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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 12, 2019 7:25:44 GMT
It's now the 3rd time since knowing him that my ex has pulled away. We had a few month intervals and everything in btwn has been awesome.
The times apart, you can see him hovering on social media watching me. First time he ran, he would watch my IG stories, like my photos every so often but refuse to talk to me. This went on for a few months. I never knew why he split and ran until months later when he split the 2nd time and finally told me of the first reason.
I've worked on myself after the 2nd split (I was anxious around the holidays) and sent him a needy text when he pulled back slight and of course, he said he didn't do well w/ "that stuff" and said he had to concentrate on work and cut me off completely. Again no contact but liking photos here and there esp the major one where I said I was leaving for a month and taking a hiatus... Of course he liked that post bc I was leaving! We were not communicating but yet he liked that.
Fast forward a few months...started seeing one another again. I was SUPER secure this time around and we had been having great dates...he did a grand gesture for my birthday...pulled out all the stops, expensive romantic dinner, super into me, affectionate, sweet, romantic..everything we ever were and could be.... then 2 days later BOOM text about us not sleeping together which led into "i just am going to concentrate fully on work" which meant, we were not seeing one another again and he was wishing me well... telling me to keep "living the dream" WTF.
Now...I'm annoyed.. but I do want to see if there's a shot here while guarding my heart....
How would I go about making him realize what he's lost /aka miss me? No contact? Yes assuming. BUT in No contact, do I block him from seeing my social media posts OR let him see I'm living the life?
He's seen everything in the past then liked stuff every few weeks but maybe he needs a harsh NC where he can't be apart of my life even on social.
I did that month long hiatus away and like I said, he liked the post where I was leaving but I don't know how much it effected him. IT def helped me clear my soul from his heart ache but now after us months of dating and things going very well, we're back to where we were.
Please share some thoughts and advice. What has worked for you?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2019 8:14:13 GMT
I'm FA. If I were to project through my own lenses, and we all are individualities so it doesn't have to be accurate, if there's nothing more than what you're saying, his last deactivation was because of his insecurities.
If I were him, I'd already subconsciously miss you but feared it won't last for whatever reason, that you'll reject me so it's safer to run away.
I'm not saying you should chase him. But blocking when there's already (!) distance would assure me in my belief.
You can't do anything, if he's FA and he wants you, he'll come around and... leave again.
I don't know how it works myself, after getting involved with a fellow FA and it made me unsure of my own patterns. I worked on my attachment, he didn't. The cycles got shorter and shorter.
You shouldn't be figuring out how to make him come back but how to make him stay. And you can't figure that out because it has nothing to do with you.
He has to become aware and to want to work on his relationships.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 12, 2019 8:27:37 GMT
sunkissed123 Unfriend/unfollow him on social media and stop torturing yourself. Move on. That is the best option whether you want someone back or not. Then if he comes back and reaches out at some point you can decide at that time if you still want what he is offering. If he doesn't come back, you'll be feeling better anyway. You can't MAKE him realize or do anything. You might go no contact and he might just feel a sense of relief and think you don't even care. Or he might just come back and then get triggered avoidant again. In my experience when there is a pattern of ghosting or breakups this doesn't improve unless someone is actively working on their attachment issues and has self-insight. I am FA and have dated a few. Guess we aren't so rare.
