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Post by tnr9 on Aug 21, 2019 14:19:52 GMT
So...as I have been moving forward....I am finding it a bit challenging to get the focus back on me....I did take a rather big step however with getting back on track with vitamins. I was having severe brain fog and realized I was not taking my vitamin d....I feel a whole lot better. I find time to myself without thinking about B is a bit “scary”....not focusing on another ie a guy is not something I am used to so charting these waters is going to take some time. I want to address all the health stuff I have been putting off...along with getting other aspects in my life in order. I find myself wanting to distract myself through Netflix....not 100% sure why....but am going to sit with myself on that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 15:10:34 GMT
Maybe you could make a list of goals and once actioned, tick them off as you go.
Happy to hear that you are focusing on putting yourself first and moving on.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 21, 2019 15:22:45 GMT
Maybe you could make a list of goals and once actioned, tick them off as you go. Happy to hear that you are focusing on putting yourself first and moving on. I am a “moving away from” person versus a “moving towards” person....so goals tend not to work with me. Moving away from me and I know what I don’t want...and work to avoid those...but I don’t tend to work towards things. 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 15:40:41 GMT
Whatever works for you. I wish you well with it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 16:00:47 GMT
Maybe you could make a list of goals and once actioned, tick them off as you go. Happy to hear that you are focusing on putting yourself first and moving on. I am a “moving away from” person versus a “moving towards” person....so goals tend not to work with me. Moving away from me and I know what I don’t want...and work to avoid those...but I don’t tend to work towards things. 🙂 So did you move away from not taking vitamins, rather than move toward taking vitamins? Also, will you move away from not taking care of your health instead of move towards taking care of yourself? Semantics- and contrariness, seem to be at play here. Do you not see that your first post lists a couple of goals? This is like denying that you make a goal of eating when you move away from being hungry. It's fascinating but also, not something I have encountered before.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 21, 2019 16:45:14 GMT
I am a “moving away from” person versus a “moving towards” person....so goals tend not to work with me. Moving away from me and I know what I don’t want...and work to avoid those...but I don’t tend to work towards things. 🙂 So did you move away from not taking vitamins, rather than move toward taking vitamins? Also, will you move away from not taking care of your health instead of move towards taking care of yourself? Semantics- and contrariness, seem to be at play here. Do you not see that your first post lists a couple of goals? This is like denying that you make a goal of eating when you move away from being hungry. It's fascinating but also, not something I have encountered before. Good question...I was moving away from feeling brain fog and that led me back to vitamins.....I am still struggling with whether I will follow through on taking care of myself.... A better example is my brother always says he hates his job and he should get a different one...and he will talk about other careers he might want to do...but then there is no action behind it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2019 16:47:16 GMT
To each their own, best of luck whatever you decide.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 21, 2019 18:37:02 GMT
I’m not surprised it’s challenging. The finding yourself always seems to me a myth - since it’s really more a case if losing the stories, the definitions we’ve given ourselves. “I don’t do goals” “I’m too sensitive” “ my dad left and it made me......” can you see that these are limiting beliefs that are keeping you tied in a small world.
So forgetting goals - have you thought about your values? The underpinnings of life that you feel are important- that you ASPIRE to.?
I would suggest this is a chance to unstick yourself by really looking at this and NOT allowing your life to be directed by your thoughts and emotions- it doesn’t mean you won’t experience them but focusing on values and then acting in tiny ways towards them is the way through. Listening to thoughts and believing them will keep you trapped. Maybe trapped feels safe. But you do have a choice.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 21, 2019 18:52:33 GMT
Maybe you could make a list of goals and once actioned, tick them off as you go. Happy to hear that you are focusing on putting yourself first and moving on. I am a “moving away from” person versus a “moving towards” person....so goals tend not to work with me. Moving away from me and I know what I don’t want...and work to avoid those...but I don’t tend to work towards things. 🙂 [br Nobody is a moving away from or a moving towards person. I don’t think the constant defining of yourself is helpful. It feels to me as though s great deal of this is keeping you closed to the future in a tight box. Don’t believe your thoughts- and certainly don’t let them control your future.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 21, 2019 20:14:06 GMT
I am a “moving away from” person versus a “moving towards” person....so goals tend not to work with me. Moving away from me and I know what I don’t want...and work to avoid those...but I don’t tend to work towards things. 🙂 [br Nobody is a moving away from or a moving towards person. I don’t think the constant defining of yourself is helpful. It feels to me as though s great deal of this is keeping you closed to the future in a tight box. Don’t believe your thoughts- and certainly don’t let them control your future. My therapist told me that....I have been told so many things that I don’t know how to be without labels. I have been assessed, labeled since I was a kid...they are all that I know. You are not the first person to say stop with the labels...but I don’t know how to. I really, really don’t.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 21, 2019 21:14:36 GMT
If it was as simple as I am about to try to make it then perhaps we wouldn't need to be posting here - but I like simple and sometimes life is made overcomplicated by our layers of analysis. So here goes. The labels don't serve you - they are all you know, but they are not you - they are how other people have defined you and in turn you have used them and continue to do so to define yourself. They won't go away - and the thoughts will keep coming because these are the pathways that are strong with use. BUT you have a choice to recognise, allow without getting caught in their truth and let go. So Ah ha - there's a labelling thought watch it without believing in it or denying it and then in the pause, you get to choose how to react - and it will be these reactions, they minute behaviours that shape your future regardless of what you think/ believe/ your past etc So - recognising is the first step - a ha a label, a limiting thought Allowing is step two - allow but don't follow down rabbit hole, Then in that pause choosing your reaction based on your values - what you want for you life in the future, what REALLY matters to you. These are not the same as goals which you will pass on fail on, they are life shaping behaviours in an ongoing way. For example perhaps Cultivating meaningful friendships Volunteering Helping others Spending time in nature Lifelong learning Travel Or none of these and a whole lot of other things - maybe really spend a long time looking at what your values are - and then concentrating on a few and starting to align your actions to your values rather than believing your thoughts and letting them control your future. I think this could be a really really exciting time for you - and how about setting up the tnr9 project? This is your time - your future - you only have one precious life. As soon as stories from the past come up, the I can't , the analysing, the I wish I wasn't stories - just let them be and recognise that they are not real - and not only that, they are not helpful at this moment in time. It will leave you with a void I should think - and this might be uncomfortable -but it might also bit by bit bring a tiny bit of peace - and peace breeds more peace. Good Luck
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Post by omega14 on Aug 22, 2019 0:01:27 GMT
I think you are very strong and brave in the way you lay it all out without fear of judgement. Even if it’s there, it’s not enough to deter from posting your very private thoughts. That really brave!
