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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 22:02:39 GMT
Hi stu , It's a massive mind fuck; I feel your pain. For me, I grew up having family members deflect their issues on me, so I deeply believed I was a nuisance or a burden. As an adult spending time with DA/FA's made me feel anxious because I defaulted to thinking their deactivation behavior was my fault....The deactivation always feels like it comes from nowhere and throws you for a massive loop. And each time I entered another cycle, I would feel I was getting closer to a some kind of jackpot, but the truth is the prize was already in front of me. I was getting exactly what I was going to get. They were showing me exactly what they had to offer, the pattern of closeness (or perceived closeness) and deactivation. That was it. This isn't for me to change but for me to decide if that is what I want. My strategy to feel safe/make things okay would be walking on eggshells, and making myself smaller to fit in their world; I didn't realize I was reverting to my childhood strategies and recreating a familiar dynamic. As a child, I was used to this inconsistency of care and chaos so I would do my best to control it, in the same way I would try to decode my FA/DA friends.....all to feel safe. It took me a while to realize as an adult, I am safe and I can choose. If I don't like the way I am being treated, and certain relationships are too triggering, I can walk away. Every situation is different, but what I learned is nothing is wrong with me or my DA friends or my FA friends and its not for me to change...their feelings and needs are just as important as mine. I trust that I mean to them as much as they mean to me, we just feel and show it differently. That's some great insight thank you Avery, it's just a depressing situation. That's for sure. Nothing I can do to change it, but it sucks that attachment issues have to interfere with things that can be such a great connection. Even if no one is at fault. Its what's beneath the surface and goes beyond attachment types and that being lost or muddled by all the other stuff. Finding this forum was a massive help though and gave answers for things that did not make sense for so long. I was involved with this person for over a year. And experienced many de activations and then them chasing me again. It was always a confusing time until I understood it more. It also helped to address any attachment issues I had or things that weren't healthy by being here and reading and reflecting more myself through this experience. Sometimes I wish things just didn't end on a bitter note 😅 Hi stu, I am so sorry to hear that. It is such a depressing situation, to enjoy your deep connection and then realize, what is even deeper and below the surface is too triggering or toxic to continue...From the limited details you have provided, it sounds like your connection was real and I hope you maybe weeks and months from now see the beauty in that. Not to romanticize the toxic stuff but hope you can see the fun and joy you both had in that limited time for what it was. Maybe write a letter tonight to your person and don't send it...see what comes out. Read it a month from now and see if you want to send it or rewrite it. It's healthy to let it all come out. Thank you for sharing your story. |
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Post by stu on Sept 12, 2019 23:28:20 GMT
averyleigh Honestly it felt like a real connection just that various insecurities were skewing it like a thick fog. And because of that thick fog clouding things, it was not possible to continue consistently. Partly my own insecruties were triggered at some point and then I worked on them and got over them . Then rest was the result of someone still really struggling and not in a place to have a reciprocal relationship that is fully consistent and all in I suppose. But it doesn't feel like toxicity at least. Just cycling out of fear and self preservation. My part in the dance is to either walk away, or be okay with how things are completely without ever expecting or hoping for change. I chose to address what I was looking for and my boundaries to let the other person know, after a de activation.so if they do try to reconnect they know what I am looking for and if they can try it or not. Of course, glad to share.
