|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2019 2:01:41 GMT
I honestly cannot say the specific trigger...but it felt so deep...so unbearable and I felt this wave of missing out accompanied by the same images of him being better off with his new girlfriend. I don’t know why it is important for me to hurt myself this way....but it has to stem from somewhere. My throat is tight, I am in tears...but I am sitting in this...knowing that I will find my footing again.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 5:18:52 GMT
I honestly cannot say the specific trigger...but it felt so deep...so unbearable and I felt this wave of missing out accompanied by the same images of him being better off with his new girlfriend. I don’t know why it is important for me to hurt myself this way....but it has to stem from somewhere. My throat is tight, I am in tears...but I am sitting in this...knowing that I will find my footing again. - I feel for you. S blocked me bc I lashed out in texts Friday night. We pushed each other over our limits. Now I know it will take him much longer if ever to get over it. I was so discouraged today, too thinking why can’t I accept and walk away from someone who told me to move on and then blocked me? I felt like there was something deeply wrong with me to want to stay and repair- yet that’s all I want to do. And if he continues to block and not respond I know how that will be the worst for my anxiety. I guess all of these bumps and bruises along the way give us motivation to work on our security? This time of silence will certainly motivate me. Good luck and breathe - we’ll both be okay, no matter what 🌻 |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 7, 2019 6:45:53 GMT
faithopelove What is lashing out - what do you write in your texts ? How would you receive your own text ? Some input: Are you being a chill girl and/or using blind compassion, neurotic tolerance, spiritual bypassing, until you can not do that any more, because you are overstepping your own boundaries and you are not getting your needs met, so that is it is not healthy for yourself any more ? If that's the case, it sounds exhausting. thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cdYou can Regulate, watertank exercise, ground yourself, - stop -,pause - put your phone down - find some paper - work with the boundarie setting model ect. and get back when you have slept on it and are more clear and can act more rationel (mostly for your own sake and dignify) - use the I choose model, use coming into secure exercise, my predictable people exercise, focusing on caring people from your past and now ect jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ectAs one of my teachers says: the wise man/woman stops! You don't HAVE to respond, when your are in an unregulated mode or if you can see, that the discussion doesn't go anywhere. You always have a choise... You can also try to look at Abraham Hicks emotionel guidance scale. Find out where you are on the scale. Accepect where You are on the scale, notise when You are going down at the scale and find out what You Can do to go one step up on the scale. And wait until you can move up on the scale and can act from a more worthy place. You can think about what "keys" that can help you to get up, when you are going down in your feelings, thinking and actions. You can write them down and keep the list in your phone, your pocket ect. One of my teachers uses the emotional guidance scale in her education. Top down - thinking - feeling - action model To regulate can be pushing your arms and hands out Infront of you while sitting on a chair feeling your seat knots, legs and feet against the floor. Also kicking one leg out at a time while sitting down on a chair can help you to regulate and feel your power and your boundaries. Do it in slow motion the movement/reflex like a baby would use to help himself/herself to get pushed out of the birth canal. I know you already know a lot of these exercises - just an input in case you forgot about them. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1864/deadlines
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 11:59:52 GMT
This is excellent guidance. I read a lot of accounts here about being the chill girl, the neurotic tolerance, and from the AP perspective it seems to be viewed as causing no problems, being loving and patient, being a good partner. But in actuality everyone needs reciprocity and respect,
and this pattern of behavior only denies that to one's own detriment. It simply reinforces the pattern of helplessness and abandonment only as adults in this situation the first abandonment is of the self, the secondary abandonment is from the partner. That's how I view it, without the first abandonment of self with the problem of being a yes girl waiting for change, the second abandonment wouldn't take place because a protective choice must be made. Getting out of chronic yes and unhealthy tolerance is empowering and enables adult relating. It facilitates discernment in partner choice.