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 9:57:11 GMT
It's now the 3rd time since knowing him that my ex has pulled away. We had a few month intervals and everything in btwn has been awesome. The times apart, you can see him hovering on social media watching me. First time he ran, he would watch my IG stories, like my photos every so often but refuse to talk to me. This went on for a few months. I never knew why he split and ran until months later when he split the 2nd time and finally told me of the first reason. I've worked on myself after the 2nd split (I was anxious around the holidays) and sent him a needy text when he pulled back slight and of course, he said he didn't do well w/ "that stuff" and said he had to concentrate on work and cut me off completely. Again no contact but liking photos here and there esp the major one where I said I was leaving for a month and taking a hiatus... Of course he liked that post bc I was leaving! We were not communicating but yet he liked that. Fast forward a few months...started seeing one another again. I was SUPER secure this time around and we had been having great dates...he did a grand gesture for my birthday...pulled out all the stops, expensive romantic dinner, super into me, affectionate, sweet, romantic..everything we ever were and could be.... then 2 days later BOOM text about us not sleeping together which led into "i just am going to concentrate fully on work" which meant, we were not seeing one another again and he was wishing me well... telling me to keep "living the dream" WTF. Now...I'm annoyed.. but I do want to see if there's a shot here while guarding my heart.... How would I go about making him realize what he's lost /aka miss me? No contact? Yes assuming. BUT in No contact, do I block him from seeing my social media posts OR let him see I'm living the life? He's seen everything in the past then liked stuff every few weeks but maybe he needs a harsh NC where he can't be apart of my life even on social. I did that month long hiatus away and like I said, he liked the post where I was leaving but I don't know how much it effected him. IT def helped me clear my soul from his heart ache but now after us months of dating and things going very well, we're back to where we were. Please share some thoughts and advice. What has worked for you? I agree with the responses above who are giving you invaluable insight. I would also explore trauma bonds. If you have been traumatized in your past by male figures leaving your life (as you mentioned in your other post) it is possible you are recreating trauma that feels familiar to you, all ending with a male figure leaving your life. This is could be a sign of your unhealed past trauma; addicted to the familiarity/the trauma and wanting to win/ change the outcome of an impossible situation (he has told you several times he cannot do this, he has shown you via actions he cannot be consistent) . I hope you consider NC, work on doubling down on your own healing, figuring out more about yourself and less on what would bring him back. |
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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 12, 2019 16:54:00 GMT
Thanks all. Yes, I've had certain trauma happen to me but I don't think I go into relationships thinking all fail or all men will leave. I want to build a lasting relationship which is why I'm actually gunning for him and can see the true good in him too. I don't want to be the type to just block him and avoid him because to me that would be going back on my word of always being there for someone. He's been through ALOT too. Having the only relationship after growing up a hopeless romantnic only fail, his wife abuse him, his business fail, his father cutting him out of the inheritance and giving only to his twin and his sister, getting into a head on collision which had him bed ridden and in pain for so long. When we met he said he was working on himself to get to 100% both physically and in business. It was his fear that he wouldn't have enough time for a relationship due to the business. Maybe in time he would come around when he was secure in business? Maybe he'd move on to someone else? I know what we had was super unique and magic. After our first breakup in one of my letters, when he wouldn't respond, I said "If you want to go out and try to find someone else like me and that magic again, you never will" He always mentioned bc of our pasts and present (all hobbies, interests, beliefs, religion) how perfect we were and how I was the perfect girl for him... This round, he didn't mention ANYTHING about telling me I should move on, or that he needs to move on. Like I said there was no reason to. It was all awesome and more so him deciding to run when things were good.... "Thank you for the wonderful times but I should move on" (said that one the second time back around the holidays) but instead just said "I'm going to buckle down and really concentrate on work"...no mention of us, no mention of anything.... When I asked him in the phone call prior to that letter, I said, so what happens, we see other people? I asked him twice and he was like "I can't tell you what to do. I'm not. I'm just going to focus on work" Maybe he feels he can't give me what I need or will need in life. He doesn't have much. He is starting his business from scratch. He has a young daughter. He is living w/ his mother.....He knows or has known all along I want to have kids. In the beginning he even said our kids would be adorable. Meanwhile his twin has a brand new house , is married, has the inheritance from his dad...There's alot... Maybe me actually sleeping over with him triggered along of feelings and TOO much