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Post by stu on Aug 30, 2019 0:12:02 GMT
I made a previous post on this forum before about a fearful avoidant I had been seeing since some time ago. It was a long winded post describing the entire background of meeting each other and the time together. Moving on from that I had in the last 3 months reconnected with that girl and we had a serious talk about different things, and cleared the air on a lot of issues that happened before. After that talk we had we started dating and hanging out consistently for the first time since I had ever met her. Out of nowhere it felt like the avoidant side of herself was barely there, or at least it was very minimal. To the point it felt like it was hard to believe she was the same person as before. I had worked very hard on myself and learned a lot about avoidant attachment and fearful avoidants. As well as how to communicate and support someone with those challenges.
I felt maybe a big part of the change between us was my new attitude and understanding, along with an honest effort to work on herself as well. She is actively seeking therapy for things as well. However this last week and a half she took a sudden turn to avoidance again out of nowhere, we were talking pretty much every day, and seeing each other on a consistent basis a few times a week. And every time we did talk or saw each other I always made sure to give her plenty of space, and not do anything triggering, so that we could work on ourselves together and with that things were smooth sailing for a few months straight. After we had spent some nights together and had sex over two weeks ago I could tell she was starting to space herself more as we were getting very close and I could feel her attachment really growing. Knowing what was going on with this I gave her plenty of space to have those feelings worked out.
The following Wednesday we had seen each other for a few hours and at that point I could tell she was starting to shut down and barely spoke to me and was extremely guarded. I let things be and didn't ask about it and kissed her good night and just gave her space for an entire week, she had reached out a couple times over text but stopped asking to hang out and was generally a lot more closed off. This I had expected and did not resist. However we saw each other again last night and she was completely stiff and treated me like a stranger. Which was also confusing and very noticeable to mutual friends of ours who were there with us, and asking me if something happened between us. Because at this point most people we know were assuming we were in a relationship or at least close to it.
Toward the end of the night before I was going to head out I asked her if we could talk for a minute and she reluctantly agreed after I had told her it was important and would only take a minute. Mid conversation she told me she doesn't want to talk about anything and disregarded me and just walked away. This made me really upset and frustrated so I decided to tell her goodnight and left. When I got home and cooled off I decided to just write her an email about how I felt and what was going on for me, and just wanting to know how she felt as well, so that there would not have to be any confusion about anything going on between us. I wrote what I wanted to say and ask as gently and nicely as possible, with a neutral way of talking so that it would not be triggering.
I have however not heard back from her all day, and perhaps she will respond in a couple days or so. But in the past each time this happens it is because she ignores it and does anything possible to avoid talking about it at all. At this point I am just very confused. As I am sacrificing a lot and putting myself through a lot to try things out with her, and she knew and recognized that. And verbalized that to me before, sometimes I am not sure if it is worth it at all. But I see the person this girl is at her core, and that although she is having these attachment struggles she is everything I am looking for to be with someone. And we have such a great time and strong connection that I don't want any attachment issues or anything else have to get in the way of a really great thing. I am nervous about getting hurt again like before at this point. But I wanted to post here to ask if this is something that happens for someone who is actively trying to work on their attachment challenges.
I have found at this point I can easily give her space to work through her triggers, but sometimes its hard to tell what is someone actively being selfish and consciously pushing you away. Vs being triggered and overwhelmed or shut down, I can accept that her and I are wired differently and she has had these challenges her whole life so it will not disappear over night. But not being able to communicate about important things makes it very difficult to know what is going on, and makes me feel like I am un important and not truly cared about. I want to be there and want to work things out with her, but I don't know what to do. So I wanted to post this here to have other people's opinion, especially anyone that is avoidant , or fearful avoidant and how they would think this situation would best be handled. Thanks, just a really hard spot to be in.
