Post by arial on Sept 24, 2019 20:46:48 GMT
So this is my first time posting in here and seeking some support and advice on somethings that I have been struggling with since my breakup, this might be a bit of a long read...
So quick summary of my past relationship is that I was dating a DA for 9 months (6 to be exact and 3 months of him pulling away), unaware throughout that time of our attachment styles of course, things started of really nice, he was very open and attentive in the beginning, and we spent a lot of time together and were always texting. I could clearly see now that the closer we got how slowly he would want to create some space, using work and friends as excuses, and of course I would get triggered being an AP but he would seem to be able to handle it and give me some sort of reassurance and things would be fine for a while, he would hesitate at my bids for phone calls for better communication when we are apart but he did try to consciously make an effort from time to time. He was so caring and even made so much effort to help me switch my lifestyle to a healthier one, he was guiding me and would even buy me some things to help me with it.
Things started to slowly get bad as we hit the 4 months mark, he started working on side projects and businesses which required him to take courses that would take up most of his nights, it felt like the energy he was putting in our relationship was decreasing and all he could focus on was his courses and work, i would get triggered and we would have arguments but we still find some time to see each other, although by this point he would just shut down from me whenever I got anxious, he also became a bit snappy and impatient, and in a way I felt like he felt I was being needy and should understand how important all the work is to him. whenever we hung out things were fine and we would have fun, we really enjoyed each others company, but I always had this nagging feeling that he was taking things slower than I was, not revealing much about himself or his past and keeping me at a safe space, and of course I would get triggered and want to cross his boundaries and we would both be annoyed. I just realized we had a typical AP-DA dynamic, the more I read about it the more I see how the same situations applied to our relationship!
6 months in, I felt things were getting a bit more serious but he was still so busy and I would be wanting more time and affection, then his job got really stressful and I could tell he was really tired and over worked not being to manage everything, he completely shut down and pulled away told me he wouldn't be able to see me for a month giving me a bullshit excuse and as much as it hurt I knew I had to just give him space.
I would text him from time to time and he would respond fine but just saying that work is still stressful and things hopefully will cool down in a month or two, and he would disappear again. he would come back and text me and said he wants to see me soon but hasn't even gotten the chance to breathe, he congratulated me on my new job and said he was happy for me and all and after texting me from time to time he disappeared again. this was around 8 month in. In the 9th month we barely spoke and i started losing hope in him coming back my gut feeling just told me that i should accept that even though his life was busy and stressful that if he wanted to be in our relationship he wouldn't pull away for so long, by that time I realized I hadn't seen him or properly spoken to him in 3 month!!! Around this time I had done enough reading and realized our attachment styles and was pretty aware of what is actually happening.
I called him and he didn't pick up (he didn't pick any of my calls throughout the three months anyway, would only reply to texts) that's when I was just gona text him that I'm done, only for him to send me a breakup text a few hours later. It was very precise and to the point "saying he was no longer interested" and wishing me best of luck with my work and life. I responded with an equally brief message and deleted his number and unfollowed him from everywhere.
Now a couple of months into the breakup and no contact, I'm still thinking about him!! I have been trying my best to focus my energy on myself, seeking support from my close friends really helped stay strong and I have even started practicing meditation and mindfulness, all have helped a lot but I just can't get him out of my head. Don't know if its because reading up on attachment styles has giving me a different perspective, and hope onto how things could actually work (although I'm aware it takes two people to choose a relationship and a lot of healing from both ends) or is it because I'm not proud of the times I showed up when I was triggered and needy and feel ashamed of it? I know that I really want to apologize for all those times.
I saw him out with someone 2 weeks in the breakup which seemed like a date and I know he is back on tinder, don't know if that's also keeping me from fully moving on, is this why I'm anxious, afraid that he is over me? it definitely gave me the push to go on dates myself, it just seems like I keep looking for him in all of them and it only sets me back.
I feel like the way he broke up with me didn't allow us to have that final conversation where we say what's in our hearts and get the healthy closure, but yet again I'm dealing with DA here this is exactly what he WANTED to avoid in the first place!!
I'm stuck between feeling like I should contact him one last time say what I have to say even if I don't get a response or just keep pushing and keep the No contact till the feelings go away. I know that I still miss him everyday and still love him a lot, deep down I am hoping he would come back but trying my best to be realistic about this situation and move on, I just don't know what to do.