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 12, 2019 23:50:25 GMT
averyleigh Honestly it felt like a real connection just that various insecurities were skewing it like a thick fog. And because of that thick fog clouding things, it was not possible to continue consistently. Partly my own insecruties were triggered at some point and then I worked on them and got over them . Then rest was the result of someone still really struggling and not in a place to have a reciprocal relationship that is fully consistent and all in I suppose. But it doesn't feel like toxicity at least. Just cycling out of fear and self preservation. My part in the dance is to either walk away, or be okay with how things are completely without ever expecting or hoping for change. I chose to address what I was looking for and my boundaries to let the other person know, after a de activation.so if they do try to reconnect they know what I am looking for and if they can try it or not. Of course, glad to share. Hi stu, I don’t think you understand what I meant by toxic/toxicity. The toxic relationship pattern (push/pull dynamic) is driven by fears of abandonment and intimacy, which leads to breakdown in communication and eventually the breakdown of the relationship. That seems to be what you have been describing and what we all here struggle with as well. I’m not trying to dismiss that your connection is special but what you have described is toxic. If it weren’t I reckon you wouldn’t be here on this forum trying to work it out. I know we APs like to romanticize and defend our relationships to preserve our memory of our beloved connections but it is vital we are honest about what the relationship actually was otherwise we will never learn from it. If this comes off harsh, it’s not meant to be, I just think we shouldn’t be shameful of using the word toxic or being part of toxic relationships...it’s part of life, it hurts, it happens and we can learn from it and move on. |
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Post by stu on Sept 13, 2019 0:22:14 GMT
averyleigh Honestly it felt like a real connection just that various insecurities were skewing it like a thick fog. And because of that thick fog clouding things, it was not possible to continue consistently. Partly my own insecruties were triggered at some point and then I worked on them and got over them . Then rest was the result of someone still really struggling and not in a place to have a reciprocal relationship that is fully consistent and all in I suppose. But it doesn't feel like toxicity at least. Just cycling out of fear and self preservation. My part in the dance is to either walk away, or be okay with how things are completely without ever expecting or hoping for change. I chose to address what I was looking for and my boundaries to let the other person know, after a de activation.so if they do try to reconnect they know what I am looking for and if they can try it or not. Of course, glad to share. Hi stu, I don’t think you understand what I meant by toxic/toxicity. The toxic relationship pattern (push/pull dynamic) is driven by fears of abandonment and intimacy, which leads to breakdown in communication and eventually the breakdown of the relationship. That seems to be what you have been describing and what we all here struggle with as well. I’m not trying to dismiss that your connection is special but what you have described is toxic. If it weren’t I reckon you wouldn’t be here on this forum trying to work it out. I know we APs like to romanticize and defend our relationships to preserve our memory of our beloved connections but it is vital we are honest about what the relationship actually was otherwise we will never learn from it. If this comes off harsh, it’s not meant to be, I just think we shouldn’t be shameful of using the word toxic or being part of toxic relationships...it’s part of life, it hurts, it happens and we can learn from it and move on. Oh no I agree on that aspect. I guess it's just how you define toxic, my mund jumps to physical mental or psychological abuse when I hear toxic. But yes it is a very unhealthy dynamic and can lead to some serious unhappiness and unfullment. Also no one likes getting very attached and then having the cord ripped away for no rhyme or reason. I've had really toxic relationships before, so I guess by comparison I would say just less toxic then what I experienced before. I'm not trying to defend it, minimalize it, or take away from anyone else's experience. To be honest it just felt good to actually feel there was a geniune and deep connection after so long with the FA , because for the longest time period I just felt like they didn't give a shit about my wellbeing, or geniunely liked me. I felt strung along, used , and discarded. At least that's what the de activations, stone walling, silence, and everything else felt like before I understand it all. Even when we got closer lately she was still extremely rigid and constantly keeping me at arm's length. But in a lot of ways things changed for the better too and I went with the mindset that they were geniunely trying their best, and that things would get better with time. I now understand they were doing the best they could all along. But they were so deep into their issues they had no real control to step out of it, and were also too avoidant to face it and work through it. At least at the time that all this had occurred. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 13, 2019 5:18:04 GMT
How would I go about making him realize what he's lost /aka miss me? No contact? Yes assuming. BUT in No contact, do I block him from seeing my social media posts OR let him see I'm living the life? He's seen everything in the past then liked stuff every few weeks but maybe he needs a harsh NC where he can't be apart of my life even on social. I did that month long hiatus away and like I said, he liked the post where I was leaving but I don't know how much it effected him. IT def helped me clear my soul from his heart ache but now after us months of dating and things going very well, we're back to where we were. Please share some thoughts and advice. What has worked for you? IMO, The best use of social media during a deactivation, purely in terms of maintaining the relationship (if thats what you want to do), is demonstrating your independence, your strengths, you doing you , and preferably having good times with other people. If you are anxiously waiting for likes and stalking, that gets very unhealthy fast IMO. You should take a break if you're getting into a bad habit that promotes anxiety. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2019 14:46:49 GMT
About that, I read this today "I never knew when the abuse was going to happen. I could do and say everything right but it didn’t matter. My dad would eventually explode on me.”
If someone seeks to understand, imagine you relate to the world and others like that.
It doesn't matter if you're secure, they expect you to hurt them/leave/whatever cause that's what they got from people who were supposed to love them unconditionally. What's worse, they don't know when it's coming, they think they can't do anything about it but protect themselves.
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