Edit** I understand this post was mainly about her and not myself, so I wanted to add I have my own issues that I have been actively working on that as well. And take full responsibility for that and not blaming the other person, I am not a victim or the like. But at this point I feel confident that anything I can do that was unhealthy or adding fuel to a fire I have completely stopped and addressed, due to my own hard work and understanding of what is helpful vs not. I am choosing to stay in trying to work things out with this person because I see a lot of value in what we do have together, and from my understanding a secure can help an avoidant to risk intimacy more and move them more to being secure themselves. And I would really love to make this person happy and support them to being very secure themselves and feeling really good.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 30, 2019 0:35:57 GMT
At this point I am just very confused. As I am sacrificing a lot and putting myself through a lot to try things out with her, and she knew and recognized that. This piece is very telling. Why are you trying to be in a relationship that seems like a "sacrifice"? And while you don't state what you're sacrificing directly, it sounds like you feel like you are sacrificing yourself and your own needs. Even if you're referring to something else, a relationship should be adding to your life, not feeling full of strain and sacrifice. What do you want a romantic relationship to look like (not just with her, with anyone in general)? Do you know what she wants out of a relationship? Are those wants compatible? I once had an FA tell me he knew what he was giving up by being in a relationship, and that made me feel HORRIBLE. Like I was an imposition, and like he was not fully choosing to be with me as an equal partner. I stayed because I was AP and afraid to rock the boat at the time, which wasn't healthy. You said she acknowledged your sacrifices. Which suggests you've told her that you feel that way, which positions this relationship as an uneven power struggle and doesn't indicate that the patience and space you're giving her are out of acceptance and empathy. To me, that sounds like fear of losing her again. You may be more secure than last time, but her avoidance is triggering you, and you sound like you want control back because you don't want to hurt like you did last time. But you can't rush where she is in her healing process. You're going to need to take a big step back here to focus on your own side of your attachment issues and healing process if you want this to have a chance. Not focusing on her, not giving her space because you think she needs it (which is still you trying to influence and control the situation), but really deciding if you're okay with how she is if nothing changes further. And not assuming things will change further just because you hope they will. I've been through this, and if you do your work and she hasn't finished hers, your cycles together will still repeat. You can't rush it, because you're both currently at where you're at. Ask yourself why you want someone who doesn't want to communicate with you about conflict? And if being with her is aggravating your own attachment style issues that you've been working hard to heal on your own? |
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Post by stu on Aug 30, 2019 0:51:48 GMT
At this point I am just very confused. As I am sacrificing a lot and putting myself through a lot to try things out with her, and she knew and recognized that. This piece is very telling. Why are you trying to be in a relationship that seems like a "sacrifice"? And while you don't state what you're sacrificing directly, it sounds like you feel like you are sacrificing yourself and your own needs. Even if you're referring to something else, a relationship should be adding to your life, not feeling full of strain and sacrifice. What do you want a romantic relationship to look like (not just with her, with anyone in general)? Do you know what she wants out of a relationship? Are those wants compatible? I once had an FA tell me he knew what he was giving up by being in a relationship, and that made me feel HORRIBLE. Like I was an imposition, and like he was not fully choosing to be with me as an equal partner. I stayed because I was AP and afraid to rock the boat at the time, which wasn't healthy. You said she acknowledged your sacrifices. Which suggests you've told her that you feel that way, which positions this relationship as an uneven power struggle and doesn't indicate that the patience and space you're giving her are out of acceptance and empathy. To me, that sounds like fear of losing her again. You may be more secure than last time, but her avoidance is triggering you, and you sound like you want control back because you don't want to hurt like you did last time. But you can't rush where she is in her healing process. You're going to need to take a big step back here to focus on your own side of your attachment issues and healing process if you want this to have a chance. Not focusing on her, not giving her space because you think she needs it (which is still you trying to influence and control the situation), but really deciding if you're okay with how she is if nothing changes further. And not assuming things will change further just because you hope they will. I've been through this, and if you do your work and she hasn't finished hers, your cycles together will still repeat. You can't rush it, because you're both currently at where you're at. Ask yourself why you want someone who doesn't want to communicate with you about conflict? And if being with her is aggravating your own attachment style issues that you've been working hard to heal on your own? You are right I am nervous about losing her and each time something comes up and things get rough and she goes silent it can feel like a break up. I never verbalized feeling I was sacrificing things for her, just that she acknowledged how her behavior was not cool to me at all before. And that I was always doing my best to handle things well. It is hard on me now because one of the times she deactivated before she started seeing another guy and lied to me about it to my face. And later told me after I told her I knew about it, which hurt like hell to find out about too. That she was trying to push her feelings