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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2019 7:35:57 GMT
i'm sapio. I have to say that the men i am interested in are often those with very intellectual work e.g., actuaries, scientists, researchers etc (i myself have a phd). they're highly intellectual, but also highly emotionally unaware/unavailable. So, it's a very specific group of people i tend to go for - unemotionally unavailable very intelligent people. There is a level of connecting on intellectual level that draws us together, but the emotional disconnect/unavailability on both parts drive us apart. while these two might be independent of each other, there is a certain level of positive correlation between them, and it is up to you to decide if you are yourself emotionally available in the first place, or are you being unavailable using intellect compatibility as the highest standards that very few people can match up to. whether or not that is a matter of emotional health i think it's something you have to figure out yourself. I decided I couldn't be with someone who cannot get me on an intellectual level because it is important to me in terms of compatibility. My friend who also has a phd is dating a blue collared worker who isn't the smartest person around, but is a fantastic person and very available and loving.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 16, 2019 10:56:42 GMT
I personally think not all of us just connect with anyone. I dont, its why Ive been single more than Ive been in relationships.
I also think when youre more aware of yourself, the world, etc, you will connect less. You can pick up things that others may not that you know you dont connect with and others find out later they actually dont connect so they split.
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Post by hannah99 on Oct 16, 2019 12:49:35 GMT
Relate to this completely. I find most men boring and then every so often there's one I obsess over. Usually because they're really smart, or unavailable, or unhealthy, or all three.
I'm trying to give the 'boring' ones more of a chance...cause often it's nerves, getting to know each other, etc. And because I'm trying to avoid falling for the same bad men. But there's only so far you can go til your wasting everyone's time.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2019 18:05:15 GMT
I wonder, since I'm doing all this physiological somatic work, if the boredom is symptomatic of a physiological freeze state, which can range from mild detachment to damn near coma, for avoidants.
Especially since you had that recent negative experience with that guy that was really jarring.
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Post by thinkingman on Oct 18, 2019 14:05:56 GMT
Not to change the direction of this, but two posts referred to unavailability as a quality they might be drawn to. Why is that the case? I don’t think I’m that way. Or am I and I just don’t know it.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 18, 2019 17:49:55 GMT
Not to change the direction of this, but two posts referred to unavailability as a quality they might be drawn to. Why is that the case? I don’t think I’m that way. Or am I and I just don’t know it. Usually because it feels familiar, often at a subconscious level, because it reminds you of an older dynamic with unavailable parental attachment figures growing up... and you want to repeat it until you fix it (usually by trying to change your narrative to you successfully "won" over the love of someone who started emotionally unavailable). It can also be because you're unavailable yourself so it feels safe to be with someone else somewhat unavailable so you yourself don't have to get stressed out moving past the fantasy bond into more intimate territory. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 18, 2019 20:55:37 GMT
Not to change the direction of this, but two posts referred to unavailability as a quality they might be drawn to. Why is that the case? I don’t think I’m that way. Or am I and I just don’t know it. Usually because it feels familiar, often at a subconscious level, because it reminds you of an older dynamic with unavailable parental attachment figures growing up... and you want to repeat it until you fix it (usually by trying to change your narrative to you successfully "won" over the love of someone who started emotionally unavailable). It can also be because you're unavailable yourself so it feels safe to be with someone else somewhat unavailable so you yourself don't have to get stressed out moving past the fantasy bond into more intimate territory. - Going for an unavailable person doesn’t resonate with me. The silence and distancing raises my anxiety- I want the connection and closeness. When my DA pursued me to be “all in,” I was a hesitant at first bc we hadn’t dated long, but once I agreed I flourished in the time and attention he poured into me and our relationship- it was the happiest I’ve even been in a relationship, and when he distanced months later, that made me anxious. When my FA Ex husband was distant it was a common theme of my happiness in our marriage. Now, after distance or a break, the desire and willingness to CONTINUE to persevere in relationship repair may have to do with a dysfunctional past with an unavailable parental figure, but I don’t see myself at any level seeking an avoidant to date. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2019 21:58:32 GMT
I am confused about how the support forum works. I know it's a place where you can't come in and gripe about the attachment style of the OP, but it also seems like the thread should go in the direction of what the OP is seeking support for?
It seems like it got detailed into a discussion perhaps best had in the main forum?
idk.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 18, 2019 22:42:49 GMT
I am confused about how the support forum works. I know it's a place where you can't come in and gripe about the attachment style of the OP, but it also seems like the thread should go in the direction of what the OP is seeking support for? It seems like it got detailed into a discussion perhaps best had in the main forum? idk. @inmourning - Sometimes the threads get off topic but when I read the off topics or when posters go off topic on my posts, I don’t mind bc it’s often where useful info is gleaned. I’m not that structured of a person though so that’s just me. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 25, 2019 23:25:26 GMT
I think that is very natural. I think movies and Hollywood and societal expectations have made it that we are supposed to like someone all the time and that is simply not natural. I think back to when I was a child, presumably when I was the healthiest and when I remember the little boys I liked it would take me ages to start liking somebody and I would carry the secret torch for them for years. I think we may be attracted to someone initially, but upon further inspection, we would change our minds. Developing a true lasting attraction takes a lot of time and consistent positive behavior. As it should.
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Post by amber on Dec 26, 2019 0:58:23 GMT
Have you heard of Alain de Botton? He writes some awesome stuff on love and how society has screwed our expectations of love with the Disney Romantic ideals of love
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