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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 19, 2019 16:17:11 GMT
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful day. I wanted to get some feedback on your experiences as an FA when you find someone you like! Or even lovers of FA’s might have some insight too!
I rush in. I mean looking back I totally am into someone FAST. Is this typical for you as well? Is it really the excitement of the newness? I can stay out even when it’s reciprocated. I don’t know what my trigger is. I’m thinking it could be just the transition from the excitement to the boringness? Do you experience this or for you is it just the closeness?
Also curious, do you cheat? Both physically or emotionally?
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 20, 2019 15:23:40 GMT
Yep, I think it's typical of FA to go all in really fast when we like someone. Then I usually go highly anxious when they are avoidant. But when they are anxious I become disgusted and so avoidant very quickly so I think it's really about the closeness. After becomin aware of attachment styles I tried a relationship with an anxious, I could work on keeping the bond, it was a bit hard when he was anxious but I was able for the first time to state that I needed space in a non threatening way. But I could never go trough the lack of libido even if objectively I find him hot. The relation lasted maybe 5 months and today he's one of my best friends  Now I'm trying to be authentic in front of an avoidant (or maybe secure not into me) and even if it's still difficult it's less and less hard. I was really anxious at first but since I was able to communicate my needs I was sad at first but now I've calm down and enjoy my life. I still think of him and if we cab find a relation where both we could be comfortable with but I'm not obsessed, I keep enjoying my life. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 20, 2019 18:18:37 GMT
Yep, I think it's typical of FA to go all in really fast when we like someone. Then I usually go highly anxious when they are avoidant. But when they are anxious I become disgusted and so avoidant very quickly so I think it's really about the closeness. After becomin aware of attachment styles I tried a relationship with an anxious, I could work on keeping the bond, it was a bit hard when he was anxious but I was able for the first time to state that I needed space in a non threatening way. But I could never go trough the lack of libido even if objectively I find him hot. The relation lasted maybe 5 months and today he's one of my best friends Now I'm trying to be authentic in front of an avoidant (or maybe secure not into me) and even if it's still difficult it's less and less hard. I was really anxious at first but since I was able to communicate my needs I was sad at first but now I've calm down and enjoy my life. I still think of him and if we cab find a relation where both we could be comfortable with but I'm not obsessed, I keep enjoying my life. Thank you for telling me your thoughts!! Would you say typically you find that your sustained attention is generally on people you feel aren't (or seem) to be not that into you vs. someone that is really into you? With you anxious fella, were you all about it at first or was the lack of libido there early on? |
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 20, 2019 21:56:33 GMT
"Would you say typically you find that your sustained attention is generally on people you feel aren't (or seem) to be not"
Kind of... sometimes I think people are all in at the beginning and then they withdraw but maybe in these cases I miss some red flags of their avoidance what explains Im also all in since the beginning?
With the anxious ex, I was really excited the first time we met, the second time I was less enthusiastic, and then again really interested the third time. When we tried to make things become physical I was not so into him, the lack of libido was there really early on, maybe we slept together 3 or 4 times in 5 months... But I liked the hugs and kisses.
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 20, 2019 22:35:18 GMT
I really don't know, maybe yeah. I still find him attractive, even if not really my style but I just couldn't... Well, as I said he didn't repel me as I enjoyed the hugs and the kisses. With others anxious I dated before when I was unaware of attachment I felt repulsed but not in an exclusively sexual way, just the idea of seeing them, or talk/write to them, it was impossible to consider, it feels really weird, like if I would be drained, hard to explain.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2019 7:53:27 GMT
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful day. I wanted to get some feedback on your experiences as an FA when you find someone you like! Or even lovers of FA’s might have some insight too! I rush in. I mean looking back I totally am into someone FAST. Is this typical for you as well? Is it really the excitement of the newness? I can stay out even when it’s reciprocated. I don’t know what my trigger is. I’m thinking it could be just the transition from the excitement to the boringness? Do you experience this or for you is it just the closeness? Also curious, do you cheat? Both physically or emotionally? Yeah, I think having had experiences of rushing in and feeling "all in" quickly was part of why I initially thought I was AP as opposed to FA. But then I realized that only happened to me once a year or less and my classically AP friend tends to be like that with almost everyone she dates. Upon thinking back, there were plenty of people I went out with who I just felt super uncertain about or even repelled by from the get-go, I just sort of ignored those "relationships" if you can even call them that because I didn't attach to them and none of them ever broke my heart. I would reject those ones pretty early on, I think the longest I ever lasted with one of them, a secure who I never felt that into, was 3 months [edit: actually there was another guy I lasted longer with many years ago if you want to go that far back, of unknown attachment type]. Then I started to reflect on how I had felt on the first few dates with the people I did end up super into. I wasn't into all of them on our first date or two. Sure, sometimes I was, for example I remember being enthralled with one (FA) guy