The Forgotten Attachment Style: Disorganized Attachment | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

The Forgotten Attachment Style: Disorganized Attachment Oct 18, 2019 22:45:06 GMT via mobile

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Post by persephone on Oct 18, 2019 22:45:06 GMT

Oct 18, 2019 7:14:43 GMT happyidiot said:

Oct 18, 2019 4:10:33 GMT persephone said:

Do you think this can vary from FA ago FA? My FA always made the decisions in our relationship; on the occasion I made any decisions, he’d make a fuss about it (eg if I chose a restaurant, he’d complain about how he didn’t like it when we got there). It made me too scared to ever decide on anything. I wanted to be a chill person, so I didn’t get upset about not having much say in anything.

In hindsight, I felt like perhaps me making decisions = me controlling him in his subconscious mind, so that’s why there was always resistance.

I don't think it's that some FAs do want someone who has no boundaries and is a doormat, I think that you are just perceiving your ex acting controlling or wanting to be the decision-maker as meaning that, when they are not the same. A lot of us had very little control in childhood, and this can manifest in trying to control things in adulthood (and that can be expressed in various ways). Feeling out of control can make us feel more anxious. APs can do this kind of thing too, I have seen my AP friend literally sobbing in tears because she didn't get to choose the restaurant and didn't like the food.

Well. I guess that depends on your definition of boundaries. There aren’t a lot of people in the world with absolutely no boundaries. I understand the general rule of life is if someone doesn’t respect you, they usually can’t love you.

In my case, I honestly felt like my ex FA would get uncomfortable when I made decisions (like making an itinerary for our holidays), unless he asked me to plan something first.

There could be a difference between FA men and FA women as well. Phillip Shaver’s “Handbook of Attachment” talks about how AP women have a high libido, but AP men do not.

Controlling behaviour is definitely an AP trait. But we are more than just our attachment styles. My ex FA flirted in front of other women in front of me, but plenty of FAs like yourself did not to that to your exes.

I’m an AP, I’ve never tried to control my ex FA, then and again, he interpreted me getting him lunch as “controlling”. (Maybe he was deactivating and everything I was doing was a bad thing in his subconscious???)

Oct 18, 2019 7:14:43 GMT happyidiot said:

I'm trying to look back on my past self and times when I would, say, not be happy with a restaurant choice. I am not the kind of person who needs to make all the decisions or choose the restaurants, in fact I loathe being asked to pick all the time, but I can recall some times like that when I was with my secure ex, and I'm trying to think what I was feeling at the time. Maybe I was just in a bad mood and complaining about the food or restaurant was an easy target? Sometimes I also got irritated with him when he was trying to be helpful, because I felt like he wasn't listening to me, he wasn't helping in the way I wanted to be helped.

It might just be your subconscious trying to distance yourself from him, or maybe you were in a bad mood. Maybe even both! It’s hard to say.

Oct 18, 2019 7:14:43 GMT happyidiot said:

Actually I don't know if this is really similar, but I recall myself being bothered by the food choices fairly recently at my current boyfriend's friend's dinner party. I am allergic to shellfish, which everyone knows, and there was basically nothing I could eat. And it sort of upset me, because I felt like my dietary needs weren't cared about and at the same time felt guilty and ashamed for having them. And I think I find spending time with my boyfriend's friends a bit triggering to my FA-ness.

I don't know if this information is helpful. I just don't think even the most extreme FAs or someone with borderline personality disorder truly wants or needs someone without boundaries or finds that attractive. I think my secure ex was TOO accepting, maybe he is just the chillest most understanding and accommodating person on the planet, but I did feel like it would have been better if he had sometimes gently said some things were not ok with him or had some expectations of me.

I think no one find someone with no boundaries as attractive. I just meant in my experience, my (male) ex FA often would somehow be unhappy with my boundaries (that affected him, like where we ate, not my boundaries that only impacted me). But, near the end of our relationship, he also took my kind gestures and jokes as as taking control away from him, so he’s a bit of an extreme case.