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Post by tnr9 on Oct 12, 2019 14:40:24 GMT
I have hit a huge wave of internal resistance to giving up B. This is not an adult perspective, but a little girl who had no choice, no voice and was very torn by her parents divorce. B hits too close to home it seems.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 12, 2019 16:12:47 GMT
I have hit a huge wave of internal resistance to giving up B. This is not an adult perspective, but a little girl who had no choice, no voice and was very torn by her parents divorce. B hits too close to home it seems. Just out of curiosity, what would you be giving up? He's in a fantasy, defense-mechanism role in your life at the moment. He's a form of dissociation and escape that also keeps you miserably stuck. How does that truly help the little girl heal? Sorry if that's too brutal and triggering, but I really do wonder what other benefits he provides you with at this point? Who were you before you got your identity tied up in him? Who do you want to be after? |
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Post by serenity on Oct 12, 2019 21:56:26 GMT
Hugs trn9, this work is so very rough isn't it?. T triggers me very deeply as well, so i understand the trapped-like the feelings. Sometimes I feel caught in this weird trap of him representing my 3 primary childhood caregivers; his many colors made me feel like a pin ball being flipped around in a pinball machine. When he abandons me , he triggers feelings about my Bio Dad who abandoned me when I was 4. When T abuses me, he triggers feelings from my narc FA mother. When he's in `hot mode' he is so much like my nurturing Step Dad who was consistently loving, patient, encouraging, my biggest fan. T represents all of these people, and its not only the feelings he triggers, but also my oldest coping mechanisms.
Its the coping mechanisms that I'm trying to look at right now, in my grief.
Something I noticed this week, is deep abandonment triggers my need for comfort, and a desire to collect when comfort was refused (by my mother). The collecting thing is odd; my earliest memories are of collecting pretty milk bottle caps. Then plush toys. Then beautiful stones and feathers. As an adult this has morphed into new things. I'm in full collector mode right now, trying to deal with it.
There was no comfort when I was 4. Just nothing. I would crave food, but it was denied me. I'm trying to figure out new ways to comfort myself.
Where are you at right now? Do you think you're mainly dissociating from the pain, like alexandra suggested? Are you able to comfort yourself? Abandonment is so very hard to live with isn't it?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 12, 2019 22:52:34 GMT
I have hit a huge wave of internal resistance to giving up B. This is not an adult perspective, but a little girl who had no choice, no voice and was very torn by her parents divorce. B hits too close to home it seems. Just out of curiosity, what would you be giving up? He's in a fantasy, defense-mechanism role in your life at the moment. He's a form of dissociation and escape that also keeps you miserably stuck. How does that truly help the little girl heal? Sorry if that's too brutal and triggering, but I really do wonder what other benefits he provides you with at this point? Who were you before you got your identity tied up in him? Who do you want to be after? I would compare the feeling to giving up on my dad, mixed with the most cherished stuffed animal...and by that I mean the most important person and most accepting thing all in one. This is not about healing...it feels like survival....literally at times it cuts so deep...is so primal...that nothing makes sense without him. Before B, there was S and before S there was E and before E there was D and before D there was O and before O there was K....I was with K and E 3 years each....i was with D and O for a year...I ever dated S...but I had a powerful crush on him for 3 years....there really hasn’t been a me without someone...a crush, a boyfriend, a guy I dated and wanted back....of all of them...B hit the closest to home while also being the most different....with B, he never judged me the way my parents did...so he was absolutely glimpses of what I wanted consistently. There isn’t a what do I want to be after B...that does not register. I don’t look at my life that way. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 12, 2019 23:46:46 GMT
Unfortunately being rejected in multiple ways by a person represents judgment too. Think of some the messages B has communicated '' you are not special enough to be the one'' ''Your intimacy needs are unimportant and wrong''``My needs count only, yours do not'' ``You are not worth of my love'' ''Your love will get you nowhere''
Having someone close to you sending those messages is so very harmful and damaging. Think of the damage it does to children who cannot leave the situation. As an adult, you have the power to leave.