right away and our very first date lasting 8 hours or something until everything in town was closed. But some people I later ended up falling for I have to admit I was not that into right away. I remember with one guy who later absolutely broke my heart, on our first date I didn't even find him attractive–part of it was because he didn't seem like he was attracted to me. I didn't see him again for a month. And I remember moments from the next few dates where I would look at him and question whether I was even that into him or I'd be thinking he wasn't good looking. But I did end up becoming very attracted to him and falling in love with him quickly. Same with my current boyfriend and my longest past boyfriend, I was actually not sure how I felt about them for the first few dates. It can take me some time to decide I like someone but once I catch feelings they progress quickly. Maybe it's perfectly normal to not know how you feel about someone for the first few dates, but I feel like my thought process is different from a secure person's, it's like I will sometimes feel very uncertain or hot and cold and feel distressed by it. Then I usually get pulled in one direction or another and either end it or rapidly fall in love. I don't think the transition from the exciting honeymoon phase to "the boringness" is much more avoidance-triggering to me than anything else, but maybe that's because I am not a stereotypical FA who acts all in and then suddenly dumps the other person after a few months. I have dumped a total of 2 people after a few months, and in both cases I had misgivings from the get-go, I never thought wow this is so great, I'm so into them, and then suddenly lost interest. I find all sorts of things triggering, particularly perceived threats to the relationship. The main thing that I think triggered me to deactivate from my longest relationship was health and mental health issues. I stopped being able to have sex with him. That was long after the honeymoon was over. I don't cheat, but I have "emotionally cheated" in the not recent past, and I had a non-monogamous relationship in the past which allowed me to "cheat" without it really being cheating (long story), and I can see the temptation for people to cheat. Nowadays I am very into monogamy and I know full well that any temptation to cheat is likely a deactivation thing and something I have complete control of acting on, so I am confident I will never cheat. I've been cheated on and it's horrible. It's not that hard to not cheat on people. Like hannah said, I tend to feel all in really fast when I really like someone. And I don't like people that often. Then I usually turn highly anxious when they are avoidant. But even just liking someone a lot can make me pretty anxious sometimes. |
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 22, 2019 8:18:54 GMT
That's funny, me too I fall in love once a year ! (Already done this year, and he has already broke my heart). I'm non monogamous... There arent a lot of researchs on attachment and non monogamy, but I found two that concludes that most non monogamous folks are secure, for me its kind of logical.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2019 9:13:54 GMT
That's funny, me too I fall in love once a year ! (Already done this year, and he has already broke my heart). I'm non monogamous... There arent a lot of researchs on attachment and non monogamy, but I found two that concludes that most non monogamous folks are secure, for me its kind of logical. That's interesting. On the surface that idea makes intuitive sense, as though they must be so secure that they aren't threatened by their partner having sex with another person, but it doesn't fit with my experience. Personally I have gotten more monogamous the more secure I've gotten. When I was less secure I didn't feel like I had a right to ask someone to be monogamous to me. I either just fell for someone and felt like I had to take what I could get from them and didn't want to risk losing them by asking them not to have sex with anyone else or I just worried that all men would just cheat on me if I expected them to be monogamous. In some cases I also think I felt safer and less trapped with non-monogamy because I'm part avoidant myself, like it was an escape clause to have that option. Nowadays I have zero interest in a non-monogamous relationship. And out of my small sample size of friends and acquaintances, all the secures are monogamous and lots of the insecures are non-monogamous or polyamorous. What is it that appeals to you about non-monogamy? |
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 22, 2019 17:00:14 GMT
That's funny, me too I fall in love once a year ! (Already done this year, and he has already broke my heart). I'm non monogamous... There arent a lot of researchs on attachment and non monogamy, but I found two that concludes that most non monogamous folks are secure, for me its kind of logical. That's interesting. On the surface that idea makes intuitive sense, as though they must be so secure that they aren't threatened by their partner having sex with another person, but it doesn't fit with my experience. Personally I have gotten more monogamous the more secure I've gotten. When I was less secure I didn't feel like I had a right to ask someone to be monogamous to me. I either just fell for someone and felt like I had to take what I could get from them and didn't want to risk losing them by asking them not to have sex with anyone else or I just worried that all men would just cheat on me if I expected them to be monogamous. In some cases I also think I felt safer and less trapped with non-monogamy because I'm part avoidant myself, like it was an escape clause to have that option. Nowadays I have zero interest in a non-monogamous relationship. And out of my small sample size of friends and acquaintances, all the secures are monogamous and lots of the insecures are non-monogamous or polyamorous. What is it that appeals to you about non-monogamy? Well, it's a long story. The very first time I started thinking about that it was at university, I had a sociology class where we read a text about non-monogamous societies, I found it really cool to think that there are others ways to leave a bond, the sexuality, family and so on. Than later it was a way to quit a kind of toxic relationship where I was really anxious and it helped me a