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Post by 8675309 on Sept 4, 2019 14:42:20 GMT
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 4, 2019 15:57:19 GMT
Yesterday I cried so hard it felt like my eyeballs were screaming, and trying to accelerate out of my head. I can't stand the sadness. I am wondering if I have decades of tears in there that need to come out. I am hoping that if I can let them out they will stop haunting me and using up all my water to just sit there stagnant and drowning me out. How can I know what I don't know! How can you! Every day I learn one more thing that everyone else seems to know. Depending on your childhood and age, that may indeed be the case. Can you accept that?
What am I supposed to do, deconstruct myself completely? That's too much to ask. I cannot and will not strip myself down to my bones to swap them out for anyone. I need a break. My therapist said it's too much to ask me to have sessions every week. He says we have to wake me up gently. Well I agree but now that I'm crying what am I supposed to do with that? I guess just keep at it. There is only one person in the works I can cry to unselfconsciously and that's my partner. When We aren't good I am not ok. Well what does that mean? It means that I have one more thing to have to try to put my weight on. All this interdependence is too much. It's too much. I am sick and tired of trying to manage everything all my feelings and all my endeavors and ambitions all by myself and yet trying to let someone else help me opens up a whole new can of worms. No, it opens up a chasm I could fall into and then what. What about all this way that I have come, and all the ways I used to be ok? Im sick of feeling right now. What practices have you got in place to soothe yourself and provide yourself with comfort? Having just one person to depend on can feel more vulnerable than having a larger support system. Yet, letting new people in takes a lot of strength in the trust muscle and the opening up muscle that is typically untrained in most DA. I can tell that in my healing journey, being stripped to the bone and recontructing them is precisely how I have felt at times. I have also felt much relief and intense joy. But to be brutally honest the pain has been equally intense, and I have faced some very dark shadows. Feel free to read my thread here if you like. It can be like a puzzle. Imagine remodeling a garden. When you dig with your hands there are only small amounts of dirt you need to discard. A therapist comes in with a shovel, and can leave you with more dirt to process. How does one get rid of all that dirt?
Right now you need a break. Perhaps a break from the painful feelings and the vulnerability. Self care can play a role here. If nature calms your feelings, a hike could help. An epson salt bath can be relaxing, as can massage or a sauna.
Dont tell me what you don't know about. I already know cognitively what the hell is supposed to be going on. On paper it's a whole different story than what it's like in real life. I really feel like giving up at some points. Why? Because it's too much to meet everyone else's needs and try to manage all this pain. I just need to cry I guess. When does that end? I'm grateful that there are people who care. I still can't call them. I don't know if I ever can. There is one person I can cry to and I can't stand the way it feels to be that dependent and then watch that come to an end. Someday it will you know. I sometimes wish there was a way to turn back, go back to sleep. It's whatever. Do you need to meet everyone's needs? Or do you need to meet your own and allow others to meet your needs in this moment? Or at least just accept that you have your plate full managing all the pain.
Maybe at this point in time you are not yet able to ask a friend to help you get rid of some of the dirt. That is okay. It will take you more time,and maybe you can only process a fortnightly therapy for now. Maybe the progress is not as fast as would be ideal.
But even slow progress is helpful.
As for me, therapy did help increase my capacity to share my pain and ask for help, from a wider group of friends. My life has much less pain and much more pleasure. I am very very happy with my ife as it it. Take a break, but don't give up!
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 4, 2019 16:13:32 GMT
Crying can’t fix or change things but it can help you release. Releasing can help you heal, process, move forward, etc.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2019 16:42:03 GMT
@sherry, it sounds like you're in a difficult new stage, but that means you're still moving forward and that's GOOD, even though it hurts right now. Maybe a smaller-scale analogy is it's like getting a cavity filled sucks while it's happening but then a few days later you're better than before.
You're aware of the process and cognitive parts of this, so I just came by to say that last month I suddenly got really, really sad about a guy I had to let go of a couple months earlier (he's probably FA and couldn't commit, so even though I really liked him, I have learned my lessons about unaware FA and walked away). Which isn't the same example, but bear with me a minute. This lasted for a couple weeks. I got really sad and it felt absolutely horrible, because I thought I'd already handled it and processed the situation and emotions. In the back of my mind, I wondered and suspected that just feeling all this delayed and unexpected overwhelm was going to be a step in further letting go if I could make it through, but wasn't sure how long it would take. I decided I'd have to just go with it and hope/trust I wasn't regressing and AP ruminating (there was no insecure self-blame at least, so I was still optimistic). Not something I could ever just sit with and do before when I was insecure. I couldn't stand feeling stuff like that back then. Well, I felt really sad for the two weeks, then I: went and did some really fun activities I'd been looking forward to AND decided to take a break from dating / pushing myself to meet new people. I woke up the next day after the fun activities and felt... fine. I'm still a touch disappointed but not overwhelmed and no longer anxious about it.
