Post by jules on Aug 25, 2019 13:23:27 GMT
Month 10.
We spent the entire day running errands in his neighborhood. I don't spend a lot of time by his place to be honest. I have been there a handful of times but date 2 was there. My child once.
Lunch, come back to my place. My parents are in town and he agreed (after mulling it over from 8 am until about noon) to meet them for the first time. My brothers surprisingly joined. He says when learning my brothers are coming "oh I'm really going to be overwhelmed" I tell him he's going to be great. Remind him that hes met others families before and he was great. Albeit it a tad socially awkward as that's how he is. But sweet and smart and very forthcoming with his upbringing, being from a different state, growing up in the country. Also that he's never been married and never will be! We all laughed but it was very telling. He invited them to ask him anything. (He stated later on tgat he thought they liked him.) Even how his mother would like for him to marry and have more children but that is not happening. Fine by me as I am right there with him. For different reasons, but I'm one and done with regard to both marriage and babies. My daughter is in High School. There is no improvement on that child! She is innately tender and loving and full of grace and poise. I am honored to be her Mama. Anywhooo...We are good there.
So he asks my parents what I have told them about him...my Dad shakes his head and says nothing. My brother chimes in about how I am private, and I am. My brother however knows alllll about him and his attachment. My friend seemed kind of hurt. But he let it go. I thought he'd be pleased. We agree to take things slow. And we have, clearly. I find it to be healthy and refreshing with some blips. I think since I understand his attachment more now I have a lot more understanding. Rome was not built in a day. I told him that the relationship with my parents is pragmatic. We have enough to discuss with regards to my ex husband and custody and litigation (oh my word, so much litigation) my career, my recent move. That we don't really discuss my love life.
So that is what transpired. I have plans to see him tonight and sleep at his home for the first time. After this I am sure he'll continue to text daily, check in but I anticipate he's gonna need some space. I will too. Get back to my routine. We generally see each other once every ten days or so recently. And there is occasionally drama because he flakes with out communication. I really have no issue if he has to cancel certainly if his child is involved, which happens in life and is never an issue. I would not tolerate the reverse even one time. Unnatural. OR if he just wanted to do his thing. He just fails to articulate it by proper, common communication. He frequently assumes I am going to react like women from his past. I have now twice told him to please stop confusing me with those girls. I do not treat him as if he would do anything in any facet like anyone who came before him and I require the same treatment.
I told him last night that he did great and I really see a lot of strides since the fall, which I appreciate. He thanked me periodically through out the day for it being such a nice day together. I swear sometimes it's like hes astonished that he is enjoying himself. He has always done this. Remarked and thanked me throughout the time we spend together. It's these things that are so uniquely him that touch me. He is so sweet. We laugh like morons together too. Major plus in my book.
I told him that I rather enjoy the space we have as well as the time spent together. I did say that perhaps I could go for less time than he, but I don't hate it.
So onto the sex. Be warned; tad graphic. When I arrived yesterday morning we chatted for a bit and then bam one thing lead to another. Sex at the kitchen sink. Anal. Always anal. I dont understand why. I like it, rest assured (the couple of people I have ran this by asked if I enjoy that. Ofcourse I do. I would never do something I do not feel completely comfortable with just to appease someone that way) Vaginal sex tends to make him come too quickly. And he is obsessed with anal. In fact he has a toy he uses on himself. Not with me. And I do not believe he is interested in being pegged. I think it's something he does in allll his alone time. Of which he does much other things. He has all sorts of hobbies and he is to some extent touched with OCD and cleanliness. Germphobe like me (we have a lot in common in these ways)
We had "top 2" sex per him in the afternoon in my apartment. Also anal. This time facing eachother. He doesn't so much pull my hair as he holds my hair keeping my face so close to his. He actually licked my closed eyes. I don't even know, lol. He's like an animal sometimes, but I'm good with it. The sex is incredible and we discuss this frequently. He's just unlike any man I have ever been with in any way. He remarked on how intimate it was as I am scurrying around picking up articles of clothing heading to the bathroom. This is ay realization...always, even at his house that morning, the minute it is over I am out of the bed. With every man I have ever been with. I'm picking up clothes, going to the bathroom. Making coffee. Taking a shower. Smoking a cigarette. I am not laying there looking for snuggles. I am unsure why. Some have kind of expressed a "where are you running to??" in hindsight...but I guess I just realized this about me. Anyone know what to make of it?