Netflix - when it gets to that point for me - is a signal I’m a bit depressed and am trying to distract myself so I don’t have to deal with my emotions. I let it roll out. Usually it’s about a month for me. Not to say that I’m suggesting that’s a measurement of anything but just that’s my pattern.
I tend to lean towards ‘habit’ which some others have stated as the problem that typically needs to be addressed when I’m in a similar situation. When you’ve been thinking about someone for years pathologically... it’s hardwired. You have to create new neuropathways and let them eat up the energy. Hobbies, work, arts, writing, cooking, music - I definitely find results when I pick up something new to learn as the learning curve requires my attention and that means I spend less time obsessing. Again this is a process and by no means a quick solution. Another trick I use is I face myself in the mirror. I tell my reflection words of affirmation and give permission to veg out on the couch and watch Netflix and ruminate.
I’m a secure btw and I can 100% relate and the bottom line is you gotta get to the core of why you don’t have your own back. You clearly have power (gf or no gf he’s still hanging around you as well!) but now it’s time to use it for yourself. To nourish and eliminate any self doubts on whether you got this or not. You have courage and empathy and awareness. One step at a time - you got this.
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Post by serenity on Aug 22, 2019 2:22:27 GMT
((Hugs)) Tnr9, Its going to be rough for just a little bit, but you'll start to improve within a month, and dramatically within 3 months (with good self care) .Trauma bonds are hard work to undo....part of what you're fighting is cognitive dissonance, and part is your neurochemistry. The brain fog is a normal reaction to trauma bonding. Heres some info about what your neurotransmitters are doing right now: www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims How to Help the BrainOne of many ways victims can help their brain break a trauma bond is by facilitating the release of calming oxytocin (from the amygdala). Igniting oxytocin receptors of this type can reduce cravings, ease withdrawal, and lessen pain.
How is this done? With good, quality social contact — connection.
(The connection cannot be with the toxic partner, or else the bond will be deepened — with them. This is one of the reasons that I feel the 'no-contact' approach is often so helpful. The brain does not have the chance to automatically release attachment chemistry in response to the partner — particularly if he is demonstrating good behavior.)
Sadly, many people who are with toxic, controlling, or personality disordered partners (e.g., narcissists, psychopaths) are isolated. Many abusers chase away one of the most important resources a victim has: people.''
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 22, 2019 11:24:02 GMT
((Hugs)) Tnr9, Its going to be rough for just a little bit, but you'll start to improve within a month, and dramatically within 3 months (with good self care) .Trauma bonds are hard work to undo....part of what you're fighting is cognitive dissonance, and part is your neurochemistry. The brain fog is a normal reaction to trauma bonding. Heres some info about what your neurotransmitters are doing right now: www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims How to Help the BrainOne of many ways victims can help their brain break a trauma bond is by facilitating the release of calming oxytocin (from the amygdala). Igniting oxytocin receptors of this type can reduce cravings, ease withdrawal, and lessen pain.
How is this done? With good, quality social contact — connection.
(The connection cannot be with the toxic partner, or else the bond will be deepened — with them. This is one of the reasons that I feel the 'no-contact' approach is often so helpful. The brain does not have the chance to automatically release attachment chemistry in response to the partner — particularly if he is demonstrating good behavior.)
Sadly, many people who are with toxic, controlling, or personality disordered partners (e.g., narcissists, psychopaths) are isolated. Many abusers chase away one of the most important resources a victim has: people.'' Hey serenity...it isn’t trauma bonding....I know exactly what that is because that is what happened in my last relationship with a narcissist. B never mistreated me. This is simply me dealing with the reality of no longer having hope for the relationship.
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 22, 2019 11:30:10 GMT
Good for you, You Can get to the others side of this.
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