for me away. And things not working out with him would hurt her way less, that it felt less real, etc. At that point we weren't in a relationship or anything but actively talking and still had things going on between us. And we were talking through some challenges too. She had told me three days prior that she was scared of being hurt and messing things up. And then saw this dude like two days after that. Which made me feel like I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. It broke my trust really badly and I felt like I was finally feeling like it was back again and things were in a really good place. And later on I planned to talk to her more about it rather then the short convo we had before. Because I was really worried about getting more attached and then having it happen again. When she deactivates now and takes a ton of space I really worry about it happening again and how much worse it will feel this time. Because I don't know if it's something she will feel she has to do to keep from getting attached or whatever the reason is people do that. That's a huge part of my anxiety now when it does come up. Everything else I can handle very well and am extremely patient about. Personally I don't understand how at this point she would even be interested in other people , and for myself I can't even really picture myself with anyone but her. That happened a while ago, but it still gets to me. I do really like her though and It tear me up really badly to have to break things off because of things that don't have to get in the way of something real and geniune. So even though it's hard I want to work through anything hard for me. And I want to be with her too. Ireached out to her to give her space to respond to see if we could work through conflict though. So if she doesn't respond to that it can't really work. Because you need to communicate things together. And not just after you do something really hurtful and feel badly. She may or may not respond to that though not sure yet what will happen. Thank you for your insights about controlling the situation and fear of getting hurt. I feel like her and I are doing similar things or having similar struggles on opposite ends of a spectrum. Avoidance vs Anxious. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 30, 2019 21:45:13 GMT
At this point I am just very confused. As I am sacrificing a lot and putting myself through a lot to try things out with her, and she knew and recognized that. This piece is very telling. Why are you trying to be in a relationship that seems like a "sacrifice"? And while you don't state what you're sacrificing directly, it sounds like you feel like you are sacrificing yourself and your own needs. Even if you're referring to something else, a relationship should be adding to your life, not feeling full of strain and sacrifice. What do you want a romantic relationship to look like (not just with her, with anyone in general)? Do you know what she wants out of a relationship? Are those wants compatible? I once had an FA tell me he knew what he was giving up by being in a relationship, and that made me feel HORRIBLE. Like I was an imposition, and like he was not fully choosing to be with me as an equal partner. I stayed because I was AP and afraid to rock the boat at the time, which wasn't healthy. You said she acknowledged your sacrifices. Which suggests you've told her that you feel that way, which positions this relationship as an uneven power struggle and doesn't indicate that the patience and space you're giving her are out of acceptance and empathy. To me, that sounds like fear of losing her again. You may be more secure than last time, but her avoidance is triggering you, and you sound like you want control back because you don't want to hurt like you did last time. But you can't rush where she is in her healing process. You're going to need to take a big step back here to focus on your own side of your attachment issues and healing process if you want this to have a chance. Not focusing on her, not giving her space because you think she needs it (which is still you trying to influence and control the situation), but really deciding if you're okay with how she is if nothing changes further. And not assuming things will change further just because you hope they will. I've been through this, and if you do your work and she hasn't finished hers, your cycles together will still repeat. You can't rush it, because you're both currently at where you're at. Ask yourself why you want someone who doesn't want to communicate with you about conflict? And if being with her is aggravating your own attachment style issues that you've been working hard to heal on your own? |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 30, 2019 21:54:03 GMT
alexandra I know you have a lot of insight, and I want to ask you where the line is between "sacrficing" is and "adjusting" is. I can understand why someone would want to go back to someone FA, because FA isn't the totality of who the person is. We see things other than the attachment issues that we love. So if someone like us who are towards earned secure able to adjust to the ones we love who are FA, isn't that what we are supposed to do? I mean, yes, I would RATHER be with someone who is secure and able to love me freely without issue, but if I in fact love a person who is FA and I am able to work with their attachment issues, isn't that something we should try to do? or should we assume that if the person is FA then it is just going to be a hopeless relationship? I ask because my FA ex contacted me recently. I was happy to hear from him but his message was very textbook FA; not taking any responsibility for his part of shutting down, yet expressing emotion about me that he didn't while we were together. I replied to his message and of course, he has not replied and he probably won't for a while because well, he's FA. So what do I do? Do I just walk away, or do I try to work with the knowledge I have and hope that my FA ex will not feel engulfed and want to continue? I don't feel like there's always one answer, and I don't feel like you can always know until you exhausted all possibilities (which I am not saying I want to do. I do not want to try again, and again, and again, just to end up with the same results, but perhaps I would like to try just ONE more time.) Thank you for your insight.
