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Post by bohemianraspberry on Oct 15, 2019 17:06:26 GMT
New article in Psychology Today, from Sept 23, 2019. "People who get attached in a disorganized way oscillate from two biological drives whenever the opportunity to attach comes about in life: the need to belong (to love and connect with others) and the need to survive (to protect oneself). Later, particularly in romantic relationships, people with this style of attachment often feel fear and anxiety when forming intimate relationships and suffer from a negative self-image and extremely damaging self-talk. They often feel intense loneliness because of an earnest want for genuine connection, but the stress and fear response, linked to that want, causes them to act erratically, driving away potential connection." "The pain of those with a disorganized style of attachment is this: They want to love. They want, as any human, to be understood, to feel safe, to feel connected to another person. But, the process is extremely jarring, and developing feelings for another person can be marred with more negative emotion than positive, including anxiety, confusion, self-hatred, and doubt." "Although people with a disorganized style of attaching want to connect, they pull away, see signs of rejection where none exists, and develop a self-fulfilling prophecy: They act in ways that protect themselves from rejection and pain. For example, they may fear how they're being seen, stop replying to a potential partner because they believe they'll be rejected, even abandon the relationship entirely to avoid further self-viewed embarrassment, intense shame, or negative emotion, ultimately ending the relationship." "In the case of disorganized attachment, forming intimate attachments to others can seem like an insurmountable task because any new intimate relationship formed takes a tremendous and continuous act of trust put forth onto his or her potential partner, from which consistency and reassurance are needed near-constantly." "Finally, choosing a consistently kind, reliable, and trusting partner is also part of good relationship habits, which can help form a healthy attachment. The safer one feels within a relationship, the more securely attached he or she can become." www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 15, 2019 19:15:22 GMT
bohemianraspberry Well it's certainly not forgotten around here! But yes, in the literature and research it often is, in fact many studies only categorize people into secure, avoidant or anxious. I actually kind of like the name "disorganized" better than fearful avoidant, because it seems to capture the complexity and mixed state of this attachment style a little bit better. "Fearful avoidant" sounds like the person is just afraid of love and avoids love, and it's more nuanced than that. "takes a tremendous and continuous act of trust put forth onto his or her potential partner, from which consistency and reassurance are needed near-constantly." I can sure relate to that! I have to practice placing my trust in my partner every day, it's a constant struggle. This article does a good job at talking about something that goes relatively unsaid about FAs, that we are terrified of rejection and abandonment and a lot of our actions stem from that, it's not always about fear of commitment or feeling uncomfortable with love and closeness. Personally the things that most make me want to run away from a relationship are things that seem like signs that the person will someday abandon me, like if they get angry or give ultimatums, seem to want something I can't provide, don't show me enough love in the ways that I think are important, etc. Someone might think "My FA partner left me when everything was going great!" but maybe it wasn't going great in their head and they just never told you (communication not always being our strong suit).
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Post by serenity on Oct 15, 2019 20:07:37 GMT
I have been wondering, has anyone here read an account of an FA who changed their attachment style from FA to secure over time because their partner remained kind, reliable and trusting? I keep reading the same type of stories over and over... partner of FA tries to be as secure as possible, sometimes for years, but FA remains the same or steadily becomes less reliable over time until there is effectively no relationship. This makes sense insofar as why would someone change if they have an enabler in their life, and can easily switch to new enablers? I'm thinking that changing attachment style has to come from the FA, and has little to do with the partner (though a good partner might help if the FA is committed to accomplishing secure attachments) |
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Post by mrob on Oct 15, 2019 22:38:10 GMT
I have been wondering, has anyone here read an account of an FA who changed their attachment style from FA to secure over time because their partner remained kind, reliable and trusting? I keep reading the same type of stories over and over... partner of FA tries to be as secure as possible, sometimes for years, but FA remains the same or steadily becomes less reliable over time until there is effectively no relationship. This makes sense insofar as why would someone change if they have an enabler in their life, and can easily switch to new enablers? I'm thinking that changing attachment style has to come from the FA, and has little to do with the partner (though a good partner might help if the FA is committed to accomplishing secure attachments I’d say that’s a fair assessment. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 15, 2019 22:41:42 GMT
I have been wondering, has anyone here read an account of an FA who changed their attachment style from FA to secure over time because their partner remained kind, reliable and trusting? I keep reading the same type of stories over and over... partner of FA tries to be as secure as possible, sometimes for years, but FA remains the same or steadily becomes less reliable over time until there is effectively no relationship. This makes sense insofar as why would someone change if they have an enabler in their life, and can easily switch to new enablers? I'm thinking that changing attachment style has to come from the FA, and has little to do with the partner (though a good partner might help if the FA is committed to accomplishing secure attachments) Mostly yes to this, except change the framing to be less negative. It's not that a secure is "enabling" the FA at all. It's that they aren't doing anything to actively trigger the FA, so IF (big if) the FA is aware and wants to become more secure, they have the space and support to do it. However, just because the secure partner isn't triggering the FA doesn't mean the FA isn't triggered in life or isn't triggering themselves. That's why the work is internal, and it's not that the healing inherently comes from being with a more secure partner. It's just the more secure partner can provide a new example of modeling a healthier relationship while not personalizing an FA's process if that FA is trying to heal. At the same time, the FA may not be meeting the secure person's relationship needs, so just because the person is secure doesn't mean they're automatically compatible with all types of partners, and they may choose to leave as well. This is why I advocate for not relying on finding secure partners to "heal" you. I went through the process myself, and while a secure partner may have allowed me to have a secure relationship with THEM, it wouldn't have healed my overall AP style, which was fundamentally unrelated to any romantic partner. However, avoidant partners would trigger me, which would trigger them, which didn't give us space for healing or healthy partnerships. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 15, 2019 22:47:12 GMT
Also, you can substitute any of the insecure styles into my last comment -- DA or AP as well, not just FA.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 16, 2019 0:37:56 GMT
I have been wondering, has anyone here read an account of an FA who changed their attachment style from FA to secure over time because their partner remained kind, reliable and trusting? I keep reading the same type of stories over and over... partner of FA tries to be as secure as possible, sometimes for years, but FA remains the same or steadily becomes less reliable over time until there is effectively no relationship. This makes sense insofar as why would someone change if they have an enabler in their life, and can easily switch to new enablers? I'm thinking that changing attachment style has to come from the FA, and has little to do with the partner (though a good partner might help if the FA is committed to accomplishing secure attachments) - Yes, a patient, consistent partner may help the avoidant feel more safe but my DA still left and said he felt incapable. I also wonder if being patient enables them bc they don’t have to decide for themselves to change if the partner keeps a safe distance. Flip side, no matter how loving and reassuring a secure partner may be to an AP- wouldn't the AP still have those core abandonment wounds and have effects (protest behaviors, anxiety etc) occasionally bc the change needs to be internal- not external? |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 16, 2019 1:08:16 GMT
I think my secureness, being emotionally available, telling him where i come from openly, etc like a secure would triggered mine even more. He didnt know how to deal with someone open and calm with him.
