|
|
Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 16:28:32 GMT
Curious for fellow FA’s and partners of FA’s... what is the longest relationship you maintained? What’s the longest you or your partner managed to maintain a relatively healthy and happy streak? What do you think contributed to that stable and consistent timeframe? Do you think it’s only when your anxious is more prevailing?
|
|
cat
New Member
Posts: 17
|
Post by cat on Sept 7, 2019 17:14:46 GMT
I stayed in a relationship with a NPD for 3,5 years. I threatened him to leave about 20 times. It was the first serious relationship for the two of us. Every time I reacted emotionally and deactivated, it was because of something he did (telling me I smelled bad, was not smart, didn't look good, was not enough fit) He used to withdraw sex a lot, I usually turned anxious, I remember that sometimes we didn't have sex for about a month. Sometimes he rejected me and I turned anxious so I craved for him, sometimes I deactivated and pushed him away for longer than he wanted. After this relationship, I haven't dated anyone for more than a couple of months. I'm pretty young though (22). I used to have lots of one night stands too and blocked them the day after so they couldn't reach out.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 7, 2019 21:24:42 GMT
Curious for fellow FA’s and partners of FA’s... what is the longest relationship you maintained? What’s the longest you or your partner managed to maintain a relatively healthy and happy streak? What do you think contributed to that stable and consistent timeframe? Do you think it’s only when your anxious is more prevailing? Longest relationship for me was 3 years...longest relationship for B....10.5 months...that was the one he had with me. |
|
|
|
Post by stu on Sept 7, 2019 21:48:57 GMT
Had a cycle type back and forth with an FA for over a year. Always surprised that they end up circling back so many times, usually people just move on after some point. And each time it happened I didn't expect anything to happen between us again.
I also dated someone that was very AP before as well and that lasted about a year and a half. And was the opposite challenge, they would call me and try to keep me on the phone for hours scared I would cheat on them, and obsess over trying to look better than any other girl. Even got sick and lost a ton of weight over her stress about it.
Even though by the time we broke up she moved on relatively quickly and was married with a kid exactly a year later. The FA was the opposite end of the spectrum and just shuts me out when she gets too close and constantly tried to keep me at arm's length in different ways to never build a strong attachment in the first place. Though she's still dependent on me in her own way as well. Because she can't ever let me go fully. Part of me feels maybe she keeps her attraction to me higher by doing that too, because she never gets too close and comfortable to where she starts getting "bored" either.
Both girls strick red hot when they are feelings things and connected, but one would flip from hot and cold, and the other hot to anxious and stressed. Both were on the deeper end of insecure. I dated a couple secures as well. But those didn't last for other more common reasons.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2019 21:57:58 GMT
First FA partner was only 2-3 months, then another 3 months unofficially on/off (downgraded), then another 4 months of an emotionally intimate friendship without benefits that everyone else thought was us still dating (downgraded again). He'd previously had an incredibly long relationship, maybe 7 years?, but it sounded like it was so long because he dragged for so long on committing-- and it ended not that long after he finally did commit. Sounds to me like either his ex was very AP to begin with, or became very AP once he committed but was still emotionally distant and nothing really changed. Second FA ex, things were really, really great for about 7 months (no anxiety for me!), then he deactivated and we broke up after a year. That was his longest relationship, and we were committed the entire year. Then after about a year of no contact we tried again for 9 months, but he wouldn't fully commit most of it and once he did he changed his mind within a couple weeks and ended it. He had a girlfriend after me for 8 months but they were already unstable (which I'm defining in that case as almost broke up one of many times) within two months. Recent casual dating with FA was 3 months, and then I ended it due to his lack of commitment since I'm actually secure now and I've learned my lesson  He'd had a past relationship for several years, but it sounded very rocky for a lot of it and I'm not sure how long it was "stable" for at the beginning. |
|
|
|
Post by stu on Sept 7, 2019 22:27:49 GMT
First FA partner was only 2-3 months, then another 3 months unofficially on/off (downgraded), then another 4 months of an emotionally intimate friendship without benefits that everyone else thought was us still dating (downgraded again). He'd previously had an incredibly long relationship, maybe 7 years?, but it sounded like it was so long because he dragged for so long on committing-- and it ended not that long after he finally did commit. Sounds to me like either his ex was very AP to begin with, or became very AP once he committed but was still emotionally distant and nothing really changed. Second FA ex, things were really, really great for about 7 months (no anxiety for me!), then he deactivated and we broke up after a year. That was his longest relationship, and we were committed the entire year. Then after about a year of no contact we tried again for 9 months, but he wouldn't fully commit most of it and once he did he changed his mind within a couple weeks and ended it. He had a girlfriend after me for 8 months but they were already unstable (which I'm defining in that case as almost broke up one of many times) within two months. Recent casual dating with FA was 3 months, and then I ended it due to his lack of commitment since I'm actually secure now and I've learned my lesson He'd had a past relationship for several years, but it sounded very rocky for a lot of it and I'm not sure how long it was "stable" for at the beginning. Wow glad you are doing better with feeling secure now, but 3 FAs in a row? That's an interesting coincidence. I dated many different types of girls, before I found someone like the recent FA. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2019 22:57:11 GMT
stu, not in a row, was just covering the 3 in my life I've seen for any actual amount of time. And dating insecures when you are insecure isn't a coincidence 
|
|
|
|
Post by elizincali on Sept 7, 2019 23:57:25 GMT
this is a helpful post, thank you. it’s been just over a year of on/off who knows what to call it with my FA, who cycles back and forth and has issues with intimacy (and i have issues with accepting what isn’t making me happy). Alexandra, i’m curious about your first FA, whom you said was emotionally intimate in the end. Does that mean he cut off physical intimacy with you but you remained on good terms? i am considering reaching that with my FA who as you know has been intimate only 2 times this whole 2019. Did you end a friendship with that person? Was it difficult to downgrade as you say? or a natural progression? i am still so confused and unable to let go ...