I can't promise this stage won't last long for you, but listen to your body. To me, it sounds like it is indeed saying, stop pushing so fast, you've got a lot here to process that you weren't able to process for a long long time, so we're going to slow down so you can feel and process that at the appropriate speed for you. And once you do, without pressuring yourself to do anything, one day it's going to pass and the next step in the process will be clearer. Sorting out the pain can really lead to sudden leaps in healing, so trust your gut. It actually will be okay, even if it's not right now, so try to look at this part with acceptance and curiosity instead of resistance and drowning. You've got you, we've got you.
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Sad Rant
Sept 4, 2019 17:48:41 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2019 17:48:41 GMT
@sherry, try a friend who is more secure (if you have one) and say something like, I've had a lot on my plate lately and it would be helpful to talk about it with someone. Can you meet me for a cup of coffee / drink / walk / hike [whatever activity that allows conversation] this week?
I suggest someone more secure because if you do start crying, though it is totally okay, it will be more helpful for you if it's someone who won't get triggered by strong emotions. You don't want to (falsely) validate your discomfort leaning on others.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2019 17:51:06 GMT
If you know of someone who will listen and not judge - turn and talk to them.
If you know of someone who can provide empathy - just tell them what you have said on here. I think with what you have already shared on here is a very good start. Sometimes when you start talking to someone - it will continue to just come out. Whatever you have on your mind - let it out!
Or you could try phoning one of those helplines like the Samaritans - they are trained to ask and provide emotional support.
Wishing you well Sherry.
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Sad Rant
Sept 5, 2019 22:03:37 GMT
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 5, 2019 22:03:37 GMT
Sherry, all I know to say is thank you for all your time on this board. You he’ll so many of us and we are all right here for the bad days❤️
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 7, 2019 13:20:49 GMT
goldilocks , I have so many practices for self soothing that it actually makes me angry at the moment. I am feeling angry that I have had to self soothe, for so long. I get the how and the why and all that but frankly it just hurts and I feel sad and angry for myself and I am just done. Done doing it all myself. I have felt sad plenty in my life, and always alone. The thought of experiencing all this by myself is right now too much to bear. Yesterday while crying I knew I couldn't reach my partner by phone so I just wrote it all out for a witness. Thats all I need really is a witness. The reason why is because there is something that feels old and expired about crying alone. What I mean is that I have too much love and compassion in my life now for that to be ok with me anymore. I haven't availed myself of it as much as I need to. I haven't been as vulnerable as I want to. I feel that I do myself a disservice to let the earth soak it all up for me as I am used to doing, only because I actually believe the earth herself wants to offer me a new family, if that makes sense. I don't need any answers for this pain and I don't need to make any sense of it, I just need to allow someone to care about it with me. So really, even just writing it out, what I was thinking and why I felt sad, was good for me. The answer I got back was simple and sincere, "I am sorry you are so sad. " It's more than enough for me, to just have a witness who cares. Just feeling the anger and the sadness behind it, and sharing as much of it as you can is beautiful progress. Recognizing your need to have a witness is also the process of owning the part of yourself that needs the witness, that is happy to be seen.
That said, while it is sad that you have had to self soothe, there is value in having these skills too. What is sad is not having had another to soothe you as a child or not availing yourself of the soothing that a witness would have gladly offered.
I can't schedule out a time to talk and express myself at this point because if I do, I'll have it packed up and labeled and sealed by the time the time comes. Right now I really just need to be able to reach out to someone when it hits and let them know I'm feeling it and I am tired of being alone. I have my DA friend I have mentioned here , and last time we met her eyes welled up when she talked about her dad who passed last year. She says she can't quite get there with the grief. Something is stopping her. She wants to get together this weekend and I will just tell her everything I have said here and see if she wants to get through this together. I truly am just sick of something. I'm not sure what all I am sick of but I am sick of something. It is great you recognize the need to share in the moment!
