Distance and attraction (DA only) Sept 4, 2019 12:35:44 GMT
Post by goldilocks on Sept 4, 2019 12:35:44 GMT
"To want requires a little bit of a psychological distance"
Even in average people, a bit of distance is required to feel desire for another person.
As someone who used to have a more dismissive attachment style, I feel the need for distance is a bit more pronounced than average, even though I test as secure now.
All lovers need both closeness and distance, and it is interesting to explore the variations in these needs and the interaction between processes among DA-ish people, starting with my own. I explicitly do not want anxious people to contribute to this topic.
To me, overdoing closeness can lead to a decrease in attraction.
That said, physical attraction can also interact with closeness as can the type of interactions; I have noticed that two suitors both had the pattern of frequently sending quite standard texts. One is physically very attractive, the other a bit chubby. The texts from the handsome guy left me feeling, while not very excited, at least flattered when those from the chubby guy left me feeling bothered. Feeling bothered frequently then resulted in stress. Of course I did not tell him this and just let him know I do not feel attracted. I have also told the handsome guy we are not meant to be together over issues of religion; and now we are less often in touch. That said, I never really felt stress and can easily remain friends even if he were to contact me twice a day.
So more distance leads to more attraction for me, but more attraction also means I more easily tolerate closeness
Boring texts are quicker to bore me than exciting ones; which would not surprise anyone. I do notice many people have something interesting to say every now and then; some supplement this with contact that is basically a check in while others are less inclined to do so. I do notice that guys much younger than me tend to do so a lot. Strangely, the dating site tends to disproportionately give me younger matches. I actually prefer a well thought out email or a warm phonecall to texting; also because I much more enjoy romantic contact when I am relaxing at home rather than during the workday. I'm completely fine with funny or practical mesages but if I am interrupted just for the sake of hearing from me it feels very bothering.
I very much enjoy when I come together with a man and find him bringing fresh energy, when he has hbbies of his own, even if they do not interest me, but to see him build a skill and shine with it.
How do others, as DA or DA/secure experience the needs for distance and desire and have you noticed any interactions between these processes?