closeless? Like now what? I would have been happy continuing how we were, talking and going out on dates. I will let go in the sense of healing , trying not to worry about outcome but I don't think I should just BAIL on him as a person either. Maybe that love will blossom and he will see how I have been there for him. I won't lie. It's confusing. He promised to make me a surfboard since as I said that's his business....he promised this months ago, then again when we got back 2nd round....but seems he'd only put his list of people of orders before me even though I was there from the VERY beginning w/ the business...watched him build his shaping area, took pictures of him shaping, even tried to get him on a reality show. We were working hard on it all together. Maybe though it's partially due to being overwhelmed and trying to succeed. Who knows.... Any other feedback is appreciated  Thank you! |
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 18:23:36 GMT
Thanks all. Yes, I've had certain trauma happen to me but I don't think I go into relationships thinking all fail or all men will leave. I want to build a lasting relationship which is why I'm actually gunning for him and can see the true good in him too. I don't want to be the type to just block him and avoid him because to me that would be going back on my word of always being there for someone. He's been through ALOT too. Having the only relationship after growing up a hopeless romantnic only fail, his wife abuse him, his business fail, his father cutting him out of the inheritance and giving only to his twin and his sister, getting into a head on collision which had him bed ridden and in pain for so long. When we met he said he was working on himself to get to 100% both physically and in business. It was his fear that he wouldn't have enough time for a relationship due to the business. Maybe in time he would come around when he was secure in business? Maybe he'd move on to someone else? I know what we had was super unique and magic. After our first breakup in one of my letters, when he wouldn't respond, I said "If you want to go out and try to find someone else like me and that magic again, you never will" He always mentioned bc of our pasts and present (all hobbies, interests, beliefs, religion) how perfect we were and how I was the perfect girl for him... This round, he didn't mention ANYTHING about telling me I should move on, or that he needs to move on. Like I said there was no reason to. It was all awesome and more so him deciding to run when things were good.... "Thank you for the wonderful times but I should move on" (said that one the second time back around the holidays) but instead just said "I'm going to buckle down and really concentrate on work"...no mention of us, no mention of anything.... When I asked him in the phone call prior to that letter, I said, so what happens, we see other people? I asked him twice and he was like "I can't tell you what to do. I'm not. I'm just going to focus on work" Maybe he feels he can't give me what I need or will need in life. He doesn't have much. He is starting his business from scratch. He has a young daughter. He is living w/ his mother.....He knows or has known all along I want to have kids. In the beginning he even said our kids would be adorable. Meanwhile his twin has a brand new house , is married, has the inheritance from his dad...There's alot... Maybe me actually sleeping over with him triggered along of feelings and TOO much closeless? Like now what? I would have been happy continuing how we were, talking and going out on dates. I will let go in the sense of healing , trying not to worry about outcome but I don't think I should just BAIL on him as a person either. Maybe that love will blossom and he will see how I have been there for him. I won't lie. It's confusing. He promised to make me a surfboard since as I said that's his business....he promised this months ago, then again when we got back 2nd round....but seems he'd only put his list of people of orders before me even though I was there from the VERY beginning w/ the business...watched him build his shaping area, took pictures of him shaping, even tried to get him on a reality show. We were working hard on it all together. Maybe though it's partially due to being overwhelmed and trying to succeed. Who knows.... Any other feedback is appreciated Thank you! It feels as though unless the responses agree with your assessment, or are in support of you continuing with the suppression of your desires and needs, you aren’t appreciative of it. We have taken precious time out of our lives to read your story in hopes of helping you because we have struggled your struggles. Maybe come back and reread everyone’s replies in a few months, when you are ready to let it in. I can appreciate that you are new to this so it is possible we are giving you advice you aren’t ready to receive. Hope that you take the time to read others accounts, learn about yourself and continue your own healing. Best wishes. |
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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 12, 2019 18:30:00 GMT
No one said I wasn't appreciative at all or open to everyone's comments. I am. I understand I have things of the past that have happened to me and those losses are horrible. Having a boyfriend die of brain cancer, a brother pass suddenly, losing my cousin to suicide all in the same year have been horrid....
Please don't be rude to me either. I am super thankful for anyone even to take a moment from their lives. We all have things we are going through so I please ask you be nice.
I'm just trying my best to figure out the current guy's heart - that is all.
Thank you.
