Tempted to go to DA’s house....

You're looking to soothe your anxiety. Anxiety that is about your fear of abandonment, not truly about your ex. Going to his house unannounced, especially when he's already triggered as well, does not respect his needs, boundaries, or wishes, and will not result in repair. If anything, you're going to get even more upset with yourself afterwards, same as being upset with yourself for texting him and blaming yourself for pushing him away with your protest behavior. Except this will be even more extreme, and so worse, not resulting in repair -- nor resulting in the relationship you want with him which has created the protest behavior over the years.

This isn't about him right now, which is why showing up at his door will in no way help you beyond momentary anxiety relief when you knock and hope things will be different. There's a lot more going on underneath your anxiety, being triggered from way back before you met him. One better way through this, as you attempt to self-soothe, is sitting back and feeling everything that's really there, so you can find yourself again and figure out what the core wound really is. Because it isn't actually about decreasing an already unfulfilling relationship even further, underneath it all.

Phew! Good thing you didn't go! In the future, this won't hurt any more, and then you will be able to look back at this and feel proud of your strength.  

number9 - Well, that’s a huge part of the problem with AP wounds. The silence is excruciatingly painful- not sure if you are AP, but that message of deafening silence and distancing is exactly what triggers abandonment wounds. So, simply letting go and moving on is overly simplistic. A good thought, but not even realistic to an AP who was attached. I appreciate the thought though and in focusing on my self-work and healing, of course my goal is to move forward. I’m def glad though I didn’t go....yes.

I actually am AP/FA (triggered to AP because of a partner who is more FA than I am). I have done some great counselling in the past months and gained much valuable insight into my own attachment wounds. (One big help was EMDR.) I wouldn't say "*simply* letting go" -- since it is anything but a simple or easy process by any means! I've writhed and suffered at the pain of unanswered messages, wasted so many hours of precious life overthinking every single factor I can think of re: why no answer? What's going on with him? etc. etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Eventually, I've come to use the "no answer actually is an answer" as a short-circuit of sorts, just to regain control of my poor racing brain! I probably shouldn't have thrown a silly meme up here. It may come across as quite glib. Bottom line is that I feel so much empathy for what you describe and I really wish for you to feel better. Your suffering is everyone's suffering -- our shared human experience. (Maybe I should go back to lurking! haha) 

I kind of see it like this, if you don't have particular values and boundaries for an intimate relationship and allow raw attraction or attachment anxiety to lead your choices... it's like test driving a lemon, watching it smoke and sputter but finding it charming and believing if you just keep driving it, it will stop smoking, and develop a smoother engine, because you want it to. That's what these relationships look like from the outside, to me. We have all been there including me, in an avoidant way, hoping it will get better for me.

Sure- the car is a lemon. But hey.. what's up with the thinking in the test driver? You have to have standards, boundaries, values, and know what is ok and what isn't instead of just wishful thinking, denial, and feelings.

Some of this is really practical. No communication = no relationship. Inconsistency = inability to carry a relationship. Know the signs and reject the lemon before it leaves you stranded. You have got to choose someone and something that works.