Betty
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Posts: 36 
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Post by Betty on Sept 1, 2017 19:33:50 GMT
Wow- i can relate to so much of what everyone here is sharing. It appears that since DA's and Ap's are both insecure attachment styles, we validate each other's sense of self worth and or worthlessness. The AP's fear being abandoned so we are subconsciously drawn to those who abandon us. The DA's fear of abandoment is masked by a false sense of entitlement and superiority in which the AP partner validates with their neediness. I believe that "some" Anxious Preoccupieds may also be codependents. If you do identify yourself as a codependent, do some research about narcissists (narcissists have many of the avoidant traits). Ive read that there is a tendency for codependents to match up with narcissistis which is a highly toxic and abusive duo, that never ends well. I can sympathize and relate to Dear Lovers experiences in connecting to her partner when he is vulnerable and being his true authentic self. This vulnerable side of my partner that is rarely shown is what I cherish and keeps me feeling that there is hope. Sadly, these intimate moments are too infrequent to keep me wanting to hang on. My partner states that vulnerability is weakness and he admits to not having empathy. As a creative person who spent many of my younger years writing poetry, I cannot imagine partnering up with someone for the rest of my life who literally detests what I hold so dear to my heart. Probably the most difficult challenge here (for those of us who are preoccupieds) is to respect our partners differences. Loving them means accepting them for who they are today, and not for the potential that we see in them. It is not our duty to change anyone else. We can be supportive and help our partners when they ask for help (which is not often, lol) and focus "change" within ourselves. We can work towards being a more secure person which starts with creating healthy boundaries for ourselves. Meimei, Yes, I agree 100%. If you are open and vulnerable, and create a safe place for them, its great. BUT, that also means that your way more likely to get hurt. The expectation that your FA, or DA is going to change because you are open and patient with them, is simply just that. An expectation. As gut wrenching as it is, unless this person wants to change, there is nothing we can do. I too have been writing poetry and open to a deep love connection all of my life. I met an incredible man in my FA. he has changed me for the better. taught me to be more compassionate and forgiving and loving, even if that is something he struggles with himself. He has chosen to keep to himself, and chosen to live how he wants to live. Whatever reason, whether it be because he's comfortable, its too hard to dig up his trauma, he feels safer on his own, he doesn't want to risk, etc, is his choice. I have tried so hard for him. Apart of that is selfish, wanting his love and his openness in return. It simply has to be given. Its a hard lesson for an AP to learn. @dearlover, I read women who love too much at 16. At the time, i never saw myself in it. Now, I really do. Its a great book to recommend. I know you love this man. Everyone on this board is here because they love someone, and need support and answers and insight into who they have fallen in love with. He ignores you because its easier. For us, it feels very painful, to share so much with someone and then its like you just don't have it anymore. I just told my FA that i could no longer see or talk to him, as it was too painful for me. He was literally over at my house a week ago. We had been in contact the last few weeks and started to build, with little moments here and there. He again pulled away from me, and told me he had nothing to give, after he had a little breakthru moment. I told him i didn't want to do this, but I feel i have to let him go. I sent him a letter with love, compassion and understanding, but just that it was killing me to hold onto this. He did not reply at all. Im glad you understand it is not about you. it is hard being the closest person to them, to see everything going on, and yet not being able to touch them. it is if your behind a glass wall, not able to reach them. I am very glad I have found a massive amount of support through this forum, and a support group i joined as well. keep reading books, doing the hard work for yourself. you can't heal them, but you can heal yourself xoxo |
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Post by meimei on Sept 3, 2017 5:14:11 GMT
Hi Betty,
Thank you for sharing how your FA changed you for the better - helped you to become more compassionate, loving and forgiving... :-) I am working towards changing for the better as well. Listening to everyone's stories here, regardless of their attachment style, has been so helpful. After years of enduring the silent treatment, for the first time I don't feel so alone. I understand a little better what's going on, why it's happening, and my role in it.
The support and encouragement from everyone here on this forum is super cool.
