How I Healed My AP
Sept 11, 2019 15:09:10 GMT
via mobile
happyidiot, selfhealer, and 1 more like this
Post by maryk on Sept 11, 2019 15:09:10 GMT
I’ve been a long time lurker of these boards after being in an incredibly triggering relationship with an FA, but the details about him or what happened don’t matter. What matters is how truly painful being AP can be- physically, emotionally, mentally, it really beats you up. The inner turmoil it causes breaks my heart and causes unbearable suffering that takes over your life for months if not years.
I’ve been with a DA before and to tell you the truth, I’m not too bothered by them. DAs I find pretty straight forward. once it was time to end things, I felt no need to go back or that there needed to be any closure. The FA though turned my life upside down with the lovebombing and hot and cold. I was a wreck. I literally couldn’t take it anymore but couldn’t let go. I spiraled into general anxiety and depression, I lost weight, I nearly lost my job. I went to talk therapy which for me personally didn’t help too much. I understood all the ins and outs of things consciously and rationally but being AP is so deeply subconscious and ingrained into the nervous system.
So for myself and you guys, I tried some “alternative” approaches so please keep an open mind. Some of it may seem overboard or too out there, but I was willing to try ANYTHING to get my AP under control and I will confirm ALL of them worked. Now my AP thoughts, tendencies, related anxiety, and reactions are nothing more than a muted feeling. There is plenty of information on the internet about all of these healing types but I’m happy to answer questions on the forum or privately about anything listed below. I have no doubt many of them would be helpful for avoidants as well, but I am speaking from an AP POV.
1. Mdma therapy: It’s simple. You take some molly and lie down and close your eyes. Mdma therapy has a very high success rate with curing ptsd and at the end of the day, I think many of our attachment wounds are very similar if not the same to ptsd/cptsd . I did one session of this and it gave me so much compassion for myself and my FA ex. It also kind of spiritually awoke me. I have never been religious or spiritual but I felt very connected to everything and everyone.The universal life force as they say. Afterwards I felt calm, less triggered by the FAs antics, and at peace. I’m kind of kicking myself bc I only did this once and I think if I had actually done a few more sessions this would have absolutely been a huge game changer long term. Problem is it’s hard to find molly and I didn’t want to rely on finding a drug in order to treat myself long term. I have no doubt this will go mainstream in the next 10 years or so based on the clinical trials they’re conducting. I highly recommend this. The effects after the drug initially wears off are palpable right away. www.verywellmind.com/can-mdma-ecstasy-treat-ptsd-1123858
2. If #1 didn’t scare you off, this one might. Ayahuasca. Yep. I literally went down to the Amazon jungle and drank what tasted like a tobacco smoothie consisting of a psychedelic vine and listened to shamans sing and chant while I cried and puked my brains out. But guess what, I felt like a million bucks after and emotionally light as a feather. Ayahuasca essentially acts as a giant detox to get the issues out of your tissues. It helped me see and clear so much pain, self limiting beliefs, and trauma from my body. A lot of the ceremony for most people is purging. But it feels like your purging everything toxic from your body physically and emotionally and then literally rewires your brain (in a good way). Again this was extreme but let me tell you, it is like 10 years of therapy in one night. Where I messed up on this one was letting everything go that limited me minus the FA. As soon as I got back he started triggering me again, but this time I had the strength and resolve to let that man go and was able to do it easily. The key to doing ayahuasca is finding the right place to do it. It is 100% not something you do on your own and needs to be with very experienced guides where you feel safe. Ayahuasca you need to be brave, but I very highly recommend. It did so much good in a very short time frame for me. chacruna.net/6-ways-ayahuasca-works-like-good-trauma-therapist/
3. After a few months after doing ayahuasca I felt like I needed a tune up. I hold a lot of emotional gunk and anxiety in my diaphragm area and it physically feels heavy and uncomfortable and I wanted it cleared so I found a good reiki practitioner. Again, don’t ask yourself if you believe in this stuff. Just ask yourself if you want to be healed and feel better. That’s it. One reiki session cleared the heaviness and I was blown away. She told me I was carrying a lot shame and unworthiness in my diaphragm area and she helped clear the negative energy associated with that. I asked her how I can keep this up and she told me I can learn reiki and practice it on myself. It’s for everyone and anyone can learn it. I think this is probably the most important tool an AP can have in their toolbox- a way to self soothe. It may not come across this way, but I am a skeptic and a month later I went to a different practitioner to see if the other practitioner/ session was a fluke. This woman did a combination of reiki and something called Integrated Energy Therapy. After this session I did not feel calm and relaxed. In fact I felt awful. She also told me I had a lot of shame as well as a deep store of suppressed anger, and resentment (which I no doubt still had for my FA ex deep down). What I realized had happened was that she helped those feelings rise to the surface and 3 days later I felt like a different person when they were cleared. I was calm, at ease, untriggered by the FA who still kept trying to come back (and then disappear), happy.
