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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 2:32:11 GMT
Short story, am back together with my bf after a two month breakup. I realized he was FA and I was able to look back and understand a lot of things that happened in our relationship.
Now that we are back together, I feel like we are both kind of swinging FA/AP. I would like to say prior to meeting him, I was earned secure after years of therapy and knowing that in my younger years I would have been AP/FA, but with years of therapy I came a long way. Mind you, I never knew about attachment styles until after bf and I broke up.
Anyway, we are back together, and the knowledge about attachment styles is super helpful, but I realize also that although I am secure when I am with a secure partner, being with him definitely makes me AP/FA in some ways. I'm not really sure how to handle it all. I am treading lightly with him as to not trigger him, while also trying to stay authentic to myself.
What I am feeling is that we are back together, he is happy we are back together, but the same issues of closeness/intimacy make him feel triggered and he has to pull back. I can handle that, but I don't know anymore how much of myself to offer. Before I knew about attachment, it would be just a natural progression towards more closeness, daily checking in with no thought to it, feeling free to talk about anything and everything. But now that I know it's something subconscious on his part that causes him to withdraw, I don't want to offer too much or otherwise overshare.
I have personally ramped up my own therapy with the knowledge of attachment styles, and working on myself as far as how to balance my relationship and life. I want to not worry so much about this relationship and where I stand, and I want to make sure that I have other meaningful things going on in my life - my son, the classes I like to take, my friends.
I am wondering if I come off as disinterested, if that will either draw him closer or push him further away from me. I feel like there is a balance to find with him, I'm just not sure yet where it is.
I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just trying to get all of this out of my head. Any insight would be helpful, thanks.
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Post by dhali on Sept 13, 2019 2:51:10 GMT
Best of luck.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 13, 2019 9:06:29 GMT
nyc718, is he in therapy seriously or otherwise working hard towards earning secure? If not, he will continue to trigger you, and it is possible you can see a shift in your overall attachment style (not just romantic) back to AP if you get triggered enough. It's generally playing with fire to date someone unaware or not working on it insecure if you are much further out in your own process. Why does getting triggered anxious and stuck in an anxious-avoidant dance feel acceptable to you at this time? Is that worth it in your life after all that work to earn secure?
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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 14:58:57 GMT
nyc718, is he in therapy seriously or otherwise working hard towards earning secure? If not, he will continue to trigger you, and it is possible you can see a shift in your overall attachment style (not just romantic) back to AP if you get triggered enough. It's generally playing with fire to date someone unaware or not working on it insecure if you are much further out in your own process. Why does getting triggered anxious and stuck in an anxious-avoidant dance feel acceptable to you at this time? Is that worth it in your life after all that work to earn secure? Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? |
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Post by stu on Sept 13, 2019 16:09:24 GMT
nyc718, is he in therapy seriously or otherwise working hard towards earning secure? If not, he will continue to trigger you, and it is possible you can see a shift in your overall attachment style (not just romantic) back to AP if you get triggered enough. It's generally playing with fire to date someone unaware or not working on it insecure if you are much further out in your own process. Why does getting triggered anxious and stuck in an anxious-avoidant dance feel acceptable to you at this time? Is that worth it in your life after all that work to earn secure? Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? That's all very true and you have the same mindset I did with the FA I was seeing recently too . However it really is a lot of sacrifice, compromise, and an all around tough situation to be in. No one is perfect, that's true. But dating an insecure who doesn't have full awareness or isnt actively working on their issues is going to be a tomultous experience. Compared to seeing someone who doesn't deal with the same issues that make having a reciprocal and consistent relationship so difficult. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 13, 2019 16:27:24 GMT
nyc718 , is he in therapy seriously or otherwise working hard towards earning secure? If not, he will continue to trigger you, and it is possible you can see a shift in your overall attachment style (not just romantic) back to AP if you get triggered enough. It's generally playing with fire to date someone unaware or not working on it insecure if you are much further out in your own process. Why does getting triggered anxious and stuck in an anxious-avoidant dance feel acceptable to you at this time? Is that worth it in your life after all that work to earn secure? Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? I think if both individuals are committed to healing...then there is a workable relationship...but when only 1 person is addressing their issues....it can lead to resentment down the line to always be the one that compromises etc. I find that therapy only works if the other person sees a need and has a desire to change. It doesn’t typically go so well when it is at the suggestion of the other person. |