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Post by stu on Sept 12, 2019 19:20:24 GMT
I'm FA. If I were to project through my own lenses, and we all are individualities so it doesn't have to be accurate, if there's nothing more than what you're saying, his last deactivation was because of his insecurities. If I were him, I'd already subconsciously miss you but feared it won't last for whatever reason, that you'll reject me so it's safer to run away. I'm not saying you should chase him. But blocking when there's already (!) distance would assure me in my belief. You can't do anything, if he's FA and he wants you, he'll come around and... leave again. I don't know how it works myself, I was with a fellow FA and it made me unsure of my own patterns. I worked on my attachment, he didn't. The cycles got shorter and shorter. You shouldn't be figuring out how to make him come back but how to make him stay. And you can't figure that out because it has nothing to do with you. He has to become aware and to want to work on his relationships. As an FA yourself I'm curious, what drives the de activation and pulling away. If the other person acts very secure, and is somebody that is dependable and reliable who won't leave you? I was dating an FA recently who pulled away out of nowhere, after things were really great and we didn't have a single issue or challenge come up that entire time. Even told them after that I didn't mind them taking space and didn't want to end things or not see each other anymore. And understand they were going through things. Is there a sense of not wanting to re connect because of fear of what if? It's just interesting to me when in reality things would work very well, and there really wasn't anything to fear. I feel like I can demonstrate consistency all the time, and offer plenty support and encouragement through words and actions, but nothing I can do personally seems to change their inner patterns. Just don't know why the pattern continues when there's nothing bad going on. |
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 20:16:43 GMT
No one said I wasn't appreciative at all or open to everyone's comments. I am. I understand I have things of the past that have happened to me and those losses are horrible. Having a boyfriend die of brain cancer, a brother pass suddenly, losing my cousin to suicide all in the same year have been horrid.... Please don't be rude to me either. I am super thankful for anyone even to take a moment from their lives. We all have things we are going through so I please ask you be nice. I'm just trying my best to figure out the current guy's heart - that is all. Thank you. Dear sunkissed123, I don't agree with you. I don't believe I have been rude, my assessment is that you don't want to hear anything other than what you want to hear. Reread all your posts/threads. You want us to all read and empathize but you aren't open to hearing any critique or changing. Do you. I will no longer reply to your posts. |
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 20:30:22 GMT
I'm FA. If I were to project through my own lenses, and we all are individualities so it doesn't have to be accurate, if there's nothing more than what you're saying, his last deactivation was because of his insecurities. If I were him, I'd already subconsciously miss you but feared it won't last for whatever reason, that you'll reject me so it's safer to run away. I'm not saying you should chase him. But blocking when there's already (!) distance would assure me in my belief. You can't do anything, if he's FA and he wants you, he'll come around and... leave again. I don't know how it works myself, I was with a fellow FA and it made me unsure of my own patterns. I worked on my attachment, he didn't. The cycles got shorter and shorter. You shouldn't be figuring out how to make him come back but how to make him stay. And you can't figure that out because it has nothing to do with you. He has to become aware and to want to work on his relationships. As an FA yourself I'm curious, what drives the de activation and pulling away. If the other person acts very secure, and is somebody that is dependable and reliable who won't leave you? I was dating an FA recently who pulled away out of nowhere, after things were really great and we didn't have a single issue or challenge come up that entire time. Even told them after that I didn't mind them taking space and didn't want to end things or not see each other anymore. And understand they were going through things. Is there a sense of not wanting to re connect because of fear of what if? It's just interesting to me when in reality things would work very well, and there really wasn't anything to fear. I feel like I can demonstrate consistency all the time, and offer plenty support and encouragement through words and actions, but nothing I can do personally seems to change their inner patterns. Just don't know why the pattern continues when there's nothing bad going on. Hi stu, I am not FA but have read a lot about them and have a few friends who are FA. I have read somewhere that showing love/ dependability actually brings up deep wounds which can feel really unfamiliar and uncomfortable for an FA. It took me a full year to actually understand, (no matter how many times i read it) to truly understand that as humans, we just process emotions differently. I kept on projecting what I would want and how I would feel and could not grasp the concept that, there is nothing wrong with my FA friend. What made me feel good made him feel uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. And his actions were no reflection of what I did or my self worth, it was a reflection of what he is going through. I love him as is. So I just let him go, knowing that his deactivation has nothing to do with me and isn't for me to manipulate or control. I think we can all exist and love without having to chase anyone to feel worthy. Hope this helps. |
