cat
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by cat on Sept 20, 2019 21:35:29 GMT
How does a DA reacts to being ignored by a FA? Does it trigger anxiety and a desire for closeness or even more avoidance from both parts?
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Post by dhali on Sept 21, 2019 0:00:12 GMT
The FA ends up in a pile of despair, while the DA barely remembers they were together.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 21, 2019 8:07:36 GMT
cat, usually DAs trigger FAs anxious pretty consistently and it looks more like DA/AP. If the DA healed to be more secure and wasn't distant, then it would probably trigger the FA avoidant and less interested, and the secure DA-leaning one would probably just back off, and then the FA would get anxious, rinse and repeat. The FAs I know with phantom exes, those are always ex partners who were more avoidant than them.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2019 5:30:59 GMT
How does a DA reacts to being ignored by a FA? Does it trigger anxiety and a desire for closeness or even more avoidance from both parts? I am FA and I have dated DAs, so I can tell you my experiences. With one DA that I went on 2 dates with but decided I wasn't interested in, we became good friends and he stayed interested in me and flirtatious etc, texting me all the time and so on, for a very long time. Me withdrawing certainly did not trigger his avoidance. I really don't think it made him anxious either, he just felt safe and comfortable to pursue me since I was out of reach. But I wasn't ignoring him, just brushing off his advances and telling him I solely wanted to be friends etc. This is a guy who is straight up classic DA with a decent amount of secure and no anxiety. Since attachment style is a spectrum some DAs might have more anxiety and be closer towards FA territory. He didn't trigger me anxious. But I also wasn't in a romantic relationship with him. Another DA, I dated on and off (much more off than on) for I'm not sure how long, maybe almost a year. That guy I was very attracted to, he was charming and great in bed, and during our "on" periods he would trigger me anxious a fair amount (usually by not texting for days). Our "off" periods were initiated by him not me, as he would just decide to leave the country. I never ignored him and I didn't trigger him anxious but he acted in a way that a less trained eye might perceive as anxious when early on I twice told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I think he is a good guy and genuinely wanted to fix things, and also didn't want to give up the sex and maybe was triggered to chase by me being a challenge and standing up for my needs (both times it was over him flaking on plans at the last minute), rather than due to him feeling anxious. We don't talk anymore, but it's not because either of us are "ignoring" the other, it just kind of happened mutually. I don't feel avoidant towards him, we've just both moved on. I only recall feeling triggered avoidant with him a couple of times, once was after he declared he had no feelings for me and once was when he was about to leave the country. Again, that guy was classic DA high in avoidance, low in anxiety. I think it's more common for the FA to be the one that is pulled more anxious by dating a DA and the DA to be the one who is ignoring the FA or feels like texting them back in a timely fashion or making advance plans is a huge burden. A DA won't be so likely trigger an FA avoidant due to fear of engulfment or fear of intimacy, but they might trigger avoidance in the FA due to fear of rejection. I think one of the reasons I wasn't attracted to the DA in my first example was because he didn't show his interest in me on our first date so I genuinely thought he wasn't interested. Another probable DA (well he said he was DA but said he'd been anxious in one previous relationship) who I dated I just didn't talk to for months at one point, I was really unsure about him at first and thought he was boring and must be secure at first (he was definitely not), but again no one was ignoring the other, we just both stopped texting each other. He hadn't acted interested enough for me. I eventually reignited it because I remembered him being hot. That guy triggered both my anxious and avoidant sides and it was short-lived (his decision, I think I triggered him fearful). DA exes are not the ones that absolutely crush me and I pine for for ages, it's the FA ones (who were much more FA than me) that have really affected me. It seemed easier for me to detach from a DA in my experience. Maybe they are less confusing. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 22, 2019 21:54:09 GMT
Thats interesting happyidiot, all of your experiences make a lot of sense to me. I relate to what you said about DA's being easier to get over, whereas FA's less so.
At the moment I consider myself to be breaking through a (mild) trauma bond that occurred with my FA ex. Theres a mechanism in the bonds I've formed with FA's, where when I'm traumatised (due to sudden relationship breakup and stonewalling) I then feel an urge to reach out to them for the soothing effect of reconnection. That feeling can be present for months or years. I have considered this may be why I eventually reconnect with exes, to experience the soothing of an apology or reconnection. I'm going to consciously let it go and not do that any more.
With DA's, the trauma pattern I've experienced (from my personal emotional perspective) has been along these lines: Trauma-soothing, Trauma-trauma-soothing, trauma -trauma -trauma -trauma, Then too much pain and I'm out.In the end I feel repulsed even thinking of reconnecting.
With secure partners, I attach securely. There's no trauma ever, my pattern is that these become extremely long term relationships for me, and usually we stay freinds if there's a breakup (which comes for a very good reason, with a lot of communication, rather than out of nowhere).
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Post by annieb on Dec 12, 2019 19:23:28 GMT
The short version is that we are all on a spectrum and FAs would become more anxious with a DA partner and more dismissive with an AP partner. Having the knowledge of the attachment styles did very little for me in saving the relationship other than I knew quicker I had to get away from a DA relationship instead of trying to save it. In other words it gave me the understanding that I had much less control over the outcome than I would have liked to have had.
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