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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 16:38:25 GMT
Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? I think if both individuals are committed to healing...then there is a workable relationship...but when only 1 person is addressing their issues....it can lead to resentment down the line to always be the one that compromises etc. I find that therapy only works if the other person sees a need and has a desire to change. It doesn’t typically go so well when it is at the suggestion of the other person. Yes, so I'm wondering if anyone has actually successfully opened up the topic with the FA in their life? I do want a two way street on this, but I don't know how to open it up. |
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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 16:40:02 GMT
Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? That's all very true and you have the same mindset I did with the FA I was seeing recently too . However it really is a lot of sacrifice, compromise, and an all around tough situation to be in. No one is perfect, that's true. But dating an insecure who doesn't have full awareness or isnt actively working on their issues is going to be a tomultous experience. Compared to seeing someone who doesn't deal with the same issues that make having a reciprocal and consistent relationship so difficult. were you able to talk about attachment styles with your partner? This is what I am seeking advice on. I definitely want him to be aware, I'm trying to figure out the best approach though |
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Post by dhali on Sept 13, 2019 16:52:34 GMT
“I am wondering if I come off as disinterested, if that will either draw him closer or push him further away from me. I feel like there is a balance to find with him, I'm just not sure yet where it is. ”
I see that you’re already walking on eggshells. What happens if you have emotional needs when he is looking towards you to be disinterested??
You can try to fit the square peg into the round hole, but the hole is still round. I suspect you have to keep burning your hand on the stove, but without them having a strong desire to change, I think you’ll find more heartbreak in the end. Sorry.
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Post by stu on Sept 13, 2019 17:03:04 GMT
That's all very true and you have the same mindset I did with the FA I was seeing recently too . However it really is a lot of sacrifice, compromise, and an all around tough situation to be in. No one is perfect, that's true. But dating an insecure who doesn't have full awareness or isnt actively working on their issues is going to be a tomultous experience. Compared to seeing someone who doesn't deal with the same issues that make having a reciprocal and consistent relationship so difficult. were you able to talk about attachment styles with your partner? This is what I am seeking advice on. I definitely want him to be aware, I'm trying to figure out the best approach though Yes I approached the topic directly with her, it was a bit triggering but she openly discussed it and told me a therapist told her she was avoidant before . She said she was going to work on herself and wanted to change, and wanted to see a therapist again. But she still falls back into old cycles right now and is not far along enough to break her own cycles. She's esentially ghosted me the last three weeks after being very de activated from getting way to close to me. |
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Post by stu on Sept 13, 2019 17:18:01 GMT
Well that's why I'm asking for advice to approach the topic with him, so he can be aware. I don't look at him and say he's Fearful Avoidant, I look at him and see the great moments we have together and I want more of that with him. I would love if I could just walk away and bam, the next person is secure and perfect, but it's an imperfect world with imperfect people, why not try to work what I have? Frankly going out and hoping to find someone else sounds more exhausting and less desirable than trying to work with the one I have now and love, especially since we have gotten back together and things seem different already because I am looking through a much different lens this time around. I know not to take things personally, and I know his system gets activated and I know to back off and soothe myself. I'm also aware there is no guarantee things will work out in the long run, but there's no guarantee with anyone, right? I think if both individuals are committed to healing...then there is a workable relationship...but when only 1 person is addressing their issues....it can lead to resentment down the line to always be the one that compromises etc. I find that therapy only works if the other person sees a need and has a desire to change. It doesn’t typically go so well when it is at the suggestion of the other person. Absolutely agree with all of that. Both have to be doing the work together. And making someone else change for you will make them resent you. It has to be their own desire. But encouraging and supporting can go a long way or maybe they make change out of fear of loss either way it has to be done from that person alone. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 13, 2019 17:21:39 GMT
I think if both individuals are committed to healing...then there is a workable relationship...but when only 1 person is addressing their issues....it can lead to resentment down the line to always be the one that compromises etc. I find that therapy only works if the other person sees a need and has a desire to change. It doesn’t typically go so well when it is at the suggestion of the other person. Yes, so I'm wondering if anyone has actually successfully opened up the topic with the FA in their life? I do want a two way street on this, but I don't know how to open it up. I think the question is valid...just don’t know if anyone here has has that success. |