Its never been you that B rejected either. You haven't done anything wrong, you are beautiful the way you are. Like most FA's B rejects closeness and intimacy only. His judgements about you and others are distorted by distancing strategies, that he has not questioned. You have been abandoned, and it was never your fault trn9. And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Your needs as a human being are natural and normal. You just struggle with abandonment because it hurts so very much, because of your history.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 13, 2019 1:21:17 GMT
Thank you for answering, tnr9. I hope your SE therapy allows you to heal enough to see you're enough without a man to decide who you are and what you want, to be worthy of having your own identity and figuring out what you want that to be. It is a lot to put on someone else to do that for you, and it's not abandonment if they can't. Because the only one who can really abandon you at this point in your life is yourself. Maybe you're resisting that right now because you're not ready to comfort yourself with the tools you have, and that's okay, but there is someone of value under all those men, and you don't need your parents and stuffed animals to get to know her better. "This is not about healing...it feels like survival." This is a really great feeling to share with your therapist and keep exploring. It feels like survival, but it's not. That's why I brought up the defense-mechanism stuff. It sounds like it may be because you don't know who you are alone yet and your ego is freaking out having to discover the unknown. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 13, 2019 3:02:12 GMT
Thank you for answering, tnr9 . I hope your SE therapy allows you to heal enough to see you're enough without a man to decide who you are and what you want, to be worthy of having your own identity and figuring out what you want that to be. It is a lot to put on someone else to do that for you, and it's not abandonment if they can't. Because the only one who can really abandon you at this point in your life is yourself. Maybe you're resisting that right now because you're not ready to comfort yourself with the tools you have, and that's okay, but there is someone of value under all those men, and you don't need your parents and stuffed animals to get to know her better. "This is not about healing...it feels like survival." This is a really great feeling to share with your therapist and keep exploring. It feels like survival, but it's not. That's why I brought up the defense-mechanism stuff. It sounds like it may be because you don't know who you are alone yet and your ego is freaking out having to discover the unknown. I don’t expect another person to determine my identity...what I described above is how it feels when I am in my youngest place. In my most adult self...I am very capable of being on my own....i make a good salary, I own my place, I have a great network of friends. Did I want to feel accepted? Yes. Loved? Yes. Protected? Yes....I do give that to myself...but it is nice to have that come from another person. i feel this is going down a wrong track and my defenses are up. I am trigger sensitive to anything that sounds like it was my fault....that he stopped dating me because my expectations were too much. But maybe this is right after all...because I feel rage...a absolute anger in my stomach....because if anything I am the one who was there for him when he was going through an identity crisis...using drugs, living at his parents house, no savings, in between jobs....I paid for every meal, every movie, every activity....he stayed at my place 2 to 4 nights a week....he had keys, I sent his resume to all my contacts....10.5 months....telling him every chance I could that I loved, respected, admired, appreciated him....and I am the one who wanted too much? And as a thank you for all of that I get told...thanks, but no thanks....and he doesn’t bear any responsibility at all? He just gets to move on to a prettier, younger girl and what I get is a “you were a great help in a difficult moment in my life”. I am not allowed to feel crushed or angry or jealous or sad? I am just supposed to suck up and be happy for him....and take all the blame for everything. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 13, 2019 3:26:05 GMT
tnr9, it had nothing to do with you expecting too much. You're fine in that respect, if anything you didn't ask for enough of what you actually wanted and let him lead the way. Focusing on yourself doesn't mean blaming yourself. You've had a tough life, and it sounds like you've accomplished a lot in other avenues and like you're very capable. So it's hard to hear you're struggling, but if your defenses are up, you're right. These words aren't helpful to you at the moment.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 13, 2019 3:38:03 GMT
You were just sharing feelings, not asking for solutions. I didn't intend to just be triggering, but I'm going to step off this specific thread.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 13, 2019 3:44:32 GMT
