My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking

serenity
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My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking Oct 10, 2019 22:41:36 GMT

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Post by serenity on Oct 10, 2019 22:41:36 GMT

Thank you so much for this inmourning. Its so very insightful. And I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad:( That is such a huge loss for a child.

This week I have been dealing with relationship breakup grief, and so has trn9... it was interesting that we both could identify the grief feeling in our throats, when we thought about our lost loved ones. I never thought to take that further and see it as a sign of things unexpressed. It totally makes sense to me!! I will try this excercise you recommended, and write out all the things unexpressed....there is so much. I felt very shut down in that relationship.

Much gratitude!

faithopelove
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My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking Oct 11, 2019 0:59:58 GMT via mobile

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Post by faithopelove on Oct 11, 2019 0:59:58 GMT

Oct 10, 2019 22:48:32 GMT @inmourning said:

Oct 10, 2019 22:41:36 GMT serenity said:

Thank you so much for this inmourning. Its so very insightful. And I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad:( That is such a huge loss for a child.

This week I have been dealing with relationship breakup grief, and so has trn9... it was interesting that we both could identify the grief feeling in our throats, when we thought about our lost loved ones. I never thought to take that further and see it as a sign of things unexpressed. It totally makes sense to me!! I will try this excercise you recommended, and write out all the things unexpressed....there is so much. I felt very shut down in that relationship.

Much gratitude!

Thank you, serenity. He actually didn't pass but he abandoned us. He returned later and rejected me. He is in my life but still emotionally absent, and I see him a couple times a year . I've been interacting with him over the years not realizing that I still hurt like that . I didn't know, which sounds strange.

But yes, I didn't know what to do about that awful pain, it felt like a stab in my voice box and it just made sense to speak. I had visuals of me when I was a little girl, just standing in the middle of an empty room, just me and him and I just wanted to say Don't go.

I never really remember him smiling at me, not warm, the kind of smile that makes his eyes twinkle. He doesn't smile like that. He's a very closed down individual. When he dies, I don't think I can handle it though. I think about that because he's getting old.

This stuff sucks. Thank you for the support.

@inmourning - Sorry you went through that tragic loss. I feel these dad wounds so deep down, too. My parents stayed together due to convenience and appearance sake for my mom, but my dad never wanted kids and he would tell my mom to leave and take the kids with her. I had no attachment to either parent and I always thought it would make their death easier and maybe it will...but I was surprised when my dad suffered a heart attack last year and they had no pulse in the ambulance at how much it affected me and hurt me. When I thought he was gone I was crying deep, painful cries that seemed desperate and surprised me. Maybe for a loss of what we never had....the loss of a loving father in my life. All this time later in my 40’s I cannot find it in myself to warm up to either parent. I have these walls and I want them. I need them.

kelly
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My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking Oct 11, 2019 2:07:10 GMT via mobile

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Post by kelly on Oct 11, 2019 2:07:10 GMT

Oct 10, 2019 21:39:13 GMT @inmourning said:

I am in the midst of grieving my Father's absence, physically, emotionally, spiritually during my childhood.
I found myself really hurting and crying with a horrible pain in my throat. I have felt it before at times, it's been a very long time but I think it's associated with things unexpressed.

So I was sitting there crying and unable to calm my throat down and all the sudden I remembered things I hadn't remembered for a very very long time. My father left us, andbI didn't get to see him go. One day he just wasn't in my house. One morning he was and then he wasn't.

I realied that I didn't even get to tell him, don't go. Not like it would have stopped him. But the little me wanted a chance to say that so I did, while I was crying. I also said a lot of things that I wish I would have said, wish I would have asked for really.

Its simple stuff but it makes me super sad that saying it made my throat stop hurting, just because those are things I really needed but didn't have a chance to ask for. Or I wasn't brave enough.

The things I want to say are:
Please just don't go.
Please love me, please smile at me.
Please let me sit with you. I want to sit on your lap.
Make me matter to you.
Just try! Try!

Instead I just choked on all those words. I choked on all those needs. All my life I guess. I forgot.

My therapist is traveling and I can't reach him, my friend is going to call me when she gets off work tonight, But I sat here with all this sadness and thought I would just put it here not for sympathy but because it might help someone here remember what they needed but didn't receive. I imagine we share a lot of unmet needs.

That is so incredibly painful for a child. Also for an adult! I’m sorry you’ve had that loss and pain in your life. They say you have to find ways to love yourself in the ways you never got from your parent(s) in order to heal. Sounds so simple. If only it was.

mrob
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My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking Oct 12, 2019 1:03:25 GMT via mobile

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Post by mrob on Oct 12, 2019 1:03:25 GMT

I’ll never forget that look and the crying when we told our daughter that we were separating. She cried for a few minutes and was fine (too) quickly after. That deep wound was made inside forever, and I’d have done anything for that not to have happened.

Last Edit: Oct 12, 2019 1:04:16 GMT by mrob

Deleted
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My throat aches very badly I think it's from not speaking Oct 13, 2019 0:23:43 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2019 0:23:43 GMT

hi, i'm so sorry too that we share all this, for it to even exist at all. @inmourning I think it's so great you've made somatic connections - it's really coming into alignment, your body, soul, and mind. I've also have a difficult relationship with my parents, though for years i was a model daughter. I just upped and left for a job, and gave up on trying to have a relationship with them.

this thread reminded me of a post i recently read about "becoming our parents" (i've been grappling with the question of having children), and i think it might inspire more new insights for all of us.
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-do-i-repeat-my-parents-hurtful-behavior-with-others-1017164