*trigger
I have a history of sexual abuse. 3 abusers. The first being female. (I am also female, to reiterate) I was very young 4 or 5. She involved her son. This profoundly affected my attachment/bonding with women through out my life. I think most damaging of the sexual abuses I experienced. Thankfully I was in therapy (when my parents divorced in the early 80s it was mandated by court that I went) I went from ages 4 to 12, 16 to 20. And again from 29 to 36. Back again recently. I have healed from multiple traumas and have even worked as an advocate for women and children in various communities. So you know, I feel confident I am not only a survivor, but a thriver. I have done a lot of work and different therapies. Art, music, CB, EMDR. I studied sand tray. Countless books, texts, Google searches. But this discovery of literally getting away the minute sex is over is puzzling me. Seems avoidant.
I test secure. I've taken several tests, one to include various relationships. I test anxious with regard to this relationship I am in presently. And mostly secure but edging towards avoidant with regard to my mother. (Which was a complex relationship that has gotten to be great, long story, but let's say I identify with a non smushy, huggy, warm squish of a mother, I was a "problem" child in comparison to siblings and very much considered the "baby" who got smothered in directives. I was "too sensitive" at times with "insensitive" people who I now know did the best they could with their limited capacity. I am secure with friends. And secure with a slight edge toward preoccupied/ anxious in "general" but all boxes are secure. Except for this relationship with the aboidant (that seems to be common theme, this combo can make a secure anxious, which he has at times, certainly.
So any thoughts would be appreciated.
I guess my attitude here upon initial thought was no one has really ever seemed to have a real issue with it and if they did they'd have to accept thats how I am! Pretty ignorant and hypocritical. On second thought I checked myself (constant need to do this, am aware, and I do it all day, bc honestly my first thougts are frequently stupid! Lol) is how can I be looking at him to be introspective and work on him if I'm not looking at this? I cannot. If it does not bother anyone is it a problem though? Is it a problem I guess is what I am asking. Any ideas on the root cause? I sway toward the sexual abuse and it kinda bursting my I'm "healed". Are we ever completely? Why did this not occur to me before? Some kind of subconcious avoidance of intimacy?
I shared these thoughts with him as well.
I also told him that I think we have something to learn from each other. He wanted to know what he was teaching me? I said patience.
Thank you for "listening"
Have a really good day.
Jules
We spent the entire day running errands in his neighborhood. I don't spend a lot of time by his place to be honest. I have been there a handful of times but date 2 was there. My child once.
Lunch, come back to my place. My parents are in town and he agreed (after mulling it over from 8 am until about noon) to meet them for the first time. My brothers surprisingly joined. He says when learning my brothers are coming "oh I'm really going to be overwhelmed" I tell him he's going to be great. Remind him that hes met others families before and he was great. Albeit it a tad socially awkward as that's how he is. But sweet and smart and very forthcoming with his upbringing, being from a different state, growing up in the country. Also that he's never been married and never will be! We all laughed but it was very telling. He invited them to ask him anything. (He stated later on tgat he thought they liked him.) Even how his mother would like for him to marry and have more children but that is not happening. Fine by me as I am right there with him. For different reasons, but I'm one and done with regard to both marriage and babies. My daughter is in High School. There is no improvement on that child! She is innately tender and loving and full of grace and poise. I am honored to be her Mama. Anywhooo...We are good there.
So he asks my parents what I have told them about him...my Dad shakes his head and says nothing. My brother chimes in about how I am private, and I am. My brother however knows alllll about him and his attachment. My friend seemed kind of hurt. But he let it go. I thought he'd be pleased. We agree to take things slow. And we have, clearly. I find it to be healthy and refreshing with some blips. I think since I understand his attachment more now I have a lot more understanding. Rome was not built in a day. I told him that the relationship with my parents is pragmatic. We have enough to discuss with regards to my ex husband and custody and litigation (oh my word, so much litigation) my career, my recent move. That we don't really discuss my love life.
So that is what transpired. I have plans to see him tonight and sleep at his home for the first time. After this I am sure he'll continue to text daily, check in but I anticipate he's gonna need some space. I will too. Get back to my routine. We generally see each other once every ten days or so recently. And there is occasionally drama because he flakes with out communication. I really have no issue if he has to cancel certainly if his child is involved, which happens in life and is never an issue. I would not tolerate the reverse even one time. Unnatural. OR if he just wanted to do his thing. He just fails to articulate it by proper, common communication. He frequently assumes I am going to react like women from his past. I have now twice told him to please stop confusing me with those girls. I do not treat him as if he would do anything in any facet like anyone who came before him and I require the same treatment.
