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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 23:12:51 GMT
faithopelove, there is no way to anticipate how he'll feel, but for all of us involved in insecurely attached relationships, the primary focus needs to be on gaining progress on our own emotional health. He is not committed to the health of the relationship, he has not defined a commitment to resolving issues come what may. That leaves you with these very painful feelings and reactions, and even if you don't know the outcome for this fallout I'd encourage you to get with a therapist post haste if you don't have one. If you two reconnect the same triggers and behaviors will all still be there until they are actively transformed in one or both of you. If the relationship is to work, or if it fails, managing your physiological and emotional realities as an AP is the only way to become happier and healthier, from what I can see. If he reached out today it wouldn't rewire your brain and body for secure relating- it would only trigger all the issues that reside in you and in the relationship all over again. It's a long slog through this and you can do your part with or without him. Wouldn't it be nice to have a different response? From him or from you? It won't happen until one of you makes progress. Most likely not him. Most likely you. And, whether he connects with you again, or not- you're stuck with you (we all are) no matter what and I don't know about you, but I think it sucks to be tossed around by my attachment wound. That's an understatement. @inmourning - Yes, I absolutely hear you, I am always stuck with me. The prewired reactions need to change. I had a therapist and stopped going. She was an attachment therapist but I’d like to try what you recommended this time. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 23:55:01 GMT
It's a whole different approach, but it's expensive! If you can find an SE therapist that's covered by your insurance that's awesome. As for me I'm paying cash, $150 per appt. It's an investment and worth it.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2019 0:23:15 GMT
It's a whole different approach, but it's expensive! If you can find an SE therapist that's covered by your insurance that's awesome. As for me I'm paying cash, $150 per appt. It's an investment and worth it. @inmourning Wow!! I’ll try to get coverage. I’m just a teacher Lol |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 8, 2019 0:25:41 GMT
. . . If he reached out today it wouldn't rewire your brain and body for secure relating- it would only trigger all the issues that reside in you and in the relationship all over again . . . I think this is SO key to remember.... |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2019 0:33:31 GMT
It's a whole different approach, but it's expensive! If you can find an SE therapist that's covered by your insurance that's awesome. As for me I'm paying cash, $150 per appt. It's an investment and worth it. @inmourning Wow!! I’ll try to get coverage. I’m just a teacher Lol I know, it really stings. The upside is I haven't been deactivating as hard or as often. My general energy seems to be better in fact, coming out of a low energy deep avoidant state I guess. That's all the background nervous system stuff being healed I suppose. I've spent less time in solitude and more engaged in a hobby in a social setting. I feel a shift in my life and my relationships. I've been able to begin to grieve things I left of and suppressed . That's been heartbreaking. But of course I have to, and I want to let it all go. I didn't know there was stuff packed up inside me like it is. So anyway, I didn't know I could come this far. It's only been a short time but I had done a lot of work and had awareness for quite some time before I started SE/Dynamic attachment work with this therapist. The work has been effective for sure, but in addition I think that the big key here is that it has given me hope that I didn't have before. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2019 1:05:28 GMT
@inmourning Wow!! I’ll try to get coverage. I’m just a teacher Lol I know, it really stings. The upside is I haven't been deactivating as hard or as often. My general energy seems to be better in fact, coming out of a low energy deep avoidant state I guess. That's all the background nervous system stuff being healed I suppose. I've spent less time in solitude and more engaged in a hobby in a social setting. I feel a shift in my life and my relationships. I've been able to begin to grieve things I left of and suppressed . That's been heartbreaking. But of course I have to, and I want to let it all go. I didn't know there was stuff packed up inside me like it is. So anyway, I didn't know I could come this far. It's only been a short time but I had done a lot of work and had awareness for quite some time before I started SE/Dynamic attachment work with this therapist. The work has been effective for sure, but in addition I think that the big key here is that it has given me hope that I didn't have before. @inmourning - That’s wonderful that you’re making such progress and feeling better. 🙂 You give me hope. Attachment style seems so hard to change, such deeply engrained patterns....sometimes I feel although I may improve I may never really break my “default” settings and established patterns. I feel really screwed up sometimes- losing it when triggered- less often but still happens, not being able to let go etc. certainly plenty to address in healing and self-love. I thought about signing up for Thais Gibson’s class offerings on YouTube as well - I really like her videos. Non-judgmental and accepting to all insecure types and insightful |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 8, 2019 1:32:41 GMT
