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Post by serenity on Sept 19, 2019 23:28:39 GMT
Does anyone relate? Lots of good info here. www.thehotline.org/2018/07/31/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/``In short, in order to overcome trauma bonds, we can’t compromise truth for promise. We must also remain aware of our current state and actively care for ourselves. What does this look like? Not compromising truth for promise means refusing to fantasize about how a partner might change someday, and staying grounded in the evidence of the partner’s behavior remaining the same.'' And: ``Remaining aware of our current state involves clearly and explicitly acknowledging what we’re going through. This can mean simply pausing to mind a thought (or write it down to remind yourself of it later) to recognize what’s happening and what its impact is on us: “I love them, but I don’t want to love them.” “Oops, I was just fantasizing about the good times even though they never last with a partner who behaves abusively.” “They just did it again. I feel broken.” “I just told someone. That was scary, but I feel better. That was brave.” Actively caring for ourselves means behaving gently with ourselves, intercepting negative self-talk with positive self-truths, and building a life we love without people who hurt us. In order to be gentle rather than condemning ourselves when we notice we’ve gotten caught up in promises or a fantasy about our abuser, we can stop and acknowledge the progress we’ve made in changing our thinking, and recognize that forgetting is part of the healing process.'' |
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 22:37:45 GMT
I found that helpful too, Caroline. Although the article has an emphasis on physical violence and abuse, I do feel that it applies to emotional trauma just as much. For me, the trauma occurred at the first deactivation I think. The intensity of his loving behaviour, his complete and daily attention for many months, the strong mental and emotional and physical connection we shared .... then followed with sudden and unprovoked stonewalling left me shattered and in a state of intense grief. I can only think he started the relationship that way because of intense lonliness, and he was unable to sustain it. Not his fault, nor mine. Just sad.
After that, I believe I dissociated, and my attachment style with him swung from secure, to FA, with increasing dissociation. He cycled back and was more freely open about loving me and we got closer. But I was guarded and rarely initiated any contact. My attention became minimal. I focused mainly on empathetic people who were fully able to communicate with me and be consistent.
I'm trying to feel my feelings now, through the numbness. And see this trauma bond for what it is: A strong feeling of love connection, that is not based on actual loving behaviour on his part (any more). Love should be something you actually receive in actions, not just a feeling, or else it serves no use and leaves you vulnerable to being used.
I don't think my ex `did this to me' in any malicious kind of way. I am grateful for his sporadic love, but the episodes of ghosting traumatize me. And I don't want to be numb.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 25, 2019 7:51:33 GMT
Thanks for the article. I identify with a lot of these, which I otherwise wouldn’t have considered signs of trauma bonding:
* Continuing to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain
* Going “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you
* Persisting in trying to convince people there is a problem and they won’t listen
* Being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships
Lots to think about.
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Post by stu on Sept 25, 2019 14:21:00 GMT
Thanks for the article. I identify with a lot of these, which I otherwise wouldn’t have considered signs of trauma bonding: * Continuing to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain * Going “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you * Persisting in trying to convince people there is a problem and they won’t listen * Being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships Lots to think about. These also look like signs of co dependency. I struggled with that a bit in the past. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 25, 2019 14:27:51 GMT
Thanks for the article. I identify with a lot of these, which I otherwise wouldn’t have considered signs of trauma bonding: * Continuing to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain * Going “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you * Persisting in trying to convince people there is a problem and they won’t listen * Being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships Lots to think about. Oh man, this is painful to see. That is all me as well. |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 25, 2019 18:50:59 GMT
stu isn't all AP behavior codependency? I'm not sure what the difference is.
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Post by stu on Sept 25, 2019 18:53:49 GMT
stu isn't all AP behavior codependency? I'm not sure what the difference is. Anxious preoccupied is an insecure attachment style in plafe of self soothing, and fear of abandonment, it is often accompanied by low self esteem. Co dependency is similar in a lot of ways but the belief process and motivations behind it is separate. They are very similar and often go hand in hand though. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 26, 2019 7:42:30 GMT
Good point about the similarities between trauma bonds, codependent behaviours, and AP attachment style. You can see how they could all exist together. I think while it makes sense that a traumatic relationship would cause codependent and AP behaviours, for me it triggers PTSD and dissociation. I then swing FA in my attachment style. I can get worse, and swing DA. And another side effect of the trauma bond for me is `prolonged limerance'... I start to feel a drug like love that isn't based on loving actions. Its rough being suddenly discarded by a loved one without recourse or explanation, and living with the fear of it happening again any time because of any number of intimacy triggers they have. Some people choose distance, some people choose to placate, some people get out immediately. All of them are difficult options  |
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Post by serenity on Oct 8, 2019 22:14:35 GMT
Just wanted to post this, found by shiningstar and posted on another thread. I love this:
Healing from trauma bonds:
1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.
2. Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.
3.Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else”; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.
4.Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.
If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey.
5.Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, “I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____.” This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.
6.Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.
7.Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.
8.Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: “(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.).” Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.
9.Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.
10.Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2019 1:29:56 GMT
I found that helpful too, Caroline. Although the article has an emphasis on physical violence and abuse, I do feel that it applies to emotional trauma just as much. For me, the trauma occurred at the first deactivation I think. The intensity of his loving behaviour, his complete and daily attention for many months, the strong mental and emotional and physical connection we shared .... then followed with sudden and unprovoked stonewalling left me shattered and in a state of intense grief. I can only think he started the relationship that way because of intense lonliness, and he was unable to sustain it. Not his fault, nor mine. Just sad. After that, I believe I dissociated, and my attachment style with him swung from secure, to FA, with increasing dissociation. He cycled back and was more freely open about loving me and we got closer. But I was guarded and rarely initiated any contact. My attention became minimal. I focused mainly on empathetic people who were fully able to communicate with me and be consistent. I'm trying to feel my feelings now, through the numbness. And see this trauma bond for what it is: A strong feeling of love connection, that is not based on actual loving behaviour on his part (any more). Love should be something you actually receive in actions, not just a feeling, or else it serves no use and leaves you vulnerable to being used. I don't think my ex `did this to me' in any malicious kind of way. I am grateful for his sporadic love, but the episodes of ghosting traumatize me. And I don't want to be numb. did we have the same boyfriend?!!?!? this is such a great thread, and the list of trauma symptoms is spot on. The issue is that when in throes of the trauma bond, it is difficult if not almost impossible to see these symptoms as is. There're always justification and explanations, rightly so, because it becomes a bigger issue of deciding what takes priority - love, loyalty, principles, or self protection at perceived expense of others. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 9, 2019 7:32:35 GMT
lol, I keep thinking that when I read about other people's relationships. I wonder sometimes if its possible any of us encountered the same guys, lol. If we have, then I'd like to think our collective love helped these guys. Trauma is a terrible thing, some people never recover |
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Post by mrob on Oct 9, 2019 7:41:44 GMT
I’ve been driving across my country this week, and have had too much time to think about things....
In the last few months i’ve been activated by two situations and deactivated by one. It’s horrifyingly text book.
If you intermittently don’t want me, I will draw in. If you treat me badly or neglect me after showing interest, I will want you more, regardless of compatibility.
If, after me showing you interest to get to know you, you draw in - as I would above - I will pull back.
It seems I want someone like my mother, but just a little more nurturing. Don’t fuss over me, don’t live with me, but be available and maybe have my best interests at heart.
Ouch! Only 1700km to go!
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Post by alexandra on Oct 10, 2019 3:37:17 GMT
mrob, I feel like your posts have been showing new progress the last month or two. Keep going with it 
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Post by mrob on Oct 10, 2019 10:06:26 GMT
alexandra It’s the school of hard knocks. I’ve had a couple of instances (for want of a better word) recently that have really brought out the anxious side. This is the anxious part that was there regarding women in my teens and why I married the first woman that showed interest in me. This is the first time in my life I’ve really had the confidence to date women, or, of course, been awake to all this. Some say we’re not our attachment style, but in my experience it colours every relationship I have, big or small.
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Post by mrob on Oct 10, 2019 22:38:11 GMT
This post is in the context of trauma bonding.
I’m describing my experience of both sides of being a fearful avoidant. The AP side and the avoidant side.
When I say draw in, I mean I want to get closer. What happens there is I may try to establish the basis of something meaningful and at the hint of a question, they vapourise. They’re gone. All good to a point, then disappear. It seems disproportionate. I recognise the behaviour immediately..... as my own feeling if engulfment on the other side. It’s really hard to let them be when that happens.
I resent the inference of effort and FAs in this context. I’m feeling my way around something very different. I have no desire to change people, nor influence them to behave as I want them to. I’m managing my responses. Sweeping my side of the street. If that equates to lack of effort and ownership, I’ll put my hand up to that.
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