To add, I dont buy a secure partner can heal at all. Now can they help you become more secure and help in healing if one is self aware working on themselves, that I believe it can. Can a secure make a light AP type person feel secure, sure. Heavy AP, no. We all know there are degrees of attachment. After things Iv read my FA is heavy FA while others are not as severe.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 16, 2019 1:10:54 GMT
I think my secureness, being emotionally available, telling him where i come from openly, etc like a secure would triggered mine even more. He didnt know how to deal with someone open and calm with him. - Yes, I think bc the wounds are internal, the external has minimal impact. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2019 1:14:21 GMT
Being securely patient with an insecure partner isn't enabling. That's a very AP perspective of managing the emotions of others. You are patient because you accept the person and situation as it is and are truly okay with it, and you don't think it's your responsibility to "make" them change. Because you are both adults, and it's not your responsibility to force someone to be more compatible just because it's what you actually want. You're not responsible for their healing and can't pressure them to do so, you can only let them know there's a problem and support them when they're ready. Enabling suggests you're keeping someone from getting help that they'd otherwise seek by providing them with things so they don't have to get those things for themselves. A secure person being patient with an insecure partner's dysfunctional needs isn't doing that, because if they're overfunctioning to accommodate the partner or not getting their own needs met, they'll communicate then eventually leave the situation if it continues indefinitely. They're not being patient to control the situation or keep it going to avoid conflict.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 16, 2019 1:20:09 GMT
I think my secureness, being emotionally available, telling him where i come from openly, etc like a secure would triggered mine even more. He didnt know how to deal with someone open and calm with him. - Yes, I think bc the wounds are internal, the external has minimal impact. Yup, we cant heal them no matter how secure we are with them unless they are aware/want to do the work. |
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Post by persephone on Oct 16, 2019 1:21:19 GMT
This thread here explains “disorganised” is the childhood attachment term, which correlates to fearful-avoidant adulthood attachment. Fearful-avoidants often gets overlooked because supposedly they make up only 5% of the population. But it certainly feels like there are more of them around, probably because they get into relationships and/ or cycle back to their exes more often.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 16, 2019 1:24:54 GMT
This thread here explains “disorganised” is the childhood attachment term, which correlates to fearful-avoidant adulthood attachment. Fearful-avoidants often gets overlooked because supposedly they make up only 5% of the population. But it certainly feels like there are more of them around, probably because they get into relationships and/ or cycle back to their exes more often. I think that number for FA seems low as well. |
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Post by iz42 on Oct 16, 2019 2:14:38 GMT
This is why I advocate for not relying on finding secure partners to "heal" you. I went through the process myself, and while a secure partner may have allowed me to have a secure relationship with THEM, it wouldn't have healed my overall AP style, which was fundamentally unrelated to any romantic partner. However, avoidant partners would trigger me, which would trigger them, which didn't give us space for healing or healthy partnerships. My past two relationships brought out all of my AP tendencies. If my goal through therapy and self work is to earn secure, I would assume that when I decide to date again I will be able to spot insecurely attached people early in the process and walk away if they aren't meeting my needs. Obviously it doesn't make sense to rely on a secure partner to "heal" AP, but in the end shouldn't I still be looking for a partner who is secure? |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2019 4:37:01 GMT
This is why I advocate for not relying on finding secure partners to "heal" you. I went through the process myself, and while a secure partner may have allowed me to have a secure relationship with THEM, it wouldn't have healed my overall AP style, which was fundamentally unrelated to any romantic partner. However, avoidant partners would trigger me, which would trigger them, which didn't give us space for healing or healthy partnerships. My past two relationships brought out all of my AP tendencies. If my goal through therapy and self work is to earn secure, I would assume that when I decide to date again I will be able to spot insecurely attached people early in the process and walk away if they aren't meeting my needs. Obviously it doesn't make sense to rely on a secure partner to "heal" AP, but in the end shouldn't I still be looking for a partner who is secure? Definitely it's better to find a secure partner, but a lot of the literature I've read says dating someone secure is the way to earn it, and that seems to be putting the cart before the horse. If you find one on the way, great, but if you're really insecure and not in process, you're likely to not feel the "sparks" to want to pursue the secure anyway. Some posts here are intimidated and disheartened by feeling pressure to find a secure on top of everything else, and it shouldn't be the initial goal before the self work. |
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