Post by dazed on Jan 19, 2016 6:18:40 GMT
I experienced a connection with a man with whom I travelled for two weeks last year. I planned to keep the arrangement platonic due to our living in different countries but the close proximity resulted in us becoming physically close. He was caring and attentive throughout the trip, sometimes referring to me as his girlfriend and stated he hoped we would meet again.
He sent frequent messages for a few days but after this initial period became preoccupied in his work and seldom made himself available for talking. I experienced a lot of anxiety and asked what is going on. His reply was frank - he did not feel strong enough to commit or plan further meetings. However after a few days his contact resumed and we messaged each other daily for the next two months during which he sent me pictures of his work, family and home and invited me to visit his family home over Xmas, although there was also a small chance he might be called away for work.
I felt excited about the opportunity to reconnect, our messaging increased in the weeks leading up to my visit and he was making plans for things we would do together. You can imagine my shock to learn on my arrival that he had met someone else so we could only be friends, then my surprise the following morning when he told me they only met twice so he would now end it. He appeared pleased to see me initially, keen to introduce me to family and we agreed to keep to the original plan of spending time together but as he was going away again in ten days, he wished to prioritise seeing friends and family which I understood.
He described us as having a 'half relationship' and expressed uncertainty about committing fully due to his lifestyle and realisation that he often hurts others. I expressed he could only know if he could sustain a relationship if he explored the possibility. He asked how I thought things could work between us and I admitted I did not have any clear answers, suggesting we simply focus on enjoying the time we had now. I realise this might have felt disappointing for him since the other girl was so sure of wanting to be with him and he had now ended things with her.
He went to great lengths to support me over the next two days when we went away but after our trip, suggested spending the night apart. This made it difficult to progress conversations but I reasoned he needed space. We then went away with some of his friends for three nights and he chose for us to stay in the same room despite seperate beds being available. We attempted sex but were unsuccessful which probably hasn't helped. He hardly spent any time with me during the day and said he was sorry for this, admitting he made a mistake asking me over during this busy period.
He returned to work the following day and on my final night chose to stay away. We spoke on the phone and I let him know it had been a difficult visit for me. He noted I had been quiet, stated he invited me out of curiosity but decided from things I said that a relationship wouldn't work. I said I still did not have any answers as to how it could but felt the change in situation and limited time had made it difficult to tell, plus noted he had invested little time in getting to know me. He admitted his decision not to pursue relationships held him back from being intrigued and apologised about meeting someone else but said it could not have been anticipated. I can't help feeling this other girl was a form of sabotage, since there is nothing I learned about her which would suggest he feels seriously about her. Similar scenarios have happened to him in the past and since I left, they havebresumed contact so I wonder if he has replaced the fantasy of 'us' with a new fantasy.
We both have limited experience of relationships and are very independent so the pace of this relationship initially felt very comfortable. I hoped we might figure out a way of being together even though this would likely have been long distance and involved eventual relocation on my part. We might meet again in six months when he comes to my town but I have no further plans to visit him in the meantime so it would seem unlikely things can progress further. I'm keen to learn from this experience and not willing to give up if there might be some chance of putting things back on track. I would appreciate your analysis of our attachment patterns and any thoughts on what I should do next.
He sent frequent messages for a few days but after this initial period became preoccupied in his work and seldom made himself available for talking. I experienced a lot of anxiety and asked what is going on. His reply was frank - he did not feel strong enough to commit or plan further meetings. However after a few days his contact resumed and we messaged each other daily for the next two months during which he sent me pictures of his work, family and home and invited me to visit his family home over Xmas, although there was also a small chance he might be called away for work.
I felt excited about the opportunity to reconnect, our messaging increased in the weeks leading up to my visit and he was making plans for things we would do together. You can imagine my shock to learn on my arrival that he had met someone else so we could only be friends, then my surprise the following morning when he told me they only met twice so he would now end it. He appeared pleased to see me initially, keen to introduce me to family and we agreed to keep to the original plan of spending time together but as he was going away again in ten days, he wished to prioritise seeing friends and family which I understood.
He described us as having a 'half relationship' and expressed uncertainty about committing fully due to his lifestyle and realisation that he often hurts others. I expressed he could only know if he could sustain a relationship if he explored the possibility. He asked how I thought things could work between us and I admitted I did not have any clear answers, suggesting we simply focus on enjoying the time we had now. I realise this might have felt disappointing for him since the other girl was so sure of wanting to be with him and he had now ended things with her.
He went to great lengths to support me over the next two days when we went away but after our trip, suggested spending the night apart. This made it difficult to progress conversations but I reasoned he needed space. We then went away with some of his friends for three nights and he chose for us to stay in the same room despite seperate beds being available. We attempted sex but were unsuccessful which probably hasn't helped. He hardly spent any time with me during the day and said he was sorry for this, admitting he made a mistake asking me over during this busy period.
He returned to work the following day and on my final night chose to stay away. We spoke on the phone and I let him know it had been a difficult visit for me. He noted I had been quiet, stated he invited me out of curiosity but decided from things I said that a relationship wouldn't work. I said I still did not have any answers as to how it could but felt the change in situation and limited time had made it difficult to tell, plus noted he had invested little time in getting to know me. He admitted his decision not to pursue relationships held him back from being intrigued and apologised about meeting someone else but said it could not have been anticipated. I can't help feeling this other girl was a form of sabotage, since there is nothing I learned about her which would suggest he feels seriously about her. Similar scenarios have happened to him in the past and since I left, they havebresumed contact so I wonder if he has replaced the fantasy of 'us' with a new fantasy.
We both have limited experience of relationships and are very independent so the pace of this relationship initially felt very comfortable. I hoped we might figure out a way of being together even though this would likely have been long distance and involved eventual relocation on my part. We might meet again in six months when he comes to my town but I have no further plans to visit him in the meantime so it would seem unlikely things can progress further. I'm keen to learn from this experience and not willing to give up if there might be some chance of putting things back on track. I would appreciate your analysis of our attachment patterns and any thoughts on what I should do next.