thanks to all. sorry to hijack the post ...
|
|
|
|
Post by elizincali on Sept 7, 2019 23:59:47 GMT
Stu, your description of your FA is on the money, wow. the shutting out, the arms length, the never fully letting go. it’s exactly my situation. May i ask if there is physical intimacy or did that person limit that as well?
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 8, 2019 1:04:26 GMT
this is a helpful post, thank you. it’s been just over a year of on/off who knows what to call it with my FA, who cycles back and forth and has issues with intimacy (and i have issues with accepting what isn’t making me happy). Alexandra, i’m curious about your first FA, whom you said was emotionally intimate in the end. Does that mean he cut off physical intimacy with you but you remained on good terms? i am considering reaching that with my FA who as you know has been intimate only 2 times this whole 2019. Did you end a friendship with that person? Was it difficult to downgrade as you say? or a natural progression? i am still so confused and unable to let go ... thanks to all. sorry to hijack the post ... Yes, we stopped being physically intimate but stayed such close friends, probably with poor boundaries, that everywhere we went everyone assumed we were still together based on how we acted. It drove me kind of crazy (triggered), but then we ended up not living in the same area for a while. We still visited from time to time, but the distance allowed me to get over it. When we were back in the same city for good, we both met other partners, and have stayed friends for many years. He's still quite FA, which means sometimes he's a good friend and sometimes he's a total flake, and he is who he is. It doesn't bother me at all either way. We're not super close now, but we were BOTH committed to staying friends. If it was mostly me driving it while triggered, it would have never worked at all. Though if I wasn't triggered and AP then, I probably wouldn't have put up with the downgrading. |
|
|
|
Post by stu on Sept 8, 2019 1:26:07 GMT
Stu, your description of your FA is on the money, wow. the shutting out, the arms length, the never fully letting go. it’s exactly my situation. May i ask if there is physical intimacy or did that person limit that as well? There was plenty of physical intimacy but it was something that waxed and waned. Sometimes it was a lot, and other times they would barely touch me. A lot of times they wouldn't even want to kiss or get uncomfortable being touched too much looking vsey guarded and visibly rigid, and other times almost acting hyper sexual. For the longest time knowing them too physical intimacy stopped at a certain kind of place , and it took a long time before we actually had sex. They would always stop it after a certain point of getting heavier. I noticed that the pattern seemed like a way for them to control their feelings and keep themselves from feeling too much . |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Sept 8, 2019 6:02:16 GMT
Nine years. I shut it down, pushed it as far down as I could. I had therapy twice. Exclusive, engaged, married, child, (which I didn’t have a normal reaction to), joint bank accounts... but selling my house and getting into more debt was the thing I couldn’t cope with. It was the last thing, my last thing, and it came with regularity. Yep, I cut sex off. I felt she was using it as a tool for another child so we would have to move. There were few arguments, and less making up. It all built up with no outlet. There were times I couldn’t even look at her. I felt like I was being ordered around and that I was a nothing. It’s half true, but attachment theory explains it all to me. I’m a textbook fearful avoidant.
Post divorce I had another “relationship” and I didn’t shove anything down. It all played out loudly and that’s how I’m here. My very first posts are at the end of that “relationship”.
|
|
|
|
Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 19, 2019 0:00:49 GMT
Nine years. I shut it down, pushed it as far down as I could. I had therapy twice. Exclusive, engaged, married, child, (which I didn’t have a normal reaction to), joint bank accounts... but selling my house and getting into more debt was the thing I couldn’t cope with. It was the last thing, my last thing, and it came with regularity. Yep, I cut sex off. I felt she was using it as a tool for another child so we would have to move. There were few arguments, and less making up. It all built up with no outlet. There were times I couldn’t even look at her. I felt like I was being ordered around and that I was a nothing. It’s half true, but attachment theory explains it all to me. I’m a textbook fearful avoidant. Post divorce I had another “relationship” and I didn’t shove anything down. It all played out loudly and that’s how I’m here. My very first posts are at the end of that “relationship”. What do you think contributed to the length? Of those years, when do you remember being content? Ever? Than you for responding. I am going to look at your posts! |
|
He'd had a past relationship for several years, but it sounded very rocky for a lot of it and I'm not sure how long it was "stable" for at the beginning. 