tnr9 , it had nothing to do with you expecting too much. You're fine in that respect, if anything you didn't ask for enough of what you actually wanted and let him lead the way. Focusing on yourself doesn't mean blaming yourself. You've had a tough life, and it sounds like you've accomplished a lot in other avenues and like you're very capable. So it's hard to hear you're struggling, but if your defenses are up, you're right. These words aren't helpful to you at the moment. Defenses are definitely up....but I think to some degree that is good...it is a boundary on steroids and I have never been good at boundaries. I did not want to ask for anything because I figured..it would come across as complaining and sooner or later he would resent me for it. To some degree,I feel I am getting a bit worse rather than better...but maybe it is because I am finally getting some rage out. Anger was a big no no growing up. i think when I am in that space...that all or nothing space....I don’t want to give anything up...the thought that...I had so much taken away...i don’t want to have to have another person taken....which is a very entitled state. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 13, 2019 10:18:27 GMT
You were just sharing feelings, not asking for solutions. I didn't intend to just be triggering, but I'm going to step off this specific thread. I know you weren’t and I was triggered wayyyyyy before asked the questions you did....so this not anything to do with you.... |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2019 11:16:05 GMT
Thank you for answering, tnr9 . I hope your SE therapy allows you to heal enough to see you're enough without a man to decide who you are and what you want, to be worthy of having your own identity and figuring out what you want that to be. It is a lot to put on someone else to do that for you, and it's not abandonment if they can't. Because the only one who can really abandon you at this point in your life is yourself. Maybe you're resisting that right now because you're not ready to comfort yourself with the tools you have, and that's okay, but there is someone of value under all those men, and you don't need your parents and stuffed animals to get to know her better. "This is not about healing...it feels like survival." This is a really great feeling to share with your therapist and keep exploring. It feels like survival, but it's not. That's why I brought up the defense-mechanism stuff. It sounds like it may be because you don't know who you are alone yet and your ego is freaking out having to discover the unknown. I don’t expect another person to determine my identity...what I described above is how it feels when I am in my youngest place. In my most adult self...I am very capable of being on my own....i make a good salary, I own my place, I have a great network of friends. Did I want to feel accepted? Yes. Loved? Yes. Protected? Yes....I do give that to myself...but it is nice to have that come from another person. i feel this is going down a wrong track and my defenses are up. I am trigger sensitive to anything that sounds like it was my fault....that he stopped dating me because my expectations were too much. But maybe this is right after all...because I feel rage...a absolute anger in my stomach....because if anything I am the one who was there for him when he was going through an identity crisis...using drugs, living at his parents house, no savings, in between jobs....I paid for every meal, every movie, every activity....he stayed at my place 2 to 4 nights a week....he had keys, I sent his resume to all my contacts....10.5 months....telling him every chance I could that I loved, respected, admired, appreciated him....and I am the one who wanted too much? And as a thank you for all of that I get told...thanks, but no thanks....and he doesn’t bear any responsibility at all? He just gets to move on to a prettier, younger girl and what I get is a “you were a great help in a difficult moment in my life”. I am not allowed to feel crushed or angry or jealous or sad? I am just supposed to suck up and be happy for him....and take all the blame for everything. Be ANGRY!!! It's ok!!! Anger isn't bad, it's just uncomfortable. Your therapist is going to help you complete the instinctive patterns of self protection behind this. There is a place for the impulse to rage, to protect, to say NO!!! It's a perfect and beautiful response to a breach of our boundaries, or lack of boundaries that will show us how to protect ourselves and make the boundaries that have been missing. Get to your therapist as quick as you can and celebrate this primal urge to say NO. You are going to feel better and it's all going to be ok. I personally have had a profound transformative experience with this. Once you have your NO back where it's been missing you will feel big. Not powerless. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 13, 2019 17:31:39 GMT
I don’t expect another person to determine my identity...what I described above is how it feels when I am in my youngest place. In my most adult self...I am very capable of being on my own....i make a good salary, I own my place, I have a great network of friends. Did I want to feel accepted? Yes. Loved? Yes. Protected? Yes....I do give that to myself...but it is nice to have that come from another person. i feel this is going down a wrong track and my defenses are up. I am trigger sensitive to anything that sounds like it was my fault....that he stopped dating me because my expectations were too much. But maybe this is right after all...because I feel rage...a absolute anger in my stomach....because if anything I am the one who was there for him when he was going through an identity crisis...using drugs, living at his parents house, no savings, in between jobs....I paid for every meal, every movie, every activity....he stayed at my place 2 to 4 nights a week....he had keys, I sent his resume to all my contacts....10.5 months....telling him every chance I could that I loved, respected, admired, appreciated him....and I am the one who wanted too much? And as a thank you for all of