So quick summary of my past relationship is that I was dating a DA for 9 months (6 to be exact and 3 months of him pulling away), unaware throughout that time of our attachment styles of course, things started of really nice, he was very open and attentive in the beginning, and we spent a lot of time together and were always texting. I could clearly see now that the closer we got how slowly he would want to create some space, using work and friends as excuses, and of course I would get triggered being an AP but he would seem to be able to handle it and give me some sort of reassurance and things would be fine for a while, he would hesitate at my bids for phone calls for better communication when we are apart but he did try to consciously make an effort from time to time. He was so caring and even made so much effort to help me switch my lifestyle to a healthier one, he was guiding me and would even buy me some things to help me with it.
Things started to slowly get bad as we hit the 4 months mark, he started working on side projects and businesses which required him to take courses that would take up most of his nights, it felt like the energy he was putting in our relationship was decreasing and all he could focus on was his courses and work, i would get triggered and we would have arguments but we still find some time to see each other, although by this point he would just shut down from me whenever I got anxious, he also became a bit snappy and impatient, and in a way I felt like he felt I was being needy and should understand how important all the work is to him. whenever we hung out things were fine and we would have fun, we really enjoyed each others company, but I always had this nagging feeling that he was taking things slower than I was, not revealing much about himself or his past and keeping me at a safe space, and of course I would get triggered and want to cross his boundaries and we would both be annoyed. I just realized we had a typical AP-DA dynamic, the more I read about it the more I see how the same situations applied to our relationship!
6 months in, I felt things were getting a bit more serious but he was still so busy and I would be wanting more time and affection, then his job got really stressful and I could tell he was really tired and over worked not being to manage everything, he completely shut down and pulled away told me he wouldn't be able to see me for a month giving me a bullshit excuse and as much as it hurt I knew I had to just give him space.
I would text him from time to time and he would respond fine but just saying that work is still stressful and things hopefully will cool down in a month or two, and he would disappear again. he would come back and text me and said he wants to see me soon but hasn't even gotten the chance to breathe, he congratulated me on my new job and said he was happy for me and all and after texting me from time to time he disappeared again. this was around 8 month in. In the 9th month we barely spoke and i started losing hope in him coming back my gut feeling just told me that i should accept that even though his life was busy and stressful that if he wanted to be in our relationship he wouldn't pull away for so long, by that time I realized I hadn't seen him or properly spoken to him in 3 month!!! Around this time I had done enough reading and realized our attachment styles and was pretty aware of what is actually happening.
I called him and he didn't pick up (he didn't pick any of my calls throughout the three months anyway, would only reply to texts) that's when I was just gona text him that I'm done, only for him to send me a breakup text a few hours later. It was very precise and to the point "saying he was no longer interested" and wishing me best of luck with my work and life. I responded with an equally brief message and deleted his number and unfollowed him from everywhere.
Now a couple of months into the breakup and no contact, I'm still thinking about him!! I have been trying my best to focus my energy on myself, seeking support from my close friends really helped stay strong and I have even started practicing meditation and mindfulness, all have helped a lot but I just can't get him out of my head. Don't know if its because reading up on attachment styles has giving me a different perspective, and hope onto how things could actually work (although I'm aware it takes two people to choose a relationship and a lot of healing from both ends) or is it because I'm not proud of the times I showed up when I was triggered and needy and feel ashamed of it? I know that I really want to apologize for all those times.
I saw him out with someone 2 weeks in the breakup which seemed like a date and I know he is back on tinder, don't know if that's also keeping me from fully moving on, is this why I'm anxious, afraid that he is over me? it definitely gave me the push to go on dates myself, it just seems like I keep looking for him in all of them and it only sets me back.
I feel like the way he broke up with me didn't allow us to have that final conversation where we say what's in our hearts and get the healthy closure, but yet again I'm dealing with DA here this is exactly what he WANTED to avoid in the first place!!
I'm stuck between feeling like I should contact him one last time say what I have to say even if I don't get a response or just keep pushing and keep the No contact till the feelings go away. I know that I still miss him everyday and still love him a lot, deep down I am hoping he would come back but trying my best to be realistic about this situation and move on, I just don't know what to do.
