Something my therapist said...

I'm assuming you mean, the avoidant aspect of the FA style overtakes the anxious side, and that it takes longer if the anxious side is triggered in relationship to an avoidant. But that without work to heal the style then the avoidant side becomes dominant.

Maybe, if the avoidant adaptation means giving up. I could see that. Resignation and shut down.

So...trying to understand...does that mean, unless someone with FA seeks out therapy...that that individual will end up fleeing from relationships?  I guess this was really a question for the OP.

@sherry, I’ve said that to myself over and again, but I get lonely. Sad, but true. I say sad because I know I’m someone’s train wreck if I’m not actively doing something about this. As said elsewhere, the avoidance trumps all eventually. It might be 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months or 7 years. That probably answers your question as well tnr9 .

I think it's great to be working with someone who both really understands the issue and knows the struggles and process for overcoming it. This sounds really helpful.

I had a friend who discovered she was actually FA after talking to me about it and taking some initial assessments, and it was a shock to her and hard to accept at first (she actually told me she avoided telling me for a couple weeks because she didn't want it to be true, and had realized how telling even just that action was). But it seemed to really help to re-frame it as, there's some additional work to be done to heal versus other attachment types, but it's also just a set of defense mechanisms that used to make sense for survival but now it's time to grow out of (versus believing that the label meant she was crazy or broken). She then dug into it and was so relieved to have answers to questions about herself she'd had for decades. So it's painful, but there will be progress.

In my experience with unaware FAs, avoidance indeed always has won out. I've been AP or secure and not generally triggering them chronically anxious because I've always shown low avoidance. But nothing has really worked out with their avoidant partner choices, either. I think part of this has to do with, eventually, if you're still involved with someone long enough, you get into a predictable pattern. Even if it's two insecures cycling through chaos, and one is more avoidant, if it always results in reconnecting that's still a steady bond in a way. So the existence of a bond means there's enough enduring connection to cause moments that it feels too close and engulfing (no one is going to act distant 100% of the time), so the avoidance does stand to always win as the anxiety of will I ever really fully lose you goes away. You maybe can't predict when the partner will come back but there's always enough hope for reconnection and expecting the exhausting ups and downs that the abandonment anxiety is going to burn itself out.

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Thank you everyone for the responses! I think this is exactly what she meant! If a FA is with a secure or AP especially, that the newness triggers their anxious because it’s all so new and exciting but that the avoidant will always overcome that sooner or later. Or even for someone like me who can tolerate long relationships, my avoidant will manifest at some point in some way!?!??

kisstheviolets, ultimately the issue is healthy attachment doesn't come with triggering in either direction. That untriggered space may feel less "in love" or uncomfortable and even boring, but that's actually where the relationship deepens for stable relationships. Insecures who think the triggered feelings or the new relationship excitement indicate love and a relationship worth fighting for but can't sit with the feelings in the relationship day to day get stuck in a fantasy bond. Then if they don't feel that overwhelm, they may interpret that as they've lost interest... or may feel engulfed once the excitement has died down and will deactivate.