lot. And then, as I read a lot on the subject, I started to read political texts about it (I'm very into political stuff, radical left, I'm more relationship anarchy than poly by the way). So I don't think I could really go back to monogamy. But for me it's less about having multiple partners (most of the time I have one partner or none), it's more about re-thinking the comunity, to question the place of family, friends, couples, etc. So I'm more into honoring my friends and investing my time in association projects for example. And working trouhgh my attachment styles with my friends, deepening our bound. Well, you will maybe say it's highly avoidant and maybe it's right! But I'm starting to read Stan Tatkin's book and I like his approach specially when he says that there is no right or wrong and that we need to cherish what we are even if we're insecurely attached. So, I like some aspects of that. When I start going monogamish it's a sign that I'm going more into AP. I think I dont have many secure friends (as I attract the insecure) poly or not. But I have some poly friends really secure, like a friend who is in a couple for maybe 15 years now and both have others relations. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 22, 2019 20:27:35 GMT
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful day. I wanted to get some feedback on your experiences as an FA when you find someone you like! Or even lovers of FA’s might have some insight too! I rush in. I mean looking back I totally am into someone FAST. Is this typical for you as well? Is it really the excitement of the newness? I can stay out even when it’s reciprocated. I don’t know what my trigger is. I’m thinking it could be just the transition from the excitement to the boringness? Do you experience this or for you is it just the closeness? Also curious, do you cheat? Both physically or emotionally? Yeah, I think having had experiences of rushing in and feeling "all in" quickly was part of why I initially thought I was AP as opposed to FA. But then I realized that only happened to me once a year or less and my classically AP friend tends to be like that with almost everyone she dates. Upon thinking back, there were plenty of people I went out with who I just felt super uncertain about or even repelled by from the get-go, I just sort of ignored those "relationships" if you can even call them that because I didn't attach to them and none of them ever broke my heart. I would reject those ones pretty early on, I think the longest I ever lasted with one of them, a secure who I never felt that into, was 3 months [edit: actually there was another guy I lasted longer with many years ago if you want to go that far back, of unknown attachment type]. Then I started to reflect on how I had felt on the first few dates with the people I did end up super into. I wasn't into all of them on our first date or two. Sure, sometimes I was, for example I remember being enthralled with one (FA) guy right away and our very first date lasting 8 hours or something until everything in town was closed. But some people I later ended up falling for I have to admit I was not that into right away. I remember with one guy who later absolutely broke my heart, on our first date I didn't even find him attractive–part of it was because he didn't seem like he was attracted to me. I didn't see him again for a month. And I remember moments from the next few dates where I would look at him and question whether I was even that into him or I'd be thinking he wasn't good looking. But I did end up becoming very attracted to him and falling in love with him quickly. Same with my current boyfriend and my longest past boyfriend, I was actually not sure how I felt about them for the first few dates. It can take me some time to decide I like someone but once I catch feelings they progress quickly. Maybe it's perfectly normal to not know how you feel about someone for the first few dates, but I feel like my thought process is different from a secure person's, it's like I will sometimes feel very uncertain or hot and cold and feel distressed by it. Then I usually get pulled in one direction or another and either end it or rapidly fall in love. I don't think the transition from the exciting honeymoon phase to "the boringness" is much more avoidance-triggering to me than anything else, but maybe that's because I am not a stereotypical FA who acts all in and then suddenly dumps the other person after a few months. I have dumped a total of 2 people after a few months, and in both cases I had misgivings from the get-go, I never thought wow this is so great, I'm so into them, and then suddenly lost interest. I find all sorts of things triggering, particularly perceived threats to the relationship. The main thing that I think triggered me to deactivate from my longest relationship was health and mental health issues. I stopped being able to have sex with him. That was long after the honeymoon was over. I don't cheat, but I have "emotionally cheated" in the not recent past, and I had a non-monogamous relationship in the past which allowed me to "cheat" without it really being cheating (long story), and I can see the temptation for people to cheat. Nowadays I am very into monogamy and I know full well that any temptation to cheat is likely a deactivation thing and something I have complete control of acting on, so I am confident I will never cheat. I've been cheated on and it's horrible. It's not that hard to not cheat on people. Like hannah said, I tend to feel all in really fast when I really like someone. And I don't like people that often. Then I usually turn highly anxious when they are avoidant. But even just liking someone a lot can make me pretty anxious sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing! In what ways would you say you differ from a middle of the road FA? |
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Sept 22, 2019 22:48:48 GMT
I was thinking again about the fact that I fall in love once a year... I think it's really just me opening a bit in certain moments (and then becoming fearful and closing the doors once again), it's not only about people I meet. I say that cause last year I started to date two guys at the same time. I started to fall hard for the first one and then really quickly to the second one that I chose to focus on. Guess wich of them was the FA and wich the AP ?!