I told him last night that he did great and I really see a lot of strides since the fall, which I appreciate. He thanked me periodically through out the day for it being such a nice day together. I swear sometimes it's like hes astonished that he is enjoying himself. He has always done this. Remarked and thanked me throughout the time we spend together. It's these things that are so uniquely him that touch me. He is so sweet. We laugh like morons together too. Major plus in my book.
I told him that I rather enjoy the space we have as well as the time spent together. I did say that perhaps I could go for less time than he, but I don't hate it.
So onto the sex. Be warned; tad graphic. When I arrived yesterday morning we chatted for a bit and then bam one thing lead to another. Sex at the kitchen sink. Anal. Always anal. I dont understand why. I like it, rest assured (the couple of people I have ran this by asked if I enjoy that. Ofcourse I do. I would never do something I do not feel completely comfortable with just to appease someone that way) Vaginal sex tends to make him come too quickly. And he is obsessed with anal. In fact he has a toy he uses on himself. Not with me. And I do not believe he is interested in being pegged. I think it's something he does in allll his alone time. Of which he does much other things. He has all sorts of hobbies and he is to some extent touched with OCD and cleanliness. Germphobe like me (we have a lot in common in these ways)
We had "top 2" sex per him in the afternoon in my apartment. Also anal. This time facing eachother. He doesn't so much pull my hair as he holds my hair keeping my face so close to his. He actually licked my closed eyes. I don't even know, lol. He's like an animal sometimes, but I'm good with it. The sex is incredible and we discuss this frequently. He's just unlike any man I have ever been with in any way. He remarked on how intimate it was as I am scurrying around picking up articles of clothing heading to the bathroom. This is ay realization...always, even at his house that morning, the minute it is over I am out of the bed. With every man I have ever been with. I'm picking up clothes, going to the bathroom. Making coffee. Taking a shower. Smoking a cigarette. I am not laying there looking for snuggles. I am unsure why. Some have kind of expressed a "where are you running to??" in hindsight...but I guess I just realized this about me. Anyone know what to make of it?
*trigger
I have a history of sexual abuse. 3 abusers. The first being female. (I am also female, to reiterate) I was very young 4 or 5. She involved her son. This profoundly affected my attachment/bonding with women through out my life. I think most damaging of the sexual abuses I experienced. Thankfully I was in therapy (when my parents divorced in the early 80s it was mandated by court that I went) I went from ages 4 to 12, 16 to 20. And again from 29 to 36. Back again recently. I have healed from multiple traumas and have even worked as an advocate for women and children in various communities. So you know, I feel confident I am not only a survivor, but a thriver. I have done a lot of work and different therapies. Art, music, CB, EMDR. I studied sand tray. Countless books, texts, Google searches. But this discovery of literally getting away the minute sex is over is puzzling me. Seems avoidant.
I test secure. I've taken several tests, one to include various relationships. I test anxious with regard to this relationship I am in presently. And mostly secure but edging towards avoidant with regard to my mother. (Which was a complex relationship that has gotten to be great, long story, but let's say I identify with a non smushy, huggy, warm squish of a mother, I was a "problem" child in comparison to siblings and very much considered the "baby" who got smothered in directives. I was "too sensitive" at times with "insensitive" people who I now know did the best they could with their limited capacity. I am secure with friends. And secure with a slight edge toward preoccupied/ anxious in "general" but all boxes are secure. Except for this relationship with the aboidant (that seems to be common theme, this combo can make a secure anxious, which he has at times, certainly.
So any thoughts would be appreciated.
I guess my attitude here upon initial thought was no one has really ever seemed to have a real issue with it and if they did they'd have to accept thats how I am! Pretty ignorant and hypocritical. On second thought I checked myself (constant need to do this, am aware, and I do it all day, bc honestly my first thougts are frequently stupid! Lol) is how can I be looking at him to be introspective and work on him if I'm not looking at this? I cannot. If it does not bother anyone is it a problem though? Is it a problem I guess is what I am asking. Any ideas on the root cause? I sway toward the sexual abuse and it kinda bursting my I'm "healed". Are we ever completely? Why did this not occur to me before? Some kind of subconcious avoidance of intimacy?
I shared these thoughts with him as well.
I also told him that I think we have something to learn from each other. He wanted to know what he was teaching me? I said patience.
Thank you for "listening"
Have a really good day.
Jules