It's a whole different approach, but it's expensive! If you can find an SE therapist that's covered by your insurance that's awesome. As for me I'm paying cash, $150 per appt. It's an investment and worth it. It is expensive...but I think the approach is so different and well worth the expense....it is an investment in me. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2019 2:10:57 GMT
It's a whole different approach, but it's expensive! If you can find an SE therapist that's covered by your insurance that's awesome. As for me I'm paying cash, $150 per appt. It's an investment and worth it. It is expensive...but I think the approach is so different and well worth the expense....it is an investment in me. It's really cool we are both trying it. I'm curious to see how it works for you as you get into the somatic work. faithopelove I really feel you about not really believing you can change your default settings. I am not out of the woods yet, but making great strides. I can't imagine not holding the deactivated mindset. By that I mean, the sense of the fragility of life, of wanting to stay on the edge of vulnerability but not all the way in it, that dreadful sense of mourning as if loss has already happened. Those things come up when I am too touched, too open, too attached to anything or anyone. They come up also when I am just hurt and overwhelmed with some kind of painful life stressor. I've always been so resilient, and I am still resilient, I just hurt more. Consciously. So there are so many positive aspects to this but also it reveals the depth of my pain. Over my life I became more and more deeply avoidant. I've spent some years crawling out but really not being able to alter the physiological shut down. That shut down was preventing me from accessing what it was triggering- original abandonment. I don't have have a huge issue with engulfment because I'm with an avoidant and very autonomous and independent in every realm of my life- down to being self employed. I do still often feel I've made one step forward and two steps back or that I've wasted my time trying to work on all the things I've worked on, when I'm triggered or just frustrated that this is my life. I am trying to turn my attention to gratitude because I have a lot to be thankful for, for sure. Even making progress on this road is painful. It's just a painful road for me. The good thing is I have really good companions and it's not my WHOLE life that's impacted acutely. Thank goodness for that. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 8, 2019 9:06:15 GMT
I know, it really stings. The upside is I haven't been deactivating as hard or as often. My general energy seems to be better in fact, coming out of a low energy deep avoidant state I guess. That's all the background nervous system stuff being healed I suppose. I've spent less time in solitude and more engaged in a hobby in a social setting. I feel a shift in my life and my relationships. I've been able to begin to grieve things I left of and suppressed . That's been heartbreaking. But of course I have to, and I want to let it all go. I didn't know there was stuff packed up inside me like it is. So anyway, I didn't know I could come this far. It's only been a short time but I had done a lot of work and had awareness for quite some time before I started SE/Dynamic attachment work with this therapist. The work has been effective for sure, but in addition I think that the big key here is that it has given me hope that I didn't have before. @inmourning - That’s wonderful that you’re making such progress and feeling better. 🙂 You give me hope. Attachment style seems so hard to change, such deeply engrained patterns....sometimes I feel although I may improve I may never really break my “default” settings and established patterns. I feel really screwed up sometimes- losing it when triggered- less often but still happens, not being able to let go etc. certainly plenty to address in healing and self-love. I thought about signing up for Thais Gibson’s class offerings on YouTube as well - I really like her videos. Non-judgmental and accepting to all insecure types and insightful I think there is something so powerful about being acknowledged as not being screwed up....the feeling of being screwed up is not something you are born with...it is something that, over time was placed on you...layer by layer....SE is, as I see it, a way to pull back those painful layers. It is allowing your body to tell you the story that your conscious mind may have pushed aside. I think part of the healing is letting go of the attachment label...you are not AP but are a person with a bunch of behaviors and thought patterns that align to that attachment. One thing my SE therapist and I have uncovered is that I felt so judged, so much in the spotlight, so center stage for how I appeared externally, that I have grown to literally reject looking at the externals of partners and instead have only focused on “potential” and what I see “inside”. He has a history of short term relationships...no biggie, he has a history of drug/alcohol use....ok, he is emotionally unavailable...not a problem...I can literally justify all of it....and even writing this makes me well up with tears because it literally feels wrong to even consider any of that. In a sense...it is a lovely, grace giving perspective...I will not judge you because I too have been judged....however, my therapist has pointed out....it is important to consider externals...not to judge the other person...but solely to see if there truly is compatibility. I may be picking lovely, caring boys inside emotionally unavailable men...but they are still emotionally unavailable. I would not have explored this without my SE therapist. I think videos are great at looking at behavior...but I think a therapist can unravel the deeper stuff in a way that no video can. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 8, 2019 18:47:40 GMT
One thing my SE therapist and I have uncovered is that I felt so judged, so much in the spotlight, so center stage for how I appeared externally, that I have grown to literally reject looking at the externals of partners and instead have only focused on “potential” and what I see “inside”. He has a history of short term relationships...no biggie, he has a history of drug/alcohol use....ok, he is emotionally unavailable...not a problem...I can literally justify all of it....and even writing this makes me well up with tears because it literally feels wrong to even consider any of that. In a sense...it is a lovely, grace giving perspective...I will not judge you because I too have been judged....however, my therapist has pointed out....it is important to consider externals...not to judge the other person...but solely to see if there truly is compatibility. I may be picking lovely, caring boys inside emotionally unavailable men...but they are still emotionally unavailable. I would not have explored this without my SE therapist. I think videos are great at looking at behavior...but I think a therapist can unravel the deeper stuff in a way that no video can. Oh wow trn9, Thanks for sharing that, your therapist sounds very good. That is all so very insightful, especially the part about you feeling so judged and in the spotlight , that `non judgement' became part of your own (beautiful) value system. I have so much genuine empathy for people with mental health struggles due to trauma too. I doubt I could ever reject people like this, but I need to keep a lot of boundaries with them if they are not being responsible for their harmful behaviors. My best interactions with them seem to be strictly as platonic friends. Its good to hear your thoughts shifting towards self care and determining your true needs. (PS. I was talking to one of my therapist friends yesterday, about feeling grief in my body. I get it in my throat a lot too, and hard betwen my eyes. I've been getting a lot of tension headaches lately. He suggested excercises like clenching and releasing and massage when my body is reacting like that.) |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2019 20:50:52 GMT
@inmourning - That’s wonderful that you’re making such progress and feeling better. 🙂 You give me hope. Attachment style seems so hard to change, such deeply engrained patterns....sometimes I feel although I may improve I may never really break my “default” settings and established patterns. I feel really screwed up sometimes- losing it when triggered- less often but still happens, not being able to let go etc. certainly plenty to address in healing and self-love. I thought about signing up for Thais Gibson’s class offerings on YouTube as well - I really like her videos. Non-judgmental and accepting to all insecure types and insightful I think there is something so powerful about being acknowledged as not being screwed up....the feeling of being screwed up is not something you are born with...it is something that, over time was placed on you...layer by layer....SE is, as I see it, a way to pull back those painful layers. It is allowing your body to tell you the story that your conscious mind may have pushed aside. I think part of the healing is letting go of the attachment label...you are not AP but are a person with a bunch of behaviors and thought patterns that align to that attachment. One thing my SE therapist and I have uncovered is that I felt so judged, so much in the spotlight, so center stage for how I appeared externally, that I have grown to literally reject looking at the externals of partners and instead have only focused on “potential” and what I see “inside”. He has a history of short term relationships...no biggie, he has a history of drug/alcohol use....ok, he is emotionally unavailable...not a problem...I can literally justify all of it....and even writing this makes me well up with tears because it literally feels wrong to even consider any of that. In a sense...it is a lovely, grace giving perspective...I will not judge you because I too have been judged....however, my therapist has pointed out....it is important to consider externals...not to judge the other person...but solely to see if there truly is compatibility. I may be picking lovely, caring boys inside emotionally unavailable men...but they are still emotionally unavailable. I would not have explored this without my SE therapist. I think videos are great at looking at behavior...but I think a therapist can unravel the deeper stuff in a way that no video can. - Thank you for sharing 💙 |
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