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Post by hannah99 on Oct 13, 2019 12:06:46 GMT
I wondered if any of you had an knowledge about attachment and loss of a parent.
Both of my parents lost their fathers. My dad was 9 and my mum was 15 when it happened.
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 13, 2019 15:54:35 GMT
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 13, 2019 17:24:38 GMT
I lost my dad at 15.
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 13, 2019 17:43:24 GMT
You’re mostly secure though right? I lost a parent around that age too, but if I look back I already had insecure attachment (I’m FA and can get quite anxious). |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 13, 2019 17:47:32 GMT
happyidiot. Yes. I got what I needed as a baby so I’m secure but I have a chunk of dismissive. My avoidance came in during my early teen years. My dad was angry. He was sick, had seizures, etc.
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Post by serenity on Oct 13, 2019 21:26:40 GMT
Second FA bf had a physically and psychologically abusive alcoholic Dad who had a stroke in his teens (became seriously mentally and physically disabled and died 15 years later)
Since the death of his Dad, he became increasingly more like him. And he tends to form close attachments to abusive `father figures' and defend/enable their abuse.
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Post by hannah99 on Oct 14, 2019 7:36:52 GMT
So I guess it can affect you in lots of different ways and isn't that linked to a certain attachment
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Post by serenity on Oct 14, 2019 21:16:58 GMT
I lost my bio father at 4 yo. And my FA narc mother abandoned the family frequently for years when I was growing up. The effect on me is that abandonment by romantic attachment figures hurrrrts. It feels like death to me and I suffer like I'm in hell.
I started getting therapy in my teens and have done a lot of work throughout adulthood. The very best strategy for me personally is to bond romantically with men who don't abandon me. Not necessarily secures who have never been wounded.. just any guy who is stable, consistent, loving, communicative, good at conflict resolution, fair minded, interested in committment etc. I healed an awful lot in my longest relationship, that lasted for 15 years.
Feeling abandoned doesn't predispose you to any particular behaviour. You can choose what you do with it. Its not an excuse to abuse, violate boundaries, stonewall, fail to communicate, pursue etc. Its just a a really strong awful feeling.
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Post by hannah99 on Oct 14, 2019 22:04:37 GMT
My mother was a carer for her dad for many years before he died. My father's dad died suddenly. I'd say my dad is secure with some dismissive tendencies and my mum is fa.
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