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I'm grieving a bit about a mini break up with a DA I was dating and thinking why it's easier compared to my breakup with the FA. I don't think it's only that I didn't went on as many dates with the DA but also that FA let us see so deep into them for a moment.. that creates an intense bond (and maybe even more when we are also FA), that's hard to mourn.
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Post by annieb on Dec 26, 2019 2:37:10 GMT
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful day. I wanted to get some feedback on your experiences as an FA when you find someone you like! Or even lovers of FA’s might have some insight too! I rush in. I mean looking back I totally am into someone FAST. Is this typical for you as well? Is it really the excitement of the newness? I can stay out even when it’s reciprocated. I don’t know what my trigger is. I’m thinking it could be just the transition from the excitement to the boringness? Do you experience this or for you is it just the closeness? Also curious, do you cheat? Both physically or emotionally? I rush in, but I don't cheat. I used to stay in relationships just out of principle. As I got older I stopped doing that and got out of them faster. Still not fast enough if I happen to be in with a DA or a narcissist. |
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Post by amber on Dec 26, 2019 4:09:59 GMT
I was with an FA that went all in fairly fast...told me he loved me seven weeks in and 8 weeks in asked me to be exclusive. Then six months in started distancing a bit but still very loving and affectionate etc. 12 months in ended it citing “not a strong enough connection anymore” (later told me he had only felt that way for three weeks after an argument we had)...so I was pissed that someone would end a r/ship based on three weeks of feeling a disconnect. Says a lot about his maturity levels and he is 49 years old. Beforeme he was mostly single for ten years with 1-6 month dating/relationships and each time he said “the connection was lost”...so I see this as his pattern. Hard not take to take personally though and im still massively grieving him five weeks post breakup. Annoyed at myself for diving in so quickly at the start but seeing this as a strong learning curve for myself
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mando
New Member
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Post by mando on Jan 26, 2020 21:06:49 GMT
Yes. I am extremely affectionate very early on with every partner. Inappropriately so, I've realized, because it tends to activate attachment in my partner prematurely, which triggers my avoidant side and I end up hurting them.
There have also been a couple times where my partner was, I suspect, also FA, and we both rushed in full steam ahead. That never ends well.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 26, 2020 23:33:00 GMT
Yes. I am extremely affectionate very early on with every partner. Inappropriately so, I've realized, because it tends to activate attachment in my partner prematurely, which triggers my avoidant side and I end up hurting them. There have also been a couple times where my partner was, I suspect, also FA, and we both rushed in full steam ahead. That never ends well. Seems to be a recurring theme with the F-A attachment. That along with the fantasy of "the one", partner on pedestal, a saviour/rescuer even (my ex. F-A mentioned things recently like "I just want to be kept"), so dependent in effect. And so I suspect and F-As here may elaborate or think about. The enmeshment trauma with the caregiver/parent, has formed that dependency, they encroached on your boundaries, quashing them in effect early in whatever fashion. Codependency in the form of people pleasing (if fawn response like my ex.) to clearly satiate the abusive parent. With my acquaintance, sheer abuse, punishment, physically and emotionally if a ridiculous standard of perfection was not met, along with intermittent running down on top to this very day! The "rushing ahead" I presume is partially the "craving for connection" along with subconsciously pushing an attachment for when the "false persona" is let down. From the anxious side of the F-As attachment. |
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