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Post by stu on Sept 13, 2019 18:21:01 GMT
Yes, so I'm wondering if anyone has actually successfully opened up the topic with the FA in their life? I do want a two way street on this, but I don't know how to open it up. I think the question is valid...just don’t know if anyone here has has that success. [br I opened the question and we talked about it openly and the fa was seeing said she was trying to get help, but still fell back into the old patterns. It's not only then wanting to change but being in the active steps of doing so , how far along they are . You can want to change but not be fully prepared to follow through with all that it entails. Or the avoidance itself can cause a reluctance to follow through and face all the uncomfrtability that would entail changing. It seems a lot of the time that it takes a lot of pain and reaching a serious low to get someone to the point that they really want to change and are ready to. Because staying the same hurts more then anything else. Sometimes not, and maybe someone just wants to be happier and more comnected so they reach out when they can tell something isn't quite right. |
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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 18:45:26 GMT
“I am wondering if I come off as disinterested, if that will either draw him closer or push him further away from me. I feel like there is a balance to find with him, I'm just not sure yet where it is. ” I see that you’re already walking on eggshells. What happens if you have emotional needs when he is looking towards you to be disinterested?? You can try to fit the square peg into the round hole, but the hole is still round. I suspect you have to keep burning your hand on the stove, but without them having a strong desire to change, I think you’ll find more heartbreak in the end. Sorry. I don't know if I am walking on eggshells. I AM being more aware of how my style may trigger him, but I don't know if that's the same. I think a certain amount of sensitivity is required, no? This is where I am trying to find that balance of being sensitive to him and also being true to myself. As far as my own emotional needs, I know he has limits to what he can offer me, and yes, in an ideal world I would be with someone who has that to offer me the exact way I want it. But it's not an ideal world, and I have what I have at the moment, so that's why I want to work with what I have. I don't know if I will keep "burning my hand on the stove" now that I am approaching this relationship with a different lens. It could very well be the case, but I honestly am not willing to just give up on it until I know that I truly did all I could and there was nothing more to be done. I would rather go as far as we can and it end than me just give up in fear that we can't go further. I know this approach isn't for everyone, but I have had relationships end before and as hard as it was, I actually had peace that I did all I could do on my end and there was no stone left unturned that I didn't try. So it was easier to move on from those. I'm not going to sit here and say I have it all figured out, I certainly don't. And I know that since we have another chance, I want to take it as far as we can. That's all I can say. |
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Post by nyc718 on Sept 13, 2019 19:05:49 GMT
stu were you able to talk about attachment styles with your partner? This is what I am seeking advice on. I definitely want him to be aware, I'm trying to figure out the best approach though Yes I approached the topic directly with her, it was a bit triggering but she openly discussed it and told me a therapist told her she was avoidant before . She said she was going to work on herself and wanted to change, and wanted to see a therapist again. But she still falls back into old cycles right now and is not far along enough to break her own cycles. She's esentially ghosted me the last three weeks after being very de activated from getting way to close to me. I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you handling that? I don't know exactly what this says about me, but I feel like if/when my Bf deactivates (the longest was 5 days, aside from our breakup in which he didn't communicate with me for two months) I would actually be ok. Why? because he has come back every time. I don't know that it means he will always come back, but I feel like I know it's not about me, and that helps me tremendously, whereas before I knew about attachment styles, I always thought it WAS about me. I also feel like if he actually does desert me for good one day, I mean, yes, it would feel shitty as all hell, but again, I know it it would not be about me and there would be nothing I could do about it. This is a chance I am willing to take with him at this moment. I may not always be willing to deal with this possibility of him just up and ghosting me, but at the moment, I am well aware it could happen. I do hope to open up the topic of attachment styles and see where it can go. I hope it's productive, but I know it may not be. If he didn't have enough actual redeeming qualities, I would drop him just like I had with another past BF who I realize after the fact was FA for sure. With that one, I did all I could and then I was done. It hurt but it was so much easier to walk away knowing there was nothing more I could do if he didn't do his part in the relationship. Months later, he was trying to put himself back on my radar, but by then I was done for good, never looked back. This current relationship could end up the same way, I know it. The thing is though, despite all of that, I have no regrets about any of my past relationships. I look at all of them as chapters in my journey in life. I simply don't and can't control other people, but I can enjoy what each of them brought to my life during the times they were in it. That's the way I choose to see it. |
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