This is applicable to all attachment styles but plays out differently. I do suspect that AP are more prone to accepting what isn't acceptable and that it can go to more extremes for them, driving them deeper into anxiety. But avoidants also tolerate behavior that crosses lines and tend to avoid the conflict and suppress their discomfort, it may be difficult to define and feel like a vague quicksand feeling and they aren't sure what to do about it, and then shut down and numb out.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 14:36:10 GMT
faithopelove What is lashing out - what do you write in your texts ? How would you receive your own text ? Some input: Are you being a chill girl and/or using blind compassion, neurotic tolerance, spiritual bypassing ect until you can not do that any more, because you are overstepping your own boundaries and you are not getting your needs met, so that is it is not healthy for yourself any more ? If that's the case, it sounds exhausting. thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cdYou can Regulate - stop -,pause - put your phone down - find some paper - work with the boundarie setting model ect. and get back when you have slept on it and are more clear and can act more rationel (mostly for your own sake and dignify) - use the I choose model ect jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ectAs one of my teachers says: the wise man/woman stops! You don't HAVE to respond, when your are in an unregulated mode or if you can see, that the discussion doesn't go anywhere. You always have a choise... You can also try to look at Abraham Hicks emotionel guidance scale. Find out where you are on the scale. Accepect where You are on the scale, notise when You are going down at the scale and find out what You Can do to go one step up on the scale. And wait until you can move up on the scale and can act from a more worthy place. You can think about what "keys" that can help you to get up, when you are going down in your feelings, thinking and actions. You can write them down and keep the list in your phone, your pocket ect. One of my teachers uses the emotional guidance scale in her education. Top down - thinking - feeling - action model To regulate can be pushing your arms and hands out Infront of you while sitting on a chair feeling your seat knots, legs and feet against the floor. Also kicking one leg out at a time while sitting down on a chair can help you to regulate and feel your power and your boundaries. Do it in slow motion the movement/reflex like a baby would use to help himself/herself to get pushed out of the birth canal. I know you already know a lot of these exercises - just an input in case you forgot about them. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1864/deadlines - Great advice. Thank you very much. Unfortunately, in the moment I didn’t follow any healthy decisions Fri night and instead texted in an emotionally reactive state. I felt rejected and said some things that never should’ve been said, especially in a text and especially when my emotions were running high. He has since blocked me. I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 14:58:28 GMT
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewallingfaithopelove , I think it's important to understand stonewalling in terms of the physiological implications for both parties. In an avoidant it's connected to overwhelm and self soothing. In an anxious, it's provocative and causes acute physiological distress. For the avoidant, the shit down is in response to acute physiological distress. The opposite reactions occur in the parties. It doesn't make stonewalling ok, it just gives a real perspective so you can validate what is happening in you while trying also to develop boundaries and a healthy response to yourself , and protect yourself. It's all very painful all the way around, someone who doesn't shut down physiologically can find that impossible to understand. I am not AT ALL encouraging tolerance for stonewalling. While it has its roots in insecurity and physiology, it's detrimental, and not something that you can healthily tolerate if you're looking to establish a healthy mutual relationship. This is about objective understanding only so you can change your narrative about whatever it provokes in you, and take your own mental/emotional health in hand. That's where the progress lies.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 15:00:38 GMT
tnr9 sorry for the diverted topic, I think it's good you're recognizing it and strongly encourage taking that to your SE therapist. Exploring these kinds of things myself, with my therapist, has been so enlightening.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2019 15:02:12 GMT