I must say I mostly share the "packed up" feelings with my friends, though I have at times shared spontaneously, and am happy this too is possible. How lovely to have a close with who is also DA, to share feelings related to your attachment style in person. I did not have such a friend irl; but Juniper and I have been witnesses to each other over the internet and later in person when taking a road trip together. I do have a friend who is a psychologist and who understands attachment issues; I have had a few beautiful conversations with her about my therapy journey, which brough us closer.
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Sad Rant
Sept 11, 2019 1:53:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2019 1:53:09 GMT
I told my SE/Attachment therapist about this today, he is so happy for me that I don't want to cry by myself any more. He really loved my crying kit for my friend and my family. He said that it was telling that all I feel I need is a mere witness, that it was a developmental need unmet, to feel seen and understood and cared for. I guess I didn't see that as the big picture, I just new that I couldn't bear to be invisible and all by myself when I'm sad, anymore. It makes sense and I'm glad he can affirm these things for me.
I feel like I might be a challenging client for him because a lot of times I can't feel things in my body when he asks me what it feels like but he says that goes along with avoidant attachment. I stop and try to notice but I feel a void in my body and just a lot of pressure in my eyes or head.
So we are going to work with that somehow. I guess it's small steps although he seems really happy about what I'm doing and how I'm opening up to this vulnerability with a lot of sincerity. He said my sincerity was badass and thought it was really cool that I've got this protective layer around me that keeps me safe but that I'm really soft inside and sincere. So that felt good to have him affirm that also. I realize he is a therapist and I pay him to make me feel better but he sure is enthusiastic and seems sincere also. His attachment style is on the anxious end but I don't feel that, but if I think about working with someone who isn't so warm and empathetic as him I can't see it working. I do feel that he draws me out and is really available to me. So I really like this process and I'm happy with it.
But it takes a lot out of me and brings my feels right to the surface. I kind of think I'll just do easy normal non triggering stuff for a few days but I'm not sure what that looks like, it's almost like everything matters all the time, I don't feel anxious, stressed or upset just a little saturated. Kind of over all the intensity, what's up with all the intensity? It makes me feel kind of high maintenance and frustrated. I wonder if this evens out? It must. I'm confused so I'm going to stop and go do something else.
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Sad Rant
Sept 11, 2019 3:52:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2019 3:52:38 GMT
Well I talked to my partner for about an hour on the phone and I feel pretty peaceful. I don't know honestly, where I would be without him or If I would have even been able to come this far, I'm pretty sure not. I thanked him for being so supportive and there for me with all these changes. He was so enthusiastic and warm too, so much like my therapist, just that altruistic friendly generosity toward me that makes me feel really cared for. It's powerfully good.
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Sad Rant
Sept 11, 2019 15:42:56 GMT
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Post by Helsbells on Sept 11, 2019 15:42:56 GMT
I've had such a hard time sleeping with all this going on. I usually sleep like a baby. I feel like my energy is going up, and also I'm processing a lot more thoughts with more understanding. I'm feeling that a lot of people around me really care about what is going on with me, they don't even seem to mind if I ask them for their time or talk to them about it. It's like they are genuinely excited for me and I'm getting so much encouragement. I don't think I've trusted people like this before, really put my weight on my relationships like this. I also feel strange thinking about all this when so many people are suffering so much more than I am. I think I should take up a gratitude practice again. I have always felt really grateful for the things that I have that provide my protection, safety and sustenance, but I've never counted that many people in on that. I think I didn't realize what I didn't have, it was just normal to me to live separate. It was kind of like a resigned feeling but also I felt mystified somewhat but what seemed to be a connected, natural state for others. I'm getting a sense of what that feels like. Watching my parents, I'm pretty sure they never experienced this. I don't think my siblings experience it either- they are all so cut off socially. I feel just flabbergasted about how long it's taken me to get to this. I don't know what it looks like going forward, either. I feel like the more you gain the more you have to lose so I'll be working through that I'm sure. But I've also always felt like if I spread my eggs around to a bunch of baskets, not put them all in one, I'd stay on a pretty even keel if I lost some. I wonder if having more relationships will make me feel more secure and happy instead of less secure. It all feels a little intimidating although it also feels good. I do feel a little lame for being such a novice. I wonder if other types feel like newbies when they turn a corner. It's kind of embarrassing in a way because I'm a little late to the event, but then I think about those people who are color blind and put on those special glasses for the first time and see color, they have nothing to be embarrassed about, I don't need to feel embarrassed about what I haven't known about, just grateful now that I do. Bless you sherry you have always been a real honest support to me in my understanding of my own attachment and my FA partner. I hope your feeling better and your in my blessings. Take care sweetheart x |
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