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Post by stu on Aug 30, 2019 23:15:15 GMT
alexandra I know you have a lot of insight, and I want to ask you where the line is between "sacrficing" is and "adjusting" is. I can understand why someone would want to go back to someone FA, because FA isn't the totality of who the person is. We see things other than the attachment issues that we love. So if someone like us who are towards earned secure able to adjust to the ones we love who are FA, isn't that what we are supposed to do? I mean, yes, I would RATHER be with someone who is secure and able to love me freely without issue, but if I in fact love a person who is FA and I am able to work with their attachment issues, isn't that something we should try to do? or should we assume that if the person is FA then it is just going to be a hopeless relationship? I ask because my FA ex contacted me recently. I was happy to hear from him but his message was very textbook FA; not taking any responsibility for his part of shutting down, yet expressing emotion about me that he didn't while we were together. I replied to his message and of course, he has not replied and he probably won't for a while because well, he's FA. So what do I do? Do I just walk away, or do I try to work with the knowledge I have and hope that my FA ex will not feel engulfed and want to continue? I don't feel like there's always one answer, and I don't feel like you can always know until you exhausted all possibilities (which I am not saying I want to do. I do not want to try again, and again, and again, just to end up with the same results, but perhaps I would like to try just ONE more time.) Thank you for your insight. Im not Alexandria but that is my challenge too, people are also more then their attachment systems of course. And you fall for the whole person but having attachment issues that prevent emotional availability and a reciprocal relationship is where the issue lies, in my experience and opinion. If someone is not actively working on themselves and taking responsibility for their behavior and you become the receiving end of their un met pain it can be really unpleasant and in the case of fearful avoidance make you feel a lack of security and connection in the relationship. In the case of any relationship it takes both people wanting and valuing the relationship enough to work through any challenges that come up which would take away from that. There is only so much one person can do, and it isn't fair to be trying to do all the work for someone who isn't fully showing up either. What I have done and what you mentioned is trying to work through things together because you see what is deeper in the relationship together. But even then if the other person runs away or keeps breaking up then there isn't any stability to have the foundation of a solid and consistent relationship. What I have come to the conclusion on is what you can be okay with vs not. Because you have to meet yourself and the other person where you are and respect your differences. but my hope like yours is that there is a mutual desire to grow and make ourselves better together. Because the care and love can hopefully heal all the old wounds and pain. But it takes a willingness from both for that to occur. Some people are ready, and some aren't there yet. You are dealing with an issue that can feel like life or death to that person after all. It's hard to override your own survival mechanism. In an ideal world it would be awesome if people could trust in their deeper connection together and heal themselves while having that support and nourishment. But it's a tough road to step into too. Since what some people do is what kept them feeling "safe" for so long and anything outside of that can feel like a threat to their entire being. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2019 6:01:42 GMT
alexandra I know you have a lot of insight, and I want to ask you where the line is between "sacrficing" is and "adjusting" is. I can understand why someone would want to go back to someone FA, because FA isn't the totality of who the person is. We see things other than the attachment issues that we love. So if someone like us who are towards earned secure able to adjust to the ones we love who are FA, isn't that what we are supposed to do? I mean, yes, I would RATHER be with someone who is secure and able to love me freely without issue, but if I in fact love a person who is FA and I am able to work with their attachment issues, isn't that something we should try to do? or should we assume that if the person is FA then it is just going to be a hopeless relationship? I ask because my FA ex contacted me recently. I was happy to hear from him but his message was very textbook FA; not taking any responsibility for his part of shutting down, yet expressing emotion about me that he didn't while we were together. I replied to his message and of course, he has not replied and he probably won't for a while because well, he's FA. So what do I do? Do I just walk away, or do I try to work with the knowledge I have and hope that my FA ex will not feel engulfed and want to continue? I don't feel like there's always one answer, and I don't feel like you can always know until you exhausted all possibilities (which I am not saying I want to do. I do not want to try again, and again, and again, just to end up with the same results, but perhaps I would like to try just ONE more time.) Thank you for your insight. A healthy relationship that has a real chance shouldn't feel like sacrificing your needs. It shouldn't feel like you're twisting in a pretzel. It shouldn't feel like longing. It's mutual acceptance, effort, respect, patience, and comfort. Truly, not just walking on eggshells to influence an outcome you want that depends on someone else's behavior. (Besides, would you want to be on the receiving end of someone else giving up parts of themselves for no other reason than to keep you from getting triggered and leaving? That would feel icky to me.)
If it feels like these things, then you're not secure enough yet to be in a healthy relationship with this person. Because once you are secure enough, your thought patterns change, you understand and honor yourself, you accept yourself, and you don't accept the stress of feeling like you have to support someone who can't support you. Being secure doesn't make you perfect, and doesn't make things not hurt, but it does give you boundaries and it stops you from abandoning yourself (either anxiously or avoidantly). It also allows you to prioritize yourself and make yourself the focal point of the conversation instead of obsessing about the partner and if they are ready or not. Doesn't matter, it just matters that you're treating them with love and respect while assessing if they can give you what you need, and then you make a choice to be with them or not (assuming they are amenable to your choice).
