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Post by alexandra on Oct 2, 2019 20:25:59 GMT
caro, I still think you're taking on too much and trying too hard to fill in the blanks. This is someone who is depressed, who recently adjusted to anti-depressants (which may have muted his personality, though he had avoidant tendencies even before that), and who is going through an identity-crisis of sorts, either trying to figure that out with far work travels or trying to run away from it with far work travels. I don't think he's thinking very hard about his situation with you at all. I'm not saying that to be mean, or because I think he'll never revisit it, but because it just doesn't help you at all to keep ruminating about this. You said what you had to, so he knows you're sorry about a potential misunderstanding and wish to reconnect. If he's doing better, he will eventually get back to you. Personally, I want to see you reflecting on yourself and going further through the mourning process right now instead of trying to figure him out. You are where you are in your process, but I observe it's still very him-focused, and I think more clarity than you expect about what's going on with him will actually come from you figuring out what you're feeling and how to fulfill that on your own, because you'll strengthen your ability to connect emotional dots.
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 23:18:17 GMT
If someone de activates and ghosts you for over a month or longer is there any real relationship at that point though? I guess a friendship or more distant uncommitted thing could make sense. But how do people manage to be in serious relationship like that? De activation for a few days or maybe a week of no contact randomly when an FA is feeling overwhelmed or shut down could make sense of holding together the emotional energy of that trust and bond together ,maybe a longer de activation with saying they need some time to themselves for a bit or something would make sense too. but after a certain point it just seems like an ended relationship until they randomly decide to show up again. Good question Stu. I honestly don't know if there is a `rule' , because FA's trust incredibly slowly. I only know that stonewalling (not responding to contact) for a week starts to feel pretty awful for me, and if it went for over a month I'd grieve the loss of connection. And grief is such a painful process, there's just no way I could jump back on the horse simply because they showed up again. When my first FA ex showed up again ( a month after disappearing) he apologised an awful lot, and then tried to make amends. A year later, I consider him one of my closest friends, and he's reliable. But now there's this barrier inside of me he can't penetrate any more. Guy hurt me too much. And logically, what i see is that his FA's stuff plays out in sexually intimate relationships only, but he can attach much more securely as a friend. Which is all I really want..stable secure people in my life. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 23:33:34 GMT
caro , I still think you're taking on too much and trying too hard to fill in the blanks. This is someone who is depressed, who recently adjusted to anti-depressants (which may have muted his personality, though he had avoidant tendencies even before that), and who is going through an identity-crisis of sorts, either trying to figure that out with far work travels or trying to run away from it with far work travels. I don't think he's thinking very hard about his situation with you at all. I'm not saying that to be mean, or because I think he'll never revisit it, but because it just doesn't help you at all to keep ruminating about this. You said what you had to, so he knows you're sorry about a potential misunderstanding and wish to reconnect. If he's doing better, he will eventually get back to you. Personally, I want to see you reflecting on yourself and going further through the mourning process right now instead of trying to figure him out. You are where you are in your process, but I observe it's still very him-focused, and I think more clarity than you expect about what's going on with him will actually come from you figuring out what you're feeling and how to fulfill that on your own, because you'll strengthen your ability to connect emotional dots. Amazing Insightful post, Alexandra. And I agree with what you said about meds. Someone with symptoms of dissociation already + meds can cause so much disconnection from loved ones. I've known of long marriages to break apart when a PTSD victim got prescribed meds and they `suddenly no longer loved' their wife or family. As a casual partner, I couldn't imagine what power or right anyone would have to discuss this  Guy feels he needs meds right now, and all you can do is respect that. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 3, 2019 3:36:48 GMT
but I guess it’s not enough and I’m failing and not moving on fast enough. You're not failing. You are where you are, and wherever that is and whatever speed is okay. Please don't discount your progress. Just want to redirect focus back to yourself. Wanting to repair with someone isn't AP, but ruminating over it if you don't get the response you desire is AP. Ruminating is different than just being sad and mourning it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2019 4:06:37 GMT
this is normal. just because you guys broke up does not mean you were not valuable to each other, it just meant you were not compatible together. I still feel bad about my ex, and I still feel anger/hurt towards how he treated me, but rather than being upset about being upset, I just let it be so that it can move through me, and not grow and grow and grow in a repressed place. I think of it as it's just leftover vibrations/baggage from the past, and it's fine that it's still there - it needs to be worked off by expressing and processing them. This seems to be a state of evolution, and it is not a immediate change - it takes time to work off the old and grow the new. Rome is not built in a day!
also, APs feel very bad about hurting someone else. Like VERY. it's normal to feel bad, cos that just means you're a decent human. It goes into annoying when all you care about is you and you and you, and how you've done things. that's when the insecure part gets offensive to others. *edit because I didn't realise I didn't finish my thoughts*
I think you're doing great so far in gaining self awareness and healing. Don't beat yourself up too much over things you are just only starting to learn and disentangle. You do you, and choose who that is you want to be!
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Post by alexandra on Oct 3, 2019 13:15:44 GMT
I don’t know if anyone else goes through this, but I have noticed that I’m almost borderline avoidant of people in the weirdest way right now... like I just don’t want to put up with anyone’s criticism now that I’m connecting dots back. It’s weird and hard to explain. Almost like I’m still as sensitive but now kind of more like screw you... I don’t know, can’t formulate that into words yet. That sounds normal to me. Discomfort is 100% part of this process. You've spent your whole life looking to others as having more valid opinions than yourself, and now you're starting to tap into listening to yourself as well. Earning security comes with being able to listen and trust both self and others... others sometimes are more correct but having the trust in yourself to think critically about it and ultimately make the decisions you think are correct with all the information. Sounds like there's anger in your processing this part, which can also be part of it. Keep exploring and leaning into yourself, feel the anger and know it's totally okay if that's what's there. But don't ultimately let the anger overwhelm you and get stuck until you distrust others (that would create longer-term actual avoidance instead of the growing pains you're feeling now getting used to accepting the foreign feeling of your own self and needs and decisions being valid). |
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Post by serenity on Oct 3, 2019 17:54:11 GMT
Thanks @shiningstar - I think an official end or something would be easier than 9 months then a few words the past month and nothing else... but I get he’s in his own world and probably still feeling betrayed by me etc. He did respond to apology so that’s good I guess. It was such a sudden shift after my misspoken words that’s it feels obvious it’s related but yeh there’s a bunch else going on. I think so too Caroline. I mean when someone suddenly disconnects but doesn't end a relationship after 9 months, it would leave anyone guessing and feeling like they did something wrong. Its just a really poor way of treating people. At this point, what are your thoughts about the time frame frame you'd be willing to allow before going NC and giving yourself space to heal? |
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Guy feels he needs meds right now, and all you can do is respect that.