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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 22, 2019 19:55:54 GMT
Went to snoop at both his and his current girlfriends Facebook profile before I deleted and blocked. So so stupid. She had posted a picture.... they looked genuinely happy. The man who maintained for two years with me that he had an aversion to relationships and affection was tenderly kissing the top of her head and they were clearly in a public venue.
Oh boy it dropped me to my knees. All I can think is if I would have been younger or skinnier or funnier or ANYTHING more than myself he would have been the same to me. He only ever held my hand twice in public and only kissed me in private. In pictures I am always the one showing him affection and he looks uncomfortable. He never looked that relaxed and smitten.
Yalllllllllll💔💔💔
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Post by alexandra on Aug 22, 2019 20:18:03 GMT
kisstheviolets, I have an FA ex who downgraded me to a friend after a few months of dating. People thought we still seemed like we were in a relationship for another year, but he wouldn't commit. He met a woman some time later and got serious with her quickly. If you look at social media, they look happy. They've been together for years. They have a child. We're still friends. He never worked on his issues so his FA is still just as present as ever. He's not happy, he doesn't speak well of the situation, and he doesn't treat her in a way that sounds happy. He's just resigned to sticking around. You have no idea what's really going -- what's more, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. He has problems. She probably does, too. They'll come out eventually in the relationship, even if it's not publicly visible. Even if it doesn't, you deserve better than someone who wouldn't properly invest in you. If you want PDA and affection, and security in your romantic relationship, find someone who will give it to you, not excuses. You're checking on them because you're insecure. The way to handle that is focus on your own things. Build yourself and your self-esteem up. There's better relationships for you out there which you can find after you improve your relationship with yourself. Most importantly, you can re-wire your negative narrative and thought patterns of self-blame to tell yourself this stuff. You don't need to rely on us to tell you. It's a step towards secure to start practicing doing so as part of self-care.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 22, 2019 20:22:02 GMT
Yes!!! Thank you! I need to hear all these things and shift my damn focus back❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for responding with sound advice and wisdom!
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Post by mrob on Aug 22, 2019 22:44:39 GMT
A suggestion.... this is about your reaction to an FA as an AP. If you’re after support, there’s a part of the forum specifically for that. Posting this here shows you’re still outwardly focussed rather than committed to changing the one thing you can, you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 23:59:25 GMT
Unfortunately, there is no real way to feel better about this. There are a number of things that anyone could say here to ease the sting, but the stinger will remain until you remove it yourself. The stinger, is anxious preoccupation, actually , and it's attendant narrative and associated emotional states. This narrative of yours is the stinger. This idea that you are somehow deficient and must twist yourself into a lesser or greater version of the authentic you is what kept you with someone who did not really love you. The reality is NOT that you are unlovable, and the problem is not that you are unlovable. The problem is that you believe you are unlovable, and therefore maintained a long relationship that reflected that. So we can tell you any number of things to talk you down but it won't work. That's good news and bad news. The good news is, you can address your faulty beliefs by taking your focus off of what this man is doing and applying yourself to changing of your thoughts and behaviors- you can actually heal the wound that is at the heart of your suffering. The bad news is, that it typically takes excruciating pain for any of us to stop poking ourselves in the eye like you did here. I am not insensitive to your pain, or your inexplicable compulsion to poke yourself in the eye. I'm just saying that any pain relief you get from anyone talking about him and what he's doing or not doing is going to be temporary- and misleading. The lasting pain relief will come from you working hard on addressing your own part in this- not blaming yourself, but really getting to the heart of your insecurity. You know this now- stalking him will cause you agony. You will have to feel that consequence, unfortunately. It sucks! But when you become more secure you won't be clinging on to someone that you've been in a toxic relationship with- you'll be having better outcomes. You'll stop drinking poison. There is a lot of information available about how to do that, and you've simple got to do it because until you do you will hurt over and over again, tortured by your own narrative and pattern. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad there is a way out. Take it from people like alexandra who got to the other side of the AP agony. Best to you, you've really been through a lot with this guy and hopefully you can break the cycle! That's what most of us here are trying to do. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 23, 2019 3:14:49 GMT
A suggestion.... this is about your reaction to an FA as an AP. If you’re after support, there’s a part of the forum specifically for that. Posting this here shows you’re still outwardly focussed rather than committed to changing the one thing you can, you. Oooops makes sense. I just went here since I am FA!!! Thank you! |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Aug 23, 2019 3:17:29 GMT
Unfortunately, there is no real way to feel better about this. There are a number of things that anyone could say here to ease the sting, but the stinger will remain until you remove it yourself. The stinger, is anxious preoccupation, actually , and it's attendant narrative and associated emotional states. This narrative of yours is the stinger. This idea that you are somehow deficient and must twist yourself into a lesser or greater version of the authentic you is what kept you with someone who did not really love you. The reality is NOT that you are unlovable, and the problem is not that you are unlovable. The problem is that you believe you are unlovable, and therefore maintained a long relationship that reflected that. So we can tell you any number of things to talk you down but it won't work. That's good news and bad news. The good news is, you can address your faulty beliefs by taking your focus off of what this man is doing and applying yourself to changing of your thoughts and behaviors- you can actually heal the wound that is at the heart of your suffering. The bad news is, that it typically takes excruciating pain for any of us to stop poking ourselves in the eye like you did here. I am not insensitive to your pain, or your inexplicable compulsion to poke yourself in the eye. I'm just saying that any pain relief you get from anyone talking about him and what he's doing or not doing is going to be temporary- and misleading. The lasting pain relief will come from you working hard on addressing your own part in this- not blaming yourself, but really getting to the heart of your insecurity. You know this now- stalking him will cause you agony. You will have to feel that consequence, unfortunately. It sucks! But when you become more secure you won't be clinging on to someone that you've been in a toxic relationship with- you'll be having better outcomes. You'll stop drinking poison. There is a lot of information available about how to do that, and you've simple got to do it because until you do you will hurt over and over again, tortured by your own narrative and pattern. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad there is a way out. Take it from people like alexandra who got to the other side of the AP agony. Best to you, you've really been through a lot with this guy and hopefully you can break the cycle! That's what most of us here are trying to do. [ No I love it. I need real talk to snap back into focus! The most painful truth is believing that I’m not lovable. To see it written. I’m gonna screen shot this and keep it for motivation❤️ . |
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Post by serenity on Aug 23, 2019 5:01:09 GMT
Hi Violets! <3 Ugg, I really feel for you, Hon. Social media makes this painful behaviour so much easier doesn't it? And it hurts so very, very much (Hugs) . Whilst I 100% agree with working on regaining your sense of security, its a process not an event, and this behaviour is harming you in the mean time (as you know)
Personally I think it was a good idea to seek out support for when you slip up, its known to be a very good technique for `pattern interrupt' . Pattern interrupt can be achieved in a bunch of ways (worth googling that one) ; some methodologies for combating online addictions such as gambling and pornography recommend finding an `accountability partner' (which is sort of what you're doing here). If the behaviour is causing a great deal of suffering and debt, some will use website blocking software and give the passwords to their accountability partner. I doubt that its based on a personality flaw, but rather its more basic human pavlovian behaviour. He used to give you love and joy for a very long time, you're looking for signs that it may return (and not finding them, causing pain) . Like the starving rats who get used to finding food in one place, and continuing to check that place long after the food is gone. Perhaps a helpful reminder could be along the lines of "the bowl is empty and there is other food "? Please feel welcome to message any time you feel. Much love!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2019 12:32:26 GMT
I would advise you to re-read your previous thread and store all those helpful replies on your device. Keep reflecting over it to motivate you.
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