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Post by joanneg on Jul 20, 2017 1:37:32 GMT
Im a AP with my ex a DA
It has been 3 months ( 2.5 no contact) and my head is still a complete mess
I thought I was getting over it which I think I am but the sadness and hurt still lingers with me
I never ever look at my ex's social media and I dont communicate with any of his friends
The relationship of 6-10 months and knowing each other a year is almost a blur
I just cant get over happened
We seemed to love each other very deeply . I never thought he would give up so easily and just completely do a turn and 180 on the relationship... a completely different person...
He sued to be caring .. and care about me... to nothing... could not care less ...
At the end massive distancing / not returning calls or texts / shutting down / no sex / no goodness.. no even actual "dumping" just fading.. where I had to say this is not right...
He couldn't even give me a conversation... The relationship wasnt even that great... but i thought we did have a connection.. I really think its my ego that is struggling and massively hurt and my attachment style is triggering continued anxiety as opposed to my want for the relationship
I put my DA on a pedestal ... even though as a person (not a DA) he is not that that amazing.. drug habit, in debt, unsocial able.. Im not saying im great at all.. I just cant understand how I cant get over this ...
I've been working on myself loads.. going to the gym , eating right, being positive, engaging in hobbies and good positive people...I want to better myself .. I want to never be here again...
I know time is the best healer but if someone brings up my ex's name I just still feel massive anxiety and stress still...
How can someone supposedly care about you / want a future together to just ... absolutely nothing .. no anything
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Post by cmag82 on Jul 20, 2017 5:30:37 GMT
I love how you said your ego is struggling more than actually wanting the relationship. I feel I've been in the same situation lately. I also agree with the relationship feeling like a blur.
My relationship was very similar to yours except my ex kept wanting to break things off over and over and over again but I always managed to help him stay for just a little bit longer. I think I always knew it was a matter of time before we weren't speaking at all.
My ex claims to care about me as a person and has said many times that he knows if he had just listened to my concerns a lot of what happened could have been avoided yet he still avoids me.
We had a great talk about understanding both of us are good people and I wanted to get to know him all over again because I feel like I don't even know who I spent a year of my life with. I thought everything was good between us (as friends) and when I reached out to him again he completely ignored me.
It's hard to accept but over time it starts to get easier. I think I'm finally realizing that it doesn't matter what I say to him anymore. We will still be in the same place as before. A part of me knows for sure we would be amazing together but I also realize he has to see it for himself and realize the damage he's done.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. These forums have really helped me and I hope you find some peace.
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Post by pooched on Jul 20, 2017 12:35:21 GMT
Sorry to hear joanneg.... I'm working to understand it, all having now discovered attachment theory and realize that he is a DA.
Yes it's stressful... hang on tight... one year with him is not a big investment... let it go and chalk it up to a learning experience.
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Post by joanneg on Jul 20, 2017 12:54:16 GMT
Thank you for both caring and your kind words
This forum has definitely helped me
I almost wish my DA came back and tried to speak with me although that is just my ego talking. I would like to talk to him though but really it's probably for the best he doesn't. I probably would want to be with him in that way and it would never work.
I'm almost more disappointed in myself about how the relationship went my neediness and insecurity however as a semi secure I know my anxious tendencies were a result of his massive push/pull
Really it was never going to work
I just hope he thinks about me sometimes or misses me but i really don't think he does
I'm so lucky it only lasted a year and I am 28 so it has taught me a huge lesson on what I want and need in a partner and what kind of partner and person I want to be
I can't believe 8 months passed and then you got back together... were yous in contact the whole time? What was his approach when he came back?
I hope it gets better for yous as well
It's such an awful situation to be in however you just need to take a positive from it
I just miss him ... I somehow thought we'd end up together...and then boom gone.... however I think I've built a fantasy in my head much more than than anything
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Post by pooched on Jul 20, 2017 17:00:52 GMT
My three kids range in age from 22 to 28 and they are Secure. I'm slightly PA and previously have had relationships where I was Secure, but with a DA, I veered into PA territory and am trying to recover back into becoming Secure again. After reading about Attachment Theory and especially about DAs, I'm now sending links to my kids... they know what I'm going through with this DA and it's good that they see a working example of this, up close and personal. They feel for my plight and now is aware of what I'm going through, although as a parent, I don't want to "burden" them with my troubles, so I really am suffering silently.
As for the story of our previous breakup:
- I broke with him as I felt he disrespected me with his ghosting behaviours when the going was good.
- Four months later, he contacted to return some of my stuff, made a pass at me, then went cold. He tried to fish a couple more times.
- at the 8 month mark, he wished me well for holidays and "hope to see me soon" - I just wished him good holidays... since we live in the same building, I don't want it to be awkward. He persisted and we went out for coffee,
- we never spoke of the experience as I'm sure that he is aware of what the issues were... I just chalked it up to my own needy behaviour and thought that he was a bit of a narcissist which is ok in his profession. The big problem is that at this age, we are both physically active, are Explorers (per Helen Fisher), attractive, disciplined, successful, financially secure and intelligent -- it's hard to find a better match on paper.
All was good for about 2 years, he was showing a bit more affection (pats on the head and the hand and actually walks beside me) and I was cutting him some slack.... but he started ghosting me a couple of months ago (something was happening and he had some healing to do with his adult children and ex-wife). There are details here which I won't divulge.... but suffice it to say, his grown children have suffered and are showing signs of issues due to his and his ex-wife's behaviours and attachment styles -- as I read more here, I'm getting a way different picture of the true nature of the dysfunction. As for me, he's treating me with way too much disrespect for me to continue and keep my sanity. He also admitted that his parents are not pleased with how he treats me.
As an Explorer type, I love what we had, what we have shared and what he has exposed me to and I believe that he feels the same. I'm not sure if he loves me, even after all this time... I can only say... as much as he is able to. His friends are amazed that I've held his attention for this long... he is known to be odd, cold and distant... most of his other relationships lasts about 2 to 3 months.
I'm not holding hope. Actually, sometimes, I wish I can get a lobotomy of some sort or brainwash to forget the memories, as they work against my resolve to not get caught up into the push-pull, rinse-repeat cycle again. But the attraction is still very strong.
Count yourself lucky that you've only been in it for a year and that you are young and that you are in NC -- there are many more Secures to choose from and begin a life with! Best of all, wish that he will leave you be to continue your life. Knowing what he is should give you enough closure, don't open yourself to more hurt and heartache! Hugs!
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Post by cricket on Jul 20, 2017 17:45:28 GMT
Reading thru this post is comforting. No one here is alone in their solitude.
It is hard for people like us to fathom how they can go so cold. Mine once said his feelings arent like a light switch he can turn off and on but his actions sure seemed like it. Although I know my neediness totally triggered him too.
Its been almost 2 month NC by his choice and I am still working thru it. Theres nothing else I can do.
I am really starting to appreciate what he has shown me and forced me to look at about myself and my own issues.
Its what we do w our time that will heal us so good for you that you are staying busy but its also essential to give yourself permission and time to cry it out and let your internal words mimic what a best friend or wise grandmother would say. Thats an important part of healing too.
Dont get stuck in the suck of it like I have sometimes.
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