A previously insecurely attached ex who is ready, willing, and able will show up that way if they come back and the romantic aspect of the relationship is actually worth trying again because both sides have worked on their independent issues. Actions will align with words, and consistently over time, responsibility will be clearly taken, and topics that used to be difficult to talk about and caused a shut down triggered response (whether that's freeze, flight or fight) can be discussed in a more mature and productive way. If these things are not happening (with the bare minimum being someone shows up this way but maybe isn't fully secure yet, takes some minor missteps as they get used to being in a healthy relationship but owns them and takes it upon themselves to repair with the other person and continue evolving ie not repeating the missteps), then it's not really worth the time. I'm not saying that to be dismissive or mean of where someone is in their process. I'm saying it because if both people are not around that point, and they have already broken up at least once, then there is a greater chance that they'll grow more as individuals if they are apart (and maybe can start fresh from a healthier place once they're ready) -- and still only IF they are truly committed to their OWN individual growth. Otherwise, they're going to keep triggering each other because they're not both ready to get past their issues, and heartbreak will repeat.
After I'd done a year of my own work and was serious about sorting myself out emotionally (though I still didn't understand attachment theory, I was far less AP and continuing to grow), you better believe I reached back to the FA ex I left behind for several months to have the space to do my work (he dumped me but wanted to be friends and I had to go no contact to sort myself out). During this time, I also dated other people, and one was really off (probably a personality disorder) and that was horrible but valuable to my attachment style process moving along. In the meantime, I truly believed I was the reason the FA ex and I broke up and didn't realize what FA was or that he was so entrenched in his attachment style, and as soon as I was really ready to make things work, I showed up, my communication which was once scared and lacking was much better (and continued to be as I practiced feeling comfortable speaking up with him, which he noticed and commented on), I had more patience for him, I was ready to take things slow, and I took ownership for things I could have done better. None of this worked, of course, because with his FA being 1/3 the problem, my AP having been 1/3 the problem, and how they interacted being 1/3 the problem, and my not being completely secure and him not wanting to work through his FA AT ALL, we still had about 2/3 of a problem. But, my point is, if someone has really done the work, they will come back if they are ready and if the other person still appears to be available (if my ex was engaged or had a kid or something, I would have left him to it because, healthy boundaries).
I think you're asking this question because you know deep down your ex isn't ready so nothing will change. It's right there in your post: "not taking any responsibility for his part of shutting down... of course, he has not replied." People don't get ready in a couple months because it takes a long time to do a lot of damn work. If they haven't seriously been doing it, you're just going to cycle again no matter if one (and only one) of you has earned secure. Their issues aren't about you. You can change your behavior and do everything "perfectly" but someone not committed to their own change is going to stay stuck in their cycles since those cycles existed before they met you. If they were working on it, and changing, they'd want to talk about it. Look at people on this board! They want to talk about it. If you are learning something amazing (like about yourself and attachment theory), and growing, and it's improving your life, you're going to want to share that with people you care about... especially if it might be a good example that can help them, too. It's just a natural thing to want to do. You'll know if it's changed. It will feel and be easier because it's healthier.
