental health. In all of my relationships I've taken on my partners interests to the point I don't know what I like, so one thing I'm trying to do is stop and take note when I'm enjoying something and add it to the things I know I love.
I caught myself thinking about what my ex thinks of me, my personality, who I am today and reminded myself to not focus on that and focus on who I think I am..
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 22, 2019 11:28:47 GMT
I just want to come hug some of you for such painful childhoods. Mine was not roses as I have some avoidance in my attachment but I dont have such struggles with relations. Hugs everyone! |
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 22, 2019 11:32:51 GMT
I just hope when I have children I'm able to raise them to be secure.
My mother was also a carer. It's a cycle.
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