|
|
Post by answers on Sept 3, 2019 5:12:53 GMT
Over the last 15 months I have been involved with a woman who was diagnosed with fearful avoidant attachment, a diagnosis she agreed with. She actually has a significant history of abuse and it has been suggested that it may be even more than this. Over the course of the relationship there have been all of the patterns of dismissiveness, silent treatment and ghosting.
There were two significant incidents of lying that culminated in me finally breaking up with with her about five weeks ago. We continued to have contact though and three weeks ago began spending time together again. It only lasted for week, during which she had several outbursts of anger and was downright mean to me. Ultimately I got angry and overreacted at which point she broke up with me and we didn't have contact for 6 days. She then showed up at yoga class last Tuesday I often go to, smiled and gave me hug. We talked after words and she was unwilling to discuss anything and would only say it's just not working. We had some interaction over the next couple of days and then she went silent again on Friday and we have not had any contact since. Tonight though she was once again at the yoga class I go to when I arrived. The room was very crowded and I put my mat on the opposite side of it, did the entire class, and when I sat up at the very end she was gone.
I have been going to this yoga studio from before we started dating and actually introduced her to hot yoga on our second date. She began doing it fairly regularly but during breakups would go to another location.
What confuses me is why she would show up tonight at this location if there was a good chance I would be there to abruptly leave at the end in what appeared to be a significant effort to avoid me? I know I should not personalize her behavior but it did feel lousy.
|
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Sept 3, 2019 5:58:19 GMT
Sounds like she's coming out of her latest deactivation, not ready for full reconnection yet, and testing the waters. She'll cycle on and off like this with you endlessly; sometimes she'll take space, sometimes there will be other men. My Dad is still with my FA mother 40 years later. I can count maybe a dozen times she's left, maybe half of those involving new men. They are getting elderly now and she still gets mean, runs away, moves to another state, then comes back 6-12 months later. As the decades passed, she has gradually realised its her issue though, and when she leaves, she stays in daily contact with my Dad.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2019 5:59:47 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by answers on Sept 3, 2019 6:44:57 GMT
Serenity, thanks for the feedback. I honestly don't know about the other men at this point. There hasn't been any real indication of it but I am also aware of the reality of the situation. Her pattern had been to generally get upset at points and leave for a couple of days. On a few of those occasions she ended up depressed to the point of doing nothing. We did have a break up she initiated in March that lasted 3 weeks and I was the one that initiated contact after that. She recognized there was a problem and was supposed to get therapy which never happened. Today's experience was just weird as I've made no effort to contact her and it felt like she was behaving as though I intruded on her space.
|
|
|
|
Post by stu on Sept 3, 2019 7:37:08 GMT
Serenity, thanks for the feedback. I honestly don't know about the other men at this point. There hasn't been any real indication of it but I am also aware of the reality of the situation. Her pattern had been to generally get upset at points and leave for a couple of days. On a few of those occasions she ended up depressed to the point of doing nothing. We did have a break up she initiated in March that lasted 3 weeks and I was the one that initiated contact after that. She recognized there was a problem and was supposed to get therapy which never happened. Today's experience was just weird as I've made no effort to contact her and it felt like she was behaving as though I intruded on her space. I've had similar experiences before of an FA I am seeing now, from earlier times with her. She came to a place that I was after a period of me ignoring her and not wanting to talk to her. She did some hurtful things and I distanced myself after that time period. She came and tried to dance next to me and talk to me, so I said hi and walked away. Then she got upset that I was not talking to her or something along those lines and shut down, ran away when I was leaving to avoid saying bye to me. Being FA means their emotions and behaviors can be pretty all over the map. Sometimes their prying back because they want you again, other times they are running away because they feel engulfed, then later come back for fear of loss, or fear of abandonment, de activations, activations, etc. In my opinion it really isn't worth the heart ache to get seriously involved with an FA unless they arereally working on themselves and taking responsibility for their behavior and actions. The same goes for us, since it takes two to tango. It can be tough even when someone is working on themselves and taking responsibility too. People still fall into old habits and patterns, and sometimes they can trigger you as well. And things that happen during de activations can be pretty hurtful and eventually the wounds add up. It really depends where both people are at and how far along each person is with self awareness and self work. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2019 11:48:10 GMT
Be careful of reading too much into things....the guy I was seeing wanted to come back to the community we met at and at first, I thought he was there because he was cycling....but over time, it became apparent that he was truly there to meet other women. He would only ever circle(as in reach out) when he was feeling anxious...butt then he would distance again, flirt with other girls etc. I had to leave the community because I was not able to regulate myself in his presence with other girls. Just protect your heart and don’t read too much into anything she does.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Sept 30, 2019 10:19:50 GMT
think of the FA and what you have read. It's clear they are ambivalent. And so want you, but also don't want you. My ex still stalks my social media over a year later, yet don't hear from her, it totally makes sense once you read Jeb's work, and others like Thais Gibson on Youtube. It's a testy behaviour, born of anxiety, anyone secure would not bother. I had my ex rock up on my birthday night last year, she has 2 kids and could never get the time off, but could on the EXACT day my birthday landed, out with her ex and his new g/f she introduced him too, I ignored her, and she decided it was a good idea to full body slam my brother in law off a high chair to garner attention. Any secure would not bother. Exactly. You wouldn’t hear the click of the gate. |
|