This is excellent guidance. I read a lot of accounts here about being the chill girl, the neurotic tolerance, and from the AP perspective it seems to be viewed as causing no problems, being loving and patient, being a good partner. But in actuality everyone needs reciprocity and respect, and this pattern of behavior only denies that to one's own detriment. It simply reinforces the pattern of helplessness and abandonment only as adults in this situation the first abandonment is of the self, the secondary abandonment is from the partner. That's how I view it, without the first abandonment of self with the problem of being a yes girl waiting for change, the second abandonment wouldn't take place because a protective choice must be made. Getting out of chronic yes and unhealthy tolerance is empowering and enables adult relating. It facilitates discernment in partner choice. This is applicable to all attachment styles but plays out differently. I do suspect that AP are more prone to accepting what isn't acceptable and that it can go to more extremes for them, driving them deeper into anxiety. But avoidants also tolerate behavior that crosses lines and tend to avoid the conflict and suppress their discomfort, it may be difficult to define and feel like a vague quicksand feeling and they aren't sure what to do about it, and then shut down and numb out. I think trying to be “acceptable” to those we care about is a long stemming issue....it is so easy to get trapped in the quicksand of “I can’t be fully me because being fully me was intolerable” to those I cared about”. But I agree that that approach eventually leads to protest behaviors. I think there is this societal template that the perfect girl is calm and hill...at least, that is what I sensed my whole life. The desire to not cross boundaries comes with a heavy cost. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2019 15:05:17 GMT
tnr9 sorry for the diverted topic, I think it's good you're recognizing it and strongly encourage taking that to your SE therapist. Exploring these kinds of things myself, with my therapist, has been so enlightening. That is actually why I write here..so I remember the topics I want to raise. Today I feel better...more open, less tight. I am trying to feel where these emotions reside in my body. Mainly it has been jaw and throat with external tears. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 7, 2019 15:17:39 GMT
faithopelove "I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair." Sometimes, the best way for repair is to respect someone's boundaries by giving them space. I know that makes you feel overwhelmed with fear that he'll disappear forever and never come back, and you want to control that outcome (ie by being able to reach out, apologize, "repair" as you'd desire). That's where @inmourning 's advice to not make the need for space about you comes in. This may not help right away if you're triggered anxious, but there's something to being able to accept that his stonewalling on some level has been a part of this relationship always and whether or not that truly meets your long-term needs. Inmourning, your $hit down typo gave me a good laugh. How accurate to describe stonewalling 
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 15:29:23 GMT
faithopelove "I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair." Sometimes, the best way for repair is to respect someone's boundaries by giving them space. I know that makes you feel overwhelmed with fear that he'll disappear forever and never come back, and you want to control that outcome (ie by being able to reach out, apologize, "repair" as you'd desire). That's where @inmourning 's advice to not make the need for space about you comes in. This may not help right away if you're triggered anxious, but there's something to being able to accept that his stonewalling on some level has been a part of this relationship always and whether or not that truly meets your long-term needs. Inmourning, your $hit down typo gave me a good laugh. How accurate to describe stonewalling 😂😂😂 Honestly I'm not a stonewaller but the whole deactivation thing is like being down in the shit too 😭 It's all shitty 😖 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 15:33:05 GMT
faithopelove "I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair." Sometimes, the best way for repair is to respect someone's boundaries by giving them space. I know that makes you feel overwhelmed with fear that he'll disappear forever and never come back, and you want to control that outcome (ie by being able to reach out, apologize, "repair" as you'd desire). That's where @inmourning 's advice to not make the need for space about you comes in. This may not help right away if you're triggered anxious, but there's something to being able to accept that his stonewalling on some level has been a part of this relationship always and whether or not that truly meets your long-term needs. Inmourning, your $hit down typo gave me a good laugh. How accurate to describe stonewalling Oh also, as to the fear that someone will disappear and not come back- when I deactivate the attachment feeling simply is not discernible to me and I get very confused as to what I've been doing and what is next. It's a very disconnected space and it scares me too- not scared in terms of "I'm going to lose my relationship" but scared in terms of "I don't understand who I am or what I should do here." The relationship is a conundrum at that point and I'm just trying to tread water. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 22:02:06 GMT
