"This is not about healing...it feels like survival....literally at times it cuts so deep...is so primal...that nothing makes sense without him."
I have felt this way too. Like if I give up this person, I'll be letting go of everything good and joyful in my life and I don't know if I can survive that. But it's actually the opposite -- I have to give him up to find myself and feel joy again. It's definitely been two steps forward and one step back. I've been feeling completely lost and overcome with grief, and then numb at other times. It's hard to let myself experience all of this pain.
It sounds like you're having a lot of feelings that you've repressed for a long time. That is progress (even if it doesn't feel like it). Thanks for sharing your journey here. It makes me feel less alone.
Be ANGRY!!! It's ok!!! Anger isn't bad, it's just uncomfortable. Your therapist is going to help you complete the instinctive patterns of self protection behind this. There is a place for the impulse to rage, to protect, to say NO!!! It's a perfect and beautiful response to a breach of our boundaries, or lack of boundaries that will show us how to protect ourselves and make the boundaries that have been missing.
Get to your therapist as quick as you can and celebrate this primal urge to say NO. You are going to feel better and it's all going to be ok.
I personally have had a profound transformative experience with this. Once you have your NO back where it's been missing you will feel big. Not powerless.
My appointment is on Wednesday....this is when she will share her thoughts on what I have shared with her....she says I lack a cohesive story and that keeps me stuck...so she wants to help to get that put together.
It is sooooooooo uncomfortable to be angry...I cry the whole time...I fear what God will think of me...and i don’t know what to do with it...it feels horrid to be angry at someone you love.....that isn’t biblical....love is kind, compassionate, not self serving.....anger just feels wrong, bad....I get a huge knot in my throat like I can’t swallow...like I am chocking. I don’t know how to harness anger...i don’t know how to use it correctly...It comes out in all kinds of ways that are not dealing with the issue....and I have no voice around it. I can speak about sadness...God is ok when we repent our sin....people don’t leave when you are just sad...anger is too risky....way too risky.
tnr9 - Anger is just an emotion, maybe an uncomfortable one but an emotion and nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not our feelings or emotions that get us into trouble- it’s how we react when we have those emotions. “Be angry and don’t sin.“ Reference from the Bible. You could channel your anger in positive ways- exercising or tackling a big project. Let your anger propel you forward. Anger is part of the healing process. You’re making progress.
Don't worry tnr9, you don't have tonfogure this all out, your therapist will do something very gentle and amazing with you and you will have peace. I wouldn't say so if I didn't know what's in store for you, it's really beautiful and it will make sense.
I read somewhere that part of not letting go of an ex can be due to avoid loneliness.
That makes sense...but I actually have several friends and I don’t mind spending time by myself...but yeh...there is a missing aspect that probably comes from a bit of wanting to have him around to spend time with.
I know everyone has a different journey but I feel like this has gone on quite a long time now. You can't let this consume such a long stretch of your life.
Have you cut off contact? Made positive changes to your life? Seen a therapist? Etc. Your dedicated so much of your thinking to someone who doesn't want you.
Interesting how you have phrased it....about the “time” this has taken....and about the “changes”....because that is how B used to approach this...that enough time had past...that I should be over him, moved on, found someone else.....this is obvious much deeper then it just being about B...it has awakened very, very old and primal wounds that developed over years..not months. What you see here is just a sliver...the things I want to post because they tie back to my attachment issues...I don’t post about the fun I have with friends, or the achievements I have made in my job because these boards are not really geared to it. I don’t spend 24/7 thinking about B...but yes..when I do....it is pretty all consuming. I have started with an SE therapist...perhaps you missed that part...I am also on medication that has really helped address a serotonin deficiency. I expect that while I work with the therapist,....things will get a bit worse before they get better..but I think that is how breakthrough’s are made. I do still really love and care for B and I would like to let go of all the jealousy, comparisons, possessive, sad, angry feelings....so that all I am left with is the.ove....just not there yet.
tnr9 your therapist knows exactly how to help you get unstuck. I'd bet money on this, from what I now know about this treatment modality. Hang in there and know what you know. This therapist has your back, is deeply investing in your whole self to understand your story, your unique experiences, and she is going to work very effectively with you on this. She would not be certified in SE if she did not have training from the best in this. Peter Levine and Diane Poole Heller are the leaders in this treatment, and my therapist has close contact with them both!
I'm just excited that you're angry because that's the juicy part of this that is going to effect big change. You have to trust this process. It's early for you and you haven't got to the the most amazing parts... but you will be there soon.
Did you have an angry parent? I did and I have a lot of issues with anger, I rarely get angry and am also very sensitive to any anger from others. How about you?
My parents were not angry...not overtly...my mom was disappointed a lot...my dad was more narcissistic.....anger made me feel terribly uncomfortable....I am super sensitive to anger from others...which is the same reaction I have to disappointing someone. It just never felt ok to be angry...neither my middle brother or I feel ok about it around our mom.
Adding...my dad was very mean to our mom after the divorce...I always felt that I had to be the peacemaker...my sadness was enough of a burden and I always feared that my mom was not strong enough to handle anger...so I stuffed it down behind tears.
Oh interesting, I have only had experience with narcissists who've had explosive anger. I learned to stuff down my feelings in general, and like you I've always felt like I had to be the peacemaker. People are so used to me never being angry, that now I am working on my attachment issues and some anger seems to be bubbling up on occasion, they seem so resentful and they don't like this change. Reinforcing my belief that anger is bad and I am not allowed to feel it and especially not express it. Do you think you are in a process of grief?