that I get told...thanks, but no thanks....and he doesn’t bear any responsibility at all? He just gets to move on to a prettier, younger girl and what I get is a “you were a great help in a difficult moment in my life”. I am not allowed to feel crushed or angry or jealous or sad? I am just supposed to suck up and be happy for him....and take all the blame for everything. Be ANGRY!!! It's ok!!! Anger isn't bad, it's just uncomfortable. Your therapist is going to help you complete the instinctive patterns of self protection behind this. There is a place for the impulse to rage, to protect, to say NO!!! It's a perfect and beautiful response to a breach of our boundaries, or lack of boundaries that will show us how to protect ourselves and make the boundaries that have been missing. Get to your therapist as quick as you can and celebrate this primal urge to say NO. You are going to feel better and it's all going to be ok. I personally have had a profound transformative experience with this. Once you have your NO back where it's been missing you will feel big. Not powerless. My appointment is on Wednesday....this is when she will share her thoughts on what I have shared with her....she says I lack a cohesive story and that keeps me stuck...so she wants to help to get that put together. It is sooooooooo uncomfortable to be angry...I cry the whole time...I fear what God will think of me...and i don’t know what to do with it...it feels horrid to be angry at someone you love.....that isn’t biblical....love is kind, compassionate, not self serving.....anger just feels wrong, bad....I get a huge knot in my throat like I can’t swallow...like I am chocking. I don’t know how to harness anger...i don’t know how to use it correctly...It comes out in all kinds of ways that are not dealing with the issue....and I have no voice around it. I can speak about sadness...God is ok when we repent our sin....people don’t leave when you are just sad...anger is too risky....way too risky. |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 13, 2019 17:40:54 GMT
Be ANGRY!!! It's ok!!! Anger isn't bad, it's just uncomfortable. Your therapist is going to help you complete the instinctive patterns of self protection behind this. There is a place for the impulse to rage, to protect, to say NO!!! It's a perfect and beautiful response to a breach of our boundaries, or lack of boundaries that will show us how to protect ourselves and make the boundaries that have been missing. Get to your therapist as quick as you can and celebrate this primal urge to say NO. You are going to feel better and it's all going to be ok. I personally have had a profound transformative experience with this. Once you have your NO back where it's been missing you will feel big. Not powerless. My appointment is on Wednesday....this is when she will share her thoughts on what I have shared with her....she says I lack a cohesive story and that keeps me stuck...so she wants to help to get that put together. It is sooooooooo uncomfortable to be angry...I cry the whole time...I fear what God will think of me...and i don’t know what to do with it...it feels horrid to be angry at someone you love.....that isn’t biblical....love is kind, compassionate, not self serving.....anger just feels wrong, bad....I get a huge knot in my throat like I can’t swallow...like I am chocking. I don’t know how to harness anger...i don’t know how to use it correctly...It comes out in all kinds of ways that are not dealing with the issue....and I have no voice around it. I can speak about sadness...God is ok when we repent our sin....people don’t leave when you are just sad...anger is too risky....way too risky. Did you have an angry parent? I did and I have a lot of issues with anger, I rarely get angry and am also very sensitive to any anger from others. How about you? |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 13, 2019 17:48:36 GMT
My appointment is on Wednesday....this is when she will share her thoughts on what I have shared with her....she says I lack a cohesive story and that keeps me stuck...so she wants to help to get that put together. It is sooooooooo uncomfortable to be angry...I cry the whole time...I fear what God will think of me...and i don’t know what to do with it...it feels horrid to be angry at someone you love.....that isn’t biblical....love is kind, compassionate, not self serving.....anger just feels wrong, bad....I get a huge knot in my throat like I can’t swallow...like I am chocking. I don’t know how to harness anger...i don’t know how to use it correctly...It comes out in all kinds of ways that are not dealing with the issue....and I have no voice around it. I can speak about sadness...God is ok when we repent our sin....people don’t leave when you are just sad...anger is too risky....way too risky. Did you have an angry parent? I did and I have a lot of issues with anger, I rarely get angry and am also very sensitive to any anger from others. How about you? My parents were not angry...not overtly...my mom was disappointed a lot...my dad was more narcissistic.....anger made me feel terribly uncomfortable....I am super sensitive to anger from others...which is the same reaction I have to disappointing someone. It just never felt ok to be angry...neither my middle brother or I feel ok about it around our mom. Adding...my dad was very mean to our mom after the divorce...I always felt that I had to be the peacemaker...my sadness was enough of a burden and I always feared that my mom was not strong enough to handle anger...so I stuffed it down behind tears. |
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