Post by spilterum on Jul 14, 2017 15:53:08 GMT
This is all before I realized what I was dealing with. He stood me up for a date he had planned and arranged after a “deep meaningful” conversation based around his upcoming move and him not being sure what I want. I let him know I care very much, about both him and his son, I am utterly attached he has just never asked so I didn't want to pressure him. He got excited, affectionate and he wanted to further the conversation the next night, we agreed on a time. I ended up driving 45 minutes to an empty house after he had been texting me all day with no hint of needing to change plans. All in all, I ended up waiting over an hour in 100+ heat waiting for him to respond, text, show up – something. This is the 4th or 5th time he’s done this disappearing act on me, all after emotionally charged conversations. I’ve been calm throughout and expressed my needs that he let me know if he needs to change plans, no questions asked.
This experience really peaked for me, though. After him ignoring me for a few days I texted how I felt like this was a cruel joke to him, how if he didn’t want anything to do with me all he had to do was let me know, how I’m deserving of at least a text to say he doesn’t want to hear from me, how the hot-cold emotional whiplash is driving me nuts, and asking if this is really how he wants to leave things with me. This sounds more serious than how I phrased it, I used a lot of funny idioms as metaphors for behavior because I’ve noticed it breaks up the emotion for him (ex: this is as annoying as a stripper’s sweaty glitter; you change directions faster than a lost fat kid at a cake party; this emotional whiplash is like a lame Van Halen concert I wasn't aware I was going to, etc.).
Now that I’ve been reflecting on it for the past week, I’m having an AH-HA moment here – he is FA, of course! Totally makes sense based on his behaviors and his past, this random move that came up out of nowhere. I realize there is no way we can have a stable relationship. I am secure enough to know my needs, I have been incredibly flexible and patient while I have asked for them, I have established bare-minimum boundaries with him, and he is unable to meet them. This hurts, but it's fine, I still care very much for him, but I need to also protect and find happiness for myself – to me this is just how the world is sometimes. I would love to give him a few more months to work this out on his own, like I’ve done before – but there is simply no time with the upcoming move.
I guess my biggest issue here is his son. I am quite attached to him and he is attached to me. While I can understand and respect his father’s inconsistency (he has been erradic since we first became intimate in December, our relationship has no real label purely based on not pressuring him), I do want to say goodbye to his son. I feel an obligation here that is in contrast to the respect I feel for the Dad’s need for emotional distance. I feel this kid deserves to not just have me disappear from his life without warning or reason (like others have in his and his father’s life). I’d like to just have a nice goodbye evening where I take him to mini-golf or something, so he doesn’t feel like I abandoned him or didn't care about him. I’d like to show that leaving is not always traumatic, mean, unhappy, etc. I’d like to establish a good representation that even if you have to leave someone/a relationship, there can still be good feelings. I’d also like to calmly tell my semi-SO that I do care about him deeply, and everything is okay. I’m not mad, I'm confused and he doesn't have the answers; and that's fine, I can deal with it. Text if you ever feel like it, call me if you ever need help, etc. We don’t have to be best friends, but know that someone out there cares for you and I will be have in whatever capacity best fits your needs and mine.
I’m struggling here, with my personal wants and needs and respect for the father’s need for space when he is being avoidant (ignoring/not responding). I am debating showing up at his house – which in normal cases I REALLY dislike doing. If there was no existing relationship with the kid, I would let it go and maybe try to text in a few months casually to reinstate semi contact. I really care about both of them, and I know my SO cares for me as much as he is able to, I venture to say he loves me in his own way. I would absolutely be able to not make things weird (from my side), and let everything go (like I have done consistently in the past), and just be there to help calm whatever this is before they leave.
Is there a way or am I just being crazy here? Would it just be overwhelming and disrespectful for me to show up? I feel like if I text, based on his son only, it may come across as manipulative. I need some advice on how to handle, or not handle this. Thank you in advance!
This experience really peaked for me, though. After him ignoring me for a few days I texted how I felt like this was a cruel joke to him, how if he didn’t want anything to do with me all he had to do was let me know, how I’m deserving of at least a text to say he doesn’t want to hear from me, how the hot-cold emotional whiplash is driving me nuts, and asking if this is really how he wants to leave things with me. This sounds more serious than how I phrased it, I used a lot of funny idioms as metaphors for behavior because I’ve noticed it breaks up the emotion for him (ex: this is as annoying as a stripper’s sweaty glitter; you change directions faster than a lost fat kid at a cake party; this emotional whiplash is like a lame Van Halen concert I wasn't aware I was going to, etc.).
Now that I’ve been reflecting on it for the past week, I’m having an AH-HA moment here – he is FA, of course! Totally makes sense based on his behaviors and his past, this random move that came up out of nowhere. I realize there is no way we can have a stable relationship. I am secure enough to know my needs, I have been incredibly flexible and patient while I have asked for them, I have established bare-minimum boundaries with him, and he is unable to meet them. This hurts, but it's fine, I still care very much for him, but I need to also protect and find happiness for myself – to me this is just how the world is sometimes. I would love to give him a few more months to work this out on his own, like I’ve done before – but there is simply no time with the upcoming move.
I guess my biggest issue here is his son. I am quite attached to him and he is attached to me. While I can understand and respect his father’s inconsistency (he has been erradic since we first became intimate in December, our relationship has no real label purely based on not pressuring him), I do want to say goodbye to his son. I feel an obligation here that is in contrast to the respect I feel for the Dad’s need for emotional distance. I feel this kid deserves to not just have me disappear from his life without warning or reason (like others have in his and his father’s life). I’d like to just have a nice goodbye evening where I take him to mini-golf or something, so he doesn’t feel like I abandoned him or didn't care about him. I’d like to show that leaving is not always traumatic, mean, unhappy, etc. I’d like to establish a good representation that even if you have to leave someone/a relationship, there can still be good feelings. I’d also like to calmly tell my semi-SO that I do care about him deeply, and everything is okay. I’m not mad, I'm confused and he doesn't have the answers; and that's fine, I can deal with it. Text if you ever feel like it, call me if you ever need help, etc. We don’t have to be best friends, but know that someone out there cares for you and I will be have in whatever capacity best fits your needs and mine.
I’m struggling here, with my personal wants and needs and respect for the father’s need for space when he is being avoidant (ignoring/not responding). I am debating showing up at his house – which in normal cases I REALLY dislike doing. If there was no existing relationship with the kid, I would let it go and maybe try to text in a few months casually to reinstate semi contact. I really care about both of them, and I know my SO cares for me as much as he is able to, I venture to say he loves me in his own way. I would absolutely be able to not make things weird (from my side), and let everything go (like I have done consistently in the past), and just be there to help calm whatever this is before they leave.
Is there a way or am I just being crazy here? Would it just be overwhelming and disrespectful for me to show up? I feel like if I text, based on his son only, it may come across as manipulative. I need some advice on how to handle, or not handle this. Thank you in advance!