I know that there's the whole, the easiest way to earn secure is with a secure partner. I don't agree. Sure, I think the easiest way to have a secure attachment to a romantic partner is to be with a secure partner, but that doesn't change the primary attachment style of an insecure person because it doesn't heal the old unrelated wounds for them. It does provide a partner who isn't triggering the insecure one so that the insecure one can have the space they need in their own process to do their own work. You can be AP, for example, and find a secure partner and have a steady relationship with them while still having AP triggered freak-outs and never earning secure. There's an AP and anxious-leaning FA fantasy of finding another insecure and growing together, relating to the accompanying insecure desire for external emotional regulation. Both people already have to be willing to do this for themselves, they have to be at that point in the process. Then maybe they can also do it together too, while simultaneously doing self-work. But the fantasy of someone doing it because they are inspired by you and love you enough to commit to doing this work... I've never had that work in my experience. Said FA ex in my example above. I heard it all. We were so close the first 8 months of our relationship. He told me, I made him want to be a better person. That he'd never had friendship, passion, and comfort all in one partner before. I was AP when he said those things, and I know even now that he meant them all in the moments he said them. That sounds perfect for I can inspire him and we can grow together, right? All the things you'd want to hear. Years later, I realized what red flags these were to hear. First, someone changing for someone else, and not changing for themselves isn't going to stick. It just won't, and a driving force for real change has to be internal or the changes made end up being superficial. Second, the reason my ex had never had those things in one person before is because he can't handle that level of intimacy and was running away if too many of those things were present in one partner. He's FA, so eventually when his attachment kicked in, it felt uncomfortable to him and he withdrew physically (the passion). None of his feelings had inspired him to grow with me. Watching me grow didn't inspire him to grow with me. None of my insecure partners, and that's basically all I've had my entire life, have ever wanted to grow with me. Four years later, he and I are friends now, just friends, and that's all I want. I do want him in my life because I love him, but that doesn't mean we should date. He tells me on a fairly regular basis for some reason that he's never going to change. He has no desire or willingness to still, even though he's not happy with his life. I don't know why he keeps telling me that as I don't bring it up. I'm sure there's something passive-aggressive and indirect in his communication, but I don't particular care to puzzle out what it is.
But I accept him where he's at, and for me that's okay for a friendship and not for a life partner. I don't need him to grow or change or do anything besides treat me with respect and not be an a-hole. I have no agenda, it's not to influence his actions, it's just how I feel after doing an enormous amount of work on myself. I enjoy his company because we like doing all the same things. When he's being FA, great, that's not my problem and if I leave him to it he'll reach out when he's done dealing with whatever triggered him. When we tried our relationship out twice, I always felt like I was sacrificing (under the guise of adjusting, though some of it was checking and adjusting in my own AP process). Same with my less serious FA ex before him who I'm also friends with 6 years later. Now, I don't feel like there's sacrificing for either of them... I show up as a friend, they do the same, I accept both their limitations and that I have other relationship needs that they didn't want to fulfill, and that's perfectly fine on all sides.
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Post by stu on Aug 31, 2019 10:53:03 GMT
When we tried our relationship out twice, I always felt like I was sacrificing (under the guise of adjusting, though some of it was checking and adjusting in my own AP process). Same with my less serious FA ex before him who I'm also friends with 6 years later. Now, I don't feel like there's sacrificing for either of them... I show up as a friend, they do the same, I accept both their limitations and that I have other relationship needs that they didn't want to fulfill, and that's perfectly fine on all sides. [/div][/quote] Your entire post just now answered every question or thought I was having myself. It's so much easier to learn about how to handle these kind of relationships with this forum and speaking to others who had experiences with it, or to talk to people who dealt with their own FA issues. Google searches only tell you so much along with the random psych pages. It's a lot different to hear real life experiences and what worked vs didn't for others. Thank you Alexandra for having so much clarity on all of this, I know exactly what I have to do in my own situation now too. Was never afraid of rocking the boat. But I am not able in a relationship with someone who wasn't able to fully show up and be consistent. Sacrificing for me meant sucking up with the FA behavior and trying not to let it get to me. But it killed me inside a lot to feel so deprived of normal intimacy. It's one thing to actively work through it and try to communicate with each other to support each other. And have a good enough grasp to have consistency and dependability with someone. But without working on oneself fully and thoroughly, letting attachment issues take over all sense of personal responsibility and control, it just ends up leading to more repeated heart ache. |
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 31, 2019 12:45:21 GMT
Four years later, he and I are friends now, just friends, and that's all I want. I do want him in my life because I love him, but that doesn't mean we should date. He tells me on a fairly regular basis for some reason that he's never going to change. He has no desire or willingness to still, even though he's not happy with his life. I don't know why he keeps telling me that as I don't bring it up. I'm sure there's something passive-aggressive and indirect in his communication, but I don't particular care to puzzle out what it is.[/div]
But I accept him where he's at, and for me that's okay for a friendship and not for a life partner. I don't need him to grow or change or do anything besides treat me with respect and not be an a-hole. I have no agenda, it's not to influence his actions, it's just how I feel after doing an enormous amount of work on myself. I enjoy his company because we like doing all the same things. alexandra thank you. You're very knowledgeable and I appreciate your sharing. I can see this for us in the future, as he has no inkling of his attachment issues to actually do anything so I don't see anything changing, yet I could see us as friends. Not sure he can say the same, especially at the moment! But I will leave it all alone for now and continue taking care of myself and dealing with my own healing. |
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