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Post by stu on Sept 12, 2019 20:46:30 GMT
As an FA yourself I'm curious, what drives the de activation and pulling away. If the other person acts very secure, and is somebody that is dependable and reliable who won't leave you? I was dating an FA recently who pulled away out of nowhere, after things were really great and we didn't have a single issue or challenge come up that entire time. Even told them after that I didn't mind them taking space and didn't want to end things or not see each other anymore. And understand they were going through things. Is there a sense of not wanting to re connect because of fear of what if? It's just interesting to me when in reality things would work very well, and there really wasn't anything to fear. I feel like I can demonstrate consistency all the time, and offer plenty support and encouragement through words and actions, but nothing I can do personally seems to change their inner patterns. Just don't know why the pattern continues when there's nothing bad going on. I don't know anymore. I don't remember much from my past. I spent recent years with FA where I had no sense of reliability, only glimpses here and there. My bet is, it didn't feel safe or it was overwhelming, for whatever reason. It is self-imposed. I think security of a partner matters only in a long term and when one can control their reactions. Your question about reconnection, it depends on the dynamic, the connection, why they left, how it played out. Honestly, in most cases I didn't reconnect because I wasn't connected in the first place. There was no fear, I felt sentiment but overall, reconnection wasn't worth it. My "ex", he fears rejection and overthinks before he does it, it's only my suspicion. PS: I've noticed some people analyse months worth relationships. I don't attach that quickly. I connected and liked my ex the very second I met him, but not looking back 6 months after that would have been easy. Interesting thank you for the insight. It's helpful to try and understand things from another perspective. |
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Post by stu on Sept 12, 2019 20:48:28 GMT
As an FA yourself I'm curious, what drives the de activation and pulling away. If the other person acts very secure, and is somebody that is dependable and reliable who won't leave you? I was dating an FA recently who pulled away out of nowhere, after things were really great and we didn't have a single issue or challenge come up that entire time. Even told them after that I didn't mind them taking space and didn't want to end things or not see each other anymore. And understand they were going through things. Is there a sense of not wanting to re connect because of fear of what if? It's just interesting to me when in reality things would work very well, and there really wasn't anything to fear. I feel like I can demonstrate consistency all the time, and offer plenty support and encouragement through words and actions, but nothing I can do personally seems to change their inner patterns. Just don't know why the pattern continues when there's nothing bad going on. Hi stu, I am not FA but have read a lot about them and have a few friends who are FA. I have read somewhere that showing love/ dependability actually brings up deep wounds which can feel really unfamiliar and uncomfortable for an FA. It took me a full year to actually understand, (no matter how many times i read it) to truly understand that as humans, we just process emotions differently. I kept on projecting what I would want and how I would feel and could not grasp the concept that, there is nothing wrong with my FA friend. What made me feel good made him feel uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. And his actions were no reflection of what I did or my self worth, it was a reflection of what he is going through. I love him as is. So I just let him go, knowing that his deactivation has nothing to do with me and isn't for me to manipulate or control. I think we can all exist and love without having to chase anyone to feel worthy. Hope this helps. Definitely thank you, I was just curious what exactly was going on. I definitely feel I didn't do anything personally, or taking anything personally about it. Nor do I want to manipulate or control an outcome. I just wanted to understand more of what happened and how I can improve at least myself as best as possible Which is how I found this forum in the first place too. That's a helpful perspective, thanks again ! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2019 20:58:33 GMT
I think it's time to step outside of the fairy tale thinking and seeing the situation from what it is.
No matter how long you plan to stick around and think if I stick around long enough - love may be blossom. This is fairy tale language.
How can you expect him to love you when he can't even love himself. This guy has an insecure attachment style. Which means he lacks love and confidence in himself. He needs to work with a professional to address this in order to reverse his attachment style and to have a consistent and mutual relationship.
Until he actually puts in the work to seek professional help, you will find yourself in never ending circles with this guy. Nothing will change and you will remain hurt over again.
I agree with the others about unfriending him and move on with your life. Find someone who is emotionally available who can provide you with an equal mutual loving relationship.