faithopelove "I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair." Sometimes, the best way for repair is to respect someone's boundaries by giving them space. I know that makes you feel overwhelmed with fear that he'll disappear forever and never come back, and you want to control that outcome (ie by being able to reach out, apologize, "repair" as you'd desire). That's where @inmourning 's advice to not make the need for space about you comes in. This may not help right away if you're triggered anxious, but there's something to being able to accept that his stonewalling on some level has been a part of this relationship always and whether or not that truly meets your long-term needs. Inmourning, your $hit down typo gave me a good laugh. How accurate to describe stonewalling Oh also, as to the fear that someone will disappear and not come back- when I deactivate the attachment feeling simply is not discernible to me and I get very confused as to what I've been doing and what is next. It's a very disconnected space and it scares me too- not scared in terms of "I'm going to lose my relationship" but scared in terms of "I don't understand who I am or what I should do here." The relationship is a conundrum at that point and I'm just trying to tread water. @inmourning - yes, even though I feel the best thing I can do for him and the thing he needs most is space, the separation scares me (although my fear of rejection goes down when I don’t contact him). At the end of his needing space I don’t whether he’ll be relieved to not have me around or possibly miss me. I feel like he views relationships as cost/liability quotient. At times, since he’s not expressive often, I would prompt him and say “I miss you! Do you miss me too?” and he would usually reply “Of course I miss you, I love seeing you!” But coming off this big blowup Fri I don’t know how he’ll feel....he did block me for the first time. I know my words were biting- in rational hindsight. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 22:11:07 GMT
faithopelove "I feel badly that I was reactive and said some unkind things and worse also bc I can’t attempt repair." Sometimes, the best way for repair is to respect someone's boundaries by giving them space. I know that makes you feel overwhelmed with fear that he'll disappear forever and never come back, and you want to control that outcome (ie by being able to reach out, apologize, "repair" as you'd desire). That's where @inmourning 's advice to not make the need for space about you comes in. This may not help right away if you're triggered anxious, but there's something to being able to accept that his stonewalling on some level has been a part of this relationship always and whether or not that truly meets your long-term needs. Inmourning, your $hit down typo gave me a good laugh. How accurate to describe stonewalling - That typo made me smile too- I needed that!! 😁 You totally nailed the AP view on space. He needs it and as much as I know that and try not to take it personally, I want to race to his house!! Repair is this driving force in me. Reconnect, restore. I wanted badly to go to his house last night once I realized I was blocked, but I didn’t. He’s never blocked me before so I know it’s serious for him and the last thing he wants is a surprise drop in. He tells me normally to text right before I leave my house to go over. I made some remarks Fri about feeling used the past two years bc we never leave his bedroom. As much as I do feel that way and want to move things out of the bedroom, I think to him he’s actually opening himself up by having me over and being physical. I think it’s a pretty big deal to him, so that remark unfortunately will stick with him. What’s done is done though..... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 22:21:40 GMT
faithopelove, there is no way to anticipate how he'll feel, but for all of us involved in insecurely attached relationships, the primary focus needs to be on gaining progress on our own emotional health. He is not committed to the health of the relationship, he has not defined a commitment to resolving issues come what may. That leaves you with these very painful feelings and reactions, and even if you don't know the outcome for this fallout I'd encourage you to get with a therapist post haste if you don't have one. If you two reconnect the same triggers and behaviors will all still be there until they are actively transformed in one or both of you. If the relationship is to work, or if it fails, managing your physiological and emotional realities as an AP is the only way to become happier and healthier, from what I can see. If he reached out today it wouldn't rewire your brain and body for secure relating- it would only trigger all the issues that reside in you and in the relationship all over again. It's a long slog through this and you can do your part with or without him. Wouldn't it be nice to have a different response? From him or from you? It won't happen until one of you makes progress. Most likely not him. Most likely you. And, whether he connects with you again, or not- you're stuck with you (we all are) no matter what and I don't know about you, but I think it sucks to be tossed around by my attachment wound. That's an understatement.
|
|
