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Post by serenity on Sept 5, 2019 22:27:42 GMT
Yes! This is my concern and I am sure we all have wondered. What IF I just am not able to earn secure? The thought that eventually all roads lead to deactivation makes me sad. Could an FA ever really BE content in any long term relationship? Will the stable boring ever be something I can enjoy?🖤 I wouldn't rule out the possibility that your attachment style directly relates to who you're with. I swing FA when involved with people I don't trust. I swing AP with abusers and narcissists. And in my two long term relationships (5 years and 15 years) I felt secure, because I was secure. They were good men, who made me feel loved, cared for, and listened to. I am similarly attached to my friends will those kind of traits. Trust doesn't come quickly or easily for me, but when I feel it I am grateful for my partner, the absence of anxiety, and the way it helps me to thrive in other areas of life. Its natural to be attracted to other people, I don't think that makes you `FA'. Its choosing loyalty that counts IMO. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 5, 2019 22:56:35 GMT
Yes! This is my concern and I am sure we all have wondered. What IF I just am not able to earn secure? The thought that eventually all roads lead to deactivation makes me sad. Could an FA ever really BE content in any long term relationship? Will the stable boring ever be something I can enjoy?🖤 I wouldn't rule out the possibility that your attachment style directly relates to who you're with. I swing FA when involved with people I don't trust. I swing AP with abusers and narcissists. And in my two long term relationships (5 years and 15 years) I felt secure, because I was secure. They were good men, who made me feel loved, cared for, and listened to. I am similarly attached to my friends will those kind of traits. Trust doesn't come quickly or easily for me, but when I feel it I am grateful for my partner, the absence of anxiety, and the way it helps me to thrive in other areas of life. Its natural to be attracted to other people, I don't think that makes you `FA'. Its choosing loyalty that counts IMO. ❤️❤️❤️ Hope!! So with those secure relationships the avoidant didn’t win? |
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Post by serenity on Sept 6, 2019 2:18:48 GMT
Good question Violet! No avoidant did not win  As I understand it, FA attachment style can have different triggers... for some its intimacy, others its triggered by signs of abuse and broken trust. I only swing into dissociation /FA attachment style if trust is legitimately broken. When you think back to other partners you've had, was there anything about them that broke your trust in them or the relationship? Or did you feel that closeness itself was the trigger for you? <3 |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 6, 2019 3:10:11 GMT
I will have to think about that! I do think I tend to push away when I feel like there is no genuine effort on the other persons part. From helping with house chores to making an effort to be romantic. So I suppose it def could be more than just closeness for me! I am gonna think about this!!!❤️ Thank you for always responding to me:)
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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2019 5:24:18 GMT
kisstheviolets, I think the points made about deactivating because there's a good reason, something unsafe about the partner because of the partner not because of your FA, is a good one. In terms of situations where it is you not them.. the security doesn't have to be boring. In fact, the triggered intensity can simply be a distraction from being with yourself. That's you looking for the relationship to fill your holes, and when it stops triggering you anxious, and when the closeness and real intimacy feels like a threat, then you feel your own issues and vulnerability again and may shut down to look for a new distraction. But I'd rather spend all that energy not on drama but maybe on traveling with partner who I get along with, and finding excitement in sharing experience. Or exploring events or food around town with my partner, not obsessing over if I'll ever hear from them again. I started feeling that way, when I was more secure but still AP, about my FA boyfriend at the time. We both had insecure attachment styles (no one was earned secure!), but at times were securely attached to each other (though those secure times didn't last because he wasn't working out his issues). If we were at the same point in our process, I think we could have done what I'm describing, and not gotten bored with stability, because there were other, healthier ways to share excitement that didn't mean push-pull drama. We had a couple old threads on the board about sparks. Here was one of my comments on it from last October, last paragraph is most relevant: leavethelighton said: Though, I wonder if one was really secure in their attachment whether the desire and lust could ever be there too. I find it difficult to have in a marriage, but there are tons of books about this (renewing or maintaining desire in long-term relationships) so it's not an uncommon challenge/problem. Is it deactivation? Are the people who stay really into their partner sexually for decades the secure ones? I also can't help but wonder how much attraction is about the person in front of us, our psychology, or our hormones. If we had the right balance of hormones, wouldn't attraction and desire be a thing regardless of our psychology? But then what's the relationship between hormones and psychology if any? alexandra said: I personally don't think so. First, there's the science that lust/desire etc naturally fades over time and that humans adapt to their environment. So you'd always need more stimulation to maintain sparks. Second, I don't think that's what secure love is anymore. I used to, because I viewed it through the AP lens, but it's limmerance. My sparks could last indefinitely for partners who wouldn't fully commit. So, I'd have unstable romantic relationships where I'd feel plenty of lust and desire and also feel horrible and always get hurt because there was no true sustainable foundation. I thought that was what society was telling me love was because I didn't even know to question it or what the right questions were. Interestingly, my parents are still together and are happy but don't have a crazy lust filled marriage after so long together, so I didn't learn those assumptions from them. It was definitely from society. But I don't think you can assume it's hormones because those hormones will fade and change into different hormones no matter who you are with. Long term attachment and love is different. And in my personal AP experience, it's been nervous system activation and looping. I don't think long term secure desire is about those hormones and lust. I think it's about appreciating your partner and wanting to express it, or being comfortable enough with them that if you're feeling horny it will be fun to explore and satisfy that with them, and grow from the sense of safety allowing you to try new things. That's why a lot of the keep up despire for your long term partner advice seems to be just as much about maintaining a strong emotional connection as it is about explore toys and fetishes and change up the routine. Really what I've been considering lately, with all the talk of boredom, is... it's not on your partner to keep you entertained. Sure, your partner should show up for both of you best they can. But maybe we should be entertaining ourselves, by being interested in our lives, cultivating interests, finding out what motivates us, and looking to our partners to share in that experience and connect with us emotionally, not expect them to be the source of that passion and desire forever. It's not feasible, and I suspect why working on one's self confidence no matter which insecure style one has so heavily influences and possibly changes perspective on this stuff.
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Post by serenity on Sept 6, 2019 6:03:02 GMT
Amazingly insightful post Alexandra, as usual <3.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 14:53:05 GMT
I adore you ladies🖤 Such good things to think about.
Does anyone have experience with a stable committed partnership with no sex just affection?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2019 15:16:19 GMT
Does anyone have experience with a stable committed partnership with no sex just affection? This can exist (ie, if someone is sick or has physical limitations), but I think it is healthier for romantic relationships to have some sex... in my last post I was saying there's still definitely sex, but untriggered makes it much more about comfort and the depth of connection. There's vulnerability without the fear that comes with insecure attachment. It isn't about satisfying a fear of abandonment (ie an AP using it to validate their partner won't leave and feel better about themselves) or even avoiding connection (ie an avoidant might use sex for physical release and to make a partner happy so that they don't need to connect emotionally). But since it's also not about insecure sparks, the long-term excitement comes from the safety of exploring sexual desires, fantasies, and variety together, not from drama or temporary connection relief in an overall unstable partnership. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 8, 2019 22:28:45 GMT
I think regardless of attachment style, one would have to be careful. I have a friend whose wife said to him that she never wanted to have sex again. He’s there, doing his best with her and the kids, but something has died inside him.
For me, I could go without penis in vagina sex. My body doesn’t do what it used to reliably and it ends up all sorts of demoralising for both parties. The closeness around it, I need, though.
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As I understand it, FA attachment style can have different triggers... for some its intimacy, others its triggered by signs of abuse and broken trust. I only swing into dissociation /FA attachment style if trust is legitimately broken. 