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 21:22:33 GMT
Hi stu , I am not FA but have read a lot about them and have a few friends who are FA. I have read somewhere that showing love/ dependability actually brings up deep wounds which can feel really unfamiliar and uncomfortable for an FA. It took me a full year to actually understand, (no matter how many times i read it) to truly understand that as humans, we just process emotions differently. I kept on projecting what I would want and how I would feel and could not grasp the concept that, there is nothing wrong with my FA friend. What made me feel good made him feel uncomfortable. It's as simple as that. And his actions were no reflection of what I did or my self worth, it was a reflection of what he is going through. I love him as is. So I just let him go, knowing that his deactivation has nothing to do with me and isn't for me to manipulate or control. I think we can all exist and love without having to chase anyone to feel worthy. Hope this helps. Definitely thank you, I was just curious what exactly was going on. I definitely feel I didn't do anything personally, or taking anything personally about it. Nor do I want to manipulate or control an outcome. I just wanted to understand more of what happened and how I can improve at least myself as best as possible Which is how I found this forum in the first place too. That's a helpful perspective, thanks again ! Hi stu , It's a massive mind fuck; I feel your pain. For me, I grew up having family members deflect their issues on me, so I deeply believed I was a nuisance or a burden. As an adult spending time with DA/FA's made me feel anxious because I defaulted to thinking their deactivation behavior was my fault....The deactivation always feels like it comes from nowhere and throws you for a massive loop. And each time I entered another cycle, I would feel I was getting closer to some kind of jackpot, but the truth is the prize was already in front of me. I was getting exactly what I was going to get. They were showing me exactly what they had to offer, the pattern of closeness (or perceived closeness) and deactivation. That was it. This isn't for me to change but for me to decide if that is what I want. My strategy to feel safe/make things okay would be walking on eggshells, and making myself smaller to fit in their world; I didn't realize I was reverting to my childhood strategies and recreating a familiar dynamic. As a child, I was used to this inconsistency of care and chaos so I would do my best to control it, in the same way I would try to decode my FA/DA friends.....all to feel safe. It took me a while to realize as an adult, I am safe and I can choose. If I don't like the way I am being treated, and certain relationships are too triggering, I can walk away. Every situation is different, but what I learned is nothing is wrong with me or my DA friends or my FA friends and its not for me to change...their feelings and needs are just as important as mine. I trust that I mean to them as much as they mean to me, we just feel and show it differently. |
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Post by stu on Sept 12, 2019 21:41:36 GMT
Definitely thank you, I was just curious what exactly was going on. I definitely feel I didn't do anything personally, or taking anything personally about it. Nor do I want to manipulate or control an outcome. I just wanted to understand more of what happened and how I can improve at least myself as best as possible Which is how I found this forum in the first place too. That's a helpful perspective, thanks again ! Hi stu , It's a massive mind fuck; I feel your pain. For me, I grew up having family members deflect their issues on me, so I deeply believed I was a nuisance or a burden. As an adult spending time with DA/FA's made me feel anxious because I defaulted to thinking their deactivation behavior was my fault....The deactivation always feels like it comes from nowhere and throws you for a massive loop. And each time I entered another cycle, I would feel I was getting closer to a some kind of jackpot, but the truth is the prize was already in front of me. I was getting exactly what I was going to get. They were showing me exactly what they had to offer, the pattern of closeness (or perceived closeness) and deactivation. That was it. This isn't for me to change but for me to decide if that is what I want. My strategy to feel safe/make things okay would be walking on eggshells, and making myself smaller to fit in their world; I didn't realize I was reverting to my childhood strategies and recreating a familiar dynamic. As a child, I was used to this inconsistency of care and chaos so I would do my best to control it, in the same way I would try to decode my FA/DA friends.....all to feel safe. It took me a while to realize as an adult, I am safe and I can choose. If I don't like the way I am being treated, and certain relationships are too triggering, I can walk away. Every situation is different, but what I learned is nothing is wrong with me or my DA friends or my FA friends and its not for me to change...their feelings and needs are just as important as mine. I trust that I mean to them as much as they mean to me, we just feel and show it differently. That's some great insight thank you Avery, it's just a depressing situation. That's for sure. Nothing I can do to change it, but it sucks that attachment issues have to interfere with things that can be such a great connection. Even if no one is at fault. Its what's beneath the surface and goes beyond attachment types and that being lost or muddled by all the other stuff. Finding this forum was a massive help though and gave answers for things that did not make sense for so long. I was involved with this person for over a year. And experienced many de activations and then them chasing me again. It was always a confusing time until I understood it more. It also helped to address any attachment issues I had or things that weren't healthy by being here and reading and reflecting more myself through this experience. Sometimes I wish things just didn't end on a bitter note 😅 |
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Thank you!