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Post by alexandra on Oct 7, 2019 15:20:40 GMT
In my experience I've observed yes to #2, except I don't think it's conscious. If I asked them that, I think they'd honestly deny it because they're disconnected from the feelings.
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Post by mrob on Oct 7, 2019 20:07:30 GMT
I’ve been in both situations relatively recently, and having knowledge about attachment has helped, but it’s still really raw when it’s hapoening.
When someone pulls away, and I have that feeling of abandonment and that I must try to stop this from happening. That anxious pulling in feeling, as a response, rather than just letting go and accepting that a situation isn’t meant to be.
Deactivation feels more businesslike. I must get out of here before I get swallowed. It doesn’t always happen slowly, and I’ve fought it inside me, telling myself it’s irrational, so in my case, when it comes out it’s been going for a while.
Hope this helps.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 21:07:48 GMT
I’ve been in both situations relatively recently, and having knowledge about attachment has helped, but it’s still really raw when it’s hapoening. When someone pulls away, and I have that feeling of abandonment and that I must try to stop this from happening. That anxious pulling in feeling, as a response, rather than just letting go and accepting that a situation isn’t meant to be. Deactivation feels more businesslike. I must get out of here before I get swallowed. It doesn’t always happen slowly, and I’ve fought it inside me, telling myself it’s irrational, so in my case, when it comes out it’s been going for a while. Hope this helps. - Yes, exactly the same I experience deactivation with my DA - very logical, curt and matter of fact. Very dismissive and without emotion. Which on the receiving end can be very hurtful to feel that unemotional dismissal...even knowing about attachment style and trying not to take it personally. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 7, 2019 21:23:00 GMT
Heya Caroline! Both my exes came out deactivation slowly, and needed light and friendly (or light humorous) conversation for a month or so afterwards (whilst ignoring the elephant in the room). I craved reassurance and wanted to rebuild the lost connection, but the conversations needed to do that just took a long time. They did happen though.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 22:14:34 GMT
Thanks alexandra — makes sense! I have noticed that when I sense my FA is fearing rejection / thinks he might have of hurt me / I might be getting over it — he'll say nice things. Not saying for sure this time was a deactivation for sure, but he came back and said "you're a wonderful human being by the way." I'll say for me, looking back, coming out of an "AP activated state" — I think I tend to be more introverted, ashamed, feeling "foolish" almost (even with no actions just thoughts), and do a little more distant from whatever situation than I would in a more secure-leaning state. Maybe some of that has been unconscious protest behavior or wanting someone to soothe me that it's "okay" and "I'm still accepted..." not sure, but that's what I've been exploring lately. @carolina - Hey....yes, I’m always embarrassed and ashamed after being in an activated state. Ashamed and disappointed in myself. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2019 23:09:37 GMT
In my experience with my DA when he’s in a more severe deactivation from a conflict he won’t respond to me. It lasts anywhere from 7-10 days and he comes out slowly. He seems fragile for a while and things need to stay very light and non-threatening.
I suppose DA are the most confident insecure - he seems (at least appears on the outside) to have zero fear of rejection or remorse after. He may give a nod to his disappearance and say he needed “a minute” or he was “going through some stuff.”
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Post by mrob on Oct 8, 2019 15:00:23 GMT
Thanks alexandra — makes sense! I have noticed that when I sense my FA is fearing rejection / thinks he might have of hurt me / I might be getting over it — he'll say nice things. Not saying for sure this time was a deactivation for sure, but he came back and said "you're a wonderful human being by the way." I'll say for me, looking back, coming out of an "AP activated state" — I think I tend to be more introverted, ashamed, feeling "foolish" almost (even with no actions just thoughts), and do a little more distant from whatever situation than I would in a more secure-leaning state. Maybe some of that has been unconscious protest behavior or wanting someone to soothe me that it's "okay" and "I'm still accepted..." not sure, but that's what I've been exploring lately. @carolina - Hey....yes, I’m always embarrassed and ashamed after being in an activated state. Ashamed and disappointed in myself. Ashamed and disappointed in myself, with a relationship that I’ve probably nuked. The the cycle begins again. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2019 20:45:36 GMT
@carolina - Hey....yes, I’m always embarrassed and ashamed after being in an activated state. Ashamed and disappointed in myself. Ashamed and disappointed in myself, with a relationship that I’ve probably nuked. The the cycle begins again. - Yes, I hate that feeling of deep regret. Not controlling myself in the moment and being reactive w texts. It’s always the texts that get me when I lose emotional self-control. I’m pretty good in person almost all of the time when I see the person face to face. Cell phones ruin relationships, in my case. You’re FA? I think FA and AP get that rumination, shame and regret? Not the DA....as far as I’ve read and experienced. My DA just seems to freeze, thaw and carry on with much less trust if there was a conflict. And I suppose the DA can’t relate to that activated state much like I don’t relate to being frozen and stonewalling in a relationship. |
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