4. I took the steps to get certified in reiki and IET. Again, before this I had no spiritual affiliation or practice, and couldn’t meditate or do yoga for shit bc my mind would be spinning and filled with self doubt. I’m as mainstream as they come and I don’t think you necessarily need to believe in the spiritual details of either of these modalities, you just have to believe it works and be on a quest for self healing. So if you want skip the intensity of doing ayahuasca or have inhibitions about doing mdma, I truly think as an AP doing any type of energy channeling therapy (acupuncture, IET, reiki, magnified healing, crystals, etc) is the golden ticket. More importantly learning to do it yourself and having a way to self soothe is so incredibly life changing. It really was not hard to learn and once you get attuned it can start working immediately.
www.lifelikeyoumeanit.com/3-ways-reiki-saved-my-life/
www.learniet.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Change-your-Life-with-Integrated-Energy-Therapy.pdf
Now I have the tools to self sooth, feel the traumas of childhood that have led me to being AP are for the most part healed and Im connected with my inner child. It all helped me let go of what doesn’t serve me, including insecure partners. Before when I’d let the FA go I would be filled with anxiety, doubt, longing, fantasy about reconciliation. But not now. The energy therapy gave me a better sense of higher purpose, self confidence, and feeling I have better control of myself. I am dating a secure now which I will confirm is nice but can hella boring but I’m working through that with relative ease.
I can only speak from my experience, but if you really want to heal and not wait years and years, these things all helped. I was very committed to healing, but I couldn’t do it on my own. Most importantly I just wanted to show there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel if you truly want to heal. In the beginning of the year I was an absolute mess that needed to do something quickly before I sunk so deep that I couldn't climb out.The AP, anxiety and depression were quite intertwined for me and now all of them are very much in check. If I can help just one person before they get to the point that I did, then this post was worth it.
I’ve been with a DA before and to tell you the truth, I’m not too bothered by them. DAs I find pretty straight forward. once it was time to end things, I felt no need to go back or that there needed to be any closure. The FA though turned my life upside down with the lovebombing and hot and cold. I was a wreck. I literally couldn’t take it anymore but couldn’t let go. I spiraled into general anxiety and depression, I lost weight, I nearly lost my job. I went to talk therapy which for me personally didn’t help too much. I understood all the ins and outs of things consciously and rationally but being AP is so deeply subconscious and ingrained into the nervous system.
So for myself and you guys, I tried some “alternative” approaches so please keep an open mind. Some of it may seem overboard or too out there, but I was willing to try ANYTHING to get my AP under control and I will confirm ALL of them worked. Now my AP thoughts, tendencies, related anxiety, and reactions are nothing more than a muted feeling. There is plenty of information on the internet about all of these healing types but I’m happy to answer questions on the forum or privately about anything listed below. I have no doubt many of them would be helpful for avoidants as well, but I am speaking from an AP POV.