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Sept 3, 2017 15:19:36 GMT
Hi Betty, Thank you for sharing how your FA changed you for the better - helped you to become more compassionate, loving and forgiving... :-) I am working towards changing for the better as well. Although I am still with my partner, I feel more prepared to let go when the time comes. Listening to everyone's stories here, regardless of their attachment style, has been so helpful. After years of enduring the silent treatment, for the first time I don't feel so alone. I understand a little better what's going on, why it's happening, and my role in it. The support and encouragement from everyone here on this forum is super cool. if your still with your partner, have you tried expressing what you have learned and asking him to maybe seek council? I learned all of this after my FA ex and I split up, and have tried the last 8 months to create a safe place for him to come back into the relationship. but once he left, he's just able to create so much distance between us, its damn near impossible to even ask the hard questions anymore. it might be easier to talk about these things now that your aware and still with them. if thats what you want. |
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Post by meimei on Sept 3, 2017 18:07:42 GMT
Hi Betty,
My partner has been aware of his attachment style for some time now. Before our first split, we went to counseling (EFT) together for a little less then a year. He was able to open up a little during therapy but as soon as we came home from our sessions, he went back to secluding himself in his room. Eventually, he left me - moved out - for a better job opportunity that would take him out on the road. Several months ago, i expressed an interest in working things out with him. But he was reluctant at first due to his new found freedom - living by himself, having a job that takes him out on the road for months at a time, and to top it off - he has joined a new creative endeavor with a former ex. We are now back in therapy but this time - indivual therapy. (We were told after an acessment that couples therapy would not be an option until we've worked on ourselves for at least 3 months.)
Since I wanted him back, my partner reminds me constantly how this relationship is based solely on his terms. I've been hanging by a thread in hopes that there will be some sort of epiphany during individual therapy. But I am not hopeful. I am walking on eggshells, suppressing my own feelings in fear he will leave again. By researching, working on myself through individual therapy, and joining this forum - learning from other people's experiences, I feel that I am gaining knowledge - the wisdom to know that I do have other options. I love my partner dearly. When he is vulnerable, he makes an amazing boyfriend and friend. I am trying to be patient since we are both attending individual therapy, but in the meanwhile, this one sided relationship is wearing me out.
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Sept 3, 2017 20:16:15 GMT
Hi Betty, My partner has been aware of his attachment style for some time now. Before our first split, we went to counseling (EFT) together for a little less then a year. He was able to open up a little during therapy but as soon as we came home from our sessions, he went back to secluding himself in his room. Therapy almost felt like a facade. Eventually, he left me - moved out - for a better job opportunity that would take him out on the road. Several months ago, i expressed an interest in working things out with him. But he was reluctant at first due to his new found freedom - living by himself, having a job that takes him out on the road for months at a time, and to top it off - he has joined a new creative endeavor with a former ex. We are now back in therapy but this time - indivual therapy. (We were told after an acessment that couples therapy would not be an option until we've worked on ourselves for at least 3 months.) Since I wanted him back, my partner reminds me constantly how this relationship is based solely on his terms. He says that he would never consider living together until "I've" made enough changes. He says that if I have any feelings of insecurity or ask him for reassurance, he will leave me. I've been hanging by a thread in hopes that there will be some sort of epiphany during individual therapy. But I am not hopeful. I am walking on eggshells, suppressing my own feelings in fear he will leave again. By researching, working on myself through individual therapy, and joining this forum - learning from other people's experiences, I feel that I am gaining knowledge - the wisdom to know that I do have other options. I love my partner dearly. When he is vulnerable, he makes an amazing boyfriend and friend. I am trying to be patient since we are both attending individual therapy, but in the meanwhile, this one sided relationship is wearing me out and at times feels abusive. Oh Meimei. I don't know you personally, but your reply breaks my heart. I can see how much you love this man. Unfortunately, love alone cannot improve this. If you have to hold back all the time and you find your surpressing your own needs, then it may be you making all the sacrificies for the forseeable future. Amazing that he is in therapy, obviously he has, at the very least, acknowledged there is something fundamentally not working within him. It's a defense thing, to put the emphasis on you and any short comings you may have. It's projecting, he may not even realize he does it. My FA ex never took any responsbility for the breakdown of our relationship. Just that he uses the silent treatment because he can't handle my anxiety. It's hard because when you see glimises of what could be, it gives you hope to stay. Nobody else can make that choice for you, but you. I'm sending you strength. I know how hard it is to walk away, especially when it's not about a lack of love. |
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Post by meimei on Sept 5, 2017 0:06:43 GMT
Hi Betty,
Thank you for your emotional support. Just reading that you too have gone through similar hardships - the silent treatment and being blamed/held accountable for everything that went wrong in your former relationship with a FA partner, saddens me as well. The confusion, depression, sense of rejection, and feeling of self defeat when we butt heads with an avoidant, is hard to heal from. Because your right, it's not about a lack of love.
