hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Sept 18, 2019 19:41:57 GMT
Hello all,
Well, it's not really a break up, since we just went in a few dates but this weekend I decided to not see him anymore. He was nice, attentive, lovely, open but I felt this weekend he started distancing himself, I knew he was really busy and tired but I got anxious anyway. If I'm honest I was highly anxious all the time since the beginning, wanting this to work out. I don't know if I was right about the distancing thing but it's not really important as we had 'the' talk (online, we dont live the same city) and it turns out he is not looking for anything serious at the moment. I'm not sure wich style he is, but I think he's quite secure, even when he was not initiating things he aswers right away to my texts or in a reasonable amount of time. I think it's just not the good time. I'm sad anyway.
I dont feel at all more secure but I try to act as a secure. The talk was polite, I stated my needs and wants, he too, we said it's not compatible, he left the doors open and me too but only if he changes his mind.
It hurts...
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Sept 18, 2019 19:56:32 GMT
And yeah, I forgot to say, another good point I'm glad about myself is that I was able to ask support to my friends. Usually I just stay home crying for a few days pretending nothing is happening. A friend took me to dinner and to dance yesterday, he was really supportive. Well, as a good FA I think I need to find balance about the "all" or "nothing" extremes, cause this times almost all my friends were updated very quickly, dramaqueen feelings...
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Post by number9 on Sept 18, 2019 21:01:08 GMT
And yeah, I forgot to say, another good point I'm glad about myself is that I was able to ask support to my friends. Usually I just stay home crying for a few days pretending nothing is happening. A friend took me to dinner and to dance yesterday, he was really supportive. Well, as a good FA I think I need to find balance about the "all" or "nothing" extremes, cause this times almost all my friends were updated very quickly, dramaqueen feelings... I'm cheering for you! Good move. Good that you talked to your friends -- and good you posted on here! You can do this!  |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Sept 18, 2019 22:52:17 GMT
Thank you |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2019 23:43:16 GMT
Hello all, Well, it's not really a break up, since we just went in a few dates but this weekend I decided to not see him anymore. He was nice, attentive, lovely, open but I felt this weekend he started distancing himself, I knew he was really busy and tired but I got anxious anyway. If I'm honest I was highly anxious all the time since the beginning, wanting this to work out. I don't know if I was right about the distancing thing but it's not really important as we had 'the' talk (online, we dont live the same city) and it turns out he is not looking for anything serious at the moment. I'm not sure wich style he is, but I think he's quite secure, even when he was not initiating things he aswers right away to my texts or in a reasonable amount of time. I think it's just not the good time. I'm sad anyway. I dont feel at all more secure but I try to act as a secure. The talk was polite, I stated my needs and wants, he too, we said it's not compatible, he left the doors open and me too but only if he changes his mind. It hurts... From my limited experience, I think this is your gut telling you this isn't a good thing i.e., not what you're looking for!! I've come to realise that those relationships that I really wish they would work out are those that are insecure to begin with and therefore, doomed right from the beginning. The person might appear available or treats you well or secure, but tends to be emotionally unavailable e.g., not looking for anything serious, some shade of avoidant (I never get liked anxious, so can't comment on that). The relationships that did turn out secure and stable and calm are often those that when i first started seeing them, there wasn't this anxiety or huge amounts of intense passions/feelings. Those breakups tend to be more of just not wanting to build my life in the way i see how things are heading towards. this seems to be good practice, in any case.. I've had a couple of those after my BreakUp till i got bored of practising; it's really good to put in action secure behaviors, even if you do not feel it deeply yet. Do more of these and then you'll work out the kinks and figure out what's best for you, and THAT will really help you towards feeling secure -- finding your best way to protect yourself while still being a decent person. You're simply preparing yourself for the next stage of yourself - practise makes perfect! |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Sept 19, 2019 9:41:01 GMT
You're maybe right. But since I remember, I'm always anxious, even while dating anxious folks. I don't know if I ever dated a secure, maybe once and yeah, felt kind of boring. But this time I was already anxious before the first date ! I think I was tired after one year of my exFA in my mind and tried to replace him for a new fail just to change ! But yeah, it allows me to work on new skills
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2019 11:54:20 GMT
dating so freshly out of a breakup is just feels like working off the residues of the previous relationships I think. I feel like my current relationship has shades of similarities with my previous one, and I think there wasn't enough of a space between them to fully clear it out. we'll just have to see if it works, but in between the relationships i went out with multiple new dates and they were realllllllll tests of my boundaries and speaking up for myself e.g., badgering me for "affection" on the second date despite that being discussed multiple times. i just think of it as practice! keep your spirits up and just enjoy yourself - do things that you feel are fun for yourself and nobody else!
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Sept 19, 2019 12:20:50 GMT
Ah, its been more than one year since I broke up with m'y FA  |
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