1. Mdma therapy: It’s simple. You take some molly and lie down and close your eyes. Mdma therapy has a very high success rate with curing ptsd and at the end of the day, I think many of our attachment wounds are very similar if not the same to ptsd/cptsd . I did one session of this and it gave me so much compassion for myself and my FA ex. It also kind of spiritually awoke me. I have never been religious or spiritual but I felt very connected to everything and everyone.The universal life force as they say. Afterwards I felt calm, less triggered by the FAs antics, and at peace. I’m kind of kicking myself bc I only did this once and I think if I had actually done a few more sessions this would have absolutely been a huge game changer long term. Problem is it’s hard to find molly and I didn’t want to rely on finding a drug in order to treat myself long term. I have no doubt this will go mainstream in the next 10 years or so based on the clinical trials they’re conducting. I highly recommend this. The effects after the drug initially wears off are palpable right away. www.verywellmind.com/can-mdma-ecstasy-treat-ptsd-1123858
2. If #1 didn’t scare you off, this one might. Ayahuasca. Yep. I literally went down to the Amazon jungle and drank what tasted like a tobacco smoothie consisting of a psychedelic vine and listened to shamans sing and chant while I cried and puked my brains out. But guess what, I felt like a million bucks after and emotionally light as a feather. Ayahuasca essentially acts as a giant detox to get the issues out of your tissues. It helped me see and clear so much pain, self limiting beliefs, and trauma from my body. A lot of the ceremony for most people is purging. But it feels like your purging everything toxic from your body physically and emotionally and then literally rewires your brain (in a good way). Again this was extreme but let me tell you, it is like 10 years of therapy in one night. Where I messed up on this one was letting everything go that limited me minus the FA. As soon as I got back he started triggering me again, but this time I had the strength and resolve to let that man go and was able to do it easily. The key to doing ayahuasca is finding the right place to do it. It is 100% not something you do on your own and needs to be with very experienced guides where you feel safe. Ayahuasca you need to be brave, but I very highly recommend. It did so much good in a very short time frame for me. chacruna.net/6-ways-ayahuasca-works-like-good-trauma-therapist/
3. After a few months after doing ayahuasca I felt like I needed a tune up. I hold a lot of emotional gunk and anxiety in my diaphragm area and it physically feels heavy and uncomfortable and I wanted it cleared so I found a good reiki practitioner. Again, don’t ask yourself if you believe in this stuff. Just ask yourself if you want to be healed and feel better. That’s it. One reiki session cleared the heaviness and I was blown away. She told me I was carrying a lot shame and unworthiness in my diaphragm area and she helped clear the negative energy associated with that. I asked her how I can keep this up and she told me I can learn reiki and practice it on myself. It’s for everyone and anyone can learn it. I think this is probably the most important tool an AP can have in their toolbox- a way to self soothe. It may not come across this way, but I am a skeptic and a month later I went to a different practitioner to see if the other practitioner/ session was a fluke. This woman did a combination of reiki and something called Integrated Energy Therapy. After this session I did not feel calm and relaxed. In fact I felt awful. She also told me I had a lot of shame as well as a deep store of suppressed anger, and resentment (which I no doubt still had for my FA ex deep down). What I realized had happened was that she helped those feelings rise to the surface and 3 days later I felt like a different person when they were cleared. I was calm, at ease, untriggered by the FA who still kept trying to come back (and then disappear), happy.
4. I took the steps to get certified in reiki and IET. Again, before this I had no spiritual affiliation or practice, and couldn’t meditate or do yoga for shit bc my mind would be spinning and filled with self doubt. I’m as mainstream as they come and I don’t think you necessarily need to believe in the spiritual details of either of these modalities, you just have to believe it works and be on a quest for self healing. So if you want skip the intensity of doing ayahuasca or have inhibitions about doing mdma, I truly think as an AP doing any type of energy channeling therapy (acupuncture, IET, reiki, magnified healing, crystals, etc) is the golden ticket. More importantly learning to do it yourself and having a way to self soothe is so incredibly life changing. It really was not hard to learn and once you get attuned it can start working immediately.
www.lifelikeyoumeanit.com/3-ways-reiki-saved-my-life/
www.learniet.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Change-your-Life-with-Integrated-Energy-Therapy.pdf
Now I have the tools to self sooth, feel the traumas of childhood that have led me to being AP are for the most part healed and Im connected with my inner child. It all helped me let go of what doesn’t serve me, including insecure partners. Before when I’d let the FA go I would be filled with anxiety, doubt, longing, fantasy about reconciliation. But not now. The energy therapy gave me a better sense of higher purpose, self confidence, and feeling I have better control of myself. I am dating a secure now which I will confirm is nice but can hella boring but I’m working through that with relative ease.
I can only speak from my experience, but if you really want to heal and not wait years and years, these things all helped. I was very committed to healing, but I couldn’t do it on my own. Most importantly I just wanted to show there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel if you truly want to heal. In the beginning of the year I was an absolute mess that needed to do something quickly before I sunk so deep that I couldn't climb out.The AP, anxiety and depression were quite intertwined for me and now all of them are very much in check. If I can help just one person before they get to the point that I did, then this post was worth it.