I parted ways with my boyfriend early this morning. After six years of friendship topped with another six years of being romantically involved, this will be a difficult recovery for me. I took a big risk last night by asking him to give me a little reassurance. But when he responded back with a sigh of disgust followed by the silent treatment, I walked away into another room feeling utterly defeated. I then wrote him a short heartfelt letter, failing to sleep as I obsessed over each word and sentence. I do think he is hurting despite his actions. This all is so very sad to me.
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Post by howpredictable on Sept 5, 2017 3:15:02 GMT
Meimei, I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds as if it is for the best. The first few days/weeks will be hard, but you will eventually realize that it is getting better, if only slowly.
Please continue to post here on your progress. You will find much support here.
HowPredictable
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Sept 5, 2017 4:36:54 GMT
MeiMei,
I'm so sorry to hear about the decision u have had to make. I offered my ex therapy thru my benefits if he needed it (I work at a hospital) and he blocked me from communication. Did it Hurt? Very much.
I'm trying not to take it too personally.
I believe maybe I pushed too far for him, and even though I was trying to help, it's overwhelming and too much for him to deal with.
It sounds like ur man is the same. Not wanting to acknowledge your feelings, or deal with them. I'm so sorry you have to do this alone. I know that pain. I think sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the best for us. I have been a wreck all day. We can't make them do anything. I'm not the best at letting go. But I have to learn to. I'm sending u so much love tonight. I know this is hard. Please be gentle with yourself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 12:15:32 GMT
I am just as perplexed as everyone here....I thought I did the work on myself after breaking up with my NPD exhusband, and I know that I'm a Secure, I really don't need to be assured frequently but I like to give my thoughts, support and presents to my partners.
I don't understand how I get enmeshed with another Avoidant....is it because I didn't run away at the first red flags, eg. him saying he is looking for an "independent" woman, he is fine with a long distance relationship, etc.?
We are both physically and intellectually attractive to eachother, so perhaps there's limerence which got carried away.
The other men I met weren't as attractive, personality, looks, chemistry, etc.
I don't like the scarcity mentality but it is true that almost all the men I've met didn't attract me, and that could be why I didn't drop him earlier, when it became apparent that he is Avoidant, one in denial.
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Post by meimei on Sept 8, 2017 3:57:35 GMT
HowPredictable,
Thanks for your support. I realize that with time things will get better. For now, I'm taking it slowly, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute (when I'm feeling really down). lol I intend to keep posting whike enjoying the good company and intellect here on this forum. 😊
Hi Betty,
Perhaps your ex misinterpreted your thoughtfulness (by offering him counseling through your work benefits) as a criticism of him not being good enough - an insecurity manifested by his own internal negative dialogue? (I know that if my ex offered me counseling through his work, I'd accept it in a heartbeat!) I do agree that cutting off communication is extremely hurtful and unfortunately this does seem to be the preferred coping mechanism that avoidants use. I did read somewhere “that when our partners cut off communication through stonewalling and the silent treatment, it is a passive aggressive way of telling us that our feelings are not as valid as theirs - and it teaches us to suppress our thoughts until we learn that silence is the only valid answer.” And this sort of treatment (subconscious or not) is abusive and takes a fair amount of time for us to heal from. Betty, I'm so sorry that you're hurting and I wish I wasn't hurting too. But it helps to know that we're not alone. We also have other people here to remind us that things do get better over time, even if we can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Thank you for your support. I'm sending my love right back to you. If you ever need to vent, I'm here.
P.S. Monday night my 15 year old dog had seizures and difficulty breathing. She almost passed away in my arms and I never felt so alone and heartbroken. The vet took new X-rays and found a large mass on her heart. It's been a terribly sad week watching her health decline rapidly but I've promised myself to live a more purposeful life starting with my dog and taking her to as many pretty places as she allows me too.
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Post by cricket on Sept 8, 2017 4:35:16 GMT
Meimei..im sooo sorry to hear about your doggie. My dogs are my babies. That must have been terribly scary. I am in the same boat. I had an issue with my dog and handled it alone and I thought if I was in a relationship w a normal guy I wud be able to count on him for this kind of stuff. What's the point of having him around when it's only to his convenience.
So I am by myself now 😊
I'm glad your doggie is ok.
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Betty
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by Betty on Sept 9, 2017 2:14:24 GMT
MeiMei sending you love! I'm sorry to hear that.
Sending light and hugs!!!
xo
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sammy
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Post by sammy on Sept 9, 2017 8:17:59 GMT
Meimei, sorry to hear about your beloved dog, my darling dog is also 15 and is my best friend so i can understand what you are going through. Sorry that you are dealing with your dogs illness alone. My thoughts are with you. Hugs to you both xx
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